Friend with different life drifting

[friendleftbehind]

We are both in our mid 30's and have been best friends since we were 16 in sixth form.

Ive noticed lately that she seems distant, not when we have seen each other in person, but the in between stages. She doesnt message me much, hasn't messaged me first for a while, or if she does, its usually a photo of the kids or something which then means I have to message first in response. Sometimes we've had a conversation and her reply can be nothing in which I can really respond to, so I leave it and then weeks can pass until I think I should probably reach out again. She always seems happy to hear from me and updates me on whats been going on.

I'm feeling really down about it. I can't think that i've done anything wrong, except that things have worked out differently for us in life and im wondering if shes seeing me as 'lesser' perhaps? Pre her having kids, things felt very equal, but now it feels more one sided, but i wonder if thats due to her busy family life.

Growing up we both used to speak about how much we want families. She met her partner at uni and they got married a couple of years ago. (I was bridesmaid) Me on the other hand, I went from failed relationship to relationship until finally for the past few years I got my own place and have been single ever since, just dating here and there.

She has 2 kids now, since last year, and I feel since shes had the 2, this is where the communication has dwindled even further. I do understand that it must be hard work to have 2 young children, but I also notice she is seeing a lot more of other friends with kids and making an effort with them? Just not so much with me. And her husband is really good and a good support, it isnt like shes on her own. Is it because im single i wonder? Is it awkward around me because she knows I really want a family as well just havent been lucky enough to find a man? I always have shown interest in her children and do care.

Just feeling upset about it, I didnt think it matters in a friendship what life stage you are at, but maybe it actually does.

I can hear your confusion. I’ve got a slightly similar dynamic with a friend I love very much but haven’t known as long as you.

I’ve got a preschooler and having a baby in a couple of weeks. She’s in a relationship and wanted kids but he wasn’t keen and I’m very conscious of not banging on about my DC or pregnancy even though she loves her and always takes an interest. I get the impression she found this pregnancy difficult so never mention it unless she does. She’s the one with the high flying job, loads of money to do amazing things, has great holidays, doing home improvements, goes to the theatre and out for meals a lot, they have a very full exciting life.

We tend to talk about books and tv and current affairs and people we know and it’s pretty mutual in who messages or calls first or arranges meet ups. But, when we catch up she’s booked x y and z and been to a b and c, while I’ve been working weekends or DD’s had another bug, I’ve got crippling pelvic pain and can barely walk or been juggling antenatal appointments and show and tell for nursery. I don’t think much of my “news” is very interesting and a lot of its child related which I try not to bring up unless asked.

I'm like your friend in this situation. It's not personal. I feel a permanent state of guilt for the lack of attention my childless friend gets now. I also feel that my life is very boring and monotonous compared to hers. I have very little to talk about nowadays and I go to bed at 8-8.30pm most nights, it's very boring.

Also, I don't want to sound patronising but until you have children you have no idea how all consuming it is. I had no idea and the reality of how busy it is is ridiculous!

There's no chance of a coffee and chat at soft play with children that young. Maybe once the youngest is 3-4 ish, you might manage a coffee there. She'll be crawling around there with the kids because they're too young to be on their own in there.

Just a quick visit to my friend's house that isn't childproof is incredibly stressful. I just spend my time chasing my loony toddler around, trying to stop him going upstairs or smashing the various nice glass ornaments around her front room. All whilst having two conversations with him and my friend simultaneously.

I'm sure once she's less overwhelmed she'll be back. Don't take it personally!

I agree it most likely isn't personal or intentional on her part but jeez some people need to give the OP a break. If she's expected to have boundless empathy for the chaotic toddler/baby years then some empathy for the fact she feels abandoned and sidelined is due, too. It isn't unreasonable for her to feel that way, any more than it's unreasonable for her friend to be wrapped up with wrangling children.

