Something awful happened last night, I am completely torn (long) ....

[LostAndAlone]

DH is depressed, he has gone from citrlopram (sp?)10mg to 40mg & counselling in about 5 months. He hasn't started couselling yet but has recieved the forms.

Last night I was in an awful mood as the weekend had passed without us spending anytime together, I was dreading today, i just wanted another Sunday. We had friends over Saturday night but I had asked DH several times during the day to cancel as I wanted some 'us' time.

So last night I was in this bad mood and was complaining about how I hadn't really seen him all weekend all all he had done sunday was sleep (he was like a narcaleptic! just kept dozing off) I got upset over another issue (his work - too long to go into) and ranted a bit about that

Then he said something awful, he said that I was like that because 'I needed a good f*king' he said thats what all this is about... 'because i hadn't been f*ked I was so angry so I was sat on his computer chair and in anger knocked some of his belongings off the desk (nothing broke or was damaged)

Then he picked me up by the neck and dragged me out of the room, the threw me across the hall and i landed into the toilet door.

I was crying my eyes out and I was so angry.

I automatically jumped up and slapped him in the face, I must've done it about 3 times and i was sobbing saying 'go on hit me then I will have a reason to leave'

And the threw me across the hall again but this time I went to the left and went through the stairgate, i fell down the stairs onto the large corner step, but it had a plastic box there and i have a cut on my back.

He helped me up but then I saw our young son was on the landing crying his eyes out.

Dh was still ranting and started punching the walls.

I just tried to calm him down and i said 'im going in there with DS ok?, just stop now hes scared'

About 10 mins later i was in bed and had taken DS in with me and he came in, I was facing away, and he said ' 'lostand alone' please dont tell anyone what I did, Ill do anything, please'

That made me feel sick

I felt like I was in eastenders or some shite magazine, like this would never happen to me.

We talked for a long time and hes really depressed, Its bad. He tolsme he felt like he wanted to kill himself

He said he hopes 'ds never remembers what happened as he would hate him.

His dad was violent and he remembers it.

I don't want to leave as this man is my husband but hes not the man I married. The depression is a cloud over us both and I want to work through it, I really do.

The man thats under there wouldn't do that, its the mental disease.

He said he would leave if I wanted him to.

Part of me thinks he should go, but then I took my vows through better and worse, and even though I know I didnt agree to what happened last night I feel that it truely is this medication hes on, hes just not himself.

I wish he would just go back to being tha man I love

I'm so sad to hear your story. You must be devastated. Just bumping this up.

I just felt I had to write this down or tell someone by the way, I don't know why or what Im expecting from you.

This is very difficult. I really feel for you, what an awful situation. Is this the first he has ever been violent towards you? it seems as if you are now at real risk of being seriously hurt, and your ds must not witness any more violence. I would suggest if at all possible your dh goes to see a psychotherapist immediately, even if he has to go privately. and you may have to consider leaving temporarily with your ds, or asking your dh to live somewhere else temporarily [if you think that won't provoke him]
He also need to go back to his gp and ask perhaps for different medication. This kind of situation is insufferable for you. I hope someone else comes along and offers useful advice.

Thanks ruty, there have been a few other minor incidents yes, but all since he got depressed.

I would second you both going along to the gp and explaining thesituation. /the gp should be able to tell you if this is a side effect or not and if they can change his medication.

I'm not shreiking 'leave him, leave him' but you must both address howserious this is, illness or not, you couldhave been really hurt and your dh was unable to stop himself even when your ds saw...what if it isyour ds who upsets him next???

I agree with Dropdeadfred.

Speak to Women's Aid here is the website.

Just because he didn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't domestic abuse. Just because he's depressed doesn't mean it's excusable. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

My stepdad was violent to my mum. Believe me, you don't forget

Good advice from Ruty. If your dh is serious about getting this sorted out I can see why you would want to hang in there but you must put yourself and your ds first. How long has your dh been depressed? Is he the sort of person who will be responsible about taking his medication long term?

So sorry to hear your story.
I think you should get him to make an appointment with his GP, and tell the GP he is now getting violent with suicidal thoughts. Perhaps the GP will then do something more.

How old is your DS?

Three things here worry me desperately. The comment about needing a good f**king; the dragging you across the room - that takes everal seonds, it's not like a push which could conceivably happen in an impulsive split-second; and the 'don't tell anyone' comment. I have no experience wrt the ADs and do not know how they would influence hisbehaviour, but I find what you have described worrying. I would second talking to Women's Aid. You should also, as suggeste, both speak to the GP.

Poor you - what a nightmare situation for you. I agree with the other posters. You must go back to the GP urgently and explain how bad things are. It may be something that could be sorted quite easily with a change in medication. My mum had a dreadful time last year when my dad was on medication (not anti-depressants, something to do with his cancer) and it caused him to have hallucinations and he became quite violent. He came off the pills straight away but she had an awful three or four days with him until the effects wore off. His actions were completely down to the pills and a change of medication sorted it out.

If medication can't sort it out quickly, you should consider a temporary separation. I know you feel you took your vows 'for better, for worse' but you have to think of your son.

