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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

100 replies

Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 22:35

We have a corner sofa, tonight my partner was sitting in the corner of it for about 30 mins. He got up from that certain spot and went and got a packet of crisps, ate them in the kitchen, then went outside and had a smoke and sat out there for about 30 mins on his phone. I ordered us food that HE ASKED for, I was just peckish and would have settled for abit of toast but he wanted it so I bought it to him for a treat, the food came while he was outside I brought it in, opened up the pizza etc, got out forks etc and made my way over to the sofa and sat in the corner of the sofa (where he was previously sitting at least half an hour prior) he came in and he went absolutely mad because I was sitting there and said that I'm doing it to be a dickhead towards him and and started calling me names and really shouting at me, he then said I'm a wanker because I didn't get up and move to a different part whenever he pointed it out to me. He then told me to stick my takeaway up my arse and said fuck you and took himself off to bed. I'm still processing here what happened as I sit alone downstairs eating on my own. If I'm wrong I'll completely hold my hands up, what's your opinion?

OP posts:
Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:13

I’m so glad I found this site and can get it off my chest cos I’ve been feeling so low and down about it, lost tbh 😞

CheekyHobson · 05/03/2023 23:13

I'm finding it really hard to make sense of it.

That’s because it doesn’t make any sense.

It’s completely bizarre for someone to get so angry about their partner sitting somewhere they’d like to sit themselves. His reaction is in no way normal, and his response to you asking what the actual problem is a no-answer.

”The problem is you being a dickhead” is not a reason for him being upset, it’s a character attack on you. A reason would sound like “I feel upset because you know my favourite show is about to start and that I can’t see the TV from anywhere else in the room” or “I’ve been telling you all day that I’ve got a sore back and that particular part of the couch is the only place I can sit without pain, so you sitting there makes me feel like you haven’t been listening to me.”

His behaviour is a major major red flag. You need to have your own back here. You haven’t done anything dickish, he’s not saying anything reasonable and it’s absolutely not okay for him to treat you like that. You need to lay a strong boundary that his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, and that you need an apology and explanation of what’s really going on or you’ll be looking at the end of the relationship.

Nimbostratus100 · 05/03/2023 23:14

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:11

Aw hon I’m exactly the same, how many kids have you got together, I have a 9 week old baby and we’ve “scuffled” twice now, 4 weeks after baby was born it happened first time, grabbing my phone cos he was screaming in my face cos I said I have to call the police, my hair got caught and pulled at my extensions out so I have a small bald patch on side of head now and my hand got scratched by accident during the scuffle and it bled, had another incident tonight, it’s embarrassing how small and trivial it was and how he behaved

your hair didn't pull itself and your hand didn't scratch itself, and it isn't trivial, and you need to get rid as well

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:16

I know in my heart I do, I just wanted us to have a long nice relationship for the baby but he’s ruining it 😞

Nimbostratus100 · 05/03/2023 23:18

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:16

I know in my heart I do, I just wanted us to have a long nice relationship for the baby but he’s ruining it 😞

I am so sorry he is behaving like this, but you really need to get out, he has already hurt you, and it isn't trivial

the sooner you are out of this, the sooner you and your baby are settled and starting a new life

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 23:19

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:11

Aw hon I’m exactly the same, how many kids have you got together, I have a 9 week old baby and we’ve “scuffled” twice now, 4 weeks after baby was born it happened first time, grabbing my phone cos he was screaming in my face cos I said I have to call the police, my hair got caught and pulled at my extensions out so I have a small bald patch on side of head now and my hand got scratched by accident during the scuffle and it bled, had another incident tonight, it’s embarrassing how small and trivial it was and how he behaved

Bless you poor girl.Sad we have three together. That's awful he done that on you just after giving birth, I'm so sorry. He was also like this even after I just had his babies. Very verbally abusive and up in my face. He's the same, it's the silliest things he really loses or over. I find myself walking on eggshells a lot of the time, he was repairing something yesterday and he dropped one of his tools that he was using and I starting to feel really anxious because I thought he was going to start to shout at me because of it. When he didn't I felt relief, which made me sit and think about how Things shouldn't be this way. Sad

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 05/03/2023 23:21

@Valkyrie87 It is a recognised and common pattern for domestic violence to start or escalate during pregnancy or after a first child. Please don’t minimise what he is doing, even though you feel you haven’t the space or energy to face it.

