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Original poster

I don't think my boyfriend fancies me/finds me sexually attractive

59 replies

WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 06:57

Just that. I have no doubt that he loves me and enjoys spending time with me but I don't think he is particularly sexually attracted to me.

I've tried speaking to him about it a couple of times and he denies it saying that he does, he loves me and I'm everything he's ever wanted.

But I just don't believe him.

The most recent example is last night. We had a busy weekend and both had early starts this morning and decided we'd have an early night last night saying we'd go to bed at 10. We decided during the day to have an 'early night 😉' and go to bed at 9.

I went up at 9 and he went for a shower before bed. He was in the shower for ages. Far longer than he normally is. He then came up and was completely disinterested in anything. He got his phone put and checked fb, checked the football scores and started playing scrabble. An hour and a half later, he said he was going to sleep now, kissed, told me he loved me and rolled over with his back to me.

We had sex on Friday night and sunday morning and he didn't finish either time. I assume he had a wank in the shower and that's why it took him so long.

This morning, he's been very quiet with me. Something wasn't quite right. He gave me a kiss left for work and said he'd seen Wednesday but there was something 'missing'.

I just don't hink I'm enough for him but talking to him clearly isn't working because he just offers reassurances 😕

OP posts:
coconutshy1 · 06/03/2023 08:17

Have your looks changed since you got together? Why have you jumped to assumption that it's about your looks than any other reason like his age?

LemonPeonies · 06/03/2023 08:25

He has erectile problems and it's not your issue to fix. He needs to go to his GP.

cigarettesNalcohol · 06/03/2023 08:49

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Disagree. OP senses something is off here and she needs to trust her gut. Relationships are certainly not all about sex but when something is wrong in the sexual/intimate department, it can have a huge impact on the rest of the relationship. The fact that her boyfriend didn't finish during sex is a bit weird, as usually most men struggle not to finish during intercourse.

Ime, if sexually there is something that doesn't feel right; and if you have tried to talk to your partner about it but nothing changes, then it's best to not pursue the relationship any further. It will only end up destroying your self esteem and confidence.

Everycloud23 · 06/03/2023 08:53

When you said he was 59, it was obvious what the problem is. His age plus he is quite bit older than you.

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/03/2023 08:55

sometimes he loses his erection so, by the time I'm finished

Take a look at cock rings, they can help

Xrays · 06/03/2023 08:58

He sounds like he has some erectile issues but honestly if he’s nearly 60 and spent 3 hours working in the garden yesterday he’s probably just shattered! I’m the same age as you op and my dh is 36. I can’t imagine being with someone nearly 60. I guess we’re all different but I do think when we’re 45 plus that’s when older age gaps really start to show.

Naunet · 06/03/2023 09:00

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Yes because women don’t want sex really do they? We don’t have our own desires and sexuality, we just do it to keep men happy 🙄

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/03/2023 09:10

cigarettesNalcohol · 06/03/2023 08:49

Disagree. OP senses something is off here and she needs to trust her gut. Relationships are certainly not all about sex but when something is wrong in the sexual/intimate department, it can have a huge impact on the rest of the relationship. The fact that her boyfriend didn't finish during sex is a bit weird, as usually most men struggle not to finish during intercourse.

Ime, if sexually there is something that doesn't feel right; and if you have tried to talk to your partner about it but nothing changes, then it's best to not pursue the relationship any further. It will only end up destroying your self esteem and confidence.

Show quote history

The fact that her boyfriend didn't finish during sex is a bit weird, as usually most men struggle not to finish during intercourse.

it not weird in the slightest, it’s quite common for older men to struggle with both erections and being able to finish.Older men and sex

draftangle · 06/03/2023 09:21

I don't think he can help his ED,

My husband is slightly older and suffers from ED. It did hit his confidence initially in the ways that somebody else has described. However, ED is easily overcome with medication. His sex drive is no different to when he was in his twenties. High!

journeyofsanity · 06/03/2023 09:34

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

Sex is a very important aspect of many people's relationships. It also depends on age. If in your 30s you are struggling with lack of physical intimacy, there is a problem

journeyofsanity · 06/03/2023 09:36

How long has he been like this OP. If its relatively recent there is. Good chance it's age related

gkhg · 06/03/2023 10:56

YouAreNotBatman · 06/03/2023 07:06

But if you know he loves you and you have hood relationship, does it matter?
That’s more important and deeper than some looks/sex…

It definitely matters. It matters to the OP- as she's told us

neilyoungismyhero · 06/03/2023 11:11

Has he thought of viagra?

