Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need clarity from you all as I think I’m losing it…..

92 replies

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 07:52

I’ve posted on here the last few nights regarding my relationship with my 9 week old baby’s dad and my 7 year old daughter…..I’ll copy and paste what I’ve put and an update what happened last night and this morning….my head is fried

OP posts:
crummyusername · 07/03/2023 09:23

Many abusive men are charming to the outside world. My ex was. It messes with your head but the abuse is real. If you can, find someone in RL and tell them what you’ve told mumsnet. I found I needed some validation that he really was abusive even though it was blindingly obvious. I’m free of my ex now and in a wonderful, supportive, kind, warm relationship and it’s life changing. But I stuck with my ex 15 years - don’t be me and waste all that time x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2023 11:19

@GoldDuster Her daughter is being abused. And she is letting it happen.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 11:22

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2023 11:19

@GoldDuster Her daughter is being abused. And she is letting it happen.

Yes, I can also read that in her posts. I'm sure you've got loads of experience in this field, but I don't feel strangers getting frustrated with her and demanding action, isn't really going to help. It's not how it works.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 11:26

Presumably people in desperate situations are posting for support, not a bollocking. They know they're in the shit, and reprimands don't help a fragile state of mind.

SavBlancTonight · 07/03/2023 11:40

Obviously, online armchair diagnosis isn't always helpful but it sounds like pretty classic abusive narcissistic behaviour. The charging friends and family so that you look like the crazy one is a classic.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter that he didn't "mean" to hurt you. The point is that he did. Dh once accidentally hurt me - he flicked a tea towel at me in that annoying juvenile jokey way boys/men do to each other. It hit me on my thigh and it was really sore - I had a red welt. I was furious. He was mortified, apologised profusely and has never ever attempted to play such silly games again. He did not attempt to minimise it.

The point though is that your P isn't interested in what you think or feel. he wanted your phone so he thinks he had the right to get it. But he's been violent to another woman, the police have told you they'll support you and you're seeing early signs of physical abuse (even without all the emotional abuse. And I'll put money on you paying all the bills for this flat that is in your name and that he lives in so probably financial abuse too).

Please try hard to think about what is best for you and your daughters and get rid of this man. I know it's not as simple as posting on the internet and then 24 hours later actioning it, but please please keep talking and thinking about it becuase the sooner you do leave, the better.

TiredButDancing · 07/03/2023 11:43

No one particularly liked BIL but he did successfully convince everyone, including SIL's family, that SHE was the abusive one for a very long time. I don't really understand how these people manage it but part of it is that they convince the woman they're with that she is the problem. This is what this man is doing to you - he's making you question perfectly normal and valid responses from you and making you think that he is the victim. He's not.

I'm sorry your family are not being supportive. I know that makes it a LOT harder. SIL only finally realised she could leave him when PIL started to express their concerns. Before that, she was buying all the BS that SHE was the problem.

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/03/2023 12:45

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 07:56

I’m constantly pussy footing around so he doesn’t fly off the handle, we can’t live like this ☹️ he keeps being rude about my 7 year old daughter too and saying she’s mental etc, this was a new low but even said to her tonight in his rage after the other scuffle he had “you should hear what mummy says about you” - as she came out of her room after hearing us 😞 so she says what did you say about me mummy - I said you know what I said earlier that you been a pickle earlier but that was it darling” so I put her back to bed and when I came out I said wow fancy saying that to an innocent 7 year old - I can’t believe it 😞

You need to get this monster away from your daughter. If you are not prepared to do this can she go live with her father? The damage you will cause to this innocent child if you stay will be awful. I dont even know how you look at him. I would KILL for my child and I would destroy a grown adult who bullied MY child. Yet you had a baby with him?!
The choice to stay is yours, you will have to learn to deal with whatever he throws your way. Your child did not make this choice, she should not have to live with this. Makes me fucking furious.

isthismylifenow · 07/03/2023 12:46

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/03/2023 09:14

Venting only goes so far. People will get impatient if you are only venting with no indication you're actually going to do anything about it. You've listed a whole lot of awful abusive things he's done - are you going to change your situation or just use this space to keep telling us how bad he is?

Show quote history

What does it matter if posters get impatient. This is bizarre thinking.

OP posted to get things off her chest that she thinks are not quite right. Sometimes people just need assurances that their thinking isn't skewed. She doesn't have to have a plan in action in place a few hours after making a post so just posters on the thread are not kept waiting. This is her life.

Remember that a lot of the time, when you are in a situation, it is very difficult to see and think clearly about how to move forward.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 13:04

Your fury and impatience doesn't trump the OP's distress, it's really unhelpful and shows zero understanding of the dynamic.

If you knew the first thing about abusive relationships you would know that unleashing your own fury and frustration at them is not helping.