I do think it must depend on the person though as I have a friend with a 7 month old non-sleeping baby and a 4 year old, and she still manages to participate in our whatsapp group every few days and talk about the stuff she was interested in before kids (and remains interested in now). She's always said it's important to her to retain her identity and things she's interested in outside of kids. She doesn't do nights out, but she invites us single or childfree friends to gatherings at her house and will come out for coffee. It's not hard to make an effort with people who matter to you even if it's less frequent and a different kid of socialising - it takes 2 seconds to send a text, even if that text is to say 'wiped out with the kids, but really want to see you when things get easier'.

Update. So last Saturday, said friend sent me a message. Asked how I am and told me a bit about what she'd been doing. Great! I'm not totally forgotten, I thought. I was really pleased to hear from her and responded to her message that evening, asked her a question so there was reason to reply.

Well its been nearly a week now and she hasn't responded back. :(

I guess i'm very very low on the priority list, and I it doesn't make me feel very good/valued.

I mean honestly, this is such a fucking pathetic cop out to me. I'd much prefer that people were completely honest and just say that I can no longer be arsed with you and not pretend that they never have a single moment to give you a thought. It would at least stop the other person hanging around interminably hoping that their "friend" would reappear at some point.

Sorry I think it's a bit of a cop out as well. I have two young kids and yes it's busy but you still have time to send a text every week or few weeks. In fact most mums, including myself I admit, spend too much time on their phones. It takes literally seconds.

Having said that, friends do drift sometimes, that can't be helped. If you enjoy it when you finally do get together, maybe just enjoy it for what it is.

I’ve a dear friend who I met at my Saturday job aged 16. We live a bigger distance from each other now. Our friendship fell off a bit of a cliff when my kids were small and hers were. We’ve both got kids and we’re the same age as each other but our kids are a decade y in age. So we just weren’t in the same phase of life at the same time. Now all the kids are at school, our friendship is picking up again. We’ve tried a few times to have family time together but it didn’t really work. We’re actually best 1-2-1 so now we meet a couple of times a year for a weekend catch up and don’t really do much than the odd text in between. She is still one of my dearest friends. The hardest time of my life was when our second child was a baby (and we went on to have a 3rd!). I just survived for a couple of years.
Notice the interactions and see how they make you feel but I wouldn’t try and predict what feelings are making her act that way. Her feeling you are lesser is one of a million reasons for what you’ve noticed and is on the very negative end of possible reasons. Thinking that is a possible reason is going to make you feel awful and she may not even feel that like. She probably isn’t feeling that way, if you’ve previously been great friends and she clearly likes you. Have you heard of projections - where you feel something you’re uncomfortable feeling so you subconsciously project it onto someone else and feel they must be feeling that way when actually it is how you’re feeling inside? Do you wish you weren’t single? My Godmother has always been single and never married. She’s a wonderful integral part of my life.

Have you read any of the replies on your post from people with kids?! I am sorry to say this, I am glad you're not my friend! Have you ever asked her how she's coping with the kids, offered to help her in any way? I am glad my friends didn't give up on me when my kids were little!
It happened so many times when I thought right! I've got 10 min to sit down and send a text to my friends. Sent said text and then just as I type another one, a poo exposion happened or some other thing and I was sure I actually sent the reply but never did! Or simply forgot about the texts...
At this stage, your friendship will be one-sided because she just doesn't have much time, and if you are a good friend, you can make the effort and not make it all about you.

OP ime the young-children life stage can interfere with friendships in so many ways. I have a friend who is involuntarily childless and I remember vacillating a lot about meeting her with kids in tow or at kid friendly places. Just wasn't sure how she'd take it.

Maybe focus more on other child-free friends for now and keep channels open for when the kids get bigger. It's a bit shit, I know - one of my best fiends is currently a write-off as her kids are 1 and 5 - but I've had friendships recover too. x

You need to suggest doing child friendly stuff like going to the soft play.

She'll be assuming she can only see you without DCs/in the evening/need childcare.

Are you free on weekday mornings, as that's probably the most convenient time for her to meet?

You can't really catch up at a soft play when she's got 2 young kids ime. She's going to be focused on chasing round after the little ones.

I think you are being needy and over the top to be honest. This will be one of the hardest life stages for her, having two small children. One around a year old? Life has ups and downs and you cant expect friendships to stay constant.

Im sure she does care about you and value your friendship but it yes she does have other people and things higher up on her priorities. That's normal.

