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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What has my life become...

56 replies

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 19:28

Partner has been angry with me because he made a comment about my family disliking him and it's all my fault. I reminded him that he needs to take some responsibility for cheating.
He went nuts about me bringing up the past, shouting at me that I was a "fucking twat" at night, outside the childrens rooms whilst they were sleeping. He has left and refuses to come back until I apologise for bringing up the past.
I said I only brought up the past as a response to what you had said but don't you feel you should apologise for swearing.

Amongst many messages telling me I'm depressed (I'm not) and I'm breaking therapy rules by mentioning the past (we left therapy 8 months ago when he declared he doesn't neeeld to change anything but I need therapy).

His response was "I called you a twat because calling you a bitch seems to cause offence"
Is it just me who finds this response ridiculous!

OP posts:

Justforlaffs · 05/03/2023 21:33

He will often make comments to our son, such as "tidy the toys or mummy will get angry", etc then son walks around saying mummy's angry and partner says "see even son knows you're angry".

Bloody hell, he’s a complete psycho isn’t he?

I think I’d rather be penniless and homeless than put up with this toxic twerp for a moment longer. How have you not smacked him one yet?

Have you anyone you can stay with? I would contact Women’s Aid and see if they have any advice. He thinks he’s got you right where he wants you - prove him wrong.

Original poster

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:39

I do sometimes wonder if he's a bit of a sociopath too. He'll leave, spend 3 days spending me non stop paragraphs about how horrible I am, he can't cope living with me due to my anger (😳), it's not fair on him or his health (apparently my fault he drinks every night).
Then he'll wander back home, come upto me and put his hands down my trousers!

OP posts:

WaveyGodshawk · 05/03/2023 21:41

I had one of these. Left him about 10 yrs ago and mine and dcs lives are so much better!
You can have that too

Original poster

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:42

@WaveyGodshawk what was the point that made you leave? And how has it been to co parent. I'm pretty sure my p likeer wants everyone to think I'm nuts (like he did with his ex) and if we split, he'd want to portray me as a crazy women that he couldn't live with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:43

*my partner

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 05/03/2023 21:47

He's not your partner he is your abuser.

You need to leave him, talk to womans aide or refuge, he will destroy you and your son, he is already doing it.

Justforlaffs · 05/03/2023 21:53

Whathaveibecome1 · 05/03/2023 21:42

So what, stop worrying about what everyone else will think. Most likely people around him think he’s a dick too - anyone who slagged off their partner and mother of their child to me would be given short shrift. His abuse of you is working - he’s making you think you can’t possibly leave him as you’ll have no money/everyone will think you’re crazy - HE is the one who wants you to believe this as it keeps you scared to make the break and right where he wants you - which is putting up with his despicable behaviour of you.

The sticking his hands down your trousers after his bad treatment of you is just 🤮. He thinks he can do what he likes to you. Please get out for your sons sake 💐 I hope someone will come along soon who can give you some practical advice x

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/03/2023 21:53

He'll say you're crazy - true, but not everyone will listen. And one great thing about starting again is you get to choose who you hang out with.

For me, the turning point was when he started with the "Mummy will be cross" lines with my kids. I knew it made no difference how good I tried to be, he would play with their minds.

thecatsarecrazy · 05/03/2023 21:53

Block him, when my husband starts ranting via WhatsApp I just block him. As u rent are u able to get any help financially? Dont get stuck like this it's not healthy. Narcissists never change

Hehx3 · 05/03/2023 21:54

You are allowed to being back the past, what he did is something that can be forgotten, each time he should acknowledge the pain he caused and be gentle to you. Instead he is absolute twat of a man 😵‍💫Please, please, please don't waste your life, your self esteem, your health on this individual

Hehx3 · 05/03/2023 21:55

*bring

Hehx3 · 05/03/2023 21:55

cant 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ sorry I got so angry for you

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/03/2023 21:56

If you can't afford there, can you move somewhere you can afford? Or stay with someone for a bit?

WaveyGodshawk · 05/03/2023 22:00

@Whathaveibecome1 it was just a build up over several years after my dc was born of behaviour exactly like you've described. I wish I walked the first time he called me a cunt in front of our child but it did take a lot more sadly.
I started therapy myself and slowly started to realise that things would never get better - this was who he was. It came to a head one day and I just walked out with my dc (he owned the house)

It has been difficult to co-parent particularly at the start I'm not going to lie - but it was still infinitely better than being abused like you are being day in day out.
My poor dc now no longer has anything to do with him as he has proved to be such a bully to them also, these narcissistic men can't help themselves.
My child recently thanked me for leaving when I did and said they were so thankful that they didn't have to live with him and that I'd protected them from so much.

He's still trying to make my life hell but I've come a long way and it mostly doesn't affect me anymore. He of course tried to say I was crazy and unreasonable and it drove me mad at the time but you know what, it doesn't matter. You know in your heart how unreasonable he is and you have all that text evidence.
You can do this, you can have freedom from the mental torture x you'll look back and wonder how you stayed so long!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/03/2023 22:03

You've done some inexcusable things I'm afraid op

You've ruined his exterior 'nice guy' facade, by telling people about his affair

You've called him out on his double standards (he can bring up the past, but you can't)

You've put a stop to his ego boost (affair)

You haven't apologised

Start to make plans to leave op.

Check how much you'll. het in child maint via the cms calc
Check the entitledto.com website to understand what you'll get in benefits and start to make plans to leave

category12 · 05/03/2023 22:04

I'm actually scared of leaving and the impact it'll have on our son. He will often make comments to our son, such as "tidy the toys or mummy will get angry", etc then son walks around saying mummy's angry and partner says "see even son knows you're angry".
Yet I've never threatened, shouted, sworn etc and always try to have the moral high ground.

I think you should be more afraid of the impact STAYING will have on your son. In a few years time, he'll be just like his dad, bullying you and treating you like shit - or his dad will emotionally abuse him in turn. Staying isn't protecting him, it's keeping him in an abusive environment 24/7/365.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2023 22:05

Are you letting him back? What steps are you taking to ditch him? Venting might help tonight but tomorrow your kids are still living with a toxic abusive prick of a dad. They have no choice while you accept his behaviour.

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 22:06

@Whathaveibecome1 its like reading a post by my past self. So many parallels.

I asked him to leave and never regretted it. I did have to get a mediator involved to smooth things over.

Getting a mediator will really help with agreeing parenting plan after you split.

I’d love to say everything is great now, but he’s still a complete arse- saying stuff to kids about mummy throwing him out etc etc. he’s still very angry that I kicked him out. This is almost 10 years on.

men like that are just vile. I find ignoring them is the best policy. Your ex will continue to send you vile messages accusing you of all sorts ( mine still does) I just mute him and ignore. He forgets about it after a couple of days.

I was referred to Women’s Aid by my GP. It really helps to speak to people who understand this type of behaviour. They will help you deal with it, provide support and believe you.

I know it’s hard, but it’s much worse living with someone like that. If you separate, you can just shut the door/ switch phone off.

WaveyGodshawk · 05/03/2023 22:12

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 22:06

@Whathaveibecome1 its like reading a post by my past self. So many parallels.

I asked him to leave and never regretted it. I did have to get a mediator involved to smooth things over.

Getting a mediator will really help with agreeing parenting plan after you split.

I was referred to Women’s Aid by my GP. It really helps to speak to people who understand this type of behaviour. They will help you deal with it, provide support and believe you.

I know it’s hard, but it’s much worse living with someone like that. If you separate, you can just shut the door/ switch phone off.

Its eerie isn't it @Catastrophejane , the similarities.
I really wished I got a mediator involved when I left. He had done such a number on me that I thought everyone would believe him so I was just relieved to not be with him anymore.
Definitely something to consider @Whathaveibecome1 x

WidthofaLine · 05/03/2023 22:12

He's not sorry about a damm thing.

Stop trying to point out to him he's abusive, he will never agree with you.

Let him call you whatever he wants to others, their opinion means nothing to you, they have no idea how unpleasant he really is.

Start to detatch, no point in trying to negotiate, this man is incapable of reason so your future moves should be all about you and your children.
He's of no use to your health, his money, now start gathering info about what you are entitled to, get in touch with WA and CA.
Don't waste your breath on him, talk to others who could actually help you in life, this man clearly cannot or does not want to help you.

He is useless to you, this must be exhausting.

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 22:12

On the kids thing- my ex still causes problems. There have been (rare) times when I thought maybe it would’ve been easier parenting if I’d stayed with him ( if only to shut him up) but I’d have been miserable.

I also didn’t want my kids thinking that his behaviour was an acceptable way to treat people. I’ve always been very straight with my kids- I’ve told them that mum and dad couldn’t get on, so it was better that we split.

I did tell my DD that I didn’t like the way he treated me, so I ended it. I sometimes worry that was the wrong thing to say, but I don’t want her thinking anyone should take that shit from a partner.

WaveyGodshawk · 05/03/2023 22:16

It might help as well, to go to something like al-anon. I did something similar and it really helped to finally understand how to put boundaries in place.

Catastrophejane · 05/03/2023 22:20

@WaveyGodshawk just read your post. The behaviour is identical.
Im relieved to hear your kids think you did the right thing…my DS was very young when we split and doesn’t talk about it. He adores his dad and still finds it hard. I worry how he is going to react when he’s older.

The Ex is always dripping poison in his ear. Just hope he sees the situation for what it is when he’s older

WaveyGodshawk · 05/03/2023 23:31

What age is your ds @Catastrophejane ?
Mine is just gone 12. It was always a massive worry for me, that my ex would manage to turn him against me. He sees right through him now though. It still breaks my heart, as what child should have to deal with that knowledge about their father. He just wants a normal dad, that isn't full of anger and bitterness.
I'm sure your ds will come to be the same. They know the parent who is truly there for them, that they can rely on. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time too

Ofcourseshecan · 06/03/2023 00:04

We aren't married so a solicitor is no use, we rent so can't change the locks and I can't afford to live here alone.

OP, you and your son can’t afford to live with this abusive, unstable man. But you seem to be looking for reasons not to leave him. I feel for your son, who will suffer even more than you growing up in this toxic home.

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