Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What has my life become...

56 replies

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:28

Partner has been angry with me because he made a comment about my family disliking him and it's all my fault. I reminded him that he needs to take some responsibility for cheating.
He went nuts about me bringing up the past, shouting at me that I was a "fucking twat" at night, outside the childrens rooms whilst they were sleeping. He has left and refuses to come back until I apologise for bringing up the past.
I said I only brought up the past as a response to what you had said but don't you feel you should apologise for swearing.

Amongst many messages telling me I'm depressed (I'm not) and I'm breaking therapy rules by mentioning the past (we left therapy 8 months ago when he declared he doesn't neeeld to change anything but I need therapy).

His response was "I called you a twat because calling you a bitch seems to cause offence"
Is it just me who finds this response ridiculous!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:32

Not just ridiculous but disgusting. He's a pig with zero respect for you.

Take this opportunity to separate.

HappyHolidays22 · 05/03/2023 19:32

Hi OP. He is totally out of line. I do think his response is also a little OTT… I don’t like to say this, but is there a chance he has a guilty conscience and could be cheating again? Maybe that’s just me over thinking it… maybe, just maybe, I can also imagine being wracked with guilt - and therefore rather defensive - if a mistake I made a long time ago was brought up again, even if it was only done in the context you explained. BUT that doesn’t excuse his verbal abuse at all. He sounds like a rather nasty, angry man. I would stand your ground xx

Mamette · 05/03/2023 19:39

He cheated and you can’t mention it because you’re not allowed to bring up the past?

He has left and refuses to come back until I apologise for bringing up the past.

I’d be glad he is gone tbh. You want him to come back?

Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:40

I was just wondering about the specific incident so didn't give background info. However he's an abusive narcissist. Since I discovered the cheating he has a lot of anger towards me. If I asked him about it, he told me I was being emotionally abusive. He's not a nice person. However he wants to be seen as some middle class, respectable man and I've destroyed that by "discovering" him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:42

I think it just shocks me because he will become dissatisfied with something. I will send a carefully articulated message to state I am not engaging in a text conversation whilst he is calling me names and I'll get 15 plus messages criticising my mental health, stating I'm a horrible person etc.
I just can't believe he says these things but then I have realms of texts with horrible things he says!
I loved the irony in "apologise to me or I'm leaving and you'll have no money to live"

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:43

You know what he is so time to stop wasting your time and thoughts and life on him.

He's given you a great opportunity by leaving the house, take it to do whatever you need to to keep him gone/get away from him.

Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:43

Sorry that sentence meant to say that I loved the irony in the comment "apologise for being emotionally abusive or I'll leave you will have no money to live"

OP posts:
Justforlaffs · 05/03/2023 19:48

Oh just leave the nasty, abusive bellend ffs - where do you seriously think this relationship is going to lead? Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to analyse his behaviour? Some people are just nasty pieces of shit - to quote the classic MN line “he’s shown you who he is, believe him”.

And yes, he’s probably cheating again or will be at some point - it doesn’t sound like he really gives a shit. He’s done you a favour by taking the trash out himself - id leave all his stuff out in the front garden to save him having to come back in the house at all. And Get a good solicitor!

piedbeauty · 05/03/2023 19:52

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:32

Not just ridiculous but disgusting. He's a pig with zero respect for you.

Take this opportunity to separate.

This

Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:52

He's coming back apparently. Not tonight because I didn't apologise but tomorrow. Makes no sense.

OP posts:
PeaceLilyCactus · 05/03/2023 20:01

If you stay with him, he will continue to abuse you. Your children will witness you tolerating his abuse. They will likely grow up and enter an abusive relationship too. There’s no fixing this except to end the relationship. He’ll never change.

Zanatdy · 05/03/2023 20:16

Tell him he’s not coming back. Why do you want this man in your life? He’s a cheater, abusive, nasty piece of work. If you can’t do it for yourself (and you need to higher your standards) do it for your children who believe me will be in therapy themselves in the future wondering why their mother didn’t leave their abusive father and they had to grow up in that atmosphere. Trust me, I know (and opposite way round it was my mother who was the problem)

Miscellaneousme · 05/03/2023 20:18

Don’t let him come back, OP.

