Did I do something wrong?

[Mommycool24]

We have a corner sofa, tonight my partner was sitting in the corner of it for about 30 mins. He got up from that certain spot and went and got a packet of crisps, ate them in the kitchen, then went outside and had a smoke and sat out there for about 30 mins on his phone. I ordered us food that HE ASKED for, I was just peckish and would have settled for abit of toast but he wanted it so I bought it to him for a treat, the food came while he was outside I brought it in, opened up the pizza etc, got out forks etc and made my way over to the sofa and sat in the corner of the sofa (where he was previously sitting at least half an hour prior) he came in and he went absolutely mad because I was sitting there and said that I'm doing it to be a dickhead towards him and and started calling me names and really shouting at me, he then said I'm a wanker because I didn't get up and move to a different part whenever he pointed it out to me. He then told me to stick my takeaway up my arse and said fuck you and took himself off to bed. I'm still processing here what happened as I sit alone downstairs eating on my own. If I'm wrong I'll completely hold my hands up, what's your opinion?

What a twat. Please please please dump him

This is so far away from normal and ok - I can't imagine how stressful it must be to be such a verbal punching ball and absolutely it is abuse. I know it must seem impossible to sort the situation out especially if you have kids but in the words of mumsnet lore get your ducks in line - if you can afford some legal advice get it, get documents copied and saved etc. He's very unlikely to change and you deserve more than walking on eggshells and being called horrible names. x

I have said to him last week to try and go one day without calling me a name, he hasn't reached a day yet

His behaviour isn't good for you, but your behaviour is worse for you.

Were you raised in an environment where you were having to put up with someone's poor behaviour? Perhaps an addicted or abusive parent? A wild sibling?

I also agree that going silent is an abusive wankers trick too to get you stewing about what you might have done. At least when he's silent he's not calling you any names - enjoy the peace and quiet.

Forget what you need, protect your children, because whilst you stay with this man you are definitely putting them first. You can do this

Definitely not putting then first

@Valkyrie87 please understand what he said to your 7 year old DD is mental and emotional abuse.
Let me rephrase that clearer - it’s child abuse. You need to ask yourself - are you prepared to let a man continue to abuse your daughter…….

*I have said to him last week to try and go one day without calling me a
name, he hasn't reached a day yet. I said that tonight and he rolled his
eyes at me and told me to give over. I said the way he was behaving was
abuse and he told me to shut up and stop talking crap. *

I was reading a paper about very abusive men and one thing when they were in group therapy (after they had been procecuted), they made them do was address their partners when they were talking about them.
Many refused to do this, some replaced her name with something like cunt or bitch.

Even men who did not call their wives derogative names had trouble saying their wives names. They also found many emotionally abused wives found that their husband very rarely called them by their name, they would rather find them and then speak to them. Some women could only recall their husbands saying their name on only a couple of occasions over many years and didn't recognise it was a form of dehimanising them, your name is very important.

Some men use pet names instead of an actual name for instance, babe/honey, this replaces the names with something confirming of love but when men replace your name with an abusive name, it's very abusive.

A name is very important, it is you, it is what makes you you, and when they either do not say your name or replace it with an insult it is very much how they view you, as sub human.

**

Address their partners by their name

After your last post, I'd say he's definitely had a fight of some sort with the other woman while he was outside smoking. He then came in angry, saw you and of course then blamed your mere existence on why he was feeling that way.

He should be gone just for the way he speaks to your daughter. The way he acted that night should have just been the confirmation of that fact.

Tell him if he comes back you will be calling the Police to have him removed, as it is no longer his residence.

@thecatsmeows

I think you're getting op's posts mixed up with @Valkyrie87 's.

What’s wrong here is the fact you have to ask if you were in the wrong.

The man is an abusive arshole!

sorry @Mommycool24 for using your convo to talk about mine, I’m very new to this and wasn’t sure how to start one after x

@Mommycool24 he is abusive and he will not change, I assure you of that. My husband has spoke to me in a very similar way (swearing at me, calling me a dickhead etc, often in front or through kids). There's also been times he's smashed things up in temper. It doesn't get better, it will escalate and get worse. I made excuses for years for him 'he doesn't hit me' 'he doesn't mean it he's just stressed' 'he's nice sometimes'. Nope. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I wish I'd left years ago. I'm finally in the process of leaving him, my kids are in their early teens now and I'm terrified I've messed them up for life by leaving it this long. Don't be me. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself right now 💐

@Valkyrie87 same to you. Honestly your messages gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach. He's already been physical with you, it'll get worse. Please get out. Please start your own thread if you haven't already, there is lots of support here x

No dont be apologising, I'm glad you've jumped on and are getting some advice from everyone. Don't be worrying yourself.xx

Of course he will be nice and loving to you sometimes.
If he was an abusive arsehole to you all the time, you would have left him a long time ago.

