Did I do something wrong?

[Mommycool24]

We have a corner sofa, tonight my partner was sitting in the corner of it for about 30 mins. He got up from that certain spot and went and got a packet of crisps, ate them in the kitchen, then went outside and had a smoke and sat out there for about 30 mins on his phone. I ordered us food that HE ASKED for, I was just peckish and would have settled for abit of toast but he wanted it so I bought it to him for a treat, the food came while he was outside I brought it in, opened up the pizza etc, got out forks etc and made my way over to the sofa and sat in the corner of the sofa (where he was previously sitting at least half an hour prior) he came in and he went absolutely mad because I was sitting there and said that I'm doing it to be a dickhead towards him and and started calling me names and really shouting at me, he then said I'm a wanker because I didn't get up and move to a different part whenever he pointed it out to me. He then told me to stick my takeaway up my arse and said fuck you and took himself off to bed. I'm still processing here what happened as I sit alone downstairs eating on my own. If I'm wrong I'll completely hold my hands up, what's your opinion?

@Valkyrie87 I'm really concerned about the harm that man is doing to your innocent child. My gran said something to me that was not a quarter as bad as that and the words blighted my entire childhood

I'm trying my hardest to have my own back and I do stand up for myself everytime but it doesn't seem to be working.

you can't change him through your behaviour. He's domestically abusive and horrible and you need to make plans to leave.

Has he got a girlfriend?

He seemed to spend a lot of time apart from you that evening before he kicked off. Is this usual?

Is he glued to and over protective of his phone?

My ex used to go crazy at me periodically over the years. Over nothing. Huge over reactions.

I have since pieced it all together and it was because he was having affairs.

I was an irritant. I had to demonised but the only way he could do that was by picking the most extraordinary reasons to attack me. He was desperate to attack me.

No, just in the hope it can be better

It will only get worse for both of you.

@Valkyrie87 your partner has already reached the physical stage. You are in danger. Leave. Please. It happened to me. Please leave both of you.

I keep doubting myself though and reminding myself be didnt “mean” to do it, it was an accident, he kept saying that after, “ I didn’t do it I kept trying to get your phone” / but even that isn’t right is it

The only thing you’ve done remotely wrong is stay with this abusive person and give him any space in your life. How absolutely horrible :(

@Valkyrie87 you were trying to call the police.

Your partner didn't want you to because he knew what he was doing was wrong.

Violence occurred as a result and you were injured.

It will get worse.

Can I also suggest you start your own thread on the relationships board? Tell it how it is on your thread and get advice specific to your circumstances.

i will, I’m very new to all this, and not sure it works but I’ll figure it out, I never done this before, it’s nice to get it off my chest, he acts like the perfect bf when around my family and friends, when I told my brother and sister in law they were making excuses for him in a way, so I’ve felt extremely lonely…makes my skin crawl when he’s so charming…altho he let the cracks appear slightly last visit, throwing toys out the pram because i didn’t “stick” up for him with my 7 year old, so they kind of got to see that side.

he uses whenever I wanted a cuddle off him too against me. Earlier in his rage he says I’m too much, too needy (which I’m really not) told me to get off my fat arse when he wanted to sort the baby, I let him cuddle her cos he moans he misses out when at work, then says I don’t do anything while I’m on maternity leave, as I’m typing my head is fried. We haven’t been together long and I wish I never met the guy.

You don't need to make sense of it....you need to dump him.

@Valkyrie87 so he's not the father of your 7 year old?

Poor kid. Bet she feels lonely too. Thinking her stepfather is ganging up on her.

You know what though @Mommycool24 @Valkyrie87 ?@Valkyrie87

@Mommycool24and @Valkyrie87 please please try and find the strength to leave your abusive partners. You and your kids will be so much happier without them. I’m so sorry you’re having to live like this, in fear of them. It isn’t right.

Omg I don't know what happened with my phone there! Sorry!

What I wanted to say was: you might think that you don't have the strength to leave, but actually, you're already on the path to leaving, you're doing it right now, little by little. You're questioning what's happening, you've realised it's not right, you're posting here and getting advice - this is all part of the process of leaving. I had to leave in my head first, before I could act on it. So don't be hard on yourselves for not kicking him out right this second, it's a difficult process to get your head straight and you're doing it.

Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme were both great support for me, really recommend talking to them.

I never normally post on other threads but this one has really upset me. My mum had some boyfriends when I was aged 6/7 and eventually met a wonderful one, who is now my step dad and has been my unwavering rock for over 20 years.

Some of the previous boyfriends made me feel unsafe and they did nothing as awful as what yours has done @Valkyrie87. Please please get your daughter away from this man. Show her you don’t need a man, all you need is her. Men can come later. Let her feel loved and secure. Please leave him.

Sometimes I think when stbxh is angry or stressed he just choses the first thing he lights on so he can take that anger out on me. Half the time I have no idea why the hell he's going off on one. Once he got angry yelling our house was a pigsty, and he had to go clean it up and how he had to do everything couldn't help with the bedtime routine because he had to go clean it up. The only thing not done in the whole house was the washing up and that's his only job, but somehow our house was a pigsty. They'll be a reason in his mind for his behaviour, something he's blaming you for or something he's angry about and he'll be taking that out on you.

I wish I could truly go back in time, her dad and me were together 7 years and in that time I got breast cancer and lost my mum during treatment and we just fell away from eachother and then I moved out and was single for a year, still seeing her dad as friends and then met this guy, thought he was loves lost dream, I’m normally very good when it comes to men, but wow I’ve been well and truly love bombed, I fell pregnant quite quickly (not intentionally) I was on pill and cos I had lots of chemo I didn’t think it would be easy when i wanted to try in the future anyway, as the doctor said it would affect my reproductive system, but here we are with a 9 week baby, the last 3 months of my pregnancy I wished and wished it was my exes (obvs not letting him know that) but he’s a monster. He is good to my daughter like ironing her uniform, making her packed lunch, homework, plays with her and takes her out while I get hair done, but he’s like Jekyll and Hyde, he does all that but then turns on us….that’s why I’ve probably held on cos he’s lovely when he does that, but a monster at times

I know in my heart what I need to do and my daughters come first and always will, just so confused 😞😞

I'm also in this predicament. He was sleeping when I went up to bed and away to work before I woke up. Haven't heard from him at all yet. I also know I have to walk away and I don't know why I'm finding it so hard. He'll try and blame lastnight on his tiredness but it's no excuse. I wasted the money on something he wanted to eat and that I treated him to and his just ended up in the bin as he cleared off to bed and don't bother eating it. Such a waste.

Oh hon 😞 yours and mine sound so childlike don’t they? I got silent treatment before he went to work this morning too, managed to remind me how much of a shit mum he thinks I am under his breathe though - pathetic

🤐Those are not "childlike" behaviour, but an abusive adult who's condescending to the very person they should show love and care.

That's awful. I still haven't heard from him. Usually he would ring me on his break and lunch but no word yet. But has been online on messenger multiple times. I've a separate thread where I said I had a hunch he was involved with someone else. Still trying to work it out.

That's awful. I still haven't heard from him. Usually he would ring me
on his break and lunch but no word yet. But has been online on messenger
multiple times. I've a separate thread where I said I had a hunch he
was involved with someone else. Still trying to work it out.

Yes I think this has been mentioned by pp, irrational anger can be used as a deflection technique, it keeps you occupied wondering what 'you've done' wrong. And here you are on MN busy trying to figure out his behaviour.

Guilt can also make them want to distance themselves from you and the insults are just a way of dehumanising you, I bet you've been tying yourself in knots trying to please him at the moment, havn't you, trying to be upbeat and get him out of this mood ?
Well, stop bothering trying to be nice, it won't work, no more takeaways, tell him you will no longer be spoken to like that.

He deserves consequenses, no sex, no washing, no ironing, no help with his admin/life, you deserve respect.
I don't know if he is cheating but abuse is very common when men do cheat.

There is so much going on here it's difficut to respond, but keep posting there will be some good advice. x

@Valkyrie87 You're situation sounds very hard, but we are pleased you are here.

What your new partner is doing concerning your child is very alarming, this is dangerous stuff you are talking about, not to be minimised.
You are right to be on your guard with this man, he is displaying some very worrying behaviour.

Please make a new thread. x

Your situation.