My life was kind of like that when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn and a toddler. Ex didn't drink quite so much and hid bottles of spirits from me thinking I wouldn't like him drinking that much. He was unpleasant, verbally abusive and provocative as a result of the drinking, which I was initially unaware of. Then one day I caught him drinking spirits from a bottle and the truth came out.
At first I gave him an ultimatum, either he goes to alcohol counselling and stops drinking or we separate.
We were struggling financially as I had given up my job to look after the kids, I was finding it hard to budget and we often had no money left before the end of the month.
But once I discovered his secret drinking, I found out all his trips to buy bits and pieces during the week included regular bottles of spirits I didn't know about.
In addition, he was taking cash to pay a counsellor who he'd agreed to see after he had been aggressive to me during my 2nd pregnancy and I'd insisted he sort himself out or I would leave. When I discovered the secret drinking, he also admitted to me he hadn't continued the counselling and had pretended to go each week and spent the money on alcohol instead.
I was in a desperate situation with a newborn and a toddler, getting little sleep, trying to cope and provide for them. On top of that I had to deal with his angry outbusts and provocative behaviour, which often ended up with me trying to escape by barracading myself and the kids in the bedroom with furniture against the door until he calmed down.
Once I even had to call an ambulance as he collapsed and banged his head and started behaving really strangely and they arrived and took him to hospital and admitted him overnight. I thought something was seriously wrong and followed him to hospital in the car with the kids. At A&E they said he was being verbally abusive to the staff asked me if he was drunk and I told them he didn't drink, which I believed. He hid his drinking so well they didn't even see the truth. The next day he got the bus home but never admitted he had been drinking, which was obviously the case looking back.
He did go to alcohol counselling, or rather he told me he did, I'll never know if he kept it up the whole time. But he never apologised to me for any of it and never openly admitted he had a problem. If he had drunk or been abusive to me it was always my fault, I had annoyed him in some way to cause it. It was impossible to discuss with him and he was unable to consider that he might have a problem or that the issue was anything to do with him.
There was a huge issue of trust that had been broken with him spending the counselling money we already couldn't afford on alcohol for a period of many months. I felt betrayed, like I had been deceived and that it was going to be impossible to resolve this with him. I couldn't move forward if we were unable to discuss it openly and he could take no responsibility for his actions.
We owned a joint house with a mortgage and in the end I was so unhappy I said I wanted to move somewhere cheaper with a smaller mortgage that I could afford to live in on my own if we split up. Surprisingly he agreed. I had counselling trying to figure out what to do while we sold the house and found a much cheaper one. Through my counselling I realised I had to make that break at the time of the move so I ended up moving into the house with the kids on my own and he had to find somewhere to rent.
In the end we divorced and sorted out finances, split assets and he bought a house himself as he had a good salary and a professional job.
The kids went there regularly. After several years of me thinking he had stopped drinking he got really drunk when the kids were there on a number of occasions and I had to collect them. I ended up having to go to the family court about it. It became evident that he had never really stopped drinking, the kids just hadn't realised as they were young, or maybe he hadn't got really drunk in front of them until then. I'll never really know.
A few times after going to court he got drunk again with the kids there and they started refusing to go to his house as they were getting older. I think he realised he would lose them if this continued and the kids said it seemed to stop and he didn't seem to get drunk when they were there anymore. Or maybe he drank after they went to bed, I will never know.
DS1 is now 18 and enjoys a small glass of wine or a beer with me and my (new) husband at the weekend. I didn't want him to be scared of alcohol especially as he is going to uni soon. DH and I drink a small amount, a glass of wine with dinner at weekends, DS1 likes joining in.
He says his dad and his partner have wine sometimes but he never joins in. He says he feels uncomfortable about it as his dad has never talked to him about it, even though after the family court involvement he made it clear he wanted his dad to discuss it with him. So it feels unresolved for him and he feels he doesn't want to even have a glass of wine with him.
My ex has never forgiven me for leaving him, preventing him from moving to the new, smaller house with me and the kids when I decided to finally separate. He has tried to continually punish me for taking 50% of the joint assets in the divorce, since he considered my time not working bringing up the kids not equal in terms of contribution as his paid job.
After years of abusive phone calls and emails from him over the years, I made the decision when DS2 was 16 and DS1 was 18 to end all but essential communication with him, which is pretty much no communication since the teens are old enough to organise anything they need to with him directly.
I am just glad I got out and am now married to someone I love and who loves me in a relationship with trust and mutual respect.
I think you are brave to share your story here. I didn't tell anyone for ages because I was ashamed. I didn't even tell my parents until we were actually separating when I was about to move into the new house with the kids on my own. I wanted to share my story in case it might help others.