That is what they do.

They are abusive, horrible dickheads and just when you are about to reach breaking point, they realise and suddenly will turn on the nice, lovely, romantic gestures.

They are not being nice, lovely, romantic because they want to. They are doing it because they have to.

It's a complete head fuck.

I'd lay on good money that @Mommycool24 partner will do something "nice" either today or tomorrow.

Have a think about how often he is nice to you and how often he is horrible to you.

I once read a great piece of advice from a Mnetter. The Op said her partner was 90% lovely to her and 10% of the time he was abusive.
The lovely mnetter said, if someone gave you a cake that was made out of 10% shit/poo, would you eat it?
The same applies to your relationship.

I’ve made a new thread now 🙂 just copied and pasted x

I do stand up for myself and I will confront him if he does treat me bad

Leaving an abusive relationship is like pushing a boulder up a hill, most days you're fighting with the person either in your head or with them, so you're too exhausted to push. You have just enough energy to keep the boulder where it is. It becomes a relief if they aren't an arse...and you feel like ahhh, maybe I dont have to push this boulder, and you slip back down the hill for a rest. And then it happens again and again and you aren't moving. If I can give any advice it's to stop arguing back, defending your position, wondering why he's like this, whether yoi were right or wrong in a given argument. Just completely give up because the cycle of defending/keeping the peace/relief is draining you of the energy to do what actually needs to be done.

I’ve had such lovely messages and help from some people on here, who have given me the encouragement that what i already knew what I had to do is the right way and today is my first day of doing something about it - but I’ve deleted my thread - I didn’t think I could feel worse about my situation, some people need to stay off this site and should stay clear of joining the Samaritans

I feel so desperately sorry for all these poor innocent children in such awful abusive environments.

They will be damaged for their whole lives with anxiety and MH problems because their fathers were nasty scum and their mothers chose to stay.

It is not normal to live like this with screaming abuse.

Your children grow up with fear and confusion burnt into their DNA because of these awful men.

They end up with similarly awful men or abusing women because they had such an awful background.

I understand it is hard, but staying with an abusive man when you have other choices is so so awful for your poor children.

Women leave with nothing and go to refuges, because they want their children away from this environment.

If you are financially independent and have the housing in your name, it is so wrong to be tolerating this behaviour when you clearly can make other choices.

Putting an abusive man ahead of poor innocent children is never right.

These are really bad men who destroy the lives of children.

Awful that they are put ahead of children when they could be thrown out and the house could be peaceful.

So sad.
Always the children paying the ultimate price with their damaged lives and futures destroyed.

Yeah you can get some people who post and make you feel absolutely awful Infact more awful than you already do. I'm so happy for you taking the first step! Well done, I'm proud of you! 😊 how is everything with you today?

Thanks hon, they actually made me cry, accusing me of being included in the abusing of my daughter, very strange comments, I feel a lot better 😘 last night was very strange and he knows I’m different towards it all and he’s probably worried now, I feel a weight has been lifted though as I know what I need to do. How are you?! X

Oh wow OP - that is completely horrendous behaviour and it's so worrying that you had to post on here to check.

I don't usually say this but you need to start the long journey to leaving him. Good luck - my heart goes out to you.

Nothing bad out of him lastnight, saying that as usual he was out a majority of the evening, alright mood today then started there now because I forgot to make a doctors appointment, he said the kids look like there falling apart and that he could do a better job of looking after them. Then went outside & came back in again & I said to him "I'd love to see you juggle 3 kids" and he said "well I wouldn't" "I only said that, I couldn't do a better job than you, the kids just don't look right" now take in mind they had tonsillitis 2 weeks ago, now currently a vomiting & diarrhoea bug.🙄 now is being normal again. It's like he changes personality's instantly?!

hi to you both, mommycool and valkyrie. just another vote for getting out of these abusive relationships as soon as you can. agree with "get your ducks in a row" + get proper advice + get in touch with your nearest women's refuge. and perhaps most important, watch youtube videos on narcissistic behaviour. i think dr ramani's best, but find who you like best. the more you understand about these men's behaviour, that they won't change, they can't change, they don't want to change, the better equipped you'll be. also that they might seem to change, but just so you'll think they've changed and give them another chance. DON'T. get out while you can. and save your children from the life of abuse they're in for if these men get to "train" them for it. which is what they're doing already.
i wish you both the very best.
and come onto gransnet for support. ignore anyone who doesn't understand. very few people can understand this behaviour, and how these men have already done the groundwork to make you feel unsure of yourselves. you've both said you know you should leave and don't understand why you haven't done so. you've been groomed!

good luck