I can almost guarantee she doesn't look down on you for being single and childless though. You just have less in common and less compatible lifestyles these days

It doesn't mean give up though.

And her sending you a photo of the kids or whatever is her initiating contact. Even without a "hi how are you" attached. She thought of you and wanted to share some of her life with you. That's good, no?

All of this. I think you're overthinking it and need to focus on other friends for now. When mine were smaller it was just easier to meet up with other mums. Even soft play was easier with other families - our kids were more entertained but I still had to keep an eye on them and couldn't manage involved conversation.

I don't think she has demoted you, just that life is busy and she probably doesn't realize how much time has passed. I'd reply to your last conversation and say hey how's your week?

Also, I have lots of friendships where I almost always message first - I'm more outgoing and chatty! I just don't think about it. Your friend messaged you last week. She hasn't forgotten you.

I don’t know what question you’ve texted but some of them can’t be answered immediately.
You are clearly on different stages of life and her life is quite full on. She also doesn’t feel the need to reach out for you frequently . I have a friend like this she would love to meet up and go to a concert but she doesn’t need someone to chat about life (we both have DC , but mine has additional needs so very different life) .
Your friend prefer to mix up with other parents to discuss nurseries and schools and places to visit because she needs this info or share experiences and get the advice about feeding/ crawling/ reading/ swimming etc. She also works, eats, sleeps, spends time with her husband and maybe close relatives and then nothing left for you. Yes, it’s partly because you are single but it’s partly because of her personality. A lot of people on this thread said that they made some effort with friends at this stage or at least communicated in the way that friends felt valued. Your friend is different. She is not bad or good just different.
She might come back to you later if you have some sort of common interest or hobby.

This is what I'm feeling. It feels a little rude. Its been over a week now since I sent my reply message. Surely a mum has 30 seconds to respond. And judging from social media, she is still seeing other people, other mums, however. I guess im not in the club.

Op, with the greatest of respect - forget about her as she has you. It's the biggest cop out to suggest that she hasn't got a moment to message you or the inclination to invite you out, despite the fact you have offered to do child friendly activities to fit into her world! Move on, join meet up groups and make some new mates. She's made it very very clear that you're not a priority and by not taking the hint another piece of your self respect gets chipped away. As horrible as it is, you have been replaced by her new mummy mates. Let's just hope she doesn't take a stumble and needs a good friend in the future, because I know where I'd be - nowhere to be seen!

Two very young children is a draining and relentless stage of life. For most people, it's all you can do to scrape up the dregs of time to do something for yourself or pay attention to your relationship for a few hours, much less cultivate your friendships. Seeing childfree friends is very difficult, particularly if you are the mother and primary carer and your partner isn't necessarily great at taking the lead with the kids so you can go out solo.

Sure, everybody technically has thirty seconds to return a text. But it's not about the time. It's about the mental and emotional load, and the fact that your head is full, all the time, with everyone's competing needs, and there is just no space on most days for anything beyond survival and maybe an hour of mindless scrolling if you're lucky. Your friend isn't shit, and it's not personal. On top of this, your life revolves around DC and DC tend to be, at best, a boring subject for childfree people; at worst, a deeply painful one.

You haven't given any indication that your friend is actually being cold or unfriendly. So you have two choices; you can decide your friend is a bad friend and end the friendship. Or you can accept that at this particular stage of life your friend does not have the same capacity to be the friend they were before and lean more on other relationships, because the old friend will return slowly as this stage passes. If all your female friends seem to be in the getting-married-and-knocked-up stage right now, cultivate some broader relationships, perhaps with older women whose DC are out of the very dependent stage. It's your choice. But one option ends with your long-standing relationship returning in time, and one doesn't.

I don't think you're right to think you're "lesser" or that she thinks that because you're single and I think it's just as possible she feels that you're not going to be as interested in her as you have an excited single life and she's a boring married with kids. My point is either could see the other's life as more exciting.

