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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need clarity from you all as I think I’m losing it…..

92 replies

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 07:52

I’ve posted on here the last few nights regarding my relationship with my 9 week old baby’s dad and my 7 year old daughter…..I’ll copy and paste what I’ve put and an update what happened last night and this morning….my head is fried

OP posts:
supercali77 · 07/03/2023 08:23

Theres no confusion here. Abusers are often sentimental/soppy in my experience. They'll cry and show vulnerability. They'll apologise. They'll be overjoyed when the baby's due and then a bastard when real life happens. Loads of advice above. It's only your name on the lease. Get this man out of your daughters life. Shes doesn't need to see this.

Isthisexpected · 07/03/2023 08:26

Your daughter needs him gone more than you need man. You can do it

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 08:28

You need to get yourself and your children away from him, because he is going to hurt you.

He is already doing a number on your seven year old. You need to get him out for her sake, if you can't do it for yourself.

Womens' Aid have a live chat service here's a link They will go through things with you and help you make a plan to move forward in the safest way.

The police told you that if you need them they will be round, they know who he is and they will believe you. This is not your fault, but you do have to act, you're a mum and you need to protect them from him.

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:29

Oh it’s definitely not the case of needing a man - as I’m more than happy on my own, never been like that - maybe more that I’ve been trying to hold on for the sake of the baby as she’s soo young - but I do know in my heart what needs to be done 🙂 I just wanted clarification from others that I’m not “being over the top” as I get told

OP posts:
WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 07/03/2023 08:30

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:04

i rent the flat just my name on the lease x

Tell him to leave.

MeinKraft · 07/03/2023 08:32

I grew up in a home like this. I am not exaggerating when I say this abuse will have a lasting effect on your child, and on you. As in for the rest of your life,and the longer you let it go on for the worse the effect will be. By effects I mean PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse, getting into further abusive relationships, and more. And that's just the long term effects.

Short term, the violence will get worse and worse until he potentially kills you, or your daughter, or your baby, or all of you. So there might not even be a long term.

The only person who can protect your children from this violent man is you. But you can get help. Women's aid have a live chat and they will give you advice on how to get him out: chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Please don't give him another chance. Don't wait for him to get better. Don't tell yourself he's got post natal depression. The next time will be worse.

isthismylifenow · 07/03/2023 08:34

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:29

Oh it’s definitely not the case of needing a man - as I’m more than happy on my own, never been like that - maybe more that I’ve been trying to hold on for the sake of the baby as she’s soo young - but I do know in my heart what needs to be done 🙂 I just wanted clarification from others that I’m not “being over the top” as I get told

I am glad to see you started your own thread.

It is ok to try to justify things to yourself by getting opinions from others. I hope now this gives you the push to do what is right for you. And your daughter and baby.

Lavender14 · 07/03/2023 08:37

Ring the police and report him. He's abusing you and it's a criminal offence. I'd have his bags packed and waiting outside for him coming home from work and the police there to keep the peace. Do you have much support from your family? I know you say he's charmed them but have you told them the truth about what happened at home when they aren't there and would they support you? Id ring women's aid for support too. They'll help you make a plan moving forward.

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:39

I have told my brother, not my other brother though, I’m very close with them but I have to admit been let down cos all I get from my brother is stay with him for my [name redacted] 9 week baby which doesn’t help

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2023 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notthisagainforest · 07/03/2023 08:39

Get out for the sake of the kids

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 08:44

Get this guy out of your home asap. How dare he treat your 7yr old daughter like that?

WitchDancer · 07/03/2023 08:45

He has been violent to his ex and now is being violent to you. Please get him out before he kills you.

