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Relationships

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Original poster

I think I’m falling in love

62 replies

Crochetandsketch · 08/03/2023 20:59

I’m separated, 40s,waiting for divorce to finalise. I’ve been seeing someone for about 7 months. We probably only get to meet up once a fortnight but frequently text each other. Nobody else knows as I’m not quite divorced and I don’t want my kids finding out. I’ve brooched the “where is this going” subject with him a couple of times. The first time, just before Christmas, he said he was happy to carry on as we are as he’s super busy etc at work. Last week he booked us an overnight stay in a hotel with dinner and drinks and it was so lovely. But again he’s said we’re just two people who enjoy each others company. We are sleeping together and he does thoughtful little things like he invited me for tea at his on my way home from work yesterday.

I think I’m falling in love with him. I feel like he cares about me too, he’s lovely and very kind and generous towards me. I’m fairly confident though that if I tell him I will scare him off. He’s never been married and although he’s had previous relationships, I don’t think any of them have lasted very long. He has an 8 year old son who is friends with my son.

I suppose I’m not really asking for advice. I just need an outlet as I don’t think I can use the L word with him and to be honest I do not want to scare him off as I really enjoy our time together and am not willing to risk ending that just yet. It all just feels somewhat frustrating, but lovely at the same time.

OP posts:

TimeForChanges123 · 08/03/2023 21:09

Take it slowly

Puppers · 08/03/2023 21:13

I think this has disaster written all over it. If he was going to fall in love with you or want a real relationship, 7 months is long enough for that to happen. I very much doubt you'll ever get anything more from this man, and given you have stronger feelings than he does it's very likely therefore that you will end up getting hurt.

I'd cut my losses and find someone who's emotionally available.

Choconut · 08/03/2023 21:15

I would be concerned that he was a commitment phobe from what you've said. If you're looking for someone to fall in love with then I would tell him how you feel - if it scares him off after 7 months then he's probably not looking for what you're looking for and it would be better to learn that sooner rather than later IMO. If you're happy to be in something casual possibly indefinitely then keep going as you are.

Opentooffers · 08/03/2023 21:45

All the above, but also keep it separate from your DS, it could get messy as he's friends with his DS.
The first relationship after divorce or separation can feel intense. Some of your depth of feeling will be circumstantial, it's why you are running with the feels, even though its clear hes a long time single guy who probably likes it that way from what he says.
You'll bounce back, but it will hurt when it ends.

Isuppose · 08/03/2023 21:48

I think you should lay your cards on the table. Seven months is a long enough time for him to know if he's feeling committed or not. If he isn't its better you find out now instead of investing more time and emotions into him and getting even more hurt.

Watchkeys · 08/03/2023 22:02

If you can't tell him, it's not love.

Love is safe and open.

coloursquare · 08/03/2023 22:09

I agree with @Puppers - sorry OP

Original poster

Crochetandsketch · 08/03/2023 22:51

Thank you for your replies. I’m happy at the moment though, he’s lovely, kind, respectful. I’m not sure why I’d throw that away just now.
Yes I’m developing feelings but I’ll keep them to myself for now. He acts like he’s in the same place and I do feel like he cares about me. We might just never experience saying it out loud!

OP posts:

MinceAndTatties · 09/03/2023 01:53

You've been seeing each other for a while and it sounds lovely - you're getting those wonderful energies which come from a relationship that feels loving.

It's ok to ask him where this is going - protecting your future self is just as important as your present self enjoying the moment.

WidthofaLine · 09/03/2023 02:04

It's impossible to stop something when it feels so good but I think you know this man is capable of hurting you.

Protect yourself.

Puppers · 09/03/2023 06:32

Crochetandsketch · 08/03/2023 22:51

Well the reason to stop it is because you're becoming too invested in something that isn't secure and the more invested you are, the more it will hurt when it ends. If you know he'd be scared away if you told him how you feel, then he doesn't feel the same or want the same thing. That's not a healthy, mature relationship. That's what I had with my first boyfriend as a teenager. And yes it's addictive and exciting and intoxicating...but ultimately it's a drain on your self esteem in the end because you're constantly giving more than they are, hoping that they'll eventually feel the same as you do. It's not sustainable for the long term to have a partner you can't be open with and who keeps you at an emotional arm's length.

The main thing is to be responsible enough not to involve your children. This is nowhere near the level of stability that a relationship needs to have to be appropriate to bring kids into. Especially given that they know each other already, so it has the potential to be disruptive away from home.

Zanatdy · 09/03/2023 06:41

I’d be cautious. I have been seeing someone for a few months and started to get feelings and he claimed he did too. Now he’s gone weird on me and pretty sure he’s keeping me waiting in the wings whilst he takes someone else out (I won’t be waiting in the wings of course, not a chance, I’ve told him not to contact me). I do feel very hurt and stupid. I genuinely fell for him and now I feel like an idiot.