Mabelface · 07/03/2023 13:06

Not much more to say really apart from you know what you need to do before you and the children get hurt, physically or mentally.

Calmdown14 · 07/03/2023 13:16

@Valkyrie87 it feels like you need this to meet some kind of threshold of abuse to justify the decision to leave him with a baby so young.

The simple question is 'does he make you happy '? The life you describe of walking on eggshells doesn't sound that way.
He doesn't have to be abusive for you to say 'this isn't working ' (he is and you should report it to the police for a Claire's law search if nothing else).

Your baby being young is an advantage. They won't know any different.

You can't live like this for another 18 years so just get it done with before it gets worse.

2022again · 07/03/2023 13:19

I had a work colleague who’s partner ended up killing their baby….this is what this sort of situation can lead to. Please seek help as losing a child because of violence is devastating and you will never forgive yourself.

undostre · 07/03/2023 13:24

Why are you talking about Ferrero Rocher when this man is openly abusing your child???

Engage with the avenues of help and support there are out there, Women's Aid, for example. Your daughter is powerless in this situation, you are not.

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 13:30

Jesus Christ 😳😳

OP posts:
purpleboy · 07/03/2023 13:55

This man is abusing you and your daughter.

A man should never speak to a child the way he did, it's not acceptable, if it was me he would be out of the door the second he uttered those words.
You deserve better than this but more importantly your DD deserves better than this. It's your duty to protect her and I've no doubt you will do that, but that does mean getting rid of this abusive asshole. Flowers

monsteramunch · 07/03/2023 13:56

Gently OP, do you understand that your daughter is being abused?

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:42

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy how on Earth am I letting it happen?!?! this was the first time sunday night!

Absolute disgrace accusing me of letting this happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:44

@undostre I’m mentioning everything that’s happened since Sunday night, of course I don’t give a flying s* about Ferraro rocher, what on Earth is going on here!? Feel like I’m getting it from home now and here

OP posts:
Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:45

@2022again he’s besotted by his daughter and is an amazing dad to her - however is showing signs he is jealous of mine

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 07/03/2023 14:47

turns out his ex reported him for hurting her and they been trying to get him for 2 months so they finally caught up with him

You don't say!!

What a surprise.

Get the fuck rod if him. Get Women's Aid and the police onboard to get him out.

You've had your 2nd child with an abuser ..... It's affecting your first child too. Hopefully he'll fuck off to the next woman and won't push for access.

TicketBoo23 · 07/03/2023 14:47

Rid, obviously

2bazookas · 07/03/2023 14:47

monsteramunch · 07/03/2023 13:56

Gently OP, do you understand that your daughter is being abused?

I think she's still in mind fog from birth, stress and being blindsided by BF.

OP; your BF has a history of assault. The photo incident and the cruel words to DD illustrate his jealousy, resentment and cruelty towards her. He abused your child to hurt and damage both of YOU. It worked, so he will do it again.

She is not his child which puts her at heightened risk of him targeting her to punish and hurt YOU. And as his ex and now you know. he is a violent man with no inhibitions about cruelty and harm to a weaker person.

He is losing the place; escalating threat, out of control. Your daughter is the nearest weakest target and he hates her.

She could be in real physical danger; if he attacks he might kill her.

monsteramunch · 07/03/2023 14:53

Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:45

@2022again he’s besotted by his daughter and is an amazing dad to her - however is showing signs he is jealous of mine

To be honest in a way it's worse that he's 'only' being cruel and abusive to one child.

It shows he can control it when he wants to and means that your poor older daughter is being shown by him, and you by you staying, that she is not as important or valued as her sister. That she doesn't deserve to be treated with as much love and respect and kindness as her sister.

Imagine how it feels for her. Second class citizen in her own home. So much change so quickly in her little life and suddenly she's being shown in no uncertain terms that mummy's boyfriend isn't a safe, kind, loving person but is a bully,

People are frustrated not because they are horrible but because you've relayed that your child is being abused. Which she is. Of course people are going to find that upsetting, depressing and unacceptable.

Channel the anger / disbelief you are expressing towards posters on here into focusing on changing your situation.

Don't sacrifice your older daughter's wellbeing for your younger daughter simply being able to say her mum and dad are still together.

Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:54

@TicketBoo23 yes it is obvious. he showed signs of this Sunday night towards her and hasn’t seen her yet since…before Sunday he’s been amazing to her and she’s happy
i think everyone’s getting confused that this is ongoing for us, it happened 4 weeks ago with me and I tried to forget it, then I wrote on here Sunday night after the first incident with my daughter so I can talk to someone about it as I was upset….. other than a few people and some direct messages with genuine care, the attitude from some messages is baffling

OP posts:
Original poster
Valkyrie87 · 07/03/2023 14:55

@monsteramunch im not lovely

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread