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Original poster

I don't think my boyfriend fancies me/finds me sexually attractive

59 replies

WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 06:57

Just that. I have no doubt that he loves me and enjoys spending time with me but I don't think he is particularly sexually attracted to me.

I've tried speaking to him about it a couple of times and he denies it saying that he does, he loves me and I'm everything he's ever wanted.

But I just don't believe him.

The most recent example is last night. We had a busy weekend and both had early starts this morning and decided we'd have an early night last night saying we'd go to bed at 10. We decided during the day to have an 'early night 😉' and go to bed at 9.

I went up at 9 and he went for a shower before bed. He was in the shower for ages. Far longer than he normally is. He then came up and was completely disinterested in anything. He got his phone put and checked fb, checked the football scores and started playing scrabble. An hour and a half later, he said he was going to sleep now, kissed, told me he loved me and rolled over with his back to me.

We had sex on Friday night and sunday morning and he didn't finish either time. I assume he had a wank in the shower and that's why it took him so long.

This morning, he's been very quiet with me. Something wasn't quite right. He gave me a kiss left for work and said he'd seen Wednesday but there was something 'missing'.

I just don't hink I'm enough for him but talking to him clearly isn't working because he just offers reassurances 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 06:58

We don't live together but we spend a couple of evenings a week together and all weekend. We've talked about moving in together. He knows I'm not ready and is happy to go ony timescales but it just doesn't feel right.

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Chowtime · 06/03/2023 07:07

How old are you both?

Is it possible he really just wants to find a women to move in with and have all the domestic comforts provided for him?

Who brought up the subject of living together and what are your living arrangements at the moment?

C1N1C · 06/03/2023 07:17

From what you've said it could be anything and anything people say from now on is just speculation...

-Shower wank/ porn addict?
-Cheating and messaging while in shower
-Not physically attracted to you
-Stressed and not in the mood
-Asexual
-Closet gay
-Into niche stuff that you're not providing and regular stuff isn't working for him (does he want to try stuff you're refusing?)

Could be anything... just say to him he doesn't seem particularly interested in sex, is everything OK, is there anything he wants to try, is sex really his thing etc and see what he says...

Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 07:29

OK. I'm 48 and he's 59.

He left his phone charging in the bedroom withe so not messaging or watching porn. We spend a fair bit of time together so unless he's sitting watching it on the sofa next to me, it's not that. At least not excessively. I don't know what he does when he's at home obviously.

He is very attentive to me but sometimes he loses his erection so, by the time I'm finished, thers nothing for him anyway. On Friday might, I moved to touch him and he pushed my hand away to fpcus on me. He's asked me to dress up a couple of times and I'm not comfortable with that. He hasn't pushed it or even mentioned it again but I do think that is partly to do with it.

He does most of the domestic stuff when he's at mine or we do it equally. He's far more competent than I am at keeping house so he's nor looking for someone to provide that but I do wonder if he just doesn't want to be alone.

He says he was in love with me for a couple of years before we got together. I just think that the reality of me doesn't live up to how he imagined it would be.

It does matter because he obviously still has sexual urges and interests but if they're not related to me then what is the point. I don't want a sexless relationship or, worse, a one sides sexual relationship.

He's very kind and loving, very supportive and spent 3 hours in my garden yesterday working.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 06/03/2023 07:33

My understanding is that lots of guys of his age have this sort of issue, it could well be that.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:33

I'm 48 and he's 59

Why do many women end up going with significantly older men.
He's almost 60, it's common for men to increasingly suffer ED from 40s onward. If you want an active sex life (which it sounds like you do from the regularity of the sex (or attempted sex), you'd be better with a man closer to your own age.

He's over a decade older than you.

Any common problems men have from middle age are going to affect you more

yesterdayisgone · 06/03/2023 07:34

He’s 59 , it’s not surprising that he loses his erection at times
why don’t you look for lingerie that you like , if you’re not comfortable in bra and suspenders try a babydoll set , it could spice things up ? Especially as he asked you to dress up .

Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 07:34

I'm not bothered if it's an age thing but I specifically think it's becaise he doesn't find me sexually attractive.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:37

*sometimes he loses his erection so, by the time I'm finished

On Friday might, I moved to touch him and he pushed my hand away to fpcus on me.

