Something awful happened last night, I am completely torn (long) ....

[LostAndAlone]

DH is depressed, he has gone from citrlopram (sp?)10mg to 40mg & counselling in about 5 months. He hasn't started couselling yet but has recieved the forms.

Last night I was in an awful mood as the weekend had passed without us spending anytime together, I was dreading today, i just wanted another Sunday. We had friends over Saturday night but I had asked DH several times during the day to cancel as I wanted some 'us' time.

So last night I was in this bad mood and was complaining about how I hadn't really seen him all weekend all all he had done sunday was sleep (he was like a narcaleptic! just kept dozing off) I got upset over another issue (his work - too long to go into) and ranted a bit about that

Then he said something awful, he said that I was like that because 'I needed a good f*king' he said thats what all this is about... 'because i hadn't been f*ked I was so angry so I was sat on his computer chair and in anger knocked some of his belongings off the desk (nothing broke or was damaged)

Then he picked me up by the neck and dragged me out of the room, the threw me across the hall and i landed into the toilet door.

I was crying my eyes out and I was so angry.

I automatically jumped up and slapped him in the face, I must've done it about 3 times and i was sobbing saying 'go on hit me then I will have a reason to leave'

And the threw me across the hall again but this time I went to the left and went through the stairgate, i fell down the stairs onto the large corner step, but it had a plastic box there and i have a cut on my back.

He helped me up but then I saw our young son was on the landing crying his eyes out.

Dh was still ranting and started punching the walls.

I just tried to calm him down and i said 'im going in there with DS ok?, just stop now hes scared'

About 10 mins later i was in bed and had taken DS in with me and he came in, I was facing away, and he said ' 'lostand alone' please dont tell anyone what I did, Ill do anything, please'

That made me feel sick

I felt like I was in eastenders or some shite magazine, like this would never happen to me.

We talked for a long time and hes really depressed, Its bad. He tolsme he felt like he wanted to kill himself

He said he hopes 'ds never remembers what happened as he would hate him.

His dad was violent and he remembers it.

I don't want to leave as this man is my husband but hes not the man I married. The depression is a cloud over us both and I want to work through it, I really do.

The man thats under there wouldn't do that, its the mental disease.

He said he would leave if I wanted him to.

Part of me thinks he should go, but then I took my vows through better and worse, and even though I know I didnt agree to what happened last night I feel that it truely is this medication hes on, hes just not himself.

I wish he would just go back to being tha man I love

he needs to go back and be honest

mental health care relies on self reporting

what suits one can be disastrous for another

I agree also - it's not abandoning him,. it's taking a step back. A break is a good thing for all of you. But do go to the docs, there are things they can do.

I think that your dh clearly needs some help, but he is not going to get the proper help that he needs if his suicidal thoughts and his aggressive behaviour are kept "secret".

I think that you and your ds need to protect yourselves and leave - at least temporarily, as others have stated and until your dh seeks help and tells someone the true nature of his recent depression INCLUDING the aggression. He needs to be honest about everything in order to get that help, and as long as he is not prepared to do that he won't get the help AND he is much more likely to repeat the behaviour.

It is not unusual for people who are out of control to feel awful and guilty about it afterwards. What your dh needs is help so that his behaviour does not escalate in the first place. Sometimes loving someone is about doing what is best for them, not what they think is best for them.

YOu say that what he did was out of character and is related to his depression and meds - that means that as long as his depression remains untreated, or he remains on the current medication he remains a threat. Just think about how guilty would your dh be, if he did something that really harmed you or your ds, because he had kept his behaviour secret. You are doing him (and of course yourself) no favours at all if you do not take action, and take it now, IMO.

I am very sad for you and your family, but I do think if you act now, you may be able to salvage your family before it is too late. Best wishes...

Could you go and see the GP alone? You never know exactly what he is saying - if he is ashamed he may not be reporting the violent feelings?

Here's the stark truth about mental health provision in this country. It's shit. Your DH need not fear being locked up. A friend of mine was turned away from hospital when in the throes of psychosis. At the time she believed that George Bush was sending her messages in the TV news and papers, and that CCTV cameras were watching her every move inside her house. She was writing crazy stuff on her walls, hearing voices, ranting and raving. She went to the emergency psychiatric team at the local psychiatric hospital and, I swear to God, they told her to take a bath.

My advice to your DH (and you, if you're sticking with him even though he's clearly dangerous right now) is don't be polite at the GP's. Insist on as much help as soon as possible, ask for likely timeframes and if they don't seem soon enough explain that you think your H's depression is turning to a dangerous rage and if they delay they'll be putting you and your kids at risk. Describe what happened to them, don't be shy. If you don't tell them the worst, they wont act on the worst.

I still think you need to speak to Women's Aid. I understand it must be pretty scary, perhaps even overblown to think of yourself as a victim of domestic abuse, but you are. They'll be able to advise you on this better than anyone. A line has been crossed, don't just ignore it and hope it'll get better. It really wont.

what dizietsma says is true you have to fight for mentyal health care they won't give it to you

Agree with dizietsma about the appalling lack of mental health provision in the UK.

I was with an ex-bf when he went through a mental breakdown the way he was treated was appalling, they prescribed him a number of things including one set of tablets that slowed his heart rate down to 1/3 of normal and that the BMA had advised to stop prescribing. He only ended up getting the help he needed due to the intervention of my middle class and stroppy relatives who refused to let this keep on happening.

Go to the doctors and tell them what happened, make them understand that it is serious, if they won't listen and something like this happens again then call them out for home visits ( sorry to any doctors out there, but I think you would have to agree that this is a serious situation and needs urgent medical attention) Keep on badgering until its getting treated seriously enough.