Can you and the baby go to a relative or friend’s house? You need to look out for yourself and your baby. Your baby needs a mum who is alive and not battered. 💐

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 23:21

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:16

I know in my heart I do, I just wanted us to have a long nice relationship for the baby but he’s ruining it 😞

Same I'm glad I've somewhere to vent and have others opinions on it as I also have been very low and run down by this.

OP posts:
minou123 · 05/03/2023 23:24

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:16

I know in my heart I do, I just wanted us to have a long nice relationship for the baby but he’s ruining it 😞

The thing is @Valkyrie87 (and @Mommycool24) you're not going to get a nice relationship.

What I mean is, you are hoping he changes and becomes the man you want.

This is for both of you: He won't and can't become soneone different.
He has shown you exactly who he is.

Its time you start to see exactly who he is and stop wishing he was someone else.

Sorry, if this sounds harsh.

Return2thebasic · 05/03/2023 23:24

@Mommycool24 , if it's his regular behaviour (honestly even more than once), I'd leave no matter what. If I don't respect myself, can't expect others do.

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:25

Oh wow hon 😞 that’s awful and no life for you, it’s strange as when I’m reading it I immediately think you just need to get out but I’m so similar, and still just put up with it, constantly pussy footing around so he doesn’t fly off the handle, we can’t live like this ☹️ he keeps being rude about my 7 year old daughter too and saying she’s mental etc, this was a new low but even said to her tonight in his rage after the other scuffle he had “you should hear what mummy says about you” - as she came out of her room after hearing us 😞 so she says what did you say about me mummy - I said you know what I said earlier that you been a pickle earlier but that was it darling” so I put her back to bed and when I came out I said wow fancy saying that to you an innocent 7 year old - I can’t believe it 😞

Return2thebasic · 05/03/2023 23:26

minou123 · 05/03/2023 23:24

The thing is @Valkyrie87 (and @Mommycool24) you're not going to get a nice relationship.

What I mean is, you are hoping he changes and becomes the man you want.

This is for both of you: He won't and can't become soneone different.
He has shown you exactly who he is.

Its time you start to see exactly who he is and stop wishing he was someone else.

Sorry, if this sounds harsh.

Show quote history

@Mommycool24 @Valkyrie87 ,

You need to face yourself to see the truth for your children and the future you. How many years of your combined life is worth this?

LightDrizzle · 05/03/2023 23:26

@Mommycool24 You have 3! I know it must feel impossible to leave but you can and must. I’m so sorry you have been going through this all these years. You deserve better but if you can’t do it for you, do it for those children. You may tell yourself you shield them but there is no way they don’t feel the atmosphere change, the older ones will already be learning how to “read” daddy and trying to keep him happy. They may fear him, them may blame you for “upsetting him” - it’s a lottery but no winning ticket for you or them.

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:28

I have made my brother and sister in law aware and my 7 olds dad who I’m friends with and was with for 7years x

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 23:47

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:25

Oh wow hon 😞 that’s awful and no life for you, it’s strange as when I’m reading it I immediately think you just need to get out but I’m so similar, and still just put up with it, constantly pussy footing around so he doesn’t fly off the handle, we can’t live like this ☹️ he keeps being rude about my 7 year old daughter too and saying she’s mental etc, this was a new low but even said to her tonight in his rage after the other scuffle he had “you should hear what mummy says about you” - as she came out of her room after hearing us 😞 so she says what did you say about me mummy - I said you know what I said earlier that you been a pickle earlier but that was it darling” so I put her back to bed and when I came out I said wow fancy saying that to you an innocent 7 year old - I can’t believe it 😞