Your dh needs to go and see his GP immediately. He needs urgent psychiatric intervention. While your husband is unable to control himself you need to keep you and your child / children safe. You need to be apart from him for a while. Can you take your children and stay with a relative or friend for a few days? Would your dh consider leaving for a while? Would you consider contacting Women's Aid?
Not telling anyone is not an option. Either his mental illness or the aggression (and probably both) will get worse unless action is taken now. Please, please don't just try to pretend that this isn't happening.
You must be so tired and devastated.

i would say go back to the gp urgently

quite possiblyt he needs to change his medication

i agree with dropdeadfred

some ads can cause unexpected side affects including ssuicidal impulses and changes in brain chemistry which some people will experience as extreme mood swings etc

Flier hes scred they will put him away if he tells them he feels suicidal and so am I.

I told him how upset I was last night that he could even think about killing himself, so selfish He said he never could but hes thought about it.

I said so you would go downstairs now get a knife and kill your self,

and he seemed startled and said 'no I wouldn't use a knife'

Which made me think he really has thought about it, which method to use ect.

That really really scared me,

DS is just 1.5yrs.

Depression might be a reason for violence, but it's not an excuse. I think your husband needs to come clean with his GP about his anger issues and violence towards you and push for some sort of therapy sooner rather than later. In the meantime, only you can decide what is best for you and your son. Personally, I wouldn't want my child exposed to that.

very few people are hospitalised because of suicidal thoughts they are common

he must explain to the gp in order to have the correct medication

we are all individuals and some people get psychotic on certain ads or expereince extreme personality changes

at the very least he needs help and yourself

oh jesus you poor wee thing, how terrible. i think you've had some good advice here, if he's scared himself then now would be a good time to get to the GP and demand more intense care. and if you get a quiet moment phone Womens Aid as well.

I'm afraid that telling the truth about how the depression is affecting him and his family is the only way for him to get appropriate help. Could you go to the gp with him? or could you go to your GP to talk about things?

How is your DS this morning?

I can understand that your dh is scared of being "put away" but under the circumstances it might not be a bad idea if he voluntarily went to some sort of facility where they could sort out his medication and monitor him properly so that he is not a danger to himself or others while they do so.

Hopefully your ds won't remember what happened in the long term but in another or year or so he will be old enough to remember....

I suffer from depression and at times can feel waves of uncontrolable rage. I can feel it coming and I shut myself into a room on my own and scream at the top of my lungs and then sit there until I feel better. If I did not do this, I would turn into a monster.

I say this just to try and explain what your dh might be feeling (and I suspect it might be worse in a man). It is a truly awful feeling and will not be prompted by anything you have done.

He needs to find a strategy to deal with it and medication which works for him. When I feel really bad, my GP prescribed Diazepam as a "rescue remedy" which does work to calm me down (although should not be taken too often). Maybe he could talk to your GP about this. He could also consider anger management. It won't stop him feeling the rage but will give him an outlet for it.

Very sorry you are going through this and I hope you manage to work something out.

DS is fine thanks Oblivious (or I hope so anyway )

He does seem his happy little self.

I might phone the doctors now and make an appointment for tomorrow and just tell DH he needs to go and if he doesnt go and be honest then the only other option is to leave.

\i think there is a middle ground.

I think htat perhaps if he could go somewhere and leave whilst he made a concerted effort to get better he should.

i think that way you can show him that you will not support his violence or te excuse of depression to be violent.

also he can concentrate on geting beter without having to worry about falling asleep when you want "us" time...its the little things.

i think unconditional love is a fallacy - and if you ignor ethis or activly support this, it may happen again.

My dh dragged me round by my hair last year - we have been married 17 years. there were contributing factors - but those factors do not make it ok

i left witht he children

i would have stayed gone but finances forced me back - this he knows. and things are getting better - but something is broken and it will take a time to heal.

you must show im you are proper serious about not accepting that kind f behaviour.

not for him but for you. self respect an dignity can be easily eroded over time. ad you need to keep these firmly in place - only thatway will yor children grow up knowing what ahealthy relatioship is.

when i left i went o a refuge and i kept crying and apologising to my teenage twins - my dd said " i don't know why we are here mum, buti know you di it fr good reason"

you owe it to your son t have that kind of faith in you.

Lost and Alone

I can more speak as someone with depression and who has had mood swings that lead to violent thoughts (although I haven't done anything violent).

I have had suicidal thoughts, my GPs know and there has never been any suggestion of me being put away.

I really think your DH (and you if possible) need to go and see the doctor - there is something not right, which could be caused by medication, or could be improved by a different medication.

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time - I have been depressed for a year now and have had some very bad times, I have NEVER rasied my hand to anyone and have found it hard just to keep going. I have said some truely horrid things, but my DP has just let it go over his head and has loved me unconditionally - I have been HORRID to live with and in reflection a break might of moved things along quick taking the pressure off me to keep pretending I was well, when all I wanted to do was top myself. I am over the worse now but it has taken a very long time to feel ok. I hope you get the help for your DP - he will get through this but you need to be supportive and give him some space. Thinking off you

Eve

Home is supposed to be safe. Can you be somewhere safe?

Being a wife to your depressed husband doesn't stop just because you are in a safe place. Caring for someone doesn't stop because you are in a different place. Honestly.

Why not be somehwere where you know your bruises can heal up ok without further damage,.

Tlc to you and your DS. Your husband's needs are great, but I think maybe they are a separate issue.

Can you call a friend of his and beg/tell him to call him as an old friend? Can you stay with a relative of yours? Can a relative of your DH come over to be with your DH?