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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’m falling in love

62 replies

Crochetandsketch · 08/03/2023 20:59

I’m separated, 40s,waiting for divorce to finalise. I’ve been seeing someone for about 7 months. We probably only get to meet up once a fortnight but frequently text each other. Nobody else knows as I’m not quite divorced and I don’t want my kids finding out. I’ve brooched the “where is this going” subject with him a couple of times. The first time, just before Christmas, he said he was happy to carry on as we are as he’s super busy etc at work. Last week he booked us an overnight stay in a hotel with dinner and drinks and it was so lovely. But again he’s said we’re just two people who enjoy each others company. We are sleeping together and he does thoughtful little things like he invited me for tea at his on my way home from work yesterday.

I think I’m falling in love with him. I feel like he cares about me too, he’s lovely and very kind and generous towards me. I’m fairly confident though that if I tell him I will scare him off. He’s never been married and although he’s had previous relationships, I don’t think any of them have lasted very long. He has an 8 year old son who is friends with my son.

I suppose I’m not really asking for advice. I just need an outlet as I don’t think I can use the L word with him and to be honest I do not want to scare him off as I really enjoy our time together and am not willing to risk ending that just yet. It all just feels somewhat frustrating, but lovely at the same time.

OP posts:
Tigp · 09/03/2023 13:06

Listen to the advice OP. It’s solid.

Leopardlives · 09/03/2023 17:04

Following with interest

AreWeThereYet69 · 09/03/2023 19:40

I'm actually going to go against the grain and say I think taking it slowly and not saying "I love you" by 7 months is not a red flag.
You're enjoying each others company, being respectful, having fun, I think that's what's important. There's no rush. I'm in my first relationship post long term relationship break up and we've taken it slowly and it's kept growing. It was around a year in before we said I love you

NevieSticks · 09/03/2023 20:47

AreWeThereYet69 · 09/03/2023 19:40

I'm actually going to go against the grain and say I think taking it slowly and not saying "I love you" by 7 months is not a red flag.
You're enjoying each others company, being respectful, having fun, I think that's what's important. There's no rush. I'm in my first relationship post long term relationship break up and we've taken it slowly and it's kept growing. It was around a year in before we said I love you

but did you see him only one every two weeks?

Original poster
Crochetandsketch · 09/03/2023 20:54

Are there any male viewpoints on this?

OP posts:
User0610134057 · 09/03/2023 20:56

Do you actually want more at this point? If you’re white fresh out of your marriage and busy with kids does this level not sort of work for you too?

Leopardlives · 09/03/2023 21:00

I took it that she may not logically want more but that strong feelings have nevertheless taken over and she’s anxious about that. It’s very hard to tell yourself not to fall in love.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/03/2023 21:54

Crochetandsketch · 09/03/2023 20:54

Are there any male viewpoints on this?

Oh FFS.

"The women are telling me to slow down & be cautious as I'm not even divorced yet & have had no time to heal from my marriage. Can some men please pop in to validate me, because obviously they will be able to read another man's mind, & their opinions are going to be totally different from women's."

Londontoderby · 09/03/2023 22:12

No one’s trying to tarnish your fun but from the outside looking in,there are some big red flags.
No one expects you to go “ok” and leave him, after all this is reality, we’re just saying be careful, I can see your going to end up being the one who gets hurt here so enjoy being with him if that’s what you want to do, but be very very careful and don’t fall in head (heart) first.

WidthofaLine · 09/03/2023 22:25

Did you know him before you were separated, as your sons are friends ?

Some may feel you've been remarkably lucky bumping into someone who you care about so quickly, it takes some people a lifetime to find someone that they could fall in love with, posters are just advising you to take it slow.

Anyhow your comments about scaring him off seem to stand out for me, if you can't be honest and open then the equality isn't there, mismatched wants and needs.

Starflecked · 09/03/2023 22:28

Crochetandsketch · 09/03/2023 20:54

Are there any male viewpoints on this?

