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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners actions were last straw - what to do now

56 replies

Inamess28 · 08/03/2023 21:39

First time poster so please excuse if I get it wrong

Have been in relationship with partner for over 20 years and we have two children.
He is a difficult character at times. Quick to anger and vicious with his words.

Partner has become slightly obsessed with cars parking opposite our house - won’t go into details as they don’t really matter.

Anyway his annoyance is focused on one individual in particular and this evening after having been to pub, I witnessed him key the individual’s car. I was shocked and appalled and went straight out to challenge him. He ignored me and went up to bedroom.

I took kids and went to stay with my parents. It felt like enough is enough. Regardless of this incident he is not nice to me. Today he texted me to say die please die after going into a rage about something inconsequential.

I feel sick that he has done this and didn’t consider the consequences. Even though I didn’t do it, I feel responsible and anxious about what will happen in the morning.

Now we’re at my mums I don’t know what to do next.

what do others think?

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 09/03/2023 09:31

@Inamess28 How are things this morning?

Undermyumberellaellaella · 09/03/2023 09:33

Fucking hell report him to the police. He's a vandal and he's telling you to die wtf? And whatever you do, don't stay with him.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 09:33

With any luck he’s been caught on a ring doorbell or dash cam cctv etc and he will be in serious bother

His behaviour is menacing and that text to you is all you need to know staying away and separating from him is the only option

LadyJ2023 · 09/03/2023 09:34

Sorry I would have reported him. Do the right thing. And second of all consider your worth why do you want to be treated in such a way its disgusting stand up respect yourself and children and walk away

perfectcolourfound · 09/03/2023 09:35

Aside from his criminal vandalism of someone's car, you know he isn't a good partner and your relationship needs to be over.

He's angry. He told you to die. He's quick to anger. Vicious with his words. You know, for your sake and your DC's, you need to be away from him. He is making your life worse not better.

More than that, he sounds like he could be a physical risk to you and your children. If he's not in control of his actions, what next?

So please, take the support you have from your parents and others around you, and take steps to leave him. Seek legal advice if you need to re house and finances. Do what's right for you and your children - which is leaving this angry, violent, bitter man.

And I woudl definitely report him to the police. No question. It might just stop him doing worse to more property or even a person.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 09:37

@Mari9999
you’re a bit quick off the mark with your codswallop “diagnosis” there
in any event the OP isn’t obliged to take this sort of abuse whether he is “ill” as you’d have us believe or he’s not and “just” an abusive bully.
being unwell wouldn’t excuse any of this any way but I suppose rather helpfully if he is off his rocker at least they’ll all be kept away from him.

YukoandHiro · 09/03/2023 09:37

If he sent a text saying that you need to leave immediately. He is showing you who he really is. Don't wait around to let this get worse. Protect yourself and your children.

Agreeable · 09/03/2023 09:49

So he's keyed someone's car and then text you to say 'die'

Not only does this guy sound like an asshole, he sounds like a pathetic asshole. Sounds like he hasn't got the guts to do these things to peoples faces (not that he should be doing them in the first place).

Lowest of the low.

Isheabastard · 09/03/2023 10:01

You don’t have to do anything yet.

If you can spend a few more days at your mums then do so. You need to decompress a bit so you can start thinking about your long term future.

Your post sounds like you want to leave although there is never is a good time to do it. Gather as many friends and family as you can for support.

It may be in the long term he has done you a favour. If you decide to leave, the car keying will be your point of no return. If you waiver in the future you’ll just remember that moment and decide you can’t live with someone like that.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 09/03/2023 10:07

Will I get deleted if I tell @Mari9999 to fuck off?

Nogreens · 09/03/2023 10:31

Take care OP. This man sounds like someone you want to completely cut ties with. No last good bye, no last drink, if you must meet again let it be outside a police station, third party organise contact with the children and so on. I know it's hard with children involved. Good luck.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 09/03/2023 10:35

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

The man may be ill physically or mentally. Has it occurred to you that he may need to see a physician or a mental health provider? His behaviors sound troubling and may be related less to meanness and more to illness. His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist.

Or he could just be a bit of a cunt?

Mari9999 · 09/03/2023 12:49

@MrsTerryPratchett
The OP started off by mentioning new obsessive behavior that could demonstrate an increase in paranoid thinking.
Often , I find that many complainants on MN are talking about actions and behaviors that could have multiple causes.
Generally it is women who the posters, so any different point of view most likely would be seen as favoring men if you are going to attribute some gender related bias.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 13:13

& prior to his new obsession with car parking, he's spent 20 years being difficult, quick to anger and vicious with his words.

How is that "less related to meanness & more to illness"?
Even in the unlikely event that the man has some kind of illness, why does that mean it's OP's job to suck up his anger & viciousness?

