Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something awful happened last night, I am completely torn (long) ....

65 replies

LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 08:55

DH is depressed, he has gone from citrlopram (sp?)10mg to 40mg & counselling in about 5 months. He hasn't started couselling yet but has recieved the forms.

Last night I was in an awful mood as the weekend had passed without us spending anytime together, I was dreading today, i just wanted another Sunday. We had friends over Saturday night but I had asked DH several times during the day to cancel as I wanted some 'us' time.

So last night I was in this bad mood and was complaining about how I hadn't really seen him all weekend all all he had done sunday was sleep (he was like a narcaleptic! just kept dozing off) I got upset over another issue (his work - too long to go into) and ranted a bit about that

Then he said something awful, he said that I was like that because 'I needed a good f*king' he said thats what all this is about... 'because i hadn't been f*ked I was so angry so I was sat on his computer chair and in anger knocked some of his belongings off the desk (nothing broke or was damaged)

Then he picked me up by the neck and dragged me out of the room, the threw me across the hall and i landed into the toilet door.

I was crying my eyes out and I was so angry.

I automatically jumped up and slapped him in the face, I must've done it about 3 times and i was sobbing saying 'go on hit me then I will have a reason to leave'

And the threw me across the hall again but this time I went to the left and went through the stairgate, i fell down the stairs onto the large corner step, but it had a plastic box there and i have a cut on my back.

He helped me up but then I saw our young son was on the landing crying his eyes out.

Dh was still ranting and started punching the walls.

I just tried to calm him down and i said 'im going in there with DS ok?, just stop now hes scared'

About 10 mins later i was in bed and had taken DS in with me and he came in, I was facing away, and he said ' 'lostand alone' please dont tell anyone what I did, Ill do anything, please'

That made me feel sick

I felt like I was in eastenders or some shite magazine, like this would never happen to me.

We talked for a long time and hes really depressed, Its bad. He tolsme he felt like he wanted to kill himself

He said he hopes 'ds never remembers what happened as he would hate him.

His dad was violent and he remembers it.

I don't want to leave as this man is my husband but hes not the man I married. The depression is a cloud over us both and I want to work through it, I really do.

The man thats under there wouldn't do that, its the mental disease.

He said he would leave if I wanted him to.

Part of me thinks he should go, but then I took my vows through better and worse, and even though I know I didnt agree to what happened last night I feel that it truely is this medication hes on, hes just not himself.

I wish he would just go back to being tha man I love

OP posts:
Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 09:29

Thankyou for all your help.

I also have a son thats 4, I dread to think if it were him that woke up, he adores his dad

I think I might go stay with my mum till Friday or something.

But then I feel like im abandoning him.

Part of me thinks 'walk a way for a while, hurt him, make him feel alone and show him you wont always stya'

but the mental state he is in at themoment Im not sure thats a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 09:32

Im going off the PC for a while now, i have a headache.

Ill pop back on later though.

Thanks again.

I feel much better, undecided but better x

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 11/02/2008 09:33

Can you go with him to the GP? if it was me I would want to ensure he had told the GP exactly what was going on and that the GP was taking it seriously and sorting it out...

And custy's idea about your dh going somewhere else is good - has he got family nearby he could stay with who would care for him and support him?

ZippiBabes · 11/02/2008 09:35

staying with your mum sounds a good idea

your dh needs help..he needs to be honest

and if he did need hospitalisation then it may only be short but hardly anybody is hospitalised

there are lots of different medications he needs to get sorted

and take it from there to see how issues can be resolved eventually

hugs and one step at a time

Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 09:35

No family, well yes he does have but all live far away.

His brother lives close but he couldnt go there, cramped as it is. And the only other place is his nanas but shes ill so he couldnt go there,

he said he would sleep on the streets .

(Really am off now, DS1 wants to watch the ben 10 film lol)

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 11/02/2008 09:36

I've just seen that you have an older son as well.... I think an older child will remember more about what is going on and be affected more. I really think some form of separation while this is sorted out would be safer for you all....

colditz · 11/02/2008 09:37

You (YOU) need to contact the GP surgery and say you SERIOUSLY worried about your partner's mental health.

Don't keep his filthy little secret for him, it will do him no good in the long run. He needs the help NOW. Some medication can cause unusual behavior - unsurprising really, when you consider that it plays with your brain chemistry. He needs psychiatric intervention NOW.

And I speak as someone who was not in your position, but very nearly his.

sarahsixtoes · 11/02/2008 09:43

Without wanting to sound rude or mean because it sounds like a terrible fight that got out of control on both sides....I say both sides because you were demanding his attention! I know we only know half the story,as it sounds like he's been working through things with a counsellor, but part of the healing from depression is getting ANGRY, and to all intents and purposes we always take it out on our nearest and dearest behind closed doors. There is no excuse for violence dont get me wrong and your poor son had to witness that, thats the shameful part. I think probably this incident will shake your dh up and make him realise that he needs to get his act together otherwise he will lose you. Get tough with him and dont put up with any more. Dont dwell on this situation if you can help it, I got some good advice once after my dh had an affair...if you forgive him dont keep bringing it up in every argument you have...close the lid on it and start afresh, if you cant do that then leave him.