My DH said: it seems he's been honest so not sure what the confusion is. If one person is developing deeper feelings its better to be honest.

notsurewhat2do99 · 09/03/2023 23:06

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 09/03/2023 06:47

You could 'waste' a decade of your life in a relationship like this. If it serves you then it's not wasted, but if you're looking for deep, meaningful love, marriage even, then consider keeping your options open.

this

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 08:13

Crochetandsketch · 09/03/2023 20:54

Are there any male viewpoints on this?

I can read your post out to my husband, but I don’t think he will know what you are asking. What are you looking for from male posters?

This man has already been very clear to you that he sees you as two people that enjoy each others company and he has also told you that seeing you once a fortnight is enough for him. Making you tea is really not a grand gesture of hidden love, I would make a nice tea for plenty of people.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2023 08:14

My advice would be DONT FALL in love

simple
see him time to time for fun and sex but don’t fall in love

easy 😊

Watchkeys · 10/03/2023 08:54

Your relationship is already unhealthy because instead of believing what he tells you about how he feels, you are consulting strangers, and seeing his very clear words as a puzzle.

Don't let this progress. You're confused by him and he's not even being confusing. It's not good for you.

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 09:31

This is funny. I’m totally with you OP— a relationship where there’s no love,
or the possibility of it, is pretty much not worth being in for me.

purpledalmation · 10/03/2023 09:44

Try to emotionally cool these feelings. It's still early and you could end up hurt again. I think you need to be in a more committed relationship with him before you let yourself fall deeply in love. Keep it to attraction and caring, but save love for further down the line.

purpledalmation · 10/03/2023 09:47

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 09:31

This is funny. I’m totally with you OP— a relationship where there’s no love,
or the possibility of it, is pretty much not worth being in for me.

But what people are advising is it may be one sided judging by the man's comments and actions, and that's not a healthy relationship

MumOf2workOptions · 10/03/2023 09:56

I have a friend in this exact same situation except it's Now 3 years on

They don't live together as they have 3 kids each all 7 and under and she says that it wouldn't be practical atm

They are not committed theyre just 2 people who hook up when they don't have the kids but she is very frustrated with it all - this could be you OP

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 10:00

Yep ok. Something else I do think is that the more vulnerable you are the less time you can tolerate uncertainty. So it becomes uncomfortable to wait and see. Tougher people can wait longer, and some people are so emotionally unavailable altogether they don’t even think about love any more.

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 10:03

@MumOf2workOptions do you think they’ll ever get together properly? Have they met each other’s kids? What do you think she should do?

coloursquare · 10/03/2023 10:19

He's telling you very clearly where you stand.

Some might say he should be applauded for this - many men would tell you what you want to hear to string you along.

It doesn't change your position though. His feelings do not mirror yours and you need to accept that.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2023 10:25

MumOf2workOptions

there is nothing wrong with two frazzled single parents having sex and fun time to time

the problem is the emotions come in , and unfortunately that sexy oxytocin hits women more
I had a on the surface very good set up

but I wanted more ! I wanted him to LOVE me
I got limerent

painful lesson learned

MumOf2workOptions · 10/03/2023 10:33

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 10:03

@MumOf2workOptions do you think they’ll ever get together properly? Have they met each other’s kids? What do you think she should do?

I think she'd love them to all live together and be a blended family - sometimes they meet up with all the kids but his have a lot of weekend commitments with clubs etc

MumOf2workOptions · 10/03/2023 10:37

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2023 10:25

MumOf2workOptions

there is nothing wrong with two frazzled single parents having sex and fun time to time

the problem is the emotions come in , and unfortunately that sexy oxytocin hits women more
I had a on the surface very good set up

but I wanted more ! I wanted him to LOVE me
I got limerent

painful lesson learned

I didn't say there was anything wrong with it but my friend is now wanting more and he's quite happy bobbing along and I just wonder how long it's sustainable for without her getting hurt.
She always offers to have them all round for tea but quite often they're busy or going to his family and she feels he's keeping her and his kids like 2 separate lives in a way

But when he doesn't have the kids and she doesn't they get together and she loves it and him and she has told him she loves him he hasn't said the same sadly - I think she's just convenient for him as she has her kids more but he never wants to come over when her kids are there for tea or a film and Says things like "if I haven't got my own kids I don't want to be entertaining anyone else's"

I have to say I'd not be putting up with it but she's in love with him but only she can decide

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