We had sex on Friday night and sunday morning and he didn't finish either time*

He's evidently having issues and that's no doubt the reason he opted out of sex on the night you're talking about too. You seem to expect quite a lot of sex. There's nothing wrong with that but if it's important to you, may e a nearly 60 yr old isn't the right partner for you

You know it's perfectly possible he's so nice and is doing all the work to "compensate", right.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:39

WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 07:34

I'm not bothered if it's an age thing but I specifically think it's becaise he doesn't find me sexually attractive.

I don't get that impression from what you've written.

I think hes very aware of not getting & keeping erections and of not finishing. He probably feels under pressure.

The dressing up thing is likely to be him trying to add something extra/special in an attempt to ramp up his sex drive or try to maintain erections/last.

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/03/2023 07:42

I'm 48 and he's 59.

men’s testosterone levels are highest In mornings and drop during the day, this increases with age, try morning or afternoon sex instead

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:44

He doesn't sound like a good fit for you (no pun intended).

The niceness and favours around the house etc are something that ends up being used as a "but he's so good to me, I shouldn't end the relationship" factor; but they may well be a subconscious move on his part to compensate and have that very effect (not in a really manipulative way, just the way people do naturally).

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:48

He says he was in love with me for a couple of years before we got together. I just think that the reality of me doesn't live up to how he imagined it would be.

It honestly sounds to me like he just had ED problems. Not to do with you.

RNLD1981 · 06/03/2023 07:48

I think you need to talk to him. There's o point speculating about porn/asexuality/other woman etc until you've asked him

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:49

*has

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 07:53

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Are you really telling op that settling for a relationship, where one person doesn't fancy the other and is potentially sexless and passionless, is fine? What terrible advice.

itsabigtree · 06/03/2023 07:55

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Sexual connection is very important to a lot of people.

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 07:58

DelphiniumBlue · 06/03/2023 07:33

My understanding is that lots of guys of his age have this sort of issue, it could well be that.

Yes, but he needs to be honest with the op and willing to work with what they've got. Not leave the op feeling unattractive and unwanted. It could be made so much better with an honest conversation.

Hoolihan · 06/03/2023 08:04

OP I actually feel you've been a bit bull in a china shop here - from what you've written the issue is very obviously ED and he's probably feeling massively under pressure to 'perform'. Yes he should be able to talk about it openly but he's probably mortified.

MeinKraft · 06/03/2023 08:05

You sound very insecure and unwilling to accept his assurances, with a fairly high sex drive. He sounds like he has low sex drive and ED and wants a companion really. I think you're both looking for different things from a relationship and you're right to consider ending things before moving in together, unless you're both willing to put the work in, he sees a doctor about ED and you work on your self esteem. Your sex drives may never match though and only you can decide if that's something you can live with.

Jujuj · 06/03/2023 08:07

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Disagree - if it’s important to the OP.

gannett · 06/03/2023 08:13

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 07:58

Yes, but he needs to be honest with the op and willing to work with what they've got. Not leave the op feeling unattractive and unwanted. It could be made so much better with an honest conversation.

Show quote history

Agree that an honest conversation is the most important thing but from his POV he's done everything he can to reassure the OP that she's not unattractive or unwanted. The OP has leapt to "he doesn't find me attractive", bypassing the myriad other factors at play - is it that surprising that a 59yo isn't as reliable a performer in bed as a younger man? For this to be worked out, the OP really has to stop taking this issue personally. It may be that their sex drives just aren't compatible but a 59yo losing his erection and consequently not being up for this much sex is not about her, really.

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 08:14

knittingaddict · 06/03/2023 07:53

Are you really telling op that settling for a relationship, where one person doesn't fancy the other and is potentially sexless and passionless, is fine? What terrible advice.

Show quote history

Calm down!
I haven’t told op to do anything.
I literally asked, didn’t tell her to do anything.
So your comment is terrible and useless.
Not everyone cares about ’passion’ or whatever.
But a lovely and what sounds like a helpfull and useful man who isin’t obsessed with looks and sex sounds amazing to me.
If it’s not for op, then she should move on.

C1N1C · 06/03/2023 08:16

After the updates I'd agree that it's probably an age and ego thing.

It's a catch-22 for some guys as they want sex, but know they might not be able to perform. When they don't perform, they then stress that you haven't enjoyed it and now want it less. It then puts pressure on them during sex to perform, and the anxiety makes it even less likely they'll be able to. I've been there!

Are there elements of sex that he enjoys more? Oral over penetration etc? If you both want it, and you're willing to put the work in, might be worth making it more about him for a while to get his excitement for sex heightened. I don't think he can help his ED, so helping him out might be the way to go until he's back in fighting form... I just see it as worth a try :).

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