I'm with custardo as well, I think staying at your mums and having a bit of distance will help both yourself and the children, may also help the doctors to understand the gravity of the situation.

Take care of yourself and keep holding to the belief that it can and will get better.

Hi LostandAlone

My DH suffers from depression and has occasionally, when his depression is really bad, has flashes of temper - but not as bad as you describe. You need to go and see your GP TODAY with your DH - we did this with my DH and the GPs were wonderful - fitted us in and although they mentioned admitting him to hospital - the decsion was ours to take. We chose to work through it at home - they gave him very strong antianxiety drugs and high dose ADs.

If you don't get things sorted now it will just keep on getting worse.

Are you able to pay for any councelling privately - it worked for my DH.

But please act and get your DH to seek more help before anything else happens

If you think last night was mostly due to his MH and/or the medication then these links might help, especially in getting the doctor to reconsider simply increasing the dose.

Try here (sorry it's so heavily sponsored!)and www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a699001.html

This is the information that all patients/carers should now be given when they or a loved one is prescribed SSRI's (including citalopram):

A small number of children, teenagers, and young adults (up to 24 years of age) who took antidepressants ('mood elevators') such as citalopram during clinical studies became suicidal (thinking about harming or killing oneself or planning or trying to do so). Children, teenagers, and young adults who take antidepressants to treat depression or other mental illnesses may be more likely to become suicidal than children, teenagers, and young adults who do not take antidepressants to treat these conditions. However, experts are not sure about how great this risk is and how much it should be considered in deciding whether a child or teenager should take an antidepressant. Children younger than 18 years of age should not normally take citalopram, but in some cases, a doctor may decide that citalopram is the best medication to treat a child's condition.

You should know that your mental health may change in unexpected ways when you take citalopram or other antidepressants even if you are an adult over age 24. You may become suicidal, especially at the beginning of your treatment and any time that your dose is increased or decreased. You, your family, or your caregiver should call your doctor right away if you experience any of the following symptoms: new or worsening depression; thinking about harming or killing yourself, or planning or trying to do so; extreme worry; agitation; panic attacks; difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; aggressive behavior; irritability; acting without thinking; severe restlessness; and frenzied abnormal excitement. Be sure that your family or caregiver knows which symptoms may be serious so they can call the doctor when you are unable to seek treatment on your own.

Your healthcare provider will want to see you often while you are taking citalopram, especially at the beginning of your treatment. Be sure to keep all appointments for office visits with your doctor.

The doctor or pharmacist will give you the manufacturer's patient information sheet (Medication Guide) when you begin treatment with citalopram. Read the information carefully and ask your doctor or pharmacist if you have any questions. You also can obtain the Medication Guide from the FDA website: www.fda.gov/cder/drug/antidepressants/antidepressants_MG_2007.pdf.

No matter your age, before you take an antidepressant, you, your parent, or your caregiver should talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of treating your condition with an antidepressant or with other treatments. You should also talk about the risks and benefits of not treating your condition. You should know that having depression or another mental illness greatly increases the risk that you will become suicidal. This risk is higher if you or anyone in your family has or has ever had bipolar disorder (mood that changes from depressed to abnormally excited) or mania (frenzied, abnormally excited mood) or has thought about or attempted suicide. Talk to your doctor about your condition, symptoms, and personal and family medical history. You and your doctor will decide what type of treatment is right for you.

HTH

Thanks seasidemama

thats very helpful xx

Bimey. Sounds like the gp might not know what they're doing. Definitey worth asking for a change in meds.

Hi Lost
I couldn't read this without saying something. YOu are in a very similar situation to me 6 months ago.
My DH was depressed .... Didn't want the medication.... it all came to a head in an angry outburst like you said and I swore I would leave him. He saw I meant it and it scared the shit out of him, he realised how serious I was.
I told him he must go to gp and tell the truth. He did and did tell the truth, about feeling so angry he wanted to kill somebody etc... gp was brill and really supportive. With the correct medication it does get better.
I totally understand how you are feeling, to an outsider it may look like you should leave, but you feel like it's the illness making him like that.
My dh is much better now with the correct dose of tablets etc... and our life is a million times better.
But one thing has not changed, if he ever is violent to me again, I will leave. I know depression is an illness and allowances should be made, but there is still a point when enough is enough.
Please, please, please make him go to gp and make him tell the whole truth about everything that has happened. It has to come from him, because he has to realise that it's him who has to fight this, not you.
Please take care of yourself, you will need to be very strong for yourself and your kids and it will be exhausting, but it can get better if he is willing to change.
xxxxx

No problem. I really hope something gets sorted for you all. Did you or he manage to call the GP today? I hope things are better this evening.

I apologize, I can imagine how you must be feeling and you are absolutely right you need time together as a couple and a family. I think what I was trying to say was you as his nearest and dearest become his coucellor, his punch bag,yet his rock and get the brunt of it; its the people we love the most we hurt the most.That doesnt excuse him from his terrible behaviour though. I really hope he and you do the right thing, good luck xx

I ouldnt read this without saying something I went through this about 7 years ago my ex DH was on the same drug and seroxat

He went to the drs and got so depresed he tried to end his life a number of times but more half hearted attempts as a cry for help
whilst he was on these drugs he became very violent which in all honesty was completly against his normal behaviour

He went in and out of mental health units voluntarily a dr will alsways try to get you to go this way This helped him somewhat but was devastating for me they gae him loads of drugs so he didnt realise what was happening I however did

He is better now he copes with what life has to offer because he found out the reason he gets like he does and has found coping strategies

You need to think of what is best for you though and get yourself some help to deal with it I wish I had done I think we may have had a better outome in the end

Best Wishes to you both