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:46

Also, last night when he got in from work, he said to me I’ve booked such and such place for Mother’s Day for you - so I said nearly the time can I let you know if I fancy it - so he kicks off saying I’m ungrateful
its mainly cos my mum passed away 3 years ago this June and Mother’s Day is hard so I tend not to do anything….plus now with him acting the way he does I don’t want to go with him.
then I get my picture frame from the cupboard as i want to put a picture of my eldest, the baby and them both together it, so I’m looking through pictures to put in there so he goes “it’s really nice you don’t want me in there, I know what you’re doing” so I said I’m not in there tho? It’s just a 3 picture frame, just wanted the girls - he goes no it’s not!! It’s so when we break up you don’t have to see it - I said no it’s cos I want the girls in it, I’m not in it.
he then goes I’m gonna go out to shop so he goes out - comes back a few mins later with some Ferraro rocher places them on sofa and goes in bedroom for the night, I don’t see him until this morning. He goes to work and I noticed the chocolates have gone as I was going to open them when my friend comes round in a bit - I txt him asking did you take the chocolate? He says yeah didn’t think you wanted them, so I said why? He says cos you didn’t open them, so I said “ I didn’t fancy them last night but I do today, didn’t realise I had to eat them all in one night” - wth is that!! He said I’ll take them back tonight then, so I said no it’s ok don’t worry, share them at work 🤯

OP posts:
Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:48

Umm, excuse me, I don’t need to read comments like this…I came on here for help as I’m rock bottom, you’re certainly not helping the matter - never join the Samaritans

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2023 08:49

You’re now ignoring all practical advice. Wake up lady.

why did you post here?

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:50

I’m not ignoring anything? I’m venting to help myself, which I thought this was for?

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 07/03/2023 08:52

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:13

He keeps saying I didn’t mean to intentionally hurt you your hair got caught up on the scuffle I’d never hurt you etc

Even if this is true there shouldn't have been a physical scuffle for you to be harmed in.

The hair wasn't the point of no return, the foaming at the mouth screaming was.

Emotional abuse, manipulation, name calling etc are all still abuse. Don't wait for it to become physical bc by then you're far closer to being harmed or killed by this man.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2023 08:59

So you 'venting' makes it OK for him to have treated your 7-year old daughter like this? Why isn't he out of the door already?

What re you expecting to change? Next time he might physically hurt her.

By not doing anything about it, you are now implicit in the abuse of your daughter. You are allowing it.

DO SOMETHING.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 09:13

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:39

I have told my brother, not my other brother though, I’m very close with them but I have to admit been let down cos all I get from my brother is stay with him for my [name redacted] 9 week baby which doesn’t help

Anyone who tells you to stay with an abusive man has not got the first clue what they're talking about.

It's fine to vent, but you need to protect your children, especially your older one, from this situation.

This isn't about Fererro Rocher, or photo frames, it's him controlling you with a range of abusive behaviour. You working out why, isn't going to make it stop.

Get some professional advice from Womens Aid, the live chat service is really easy to use, make this the day you do something about it.

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/03/2023 09:14

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:50

I’m not ignoring anything? I’m venting to help myself, which I thought this was for?

Venting only goes so far. People will get impatient if you are only venting with no indication you're actually going to do anything about it. You've listed a whole lot of awful abusive things he's done - are you going to change your situation or just use this space to keep telling us how bad he is?

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 09:14

I will also say that if you've used your real names here, it might be an idea to remove the post and start a new one, you've mentioned both yours and the babies x

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/03/2023 09:15

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 08:39

I have told my brother, not my other brother though, I’m very close with them but I have to admit been let down cos all I get from my brother is stay with him for my [name redacted] 9 week baby which doesn’t help

People don't stay with abusers for the sake of their children, they leave abusers for the sake of their children.

supercali77 · 07/03/2023 09:16

The problem people are seeing op is you've come on and described a situation where you absolutely NEED to get him out of the house because he's been physical and he's had police involvement due to an ex and you have 2 young children. And then you're describing a small situation about chocolate, so it seems like you really aren't getting the picture. This isnt about having a vent, it's about actually leaving or getting him out.Noone here is going to accept venting in this situation without a view to actually leaving. The rest is just dressing.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 09:16

OP doesn't owe anyone a plan of action or an AHA! moment. If your advice hasn't been leaped upon by her and she's not straight up to the police station, that's ok.

It's not helpful to badger someone in this situation for a response that you feel is appropriate.