Need clarity from you all as I think I’m losing it…..

[Valkyrie87]

I’ve posted on here the last few nights regarding my relationship with my 9 week old baby’s dad and my 7 year old daughter…..I’ll copy and paste what I’ve put and an update what happened last night and this morning….my head is fried

But you do now know he has a history of violence against women.

You know that and the police warned you he is dangerous by telling you this.

You know that and you're still saying 'but he's an amazing dad to his daughter'.

He isn't. He's an abusive arsehole.

I get a call from the police to say he’s been down the station and I have to let him explain when he gets in….I get the officer who I rang initially call me up and say if you need us we’ll be round so I thought wth is going on…turns out his ex reported him for hurting her and they been trying to get him for 2 months so they finally caught up with him and said you can either come to station or we’ll come to you (his uncles house) so he was in the cell all day and they took his phone off him for 2 months!! At the time cos he was so charming I never thought in a million years he’d do it - and he kept saying his ex was this and that, his mum was saying there’s no way my boy would ever do that - everyone was saying to me his a gentleman and from what I saw I thought so too, but over the months I’ve started to realise I do think his ex was telling the truth

If you stay with him then you are.

Does that mean you've decided to contact women's aid and get advice on ending the relationship as safely as possible?

@monsteramunch yes last year it happened when i was pregnant and there was no further action. He showed no signs to me and none since 4 weeks ago. I NOW feel foolish for believing absolutely nothing happened and she was just a scorned ex…..because of what happened to me 4 weeks ago! Sunday night just gone shocked me as he showed a difference to my daughter

It’s so when we break up you don’t have to see it

He knows he's gone far enough for you to want out, to want rid of him.

He'd have known with the last woman too, the one they've been trying to get a hold of him for roughing up for a couple of months.

This is when abusers go all out on guilt, manipulation, and of course niceness, big gestures etc.

The gestures are the mother's day thing and the chocolates.

The guilt and manipulation is about the photo and turning things around onto you etc.

He's text book.

He's a walking cliché.

He's highly highly unlikely to change.

He's also creating an above environment for your innocent young daughter.

He's just circulating trash. Let him circulate.

Which is the whole flipping reason I’m on here reaching out and I’m just getting flipping ridiculed for it - the fact this is all making it worse, I know what I have to do so I won’t post anymore, wow I really thought this site was for women to offer support whether that be to advise, help them during the process (which is what I’ve been hit with) but nope, just go on here for even more unkind sarcastic attitude

*an abusive environment

I'm sorry you're in this position op,. Hard enough at the best of times let alone with a new baby.

Unfortunately you're going to have to get rid of him.

Women's aid should be able to help you with a plan

@Valkyrie87 I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. It's not easy to realise how bad things are. There's a reason lots of people mention boiling frogs on threads like this.

Unfortunately, it is too often tue that these men will paint their ex's as crazy and all the rest and it's bizarre how often it is completely believed. So you have fallen into that trap yes, but it's ac common one. They wouldn't do it if it didn't work so often.

OP sorry you are having a hard time on here, mostly this board is pretty supportive. Don't stop posting. Your partner is abusing you, don't let him make you think otherwise. I would call the police and tell them what's been going on.

You can both love your child and be a risk to them if you have the capacity to lose the plot and get super angry……parenting babies is incredibly stressful even if you are a saint and perhaps that is why people are perceiving you and your children are at risk, particularly as police have been involved for assault against a former partner. Charities do offer counselling ,sometimes it is worth getting this support as it will help you get a clearer understanding of what you feel you need and what next steps could be. Sending hugs .

This. I was harsh op and I am sorry. The thing is I see posts from women on her all the damn time about their abusive partners and the fact is, those damaged kids grow up into damaged adults and the cycle continues. Kids who have no say and just suffer the consequences of choices their parents made. These women always say how beaten down they are, how weak they have become but they are not weak. The fact that they deal with abuse yet STILL get up every day is a testament to their strength and I wish they could see that.
You are strong. You carried and birthed two children. You are trying to raise them while taking shit from an abusive loser. Please put them first and get rid. He is a violent abuser, he has had police involvement before, it will not end well if you stay. It should be a no brainer, you haven't even been together for long!

It's very frustrating to see a woman write that they seriously thought the police had it wrong when we all know the police accept dv and violence as normal. The extent to which he hurt her most have been bad for them to arrest him at the station. That you thought this makes people offended and then they are rude to you, because it should be so blindingly obvious to you but of course it isn't.

Posters are trying to show you the reality of the situation. It's so easy for these abusers to make you think this is normal, it's fine, it won't happen again. But you're so incredibly vulnerable just after birth and your daughters are so tiny and vulnerable and his violence has escalated so quickly that we are all desperate for you to see what's happening and get him out of the house for your own safety.

Posters are offering help and support.

The red flags have been there from the start, the ex the police, the violence the abuse towards your daughter. You've ignored them all, your not alone many women do, they minimize, desperate for their kids not to grow up in a broken home. Etc... it happens, but the cold harsh reality is you've asked on here and the many women who have direct experience of what your saying is telling you you need to leave asap.
I'm not sure what more support you want from posters here. What does it take for you to recognize this situation as being unacceptable? What it probably takes is many women all telling you the same thing, get rid you deserve better, but also that you need to act quick because it could become a dangerous situation for you and your DD.

You may not realise it yet OP but you actually ARE getting support. You have women telling you over and again that your DP’s behaviour is abusive to you and your oldest daughter and you need to ask him to leave right now. Your posts have not yet acknowledged that it’s true so people are repeating it over and over again (sometimes in a brutal way) and I genuinely think that’s a level of honesty you are not getting from your brother or other people on your life. You do not owe anybody an explanation but you also cannot expect people on MN to tell you what you want to hear when your 7 yr old is on danger.

@Valkyrie87 - I'm sorry that you feel that you are not getting support. However, sometimes there are situations where spelling out the harsh truth is truly the best and most effective support you can get.

This man is abusing you and your older daughter.
He abused his previous partner.
He is DANGEROUS !!

There really is no other solution than for you to leave him. You said the flat is in your name? So why are you not getting rid of him?

Please, please protect your daughters!

The flat is in your name, does he pay anything towards bills, if he has no right to live there police can escort him out if you are worried he will get violent when you tell him to leave.