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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't let go. I feel trapped

51 replies

xmumoftwox · 08/03/2023 10:45

Hi

I've posted before about my partner. In short we've been together since I was a teenager and I'm not 30. We have 2 young children and we used to be very happy but he's an alcoholic. He doesn't think he is because he doesn't drink from the minute he gets up but he pours himself a vodka and coke as soon as he gets in from work (4pm) and drinks around half a bottle most nights especially at the weekend. I've told him I'm leaving multiple times but never follow through. All he does is sleep and drink. We have no relationship because of this but everything is always my fault. We have no money either because of what he's spending it on and I'm just so unhappy. I had the wheels in motion around 2 months ago to leave but like always I backed out because he gave me the usual sob story and that he'll change but he hasn't.

I know in my heart I'll be happier on my own with my two babies but I'm trapped because there are no houses available for rent in our area and I know council housing lists in our area basically mean you'll be waiting years. I can't afford to stay in our home nor do I want to do he'd have to buy me out.

Thing is I just can't let go. I go round in this endless loop of knowing I want to leave but then he comes home and I tell myself it might get better and maybe it's better for the kids to stay because they obviously love their dad and maybe I'm making something out of nothing. I'm pathetic really aren't I! We never have sex either because I don't want. I have no interest. He then accuses me of cheating..

Has anyone else been in this position? How did you do it? How did you make that final decision? Especially when you've been together over a decade?

I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm so unhappy, I'm so low. I don't know what to do. If it wasn't for my kids keeping me going I don't know if I'd still be here to be honest because my mind just going round in circles over and over.

Any advice would be appreciated but please be kind.

Thank you for taking the time to read this xx

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/03/2023 13:52

I'm pathetic really aren't I

No.

Stop this line of thought. Imagine how mean it would be of someone to say to you 'You're pathetic, really, aren't you'

Lack of self respect stops you leaving. And it's all evident in this sentence. What can you think of to say to yourself that would be kinder?

Isheabastard · 08/03/2023 13:59

I second that you are not pathetic, you are just reacting normally to being in an awful situation.

I know that the advice given by other wives of alcoholics is always you can’t help them until they begin to help themselves.

If you stay he’s going to wreck four lives, if you leave he’ll only wreck his own.

Justmeandthedog1 · 08/03/2023 15:47

The “I’ll change” will go on and on and on.
Unless he actively goes to AA ( or similar) and gets on board with it, it wont change for the better. It can change for the worse, sorry.
Living with an alcoholic is shit and it changes as their tolerance levels change. It can spiral into violence, threats of violence, threats of self harm, illness as their stomach, liver, brain become affected by the alcohol. It is very destructive.
Start making your exit plan. Cut off as much money as you can and get it into your own account. Move out and leave him details of AA. Only he can help himself.

Original poster
xmumoftwox · 08/03/2023 17:14

The thing is I can't just leave because I have nowhere to go. Private rent, council houses, there's just nothing available in the area we live and I can't move to a different area as all my support system live here and my child's school too. I'm also scared my daughter who is 6 will struggle with the change if I leave. I know it's not good for them as things stand but I've been her. My dad was also an alcoholic but he was also violent. Both children are more for mummy than daddy and I know I will have to share them when usually they are with me no matter what. The thought of having to make sure they see their dad even if they are upset just kills my heart and mind. He did say to me the last time he felt like he'd kill himself if he didn't have us. I struggle with mental health problems too but I don't get the respite he does but he says I don't support him....

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 08/03/2023 18:39

The thought of having to make sure they see their dad even if they are upset just kills my heart and mind*
They're having to live with him just now, they have no choice.
I grew up with an abusive drinker, it's not a life, put yourself and
your kids first, he'll never change.
At least get an housing application in, it'd be a start.

IsItMeOrEveryoneElse · 08/03/2023 18:42

Hi

Sorry you are in this situation
Yes, he is an alcoholic but he is in denial
Alcoholics blame everyone but themselves so will make out everythings your fault
You will be in this cycle for years, maybe even for ever, you have to think of that.
It wont change, it will get worse (unless hes willing to admit it) but alcoholism is extremely hard to overcome
You have to stop enabling him-unless you are actually going to follow thru on the threat to leave for eg then dont say it-its like threatening a child that you wont take them to cinema if they dont behave, but they still play up but you still take them
If theres no consequences theres no incentive to change
If you can, leave-for your own good and your childrens, having an alcoholic parent will affect them massively
If you really cant leave then build up a life for yourself without him
You have to be strong, he will lie, manipulate you and make you promises
Dont be in this cycle for years

RandomMess · 08/03/2023 18:57

If you stay you will perpetuate the cycle and your DC highly like become or partner alcoholics too.

Speak to woman's aid for support in leaving. Perhaps the answer is he leaves and the property sold.

Flowers
Original poster
xmumoftwox · 08/03/2023 20:00

Thank you everyone I appreciate all the advice. My dad was an alcoholic and I feel I have made history repeat itself for my children. I know what the answer is it's just having the courage to do it. I think like most of you have said I need to get my ducks in a row and start a housing application. I didn't think it would be so hard to leave but I guess it is because this is all I've known

OP posts:
Original poster
xmumoftwox · 13/03/2023 07:59

Update

I've been offered a house by a private landlady. I've even been to look at it. But this weekend he's been on his best behaviour other than he's drank almost a whole bottle of vodka in one night. Believe me if a friend told me how much he drinks I'd tell her to bin him so why does it feel so much harder for me to be able to do that. I've been with him for almost 14 years. Making this decision is going to change all our lives and I feel so much immense pressure. Why can't I just make the choice 😭 I feel sick all the time. Feel like I'm betraying him by even thinking about moving out. It makes it worse because the house we own (well mortgaged) is literally falling apart. Leaking roof, mould, no carpet upstairs and I can't afford to fix it because every month we end up in our overdraft or worse. Urghhh I can't cope

OP posts:
MarriedMama23 · 13/03/2023 08:03

Leave him to it and move into the private rent with your babies. You aren't responsible for him. You need to focus on yourself.