HappyHolidays22 · 05/03/2023 20:20

You need to leave him OP.

SnackyOnassis · 05/03/2023 20:29

Don't be there when he gets back OP, be at a solicitors getting your shit together. Where do you think this relationship is heading from here? He's cheated on you with no remorse whatsoever, shows you actual hatred, not just disrespect, and clearly doesn't care what environment he's providing for his children. You have a choice. They can't leave him; you can.

FinallyHere · 05/03/2023 20:33

He has left and refuses to come back

Why ever would you want him back?

I'd say you have dodged a bullet there

All the best for getting this horrible person out of your life.

gallina · 05/03/2023 20:36

'Don't let the door hit you on your way out' the abuse little prick.

👋

FlamingoQueen · 05/03/2023 20:44

Change the locks…

Bluetrews25 · 05/03/2023 20:58

Would you have any money if he left?
Hope you earn more than he does!
Hope you can somehow keep him out, is there anyone who can come round to back you up, or has he successfully isolated you?

Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:12

We aren't married so a solicitor is no use, we rent so can't change the locks and I can't afford to live here alone.

This is a pattern with him. If something if doesn't like is said, he leaves, tells me I have to apologise and eventually returns. I won't be apologising to him. He'staken away any self esteem I ever had.
I just find it so strange. He is an absolute master manipulator but he writes copious amounts of abusive messages that demonstrate he's a bit nuts.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 05/03/2023 21:16

But you are you leaving him though, yes...?

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 21:17

This is almost word for word how my my ex- H reacted to being caught having an affair.

it’s horrible and ridiculous. And yes, it’s narcissistic behaviour (whether he has narcissistic personality disorder or not, is for a professional to diagnose)

The real nastiness happened after I’d caught him out. I was also told I needed therapy, he also refused to engage with counselling ( didn’t need it). I was also bringing up the past. ( only in relation to him continuing to speak to other woman). I also had my mental health questioned, and was told I was a manipulative person. I was accused of being abusive. He walked out and refused to come back until I’d admitted I was an abuser 🙄( I really wasn’t)

my big regret? Not letting him just piss off when he initially walked out. Would’ve been rid of him more quickly. He’d have felt like he was in charge, which is better with narcissistic twats. It means they’ll give you less grief in the long run.

my big mistake was begging for him to come back and work at our relationship for the sake of the kids.

don’t make that mistake!

FiddleLeaf · 05/03/2023 21:19

I find the fact you’re going to accept him back is ridiculous.

Please protect your children from this awful environment.

Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:27

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 21:17

This is almost word for word how my my ex- H reacted to being caught having an affair.

it’s horrible and ridiculous. And yes, it’s narcissistic behaviour (whether he has narcissistic personality disorder or not, is for a professional to diagnose)

The real nastiness happened after I’d caught him out. I was also told I needed therapy, he also refused to engage with counselling ( didn’t need it). I was also bringing up the past. ( only in relation to him continuing to speak to other woman). I also had my mental health questioned, and was told I was a manipulative person. I was accused of being abusive. He walked out and refused to come back until I’d admitted I was an abuser 🙄( I really wasn’t)

my big regret? Not letting him just piss off when he initially walked out. Would’ve been rid of him more quickly. He’d have felt like he was in charge, which is better with narcissistic twats. It means they’ll give you less grief in the long run.

my big mistake was begging for him to come back and work at our relationship for the sake of the kids.

don’t make that mistake!

Wow, I can't believe how similar the behaviour is. The turning point was definitely the point where he said I had to admit to being an emotional abuser or he'd leave me and I'd basically be homeless. I just wondered how I'd got to this point when I've been lied to, cheated on, gaslit, sworn at, physically pushed around and called mentally ill. Every single thing is hard work.
@Catastrophejane how and when did you leave? How is it co-parenting with him.
I'm actually scared of leaving and the impact it'll have on our son. He will often make comments to our son, such as "tidy the toys or mummy will get angry", etc then son walks around saying mummy's angry and partner says "see even son knows you're angry".
Yet I've never threatened, shouted, sworn etc and always try to have the moral high ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:28

When we last walked out of therapy, my partner happily announced "all my exes are crazy". The look on the therapists face!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread