Friend with different life drifting

[friendleftbehind]

We are both in our mid 30's and have been best friends since we were 16 in sixth form.

Ive noticed lately that she seems distant, not when we have seen each other in person, but the in between stages. She doesnt message me much, hasn't messaged me first for a while, or if she does, its usually a photo of the kids or something which then means I have to message first in response. Sometimes we've had a conversation and her reply can be nothing in which I can really respond to, so I leave it and then weeks can pass until I think I should probably reach out again. She always seems happy to hear from me and updates me on whats been going on.

I'm feeling really down about it. I can't think that i've done anything wrong, except that things have worked out differently for us in life and im wondering if shes seeing me as 'lesser' perhaps? Pre her having kids, things felt very equal, but now it feels more one sided, but i wonder if thats due to her busy family life.

Growing up we both used to speak about how much we want families. She met her partner at uni and they got married a couple of years ago. (I was bridesmaid) Me on the other hand, I went from failed relationship to relationship until finally for the past few years I got my own place and have been single ever since, just dating here and there.

She has 2 kids now, since last year, and I feel since shes had the 2, this is where the communication has dwindled even further. I do understand that it must be hard work to have 2 young children, but I also notice she is seeing a lot more of other friends with kids and making an effort with them? Just not so much with me. And her husband is really good and a good support, it isnt like shes on her own. Is it because im single i wonder? Is it awkward around me because she knows I really want a family as well just havent been lucky enough to find a man? I always have shown interest in her children and do care.

Just feeling upset about it, I didnt think it matters in a friendship what life stage you are at, but maybe it actually does.

I have had a friend since I was 12, over 55 years ago. We have had different things going on in our lives over the years, my children, her PhD, her stepchildren, my divorce, her divorce etc etc etc, she moved away from me, I moved away from her, and a lot of this is pre even email.

BUT, we have still communicated, sometime sporadically. I think she is about to do some travelling but I can't remember when she is going. But it really doesn't matter. We communicate as and when it matters to us. We meet when I am in the UK and it is great! We know each others' secrets and just take up from where we last left it.

Just keep the communication lines open. If you are happy to see each other as and when, don't worry

I'm probably guilty of this with single friends, but most of it is because I worry that they will be bored of doing child-friendly things and me being in a permanent state of distraction and too tired and frazzled to have done anything interesting, or have any interesting things to say. I'm hoping they forgive me by the time I'm out of the toddler-haze stage!

@Stupidquestion1 That's interesting, because I feel the other way round, that maybe she isn't in touch because she feels I, having not got children, is boring. Her life is so busy with her family, mine is pretty much, look after myself and my home, see friends occasionally and work full time.

I can't think that i've done anything wrong, except that things have worked out differently for us in life and im wondering if shes seeing me as 'lesser' perhaps?

We can’t tell you for definite how your friend feels, but I can say that I’m at a similar stage to your friend and this is 100% NOT how I feel about my single/childfree friends. I worry that my life is currently quite boring and child-focused and I have nothing of interest to contribute!

If she just had a second child last year she’s at quite an intense and exhausting stage - try not to give up on the friendship just yet.

You mentioned things seem fine when you see each other in person - how often do you manage to do that? Could you make some special plans together - even if it’s for something that’s in six months time, it might give you something to look forward to together that will remind you both you’re in this friendship for the long haul.

I have a very similar situation with my friend going on at the moment. I’m a single mum of 2, I’ve just moved house, and I have so much going on that everyone else has been neglected. If she works full time and has children I’m sure she’s just super busy and I’m sure it’s not a reflection of the relationship you have.

I doubt she sees you as boring, probably more like she thinks she's boring.

I'd try to keep in touch: young children are very demanding and take up a lot of time and mental energy - but it doesn't last forever.

Maybe the friendship will be a bit looser for a while, but I wouldn't give up on her.

I struggle a bit with this. I'm child free by choice, never wanted kids.

My very good friends has kids and has always wanted to be a mum.

We love each other, but I think we find it hard to show a true interest in each others day to day life. I'm so happy that she's happy but I definitely wouldn't want her life.

I think she's a bit bewildered by my life and the things I love.

I obviously show an interest and ask politely about her kids, but I don't want to talk about them 99% of the time. She has no interest whatsoever in my interests.

I'm sad about it but we're definitely drifting apart.

Honestly she's probably just so wrapped up with her family life she doesn't have much time. I can speak as this person. Each day just blends into the next of constant routines and before you know it weeks then months have passed. Don't take it personally and don't think she feels any less of you.

I find it really difficult to socialise with my friends with no kids and not because I don't really enjoy their company but realistically there isn't a way to avoid the fact the kids exist. I feel that I end up managing two situations when with them. One to manage the kids and the other to manage the friendship which is exhausting. At the minute I prefer to spend time with other parents as they're having to make the same compromises to their social life.

If the above is similar to your situation then maybe come up with an activity for you all to do that focuses around the kids?

My ability to reply to messages went out of the window after my second child .

Looking back I probably did mainly see people who also had kids at that time but it wasn't even that I preferred their company, more you'd plan to get the kids tighter (even though they were tiny) and both be working to nap routines etc.

Things change a lot when kids get older so I wouldn't make any judgements tbh.

I’m single with no kids and I’m like your friend. Sometimes if I’ve been busy with work or going thru personal situations then i tend to slow down on texts.

Also, my life is boring so there’s not much to talk about. So to me there’s no reason to reach out to people. That can be for weeks and weeks at a time. I do however try to reach out and ask people how people are every once in a while.