Blanca87 · 13/03/2023 08:05

You would be betraying your children more if you stay.

Pashazade · 13/03/2023 08:10

Take the house, move out. Once you are away from his day to day nonsense then you will have a clearer head to do what is needed. He obviously figured something was going on this weekend, but you know this is not a long term change. Yes it's scary, yes it's hard, but you can do this, you really can. You know heart of hearts that getting yourself and the children out is the right choice.

MMadness · 13/03/2023 08:10

You'd be potentially condemning your daughter to the same life if you stay and if you have a son, the potential for him to model his father's behaviour is massive.

Take the house, everything else will work itself out.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 13/03/2023 08:13

Why not flip it...

He has let you down by not being the husband he promised to be on your wedding day, he has let your children down because he isn't a good father.

Sell the house and leave

Takeitonthechin · 13/03/2023 08:27

No you're not pathetic, it sounds like you need support from family & friends to be able to make the next step.

He's not going to change and you cannot stop him drinking, he can and will only if he really wants to, but this is his decision.
You need to make the extra step, think about the long term effects this will have on your children, seeing their father drinking, they're going to grow up thinking this is normal.
You and the kids are missing out on so much life and only you can make the decision to change things for the better for them.
You cannot take responsibility for your husbands actions, maybe you leaving him is the wake up call he needs, who knows, but you and the kids deserve a better life.
If you stay, you are only keeping him in his 'comfort zone'.
Please leave, if only for the kids sake, put on your big girl pants and do something today.
He's not thinking what's best for you and the kids, he's being very selfish indeed, put yourself in a friends shoes, if this was happening to her, what would you say to her.
Please make the change

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2023 08:42

You can cope. You’ve been so strong coming to this decision. No one says it’s easy. It’s not. But it’s easy to go through it now than wish you’d done it in a year or 5 years. You know you owe it to your children to keep going with the steps needed to give them a better future. You haven’t caused any of this, he has. Be brave and keep posting for support 💐

RandomMess · 13/03/2023 08:44

Move into the private rent, see it as a separation for now.

Speak to woman's aid or the AA family support people.

His drinking is the reason why you are living in a squalid house because he chooses to spend the money on alcohol and prioritises drinking over helping sort the house out.

Break the cycle so your DC don't partner up with alcoholics.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/03/2023 09:15

check out Al Anon - support and information for those close to alcoholics in addition to all the wise words from posters here.

you’re not pathetic. You are in a very hard situation but leaving is the best thing to do

Frith2013 · 13/03/2023 11:08

Please take the house.

You'll be glad that you did once you're settled.

SpringleDingle · 13/03/2023 11:44

Move into private rented. He needs to hit rock bottom to see that he has an issue and to be ready to work on improving matters. He can't do that whilst you are still there making everything look and feel "ok". You are hurting him and your kids by staying. Leave - even if you still support his recovery. Once he has TRULY changed his behavior and demonstrated sobriety maybe you can re-unite (if you still want to). However for at least a year you need to be separate to push him to get the help he needs.

Original poster
xmumoftwox · 13/03/2023 20:05

I finally plucked up the courage after finding all the empty vodka bottles outside to take the house. Now that has all fallen through because the landlord won't accept universal credit but I don't earn enough on my own. I can't take more hours because I can't afford childcare. So just when I thought I hit rock bottom...turns out I hadn't quite hit it 😭 feel completely defeated as houses come up once in a blue moon in my area and usually a lot more rent

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/03/2023 20:38

Speaks to Woman's Aid.

You need to either get him out or you leave. You need to take charge of this situation for your own sanity.

It may mean that the house goes up for sale.

Original poster
xmumoftwox · 02/04/2023 07:30

UPDATE

So I still haven't been able to find anywhere to live so still under the same roof. He has reached out to one of the services for help and has had one session of counselling but Friday he had an entire 70cl of vodka and the yesterday he bought another one and has about a quarter of it left. His parents have praised him and said he's done the hard bit and I'm just sitting there like you have no clue what I'm going through right now.

I do have support around me yet I feel completely alone. I feel sad, angry, scared of the future. I can't shake this feeling of frustration and resentment towards him and I don't love him the same but I can't make the decision to end it because I'm scared it will be the wrong choice and I'll mess up everyone's lives.

I don't know what to do and I know no one can really help me so I'm not sure of the point of this post but I just needed to get it written down out of my head.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 02/04/2023 07:39

Can you tell him to leave and go to his parents to give you space?

I'd be fully frank with them as well.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. Please break the cycle. It's hard to leave but please know that really, it's even harder to stay....

BCBird · 02/04/2023 07:44

I have no experience of what you are going through, but wanted to send you a hand h6. My maternal grandmother was an alchol8. My mum.and aunt have told me life was extremely difficult and even though my grand8was a ree totaler,earned a good wage etc and was loving it did not make up for my grandmother. One of my good friends who I holiday with and have known 30 years ended up.marrying someone who was an alcoholic. She had to cut ties as he didn't really engage with AA.her impetus to leave was that she thought I'm not bringing my daughter up.in this environment. I.hope you get some peace.Stay strong.

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