DS and DP butting heads, ExH calling us names to DS.

[Triggle]

DS (12) and DP (together 9 years) fell out this morning. DS wanted to bring his skateboard into the house as it was covered in snow and wet. DP told him to put it in the bike shed. DS ignored him and brought it inside anyway and put it on the mat dripping with snow and water. DP got annoyed that DS wasn’t listening to him, DS got stroppy, DP told him he’d break the thing if DS brought it back into the house and to put it in the bike shed. I gave DS a towel to dry it and he put it in the bike shed.

DS then messaged his father to say DP had threatened to break his skateboard. ExH called DP a dick and a bully and told DS to ignore him and take it back into the house and said I should have had his back. He also told DS I was a ‘knob’ last week because I hadn’t let him go out at night with some boys I didn’t know and said that he’d take the parental controls off that I’d activated on DS’s phone.

Exh often calls DP names to DS and although DP shouldn’t have said what he did today the whole situation feels like a vicious cycle. DS being rude to DP, DP getting annoyed then ExH calling both of us names to DS.

Does DS need a phone at 12? For emergency use maybe but that's not what he's using it for. The phone seems to be the middle man being used to play you all off against each other. Perhaps remove the phone rather than the skateboard until he stops using it to play you all like fiddles.

I wouldn't live with a DP who appeared to dislike my child, a man who threatens to break a child's property. He's a bully.

Your ex is clearly also in the wrong, but your DP is giving him ammunition on a plate. If I lived apart from a child and they told me that their mum's partner had threatened to break something of their's I'd be angry too.

Both men sound ridiculous.

If you have to 'pluck up the courage' to have a conversation with your partner about anything, you're not in a healthy relationship. Do you think that's a normal dynamic? I promise you, it's not.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

Well said.

Your DP had every right to ask your son to not bring something covered in snow and dripping wet into the house you both own, your son ignored that and then got stroppy. Threatening to break it wasn’t the best response, but your kid was being a brat imo. It was a perfectly reasonable request from your DP.

You should have your son's back because both men sound shit. Your dp might be able to threaten breaking a skateboard now but it's a matter of time before your son has the size and strength to break something belonging to dp back. It says volumes that you were scared to bring up that you thought what he said was awful. How do you think a 12yo feels? He may snap one day and be strong enough to depend himself physically.

You said here that DS always argues with your DP and never listens to anything he says so I don't think it's that unusual that he got frustrated, if this is accurate.

I wouldn't have threatened to break the skateboard personally but I might have threatened to get rid of it if this was a serious pattern of behaviour.

I feel for your DP tbh.

Your DP is a bully.
Parenting a 12-yr-old is different from laying down rules for a younger DC. Your DP's attitude sucks. You can't parent older DCs through threats and fear and by creating drama over small moments.
Yy your ex is stirring but you can't control or change him. You can decide what to do about your DP.

This current man sounds like another version of your ex and both men here sound as bad as one another.

What do YOU want to teach your son about relationships and just what is he learning here?.

Do yourself a favour and rebuild both your boundaries and life without this current bloke in it; he is really a shit example of a stepfather figure to your child.
Your boundaries, already skewed by previous poor relationships and or abuse within these, are being further eroded by this current man now. He likely targeted you deliberately as well because you were a single mother and some abusive men do actively target single mothers. He thought that you'd put up with any old shit from him.

Having to pluck up courage to talk to your partner suggests you're scared of him.

How else does he behave to put you on edge and make you wary of him?

Perhaps your 12 year old is picking up on this and is pushing back against him on your behalf. Is it possible your son thinks you're being controlled and bullied?

DP told him he’d break the thing if DS brought it back into the house

This was what stood out to me most in your post.

Your ex shouldn't call you and your DP names, I agree, but the much bigger problem here is surely the bullying behaviour of your partner towards your son. That's what I would focus on.

It's worrying that he shouted at you and tried to blame you/ your DS when you called him out on his bullying behaviour. He doesn't sound very nice.

Your ex's assessment is not wrong, but he should be discussing his concerns with you and not with your ds.

And yes, I agree that it's very worrying that you had to "pluck up the courage" to talk to your DP about this. That says quite a lot.

