DS and DP butting heads, ExH calling us names to DS.

[Triggle]

DS (12) and DP (together 9 years) fell out this morning. DS wanted to bring his skateboard into the house as it was covered in snow and wet. DP told him to put it in the bike shed. DS ignored him and brought it inside anyway and put it on the mat dripping with snow and water. DP got annoyed that DS wasn’t listening to him, DS got stroppy, DP told him he’d break the thing if DS brought it back into the house and to put it in the bike shed. I gave DS a towel to dry it and he put it in the bike shed.

DS then messaged his father to say DP had threatened to break his skateboard. ExH called DP a dick and a bully and told DS to ignore him and take it back into the house and said I should have had his back. He also told DS I was a ‘knob’ last week because I hadn’t let him go out at night with some boys I didn’t know and said that he’d take the parental controls off that I’d activated on DS’s phone.

Exh often calls DP names to DS and although DP shouldn’t have said what he did today the whole situation feels like a vicious cycle. DS being rude to DP, DP getting annoyed then ExH calling both of us names to DS.

i get that it’s annoying that your ex is Jane calling… but your DP sounds needlessly confrontational and threatening to break a child’s belongings because they aren’t listening to you is not stellar parenting.
centre your DS. How’s he feeling about this? In my experience kids really hate when parents name call each other - they feel guilty and out of control.

jane??? Name calling!

sounds miserable. WHo's house is it? That matters, because if it is yours, then your DP had no right to lay down the law like that, but if it is his, then he has that right

DP was being a dick and a bully though

It’s both our house. It was more that he just deliberately ignored him and did what he’d been told not to do and got water everywhere then started getting stroppy. He shouldn’t have said what he said.

I do feel ExH is trying to create a divide by telling DS not to do anything DP says and calling him names etc.

Just to add I don’t name call ExH to him ever and nor does DP.

It’s really shit and the type of thing my DS’s dad (my ex) would also do. I think you just need to adjust the situation at your end as rubbish as that is. So DP says nothing to DS and you’re the one who says he needs to do x or y.

I’d also combine that with messaging ex to let him know you know what he has said and quietly mention that obviously you and dp don’t call him any names to ds as that would be detrimental to ds. If you just call him out in a matter of fact way by text each time he does it he may stop.

He shouldn't have threatened to break his skateboard. It's aggressive and from a grown man to a 12 year old boy.

Other stuff sounds very frustrating though. It is difficult when there are different parenting styles but I'm not sure there's much you can really do about it except explain to your DS the reasoning behind your decisions and hopefully he'll understand you are only doing what you think is in his best interests and you disagree with his Dad's name calling as it isn't how an adult should behave (might be difficult if that's how your DP generally deals with him though as it's a bit hypocritical) and you don't call his Dad names if you don't agree with him (assuming you don't).

You could also try speaking to his Dad and trying to find common ground when making decisions. That will also show your DS you're not treating his Dad as a less important parent and his Dad may actually surprise you and be pleased he's having a say in his sons life.

I know, it’s really pissed me off that he threatened to break it. I understand his frustration but I think that was an overreaction.

ExH has also really pissed me off and I wonder whether he’s been saying things like this for years which is why DS always argues with whatever DP says and will never listen to him.

Nope, DP got his just deserts

It could be or it could just be your DS misses his Dad/feels he has to be loyal. How often does he see him? He's also playing good cop basically allowing him to do whatever he wants as if your rules are unreasonable. I take it you don't co parent and it's just your house/his house sort of thing?

You should parent your child. Not your DP.
End of story.

Wow! Really?!?!?

I'd take your kids elsewhere and sod both men. Seriously this is bonkers - skateboards are fun and a bit of mess on the floor who cares.

You would be better on your own with no men with your kids to have happy times especially in the snow - you don't need this 💩

I think everything needs to be calmed down and quietened

i think you need to communicate less with the ex ?
and your DP need to be mindful that clashing with a very annoying 12 year old is ill advised in this current scenario

She just put a price on your friendship, £20.

She's no friend IMO.

Dump.

Look at your boundaries.

Would you also suggest she should be the only one paying for her son and her partner shouldn't contribute anything financially towards the child?

And she should be the one to scrub and/or repair the floor? It's a joint household. But yes, she should have intervened earlier to support dp and stave off escalation.

This is more what I mean.
Kid has a mum and a dad, the mum should be able to parent this situation and support/intervene.

Her DPs reaction was quite ridiculous. I dont agree with that either.

The skateboard probably needed to be dried off properly.
Your DP was an arse and needlessly aggressive. Between DS/DP communication sounds very poor but resorting to threats puts your DP firmly in the wrong here.

Regardless of the power dynamic/shit talking with your ex, a parent or adult figure should never threaten to break a child's things. Your DP needs to apologise right now to your son

Your DP is an aggressive twat.
Your Ex is an aggressive, shitstirring twat.

Why are you putting up with either of them?
You'd be better off parenting solo & demonstrating adulthood & sane relationships to your son.

I plucked up the courage to tell DP he was unacceptable to threaten to break DS’s things last night. He raised his voice and ranted at me, saying the way DS behaves is shocking (it’s really not), I should have had his back and he would never let his child speak to me like that. All DS had done was answer back that it needed drying, huffed and puffed and hadn’t followed DP’s instructions.

Very defensive response.
In your family set up, sometimes you also need to have your kids back.
More conversations needed..

You having to pluck up courage to talk to your partner about this is a huge red flag. You should be able to speak to him, even if you disagree, without worrying/being anxious. It’s an indication of potential controlling behaviour. His threatening to break a toy is also a red flag.

It sounds like your XH is a prick, and you’ve found yourself with another one. Your son is watching and learning unfortunately . Have a look at the Freedom Programme online, it might be an eye opener.

OP,

Ranting and raving?

Why is this man in your son's life?

He sounds awful.

You have to pluck up the courage?

You and your son are being bullied.

You have made a very poor choice in him.

You need to put your son first.

It really is that simple.

Get this bully out of both of your lives.

Ring Women's aid for support.

You what now?

You had to pluck up courage to tell a grown man that threatening to break somebody else's possessions is wrong?

& far from being embarrassed by his unacceptable outburst, the arsehole doubled down & ranted at you?

How often does he pull this tired old Man Of The House shit?
He sounds as bad as your ex.
Small wonder your son calls on his dad to defend him. I would not allow a man like that to live with my child - it's horribly damaging. What are you going to do about it?