Same I'm also sitting here reading your story and thinking wow she needs out of there. But yet I can't find it in me to do it myself. I do stand up for myself and I will confront him if he does treat me badly but it somehow doesn't make him stop. That's terrible about your daughter, he should t do that, especially when it's not even his own child. What has your support network said about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 23:50

LightDrizzle · 05/03/2023 23:26

@Mommycool24 You have 3! I know it must feel impossible to leave but you can and must. I’m so sorry you have been going through this all these years. You deserve better but if you can’t do it for you, do it for those children. You may tell yourself you shield them but there is no way they don’t feel the atmosphere change, the older ones will already be learning how to “read” daddy and trying to keep him happy. They may fear him, them may blame you for “upsetting him” - it’s a lottery but no winning ticket for you or them.

I'm really trying to find it within myself, I don't know what's stopping me. I feel somewhat stuck, but I don't know why because I'm financially alright, my name is on this rental, I have good family & friends etc. I honestly don't know what's stopping me. He's really became such a horrible person over the years. I love my kids so much and I feel awful that I haven't walked away yet.

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 05/03/2023 23:53

Leave.

The both of you.

ASAP.

AnnieSnap · 05/03/2023 23:56

You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you are “walking on eggshells”. He is being abusive. Get out now. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They will know what’s going on and even if they themselves are not doing it yet, they too will end up “walking on eggshells”!

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 05/03/2023 23:56

CheekyHobson · 05/03/2023 23:13

I'm finding it really hard to make sense of it.

That’s because it doesn’t make any sense.

It’s completely bizarre for someone to get so angry about their partner sitting somewhere they’d like to sit themselves. His reaction is in no way normal, and his response to you asking what the actual problem is a no-answer.

”The problem is you being a dickhead” is not a reason for him being upset, it’s a character attack on you. A reason would sound like “I feel upset because you know my favourite show is about to start and that I can’t see the TV from anywhere else in the room” or “I’ve been telling you all day that I’ve got a sore back and that particular part of the couch is the only place I can sit without pain, so you sitting there makes me feel like you haven’t been listening to me.”

His behaviour is a major major red flag. You need to have your own back here. You haven’t done anything dickish, he’s not saying anything reasonable and it’s absolutely not okay for him to treat you like that. You need to lay a strong boundary that his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, and that you need an apology and explanation of what’s really going on or you’ll be looking at the end of the relationship.

I find it bizarre as well. I have said before he needs to learn how to approach things differently & learn how to speak correctly to people. I've also used descriptions like this to explain to him how he should communicate, when I'm good form he pretends to take it on board then just repeats his behaviour again.

I have said to him last week to try and go one day without calling me a name, he hasn't reached a day yet. I said that tonight and he rolled his eyes at me and told me to give over. I said the way he was behaving was abuse and he told me to shut up and stop talking crap.

I'm trying my hardest to have my own back and I do stand up for myself everytime but it doesn't seem to be working. He EVENTUALLY says sorry just so I stop going on about it then does it again and again.

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 06/03/2023 00:02

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:16

I know in my heart I do, I just wanted us to have a long nice relationship for the baby but he’s ruining it 😞

Have you seen the thread by the woman who hasn't seen her 19 year old son for a year? She was in an abusive relationship and eventually had a nasty divorce, and the abusive ex has turned her son against her.
Staying in an abusive situation to "keep the family together" is just so wrong.

And it's not a "scuffle". He's beating you up.

TessoftheDubonnet · 06/03/2023 00:03

Your children did not ask to be born, @Mommycool24 and @Valkyrie87 - and yet here they are.

You absolutely owe it to them to get them out of this abusive environment.