MeinKraft · 06/03/2023 12:51

'The fact that her boyfriend didn't finish during sex is a bit weird, as usually most men struggle not to finish during intercourse.'

Maybe when they're 19! Inability to climax and erectile dysfunction are really common problems.

Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 12:58

Thanks for the replies.

We've been together for around 18 months. He said at the beginning that it might be an issue and that it was nothing to do with me, and it did happen occasionally, but it seems to have increased.

I think I feel uncomfortable because I think he prioritises me to overcompensate but then I just feel a bit weird about that. It makes me feel ad though I'm being selfish.

If its just age related ED, I can live with that. Work around it and adjust expectations on all sides. I often (but not always) wait for him to initiate sex because I don't want him to feel pressured. And he initiates it a lot but I think he's doing it for my benefit and not because he wants to.

I love him. Its not a dealbreaker but I don't want it to feel so one sided. It just makes me feel bit shit tbh.

But it would be very different if he just wasn't sexually attracted enough to me. Or if I just didn't do it for him. Or he was unable to perform because he was sorting himself out in preference to being with me. That would be a dealbreaker

OP posts:
Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:00

neilyoungismyhero · 06/03/2023 11:11

Has he thought of viagra?

He mentioned it once and said he was going to order some but I didn't ask if he had or anything else because I figured it was private and I didn't want to put extra pressure on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:02

coconutshy1 · 06/03/2023 08:17

Have your looks changed since you got together? Why have you jumped to assumption that it's about your looks than any other reason like his age?

No, my looks haven't changed. I just worry that, because of the way he said he'd felt about me for so long, the reality of me doesn't live up to the expectation 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:03

Xrays · 06/03/2023 08:58

He sounds like he has some erectile issues but honestly if he’s nearly 60 and spent 3 hours working in the garden yesterday he’s probably just shattered! I’m the same age as you op and my dh is 36. I can’t imagine being with someone nearly 60. I guess we’re all different but I do think when we’re 45 plus that’s when older age gaps really start to show.

He's very youthful in every other expect. The age difference isn't really an issue otherwise. Wee actually really well matched and suited to each other.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/03/2023 13:04

Once again, the woman here absolutely determined to take all the blame / responsibility for an issue.

id bet my house it’s ED op. Talk to him. It’s so easy to get this sorted now.

Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:04

NoDatingForOldMen · 06/03/2023 08:55

sometimes he loses his erection so, by the time I'm finished

Take a look at cock rings, they can help

Thanks. I might look into that...

OP posts:
Original poster
WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:07

yesterdayisgone · 06/03/2023 07:34

He’s 59 , it’s not surprising that he loses his erection at times
why don’t you look for lingerie that you like , if you’re not comfortable in bra and suspenders try a babydoll set , it could spice things up ? Especially as he asked you to dress up .

I'd look ridiculous. The thought of it leaves me cold tbh.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 06/03/2023 13:20

WetTowelsOnTheFloor · 06/03/2023 13:00

He mentioned it once and said he was going to order some but I didn't ask if he had or anything else because I figured it was private and I didn't want to put extra pressure on.

Show quote history

There are ads all over the place now for viagra, TV, radio, online etc.
next time you see an ad and you are together just politely enquire if he he ever did get any

BitOutOfPractice · 06/03/2023 13:22

Private? Blimey I’d say that this is very much something you need to discuss.

Andypandy799 · 06/03/2023 13:53

@WetTowelsOnTheFloor if he often initiates sex and focuses on you I don’t think he doesn’t find you attractive. More likely he is worried about losing his erection during piv

Mrsvyvyan · 06/03/2023 18:31

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 07:33

I'm 48 and he's 59

Why do many women end up going with significantly older men.
He's almost 60, it's common for men to increasingly suffer ED from 40s onward. If you want an active sex life (which it sounds like you do from the regularity of the sex (or attempted sex), you'd be better with a man closer to your own age.

He's over a decade older than you.

Any common problems men have from middle age are going to affect you more

Well that’s not a massive age gap.