@Johnisafckface I suppose last time I messaged a few weeks back to see how things are, she did reply telling me a few antidotes about kids and then said 'other than that, nothing to report'.

But with friends I always try to create some sort of conversation by asking about this or that and she didn't.

Am I right in thinking one of her kids is a toddler, so I'm guessing the other is quite young too? She's just busy OP. Her life is consumed with her kids and their needs. When kids are that age it's just easier to socialise with people who also have young children. They're in the same position so they have all the same problems. And sometimes you literally don't get a free moment all day. Kids follow you to the toilet!
Hang on in there. Once mine started school I was able to meet friends for lunch on my day off.

Your friend is busy and most probably knackered, 100% of the time, if she has two very young children. Please try not to take it personally.
And the reason she's seeing people with kids, is that they are doing the same things. They're probably happy to meet up at 9am at a playground/in a soft play centre at 9 on a Sunday morning cost they've all been up since 6am. That's not such an attractive prospect for most child-free people. By 8pm when you might want to go out for dinner, she's probably exhausted and just spent an hour getting two young kids to sleep. It's a season in life - it's not personal.

I'd walk the walk... I'd say something like "I love that you're living the dream - you've got the lovely family that we both knew we wanted since we were young! I hope I get that one day too! I can see how busy you are with the children... You do it all so well! Let me babysit one of these days - you deserve a date night! Even though we don't get together as often as we used to, we have the kind of comfortable friendship that we can pick up every time like we were together just yesterday! You're such a great mum, my friend!"
Friendships change and evolve for many reasons - sometimes we need to nudge ourselves to evolve a bit too just to keep up, if the friendship is worth it!

So its been about 2-3 weeks since we last spoke. I was the one to reach out last time to ask how things have been and she responded and told me what she'd been up to. So I don't want to be the one to reach out again as it feels a bit one sided. I'm just sad thinking how a few years ago, we were in touch at least once a week. Feel like ive been left behind just because im not at the same life stage. I do think i'm a good friend but dont feel very appreciated at the moment.

I really wouldn’t think this is personal. I’ve always been someone good at keeping in touch despite kids / family life but since my old school friends got married and had kids contact dwindled. I know they’d be down here tomorrow (I moved 4hrs drive away)if I needed them and same for me and we pick up where we left off. One has drifted as she never has time to meet up with me and I’ve stopped asking her, but I know she would probably be here first if I needed her. It’s just life and don’t take it personally.

From your post your friend has two children under two.

Oh my god, the poor thing will be run ragged! Sleep-deprived, stupidly busy with both in nappies, she's obviously going to prioritise seeing people who are in the same boat - because going to baby and toddler friendly venues is necessary for her right now but by god, they're tedious places even when you have a toddler.

You have no idea how intense life is with more than one tiny kid. If your friend had children in school, yes, I think you'd be right to feel a bit shoved out. At this point, no, she's running at full tilt just to stand still. Have some empathy.

I get that she will want to be communicating with people going through the same thing, but i've mentioned before how I really don't mind going to Soft play with her, despite the fact I don't have children. We can still chat and have a coffee and I like seeing her kids. For those saying she will be thinking I don't want to do anything 'kids' related.

Just hurts to think how close we were, she would message me first equally. Now im wondering if to message her when the weeks pass, but then think NO because I did the messaging first previous. It feels like I don't matter anymore just because im single

Single no kids here. Two kids under about 7 are probably a handful. I think some friendships are kind of on ice for this reason. Though some friends like the excuse for a night off to meet me.

I do always try and get to know the kids, take them a tiny gift, play with them etc. Try not to take it personally. Good friendships will bounce back.

Chatting and having a coffee with kids running around isn't that relaxing 🤣 It's impossible to catch up with my friend who has 5 year old in this way. It would be more like me doing puzzles with him (while he says aunty x about 50,000 times every time my attention wonders for a second) while my friend tries to offload a few things in snippets. That is just the reality. It's all about entertaining them.

She won’t be able to sit at soft play and have a natter. At that age she will be crawling round the soft play with them!
I think you’re being a bit harsh. She has 2 very young kids. I definitely neglected my childless friends when mine were small. My best friend and I were barely in touch at all. But now mine are a bit older things are back to how they were before. Small children are all consuming and childless friends just don’t get it. As you’ve proven here. She won’t have even noticed she’s being a shit friend. She won’t have time to realise

I think anyone with young kids is guilty of neglecting their friends, probably more so their single ones. I wouldn’t take it personally. Having young children is possibly the most exhausting life stage women go through.. they have no minutes to themselves and friendships are even further behind.
it won’t be forever, just keep in touch where you can. Do you visit her and the kids?

I think you are being a tad dramatic to be honest, and seem to be making everything about you.

You cant expect a person to still be living life the same way as they were 10 years ago. People's lives move on over time, that's not your fault and its certainly not her fault.

But i think you are being a bit harsh on friend for the fact you aren't as big a priority in her life as you once were. Maybe lay off the "i feel so sad" narrative and focus more on things in your life that are positive.

Aaah it's sad but it happens. I had my DD very young so she's a teenager now, but as I'm only in my early 30's a lot of my friends are just getting started with first and second babies, toddlers etc.

There are those who somehow find the time to keep in touch, but also those who can't and just focus on their families. The flow of my life and theirs is just very different now, I try not to take it personally. I just make sure there is a line of communication still open, and make sure to check in and say hi. Maybe they'll come back when life settles down a bit, maybe they won't, bur it's ok either way.