Sarahcoggles · 06/03/2023 00:03

Valkyrie87 · 05/03/2023 23:25

Oh wow hon 😞 that’s awful and no life for you, it’s strange as when I’m reading it I immediately think you just need to get out but I’m so similar, and still just put up with it, constantly pussy footing around so he doesn’t fly off the handle, we can’t live like this ☹️ he keeps being rude about my 7 year old daughter too and saying she’s mental etc, this was a new low but even said to her tonight in his rage after the other scuffle he had “you should hear what mummy says about you” - as she came out of her room after hearing us 😞 so she says what did you say about me mummy - I said you know what I said earlier that you been a pickle earlier but that was it darling” so I put her back to bed and when I came out I said wow fancy saying that to you an innocent 7 year old - I can’t believe it 😞

And you're staying, so you can be a "family"?

CheekyHobson · 06/03/2023 01:04

I have said to him last week to try and go one day without calling me a name, he hasn't reached a day yet. I said that tonight and he rolled his eyes at me and told me to give over. I said the way he was behaving was abuse and he told me to shut up and stop talking crap.

So, the thing is, and I say this without judgement, part of the reason he doesn’t take what you’re saying seriously and do anything to change his behaviour is that you don’t take what you’re saying seriously and do anything to change your behaviour either.

You tell him that he’s abusing you and in response he abused you again, and… you just accept it and carry on. Theee are no difficult consequences for him if he continues to abuse you so he keeps on doing it because he actually believes it’s fine and you deserve it. Or he may at some level know it’s not fine but as you keep putting up with it and it gets him what he wants, he’ll keep doing it.

I know there are loads of reasons why you might accept the abuse… you’re scared of how you will afford to live if you leave, you’re used to being spoken to badly and you don’t really believe anyone else would treat you much better, you think you can tolerate it and “it could be worse”, you think one day he might just understand that he’s really been hurting and feel sorry and change.

But the thing is, he already knows he’s hurting you and he really doesn’t care. Your hurt doesn’t hurt him. He has no empathy for you. As long as he’s not hurting, he will
keep on using exactly the same strategies to get his way with you. Putting you down, shouting, calling you names until you give in and stop asking for what you want. You even know this…

I'm trying my hardest to have my own back and I do stand up for myself everytime but it doesn't seem to be working. He EVENTUALLY says sorry just so I stop going on about it then does it again and again.

He doesn’t say sorry because he is sorry, he says sorry because it will make you shut up, which is what he wants. But the behaviour he was supposedly “sorry” for doesn’t change, so it’s obvious he isn’t really sorry at all. I doubt he even has a clear understanding of what “sorry” means.. You might as well stop bothering to ask for apologies as it’s a battle that results in absolutely nothing meaningful.

Instead, you can start putting in some real-life consequences that cause issues for him if he doesn’t change his behaviour. Like, “I am not going to remain in a relationship with someone who disrespects and hurts me by calling me names. If you continue to do so, I’ll end the relationship.” If he says “Good, end it then”, you should take him seriously. It is bad for your mental and physical health to stay in a relationship with someone who does not genuinely care for you.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 06/03/2023 01:17

He doesn't own that spot on the sofa. If he'd just gone to the bathroom or to grab food and come back that would be reasonable to expect you wouldn't take his spot. Went away to eat a snack then smoke outside he's being very unreasonable and horrid to you. Expecting 'his' spot on the sofa and yelling about it is behaviour I wouldn't take from my 5 year old. Never mind the rest of it, appalling behaviour from him.

Pinkbonbon · 06/03/2023 01:18

Absolutely agree with above poster apart from one thing- don't be tempted to hang around trying to condition him with consequences.
You're not a psychiatrist or a scientist. It's not your job to try various forms of approach to try and 'fix' a shitty person like him.

Pp is right, he only cares about himself and what hurts him. But a beast is still a beast no matter how you try to train it. So don't waste any more energy trying to make a lion into a lamb. Instead, recognise him for the predator he is and get the hell out of there as fast as your legs will carry you.