Friend with different life drifting

[friendleftbehind]

We are both in our mid 30's and have been best friends since we were 16 in sixth form.

Ive noticed lately that she seems distant, not when we have seen each other in person, but the in between stages. She doesnt message me much, hasn't messaged me first for a while, or if she does, its usually a photo of the kids or something which then means I have to message first in response. Sometimes we've had a conversation and her reply can be nothing in which I can really respond to, so I leave it and then weeks can pass until I think I should probably reach out again. She always seems happy to hear from me and updates me on whats been going on.

I'm feeling really down about it. I can't think that i've done anything wrong, except that things have worked out differently for us in life and im wondering if shes seeing me as 'lesser' perhaps? Pre her having kids, things felt very equal, but now it feels more one sided, but i wonder if thats due to her busy family life.

Growing up we both used to speak about how much we want families. She met her partner at uni and they got married a couple of years ago. (I was bridesmaid) Me on the other hand, I went from failed relationship to relationship until finally for the past few years I got my own place and have been single ever since, just dating here and there.

She has 2 kids now, since last year, and I feel since shes had the 2, this is where the communication has dwindled even further. I do understand that it must be hard work to have 2 young children, but I also notice she is seeing a lot more of other friends with kids and making an effort with them? Just not so much with me. And her husband is really good and a good support, it isnt like shes on her own. Is it because im single i wonder? Is it awkward around me because she knows I really want a family as well just havent been lucky enough to find a man? I always have shown interest in her children and do care.

Just feeling upset about it, I didnt think it matters in a friendship what life stage you are at, but maybe it actually does.

OP sorry to say but I've noticed that majority of people do not make effort with friendships. They are there when they need you and when it's easy for them but as soon as they have to make an effort and have others to keep them company the relationship breaks down.
I think it's OK to let those people go after a while.

For example when I was a single mum I've noticed that most coupled friends would only make time for me on the weekend when their partners were away and they suddenly needed someone to keep them company. Otherwise weekend was always "family time" and I worked during a week. In the end I stopped seeing them and only kept the ones who really valued me.

As a mum I understand being busy, having less time to meet up and having to prioritise play dates a lof of the time rather then spending time with people for your own sake BUT sounds like your friendship is very one sided.

Maybe have an honest conversation with her? Tell her how you feel and ask what level of contacts would be comfortable and manageable for her so you both know where you're standing. I would give her a benefit of a doubt and find out her perspective. But if that doesn't help then you need to focus on creating more solid relationships rather then wasting time on chasing her.

My take on this is that life is long, and friendships are often disrupted by life events, but that doesn’t mean they are terminal. Caring for children can be all-consuming and when mine were young my world really shrunk to my community circle of other young mums. Now that mine are older, the threads of friendship are picked up again because my bandwidth has finally widened. And I see a lot more of all my friends now, our friendships are mature and meaningful, but independent. Send ger a birthday card/gift, but foster your other friendships too.

I really think she's doing her absolute best for you. You keep interpreting her difference from the past as meaning she doesn't care any more, and it really, really doesn't. By all means ease up on what you're putting into this friendship and focus more on people who are in a position to be more reciprocal right now, but if you make this about her not caring and being a bad friend, instead of about the fact that she has about 99.9% less time and energy than she used to, you'll needlessly destroy something that could be really good again in time.

I'd be tempted to let this drift and focus on other people. Friendships need give and take but they shouldn't feel like an act of charity. It sounds like you've done your best to adapt to the changes in her circumstances and it's not wrong to want something back for what you put in.

Sending a text once in a blue moon isn't doing her absolute best.

OP I think you need to reframe the friendship in your mind now.
I have friends with kids, who live at least an hour away. We probably text each once every month-2 months and meet up 2-3 times a year. Still good friends but the dynamic has changed from when we lived closer and were pre-children.

Op you sound really hard work. Also like you are determined to think badly of your friend. Give her a break!

life is long and if you want to be friends for years then you can be, but you’ll have to put more effort in now. That is just how it is. But in five years you’ll be back to how things were.

you seems obsessed with taking turns with messages - you are supposed to be friends, not secretly testing her reaction time.

Of course it is easier for her to see other people with kids, the kids play together and everyone knows what it’s like.

think about it - You have 100% of your time to yourself, she probably has 2%. She is making an effort with you.

I disagree with the whole ' wait long enough, and things will return to how they were ' trope. It gives false hope. The OP could be wasting the next five years waiting for her friends child to grow up and maybe then, her friend will have an hour to see her! In my experience that never happens anyway as during the early years the friend will buddy up with other mums and start to foster deeper friendships with these groups instead. Eventually the Op will be replaced entirely and apart from the obligatory Christmas card and occasional guilt text, the friendship is dead and buried. If the friend really valued her friendship, although changed in its dynamic, she'd be showing it right now and reaching out. making some effort!!! It's not a great indicator of what's to come. OP, as hard as it is, you need to let this go, really for your own sake. Don't waste years of making someone a priority when to them, you are merely an option.

*But I don't agree with not having time to text if you were interested/bothered about a friend.

It has become completely one sided with me making all the effort. And I don't think just because i'm the single one that should be the case?*

I think you do need friends at the same stage of life as you to keep up the level of communication and the kind of friendship level you're needing. Like some others here, I think your friend is doing incredibly well to be maintaining much at all at this point and when you do meet up, you enjoy her company and she cares about you. I think it's too much to be hoping for replies to texts like before or at all in the mad months with babies and little kids. It's not about her not being bothered with you. She literally has bigger priorities who dominate her time - and yes, that extends to meet ups with other mums as it's all part of coping with the madness. It's really not about you and to read it that way will only hurt you and misinterpret her.

So absolutely look to others to fill that gap, but you'd be foolish to cut her off or write off the friendship or cause any issues about it. If it's worth anything, it'll last a lifetime, but not always at the same level. Things naturally change and that's fine.

(I don't understand how staying friends is 'wasting' any of the OP's time. She can use her time as she pleases to see other people, make other plans etc etc. The only time she's wasting is checking for replies to her texts, which no one thinks she should keep doing. If she accepts the level of friendship for what's possible right now, she wouldn't be wasting any time. She can do as she likes!)

Send her a birthday card and say I'll give you your gift when I see you. Buy something you would like yourself, just in case. Then if within a couple of weeks she suggests meeting you can give it to her. If not, keep it yourself.

I'll get her a Birthday card. It feels weird to say that. Just a card. After all these years

It feels almost like shes 'punishing' me for not being at the same life stage and I cant believe its come to this. I cant see the friendship lasting now because im stepping back too