The fact OP has to 'pluck up the courage' to speak to her partner rather indicates that he isn't usually a calm, reasonable man who acted out of character though tbh.

If one adult has to 'pluck up the courage' to speak to another, it suggests they are dealing with a bully they are frightened of.

Sorry but it sounds like your son is a bit bratty and is deliberately telling tales to his dad to get what he wants and play you/your DP off against his dad. I agree with your DP, it sounds like your son has no respect, is badly behaved and enjoys twisting the knife/playing you off against his dad. Since his dad seems to egg your DS on instead of being a united team with you parenting-wise, I think you and your DP need to be a united team. Your DS is successfully splitting you all against each other, can't you see that? He is doing it deliberately and his father is feeding/egging him on. It's bad enough you can't co-parent as a united team with your ex. Don't let your DS wedge between you and your DP too. You need to be united team with either your ex or your current DP. Don't let your son cause all this trouble and chaos. Your DP is right.

@ItsShiela

Do you think that the OP having to pluck up courage to talk to her DP is a good sign?

Teenagers will always push boundaries but it seems like there's a lot more going on here. Very easy to pin it all on a 12 year old 🙄

I think "pluck up the courage" is a figure of speech, @DoristheDuchess . I think you're giving it more leverage than it needs. It's just her saying she decided to tell him she disagreed. That's all. I've often in passing conversation said "I plucked up the courage to ask her to re-arrange our coffee date/asked a friend for their opinion on a current affairs topic" etc. It doesn't mean anything dramatic. It's just a figure of speech that's all.

Or it could be that she's repeated the same abusive relationship pattern as she has before with her ex and this man is intimidating.

You don't know and neither do I. Neither of us have enough information to know what the situation is, which is why it's inappropriate to start calling a 12 year old child names.

But her ex also insulted her to DS when she did parent him (later on in the OP).

Think carefully OP, your son is entering the age when kids are likely to be a handful, hormones and pressures at school make the teenage years tough for many of us (I've had the easy ones and the confrontational ones so I know it varies) but if this is how your partner deals with things it can become quite dangerous. There will be a time when your son decides to stick up for himself and it could get physical. You shouldn't have to pluck up courage to speak to your partner so is he prone to losing his temper? Might he get violent?

This isn't easy so good luck.

I agree. You’re DP sounds like a dick.

I don't think I've ever said it in my 70 years. Why would you say it about rearranging a coffee date? It doesn't seem a very appropriate figure of speech to me.

I agree that it is a common expression tbh. Some clarification from OP on if she's actually scared of him is probably needed because lots of people do use that phrase flippantly. I didn't read as much into it as others did personally.

I’ve threatened my children’s belongings before it’s not unusual. It gets put away or goes in the bin. If you leave that on the floor the dog will shred it. Put you bike away or it will rust and I won’t be paying for the repair.

Its all cumulative. Skateboard should of been put in the shed yesterday. Your DS should listen. Your ex is unhelpful. Reasonableness for me would depend on whether he was angry/ aggressive, threatening to snap it isn’t ideal.

Id be having a chat with DS about the importance of looking after his belongings. I’d also talk with your DP about the importance of maintaining a calm demeanour even when he is being irritating. If you lose your cool it changes the narrative from I didn’t put my stuff away and it got covered in snow which I brought in the house despite being told not to. To DP threatened to snap my skateboard. It doesn’t help.

If he was angry/ aggressive or can’t see the importance of being calm instead of spouting off then you need to rethink your relationship.

Regardless of if her DP is abusive or not, the 12 year old is still manipulating his parents and telling tales to his dad to cause problems between his mum and DP. It seems the son is running the show.

Both things can be true at the same time.

@ItsShiela

Or maybe the child is being manipulated by his dad, who is actively trying to use parental alienation techniques to undermine the mother. He makes the child believe that he will receive positive attention from his dad if he says bad things about his home life.

The child is therefore stuck between two difficult situations and two sets of adults who are considering their own needs instead of the wellbeing of this child.

Many things can be true at the same time.

But of course it's easier to just label the child as manipulative 🙄