Mari9999 · 09/03/2023 14:21

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu
The OP describes what she experienced as negative behavior in the past, and he may just have been a jerk or an ass.
This new behavior is described as obsession . Jerks and asses can become ill in the same manner as other people.

The OP has an absolute right not to care whether he may be ill or just increasingly annoying. She has the right to say that she is done with him regardless of what is the precipitating cause of this new behavior.

I was not advocating that she remain with him. He is not a dependent child for whom she is responsible. He is just an annoying and difficult man who may have become an ill , annoying, and difficult man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 14:32

Generally it is women who the posters, so any different point of view most likely would be seen as favoring men if you are going to attribute some gender related bias.

I suggest you go to the other 90% of the internet made for and by men then. Leave us to our little corner.

The number of situations I won't describe here (because they are too triggering to write about (for some of the women here who've suffered similar) where the man has PTSD or a PD something else is massive. I know plenty of women with those MH issues. Oddly none of them is coming close to murdering their partners. Working in housing you see the aftermath and I'm in no doubt which sex causes the violence, having seen the damage to the home and the injuries. Had to move the women under cover of darkness to undisclosed locations.

There is a reason women should leave men like this. Because when they say 'die' there's a good chance you will.

Fancysauce · 09/03/2023 14:37

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

Not her fucking problem. She needs to protect herself and her children.

Mari9999 · 09/03/2023 15:11

@Fancysauce
I am not suggesting that the OP stay with her husband . My only comment was that the man maybe ill. Mentally ill people can become dangerous.

No man or woman should stay in a situation that may bring harm to them. That said, he can still be ill.

It is as you have pointed out, not the OP's problem to deal with any medical/mental problems that he might have. Generally it is considered responsible to report someone to the authorities is posing a threat to themselves or someone else.

Again, is the OP in any ways harmed or damaged by a suggestion that in addition to be a jerk that her partner may now be an ill jerk?

Ofcourseshecan · 09/03/2023 15:19

Saturdayafternoonnap · 09/03/2023 07:48

You definitely don't go back. Under any circumstances.

I agree. Telling you to die (and all his other abuse) is bad enough. But you never know when he will turn his rage to violence. Get yourself and dc free of him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 15:25

Again, is the OP in any ways harmed or damaged by a suggestion that in addition to be a jerk that her partner may now be an ill jerk?

Good question and maybe I can answer so you stop posting this kind of stuff.

There are many reasons it's irresponsible. The biggest is that women are trained from birth to be caretakers, particularly of the sick. The impulse is to 'help' and in a case like this the help may mean a women continues to have contact when she shouldn't.

Guilt is a huge motivator in women staying in dangerous situations. And implying the man is sick is a big guilt-inducer.

The police are perfectly placed to get MH supports for a mentally ill man whose behaviour is even in part due to those MH issues. The OP doesn't need to think about his health because she isn't the one best placed to source those supports.

But the reason I think is why so many women are disagreeing with you is because men's violence and abuse is so often excused and explained by this kind of things. In fact, notably white men. So much that is is almost parody when a mass shooting occurs. If it's a white man, within about 10 seconds someone will mention MH. If it's a black man <crickets>. If it's a women, silly me, it's never a women. Because when women suffer from MH issues, they don't buy guns and shoot up cinemas. Implying it isn't a MH issue, it's a sex issue.

Every demographic struggles with MH, only one gets a pass on their violence as a result. If it was actually MH causing issues, each demographic would commit violence in the same way. But they don't. It's as easy for a woman to shoot at people, guns are a great equaliser. But they don't. Almost ever. Which means it's a male violence issue.

That's why it's harmful. Because it perpetuates abuse and violence.

I've seen it myself. A woman comes in with a black eye and damage to her home to talk to me and her partner should be excused according to her because 'it's PTSD' or 'he has childhood trauma'. Well her kids now have childhood trauma and so it carries on. Women genuinely see men's MH issues as a reason to stay. And put up with it.

BreviloquentBastard · 09/03/2023 15:29

@MrsTerryPratchett

Well said!

GoodChat · 09/03/2023 15:35

I love your posts @MrsTerryPratchett

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 15:39

Thanks! I'm particularly ranty and annoyed today. I have a cold. Less bandwidth for nonsense.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 15:55

@Mari9999
you’re playing one of the abuser’s trump cards with this illness angle.

it indicates a breathtaking lack of insight and true understanding of the dynamics in relationships like these. Sadly all too often a woman is conditioned, pressured or guilt tripped into thinking it’s her job to rehabilitate and thus endure at increasing risk and detriment to herself the shit a merciless bastard is delightfully inflicting on her.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 15:56

you have nailed it @MrsTerryPratchett

hope the cold buggers off soon

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