I think it's more likely that:

• She spends more time with friends who have young children the same age as hers. Does she work? I have a young child and I only have one day off plus weekends so my weekday free time tends to be with other friends with kids so our DC can play and weekends are family time. Saying that, I do make time for my good friends who I want to spend time with even if they don't have kids. It's nice you've said you wouldn't mind soft play but I think I'd rather go with friends with kids as my DC would prefer that.

• Could she actually be down about things or not have as supportive a partner as you think? She could just be exhausted.

• Some people are just a bit rubbish with messages and in some relationships I have found I am the one who has made more effort over the years. I tend not to ignore messages for long even though I work a lot and have a young child whereas others can just not rely to things or have generally only made an effort when I do - I don't really make time for those people who don't reach out to me anymore.

I can understand why you feel a bit sad but I think it's just life and the way it goes. Has it been more 2 sided in the past? I wonder if it was always you making a bit more effort. Do you have other friends? If so, make more time for them. Don't run around after someone who makes you feel less than.

Update.

So we met up a few weeks ago with her kids, and it was nice. We were out a long time and she said before I left that it had been nice to see me. I said same.

Now we're back to where we were. 3 weeks passed with nothing from her so I texted to ask if all ok, she replied straight away and said yes all fine but shes been busy, told me a bit about her week, and asked how I was.

I replied in response to what shes been up to and telling her what i'd been up to. She briefly responded back. I then replied and asked if she fancied meeting up again soon and i've not had a reply since. Its been 2 weeks lol.

I think im finallyyyy getting the message that she just isn't interested anymore since having the kids. Being in different life stages for her must be an issue.

The problem is, its her birthday in two weeks. Normally for each others bdays we get each other a gift and card. But im feeling awkward because I don't think I should this year based on how im being treated. Another friend suggested I just post a card and that be it but it will be the 1st time since school that i havent got her a bday gift. She will be 34 so not a major birthday. On the other hand i think she obviously isnt bothered about our friendship anyway so it wont matter if i dont get anything

Don't fall out with her - it sounds like she's making a pretty good effort to stay in touch for someone with young children.

Timing can be tough on friendships. I've drifted from friends who had children when I was not even contemplating it, and then years later drifted from single friends when I had DS, and then also from friends who had older children and were busy running after them. In no case has it been intentional, and these friendships sometimes return to full strength when circumstances allow. It really, really isn't personal.

I agree with this. I’ve got really good friends I’ve known a similar length of time - physical distance and having kids at different times meant that we didn’t see much of each other for years really. But now we’re back in contact and go away together just the two of us for a couple of weekends a year. I would send a lovely gift and a card and keep the text side of the friendship and give it time and accept that meet ups will be further apart for now.

I could understand, but you say to keep the 'text side' of the friendship. But there isn't even that anymore! And that is what I find most difficult. I get not being able to meet up so much I do. But I don't agree with not having time to text if you were interested/bothered about a friend.

It has become completely one sided with me making all the effort. And I don't think just because i'm the single one that should be the case?

I thought I had picked up that you were texting each other. My friend doesn’t like texting or phone calls so we only message to plan our meet ups. It sounds as though you’re in the same place you were when you saw more of each other than she’s in a slightly different place. You miss what you had, which I would too. The risk is causing self fulfilling prophecy where you feel resentful and act a little differently, your friend struggles a little with the weight of expectation and then a years old valuable friendship gets damaged. It’s your choice what you do. I certainly think you should widen your net of close friends. I have a lovely single friend who I met through work years ago now. Our lives are in very different places but we enjoy each others company. She knows I need to plan out next meet up weeks and months in advance because that’s where I am in my life at the moment. We used to make plans on Thursday for that weekend but I can’t do that now. She’s accepted that. She spends more time with other friends but our friendship is still equally respectful and enjoyable.
disappointment is unmet expectation. Only you can decide if you want to adapt your expectations of your friend or if what is on offer now is enough for you.

I think there's quite a lot of dismissing your feelings on here OP. Everything you say is correct imo - you shouldn't have to do all the running in friendship, regardless of circumstances it really isn't too much to ask for a text every now and again along with a firm plan to meet up. Just because you're the single, childless friend doesn't make your feelings any less valid - you count too!

Thank you, I agree with this