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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I (F27) feel like my marriage with (M29) is falling apart due to his sexual preferences

74 replies

Insertnameheree · 05/03/2023 11:13

Hi guys, trying to keep this as short as possible. Want to start by saying sorry im not native to English, if you find some faults please read past them!

So, my husband of now nearly 3 years has an addiction to women. Not as in, physically cheating, but through the internet. I first noticed when my husband wanted to show me something and scrolled through his photo album which had a bunch of women pics that he forgot to delete. (This occasion was a bit after we got married) All of them thick women, big bum etc. Let's just say, I am not like that. I do think I have a beautiful body though, but I don't have the biggest bum. I didn't think too much of it at the time, don't know why. Just kept on living. Couple months later he was watching a video on Facebook and when he swiped down to the next vid I saw another girl who was being sexually there lets say. This is I think when the alarm bells started ringing and I remembered the pics he had saved.

Now, I am in no means proud of this and actually pretty ashamed of it but this is when I started to check his socials. I saw his Facebook videos were full of girls, thick girls yet again and his algorithm kept up showing. I found out you can see the videos someone has watched and it was full of that type of videos. His websearch was full too with all different kind of thick women pornsites. So did his instagram even though he tried to delete it. I felt disgusted and didn't look at it again. I had a conversation with him about it and he pretty much denied everything, sweet talked to me and I guess I just accepted that. This is around 2 years ago.

I tried to not let it bother me, still had sex in that time. I think almost a year ago I logged in again and found all the same stuff. In my mind he stopped all of that cause we were fine together, I even found old fake accounts of his, he didn't use them anymore but it was full of content like that too. Saved pictures from girls that he send to another fake account. I would say around a 100 pictures he had saved. He used that account in the beginning of our relationship but I could see it wasn't active anymore.

From this period of time we didn't have sex again. I felt disgusted, and even the thought of having sex gave me the biggest ick. It still does. I still check his socials from time to time and it still shows up the same type of content. I honestly don't know what to do. We are great friends. We have an amazing future ahead of us (a lot of upcoming plans). But I feel like I just can't get past this. I had talks with him about it throughout the last years even recent ones, told him I think he is addicted and yet he would still say he's not and it's not him watching those things.

I want to have sex with the man I married, and I want to have an amazing marriage but I think it has turned me into someone who got insecure about herself. Not also that, just knowing he has an addiction to all of that also makes me turned off. I feel like it is very childish and something he should have managed to stop throughout out marriage but he didn't.

How can we genuiely get past this? I feel disrespected and literally build a wall around myself

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 05/03/2023 18:34

You haven't had sex for nearly a year, OP, and it sounds as though he's quite happy with that because he is addicted to online porn.

OP, you don't want to spend your life in a sexless marriage with a porn addict. Please don't. You can't change men who are so porn-addicted that they'll ignore the loving and attractive wife beside them.

By the way, 'thick' in UK slang means stupid. I think we all understood that you meant plump or curvy, but just so you know.

I wish you a happy future with a normal man who loves you.

QueefQueen80s · 05/03/2023 19:24

Finding out someone I loved had an obsession with super slim women when I'm curvy hurt me so much and gave me the ICK. How can I compete. I'd rather be with someone who loves my body type otherwise it's permanent insecurity.
So I get you OP.

Just out of interest, how do you check what videos they like on Facebook? I know how to check photos they've liked.

DutchCowgirl · 05/03/2023 19:54

@thedankness in my country we call it “Porna”: porn for women, made by women in a woman-friendly way.
Why do you think it is impossible to make erotic videos without commodifying anyones body?
yeah maybe Elon Musk doesn’t see it as an appropriate career, but who cares. I’m not discussing with my sons they should become ceo of Twitter either.

Insertnameheree · 05/03/2023 19:55

QueefQueen80s · 05/03/2023 19:24

Finding out someone I loved had an obsession with super slim women when I'm curvy hurt me so much and gave me the ICK. How can I compete. I'd rather be with someone who loves my body type otherwise it's permanent insecurity.
So I get you OP.

Just out of interest, how do you check what videos they like on Facebook? I know how to check photos they've liked.

Yes! It's the, how do I compete, but also, the amount of use is just insane to me. I get men watch porn but watching videos of women throughout the day is just not okay to me. Also, most of those videos aren't even porn it's just curvy girls appearing in videos. Some dance some don't do anything you just see their body. Kind of a fetish at this point.

Logged information! You can't see which ones they liked but you can see which ones they've watched.

My settings are in my own language, but if im not mistaken it's 'settings' 'activity logbook' and then scroll down to the last option 'activities and other'

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 05/03/2023 20:29

Ahh okay so you have to be logged in as them?

And yes it's grim, I couldn't stay with someone like that. And didn't!

username1722 · 05/03/2023 22:53

He sounds like an idiot.

It's normal to find other people attractive, but he sounds obsessed with a certain type of body, which obviously isn't your body.