ZippiBabes · 11/02/2008 09:45

in your circumstances hospital would sound like a good solution if it merited it..sadly there are too few places in psychiatric units and they are very hard to get into

but that would make him safe while he got his psychiatric problems looked at and make you safe

sarahsixtoes · 11/02/2008 09:48

sorry that last post sounds like I think "you were asking for it" I dont mean that at all! and I dont want anyone to think I meant that!

Alambil · 11/02/2008 09:58

Close the lid and start afresh absolutely but DO NOT brush it under the carpet - it will be the elephant in the room.

You have had some brilliant advice on here so I won't add to it; I'll just say it is most likely that your DS has NOT remembered what happened.

My DS was a babe in arms during my abuse - he has been affected in so much as he hates really loud, sudden noises (from when the shouting at me started) and things like that but he doesn't remember individual accounts of what happened; and it was on-going during the whole pregnancy and until he was 6 months old.

If it were a one off - I doubt he would have remembered at all.

Please just make sure you stay safe - leaving for the week is NOT abandoning him; it is getting the help you all need.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 11/02/2008 09:58

Your post has made me cry. I feel so sorry for all of you. I have depression so can understand how it can make you do things out of character but there should still be some control there.

For better for worse does not include being beaten up and physically hurt.

I think he needs some help, fast, and if he could stay out of the house for a few days it might help.

I am so so sorry for you.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 11/02/2008 10:00

I would go to your mum's. You aren't abandoning him. You are trying to save yourself and your children from any more hurt.

seasidemama · 11/02/2008 10:09

Really, really sorry to hear what you're going through.

Going to your Mum's, or anywhere else safe, isn't abandoning him. By getting some safe space for you and your children, and giving him time to get help you may well be securing the chance for you all to get through this together. "For better or for worse" is wonderful, and he's bloody lucky to have you, but it doesn't mean you have to be physically holding his hand through it all.

Be gentle with yourself today.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 11/02/2008 10:09

L&L, Relate have a specialiast service for men who are concerned about violence (their own/possiblity of it). Their number is 0845 1228609. It's called the Respect Helpline.

Whatveer you decide, perhaps you could give him this number and ask him to consider using it. This will allow him to be proactive and to show you he is serious in getting this sorted out so that it does not happen again. He may also then feel that you have not given up on him.

anyoldname · 11/02/2008 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 12:26

Ive been crying all morning,

im so grateful for your posts, I really am.

It does feel like a 'dirty secret'
My family know he is on meds and that he has changed, my mum has noticed most as she is here sometimes when he gets home from work.

No hellos or kisses just scowling and basically what amounts to an 'inspection' of the living room & kitchen to see if its tidy.

I think he has slight OCD in the tidy house deptartment.

Anyoldname - he was talking about stopping the tablets as TBH he really has got alot worse since starting them.
He said he wants to get rid of all his possesions,, everything that makes him 'him' all remindes of the person he is now and start afresh without the meds.

Does that sound crazy? I dont know if its a good idea or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 12:28

Sarahsix toes, I wasnt demanding attention, its been so hard this last year and what I was asking for was some time alone, he works all week then goes out a few nights, i sit here with the kids.

I dont think that asking your husband to sit with you, cuddle you, show some affection is 'attention seeking'

and no, he isnt working it out with a counsellor, he hasnt started that yet.

Maybe when he does things will imporve.

But for now he just takes his pills, gets worse as the dose goes up it seems and takes it all out on me.

OP posts:
ZippiBabes · 11/02/2008 12:31

if it coincides with the ads then he is very likely to be on wrong medication

there are some mental health problems which are mnade worse with particular ads he needs to consult a gp/psychiatrist urgently

Tortington · 11/02/2008 12:34

no its not attention seeking but to you dh its something else he has to worry about - how to please youad kep you hapy and in his twisted depressed state that can quite frankly turn into anything

look at it this way - if he can stay somewhere else for a few weeks you are saying " these are my boundaries - throwing me down the stairs is unacceptable i have dignity and pride"

you can also at he same time tell him that you still love him and support him and will welcome him home when he has sorted himself out a bit.

ruty · 11/02/2008 12:41

i agree with custardo there - i think it is very important to signal to him that you being pushed down the stairs is unacceptable, and that you should take the children and spend a bit of time away, whilst making sure he is getting some support/going to gp about meds, etc.

Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 12:47

Yes I think so too.

Problem is if I leave then i will have to go to my mums, stay in a box room with both kids, they smoke which I HATE and the kids will be away from their things, lifes disrupted ect...

But if i tell HIM to leave then i know he will sleep rough, he will not swallow his pride and ask for help from anyone and he hasnt really got anyone to turn to.

OP posts:
ZippiBabes · 11/02/2008 12:49

why doesn't he go to the gp

no point taking meds if they are wrong he could become seriously ill and lose his family and everything else

at least from your mums you can take a breather and enlist your parents help to sort things out

Original poster
LostAndAlone · 11/02/2008 12:52

Hiya zippi

he was there on wednesday, he told them how shite he was feeling and that his life had been hell (in his head) for the last 2 months.

she doubled the dosage

He said she will just say 'give it time and they will work'

OP posts:
ruty · 11/02/2008 12:53

go to another gp! Or at least he has to tell her the gravity of the situation, and his behaviour.
Could he go to your mum's and sleep in box room?

Swipe left for the next trending thread