If you’re happy with how things are and don’t need to know where it’s going just keep going. But with regards to being in love with him just have it in the back of your mind that this guy might never progress beyond where you are right now. If you don’t want to scare him off agree in just keeping it to yourself.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 09/03/2023 06:47

You could 'waste' a decade of your life in a relationship like this. If it serves you then it's not wasted, but if you're looking for deep, meaningful love, marriage even, then consider keeping your options open.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 09/03/2023 06:58

Just have a conversation with him, it doesn't need to change anything either way or be a big deal, then enjoy how you're feeling and the times you spend together regardless of outcomes until it no longer works for you.

Londontoderby · 09/03/2023 07:00

You only see him once or twice a fortnight? And he won’t commit. Are you sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Do you call him Saturday nights? Does he pick up?
Sprry but it sounds suspicious!

Watchkeys · 09/03/2023 07:03

You're not happy as you are, op. You've said you're feeling frustrated, and people don't post on forums in the way you have, when they're happy. They're too busy being happy and enjoying their happy lives to detail their relationship issues to strangers. You're also saying that you don't really want advice as such... you just want to say what you need to say. That's a sign of someone who doesn't really have their true feelings heard in real life. The most important person who isn't acknowledging your feelings is you. You're frustrated and feel the relationship is imbalanced. You're not sure or comfortable about where this is going, and you're worried he's not going to give you the relationship you want, because despite the good times, he already doesn't give you what you want. Just some of it. All of this you define as 'I'm happy with things as they are for now', hugely minimising and disrespecting your own feelings.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/03/2023 07:16

The first relationship post divorce is always major

you get all the nice warm feelings
and all that nice stuff you haven't had for many years

and it’s like Whoah!

had the exact same and he was totally totally emotionally unavailable , and broke my ❤️

crack on , as you likely will ! And i did for a year

but be careful and have your wits about you

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 08:44

Crochetandsketch · 08/03/2023 22:51

From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he is in the same place as you, you have asked where things are going and he has given you the brush off essentially. I fear that you are going to get hurt if you continue because seven months is easily long enough to know if a relationship is going anywhere or not.

catinboooots · 09/03/2023 08:47

Google limerence OP

KettrickenSmiled · 09/03/2023 09:51

I’ve brooched the “where is this going” subject with him a couple of times. The first time, just before Christmas, he said he was happy to carry on as we are as he’s super busy etc at work.
He's told you exactly how he views your relationship OP - he's happy with the status quo & is not open to any more. You get to see him once a fortnight & he's fine with that. The work excuse is bullshit.

Last week he booked us an overnight stay in a hotel with dinner and drinks and it was so lovely. But again he’s said we’re just two people who enjoy each others company.
He really could NOT be any clearer than this OP.
He is in a pleasant, but transanctional, situationship with you, & he is being honest about it.

You, however, are still not past your ex, & this is a rebound situation for you, where you are projecting all the warmth & security you craved when your marriage was ending onto a man you see twice a month & who is NOT emotionally available to you.

Sorry to pour cold water OP but pay attention to PP who posted about limerance, & guard your feelings strenuously, or you are going to end up being hurt.

Starflecked · 09/03/2023 10:06

To be honest he is being honest with where he's at, there's a lot to be said for a man being open and not spinning a line. For your own sake and his really although it might end things I think you should say something. Your feelings are likely to keep developing and you'll end up hurt, it won't be his fault though as he's said how he feels and unless you do presumably you feel the same in his eyes.

NevieSticks · 09/03/2023 10:08

Once a fortnight? No - he is one of these men who like to pretend they have a GF but put little effort into it.

Starflecked · 09/03/2023 10:08

I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is how would you feel if he was also seeing other people? I mean he might not be, but you're not in a committed relationship and he's said he's happy with things are so it's a possibility and technically he wouldn't be in the wrong.

winterbegone · 09/03/2023 12:21

He's avoiding calling you his gf by saying you are two people enjoying each other's company, if he felt the same way, you would know by now. I think he's a commitment phobe. I'd rather know where I stand and how a man feels about me than wasting time worrying and wondering where it's going.

HaggisBurger · 09/03/2023 12:29

Red flags that you are ignoring. You’re much keener than he is. “Busy at work” is what men say when they are holding you at a distance. Your lack of availability is attractive to him now - when you are 100% “free” I’d almost guarantee that he will not seek to progress the relationship.

You are reading deeper meaning into things liking making you tea to ignore the fact that when asked he made it clear that he wants to keep things casual.

Your professed plan of just biting your tongue and hoping he gives you what you want is just bonkers. You will just fall deeper in love and end up more hurt.

Have you spent full weekends together? Been away on holiday? I’d gone all those things plus saw each other 2-3 times per week 7 months in with my DP. I was fully separated but not yet divorced. In fairness my kids are much older and my DP has none - but your lack of seeing each other sounds like him keeping his distance tbh.

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