If you stay with him, he will cripple your self-esteem. I know you want the perfect marriage but you are not going to get that from this guy.

thedankness · 06/03/2023 21:21

Don't mean to derail the thread because OP personally feels the issue is with the addiction and hiding element, but if there's money involved then of course it is impossible to create an erotic video without commodifying a woman's body and/or sex itself. That's the definition of a commodity - in porn the body is bought (by the pornographers initially, then the consumers either directly or indirectly via advertising) and becomes a product consumed for the purpose of sexual arousal and orgasm, whilst providing profit for the pornographers.

The point about Elon Musk was to highlight both the power and gender imbalance in porn. Powerful people with options don't become porn stars and when we talk about porn stars we are mostly talking about women because they are the product.

Insertnameheree · 06/03/2023 21:23

QueefQueen80s · 05/03/2023 20:29

Ahh okay so you have to be logged in as them?

And yes it's grim, I couldn't stay with someone like that. And didn't!

Yes you have to be logged in! Applauding you, I hope I can decide to do the same

OP posts:
LYDIAtyto · 06/03/2023 23:55

I totally understand where you are coming from.I have exactly the same problem with my husband.I don't understand why they do it but basically it makes me physically sick,lowers your self esteem and i had to go for counselling.Like yourself he was looking at fit young sexy oriental women,totally different from me.It was his behaviour that caught him out sneaking off to the bathroom with his fone all the time for ages and I became suspicious so I checked every time and yes he was online.He even started to get messages off sexmessenger which I found but he denied it he said I was paranoid and had mental health issues.I started doubting myself so I snooped through his fone and took fotos so I knew I wasn't going mad.when I confronted him, he lied i said I had evidence and then he told me it was out of boredom,and he didn't know why he was doing it.I have been at the stage where it started making me physically ill and I couldn't cope.I spoke to him about how it made me feel which was in Dec last year,and things seemed to be ok.However the last few weeks his behaviour of off to the bathroom with his fone has started again.so I snooped through his fone and viewing of dirty sex women in his history came up.so I think speaking about it is a waste of time.But please don't let it trouble you like it has me.If you don't look at other men then he shouldn't do it to you,I am of the view that if men want to do that then they shouldn't be in a relationship.so I don't know what the answer is for you, but I just wanted to say you are not alone.stay strong.

Moser85 · 07/03/2023 04:08

DutchCowgirl · 05/03/2023 11:39

Have you talked to him about it ever since that talk 2 years ago? You don’t talk about not having sex?
Shouldn’t you get help with talking more together, like therapy?

I think the lack of talking is a bigger red flag than watching porn.
A lot of men watch porn… it isn’t always a bad thing. I don’t think you should make it that personal. I like seeing pictures of big muscled men like Jason Momoa… and my DH looks completely different. But I wouldn’t want to trade him in a million years , I bet Jason Momoa can’t make such good lattes and help my son doing maths as my DH can😉

Love to look at a pic of Jason Momoa from time to time myself 😂
But it would be completely different if it was a constant habit and masturbating over the pics constantly.

Moser85 · 07/03/2023 04:25

JessieLongleg · 05/03/2023 15:12

@cpphelp @Insertnameheree

Thick doesn't mean curves you can be thin with big boobs etc. Originally thick are bodies like Serena Williams. It's American slang in the UK it meant you were stupid. Next door is curvey and put on weight due to IVF and as a dancer was very aware of it. I said you're now thick and she took such offence as never heard the American meaning lol. I used to be called thick at 6 why the bullies laughed at my wider thighs. Porn has redefined the word thick many women who used the word have no wish to now and it's been defined differently by the mainstream.

Yeah there's also 'slim thick'.

Curvy bodies look softer than 'thick' bodies. 'Thick' bodies are more solid with muscle.

bigbloom · 07/03/2023 08:28

Thick is just curvy now, hourglass. Not slim, larger.

Don't know anyone who's call Serena Williams thick, she'd be sporty or athletic build.

QueefQueen80s · 07/03/2023 10:08

LYDIAtyto · 06/03/2023 23:55

I totally understand where you are coming from.I have exactly the same problem with my husband.I don't understand why they do it but basically it makes me physically sick,lowers your self esteem and i had to go for counselling.Like yourself he was looking at fit young sexy oriental women,totally different from me.It was his behaviour that caught him out sneaking off to the bathroom with his fone all the time for ages and I became suspicious so I checked every time and yes he was online.He even started to get messages off sexmessenger which I found but he denied it he said I was paranoid and had mental health issues.I started doubting myself so I snooped through his fone and took fotos so I knew I wasn't going mad.when I confronted him, he lied i said I had evidence and then he told me it was out of boredom,and he didn't know why he was doing it.I have been at the stage where it started making me physically ill and I couldn't cope.I spoke to him about how it made me feel which was in Dec last year,and things seemed to be ok.However the last few weeks his behaviour of off to the bathroom with his fone has started again.so I snooped through his fone and viewing of dirty sex women in his history came up.so I think speaking about it is a waste of time.But please don't let it trouble you like it has me.If you don't look at other men then he shouldn't do it to you,I am of the view that if men want to do that then they shouldn't be in a relationship.so I don't know what the answer is for you, but I just wanted to say you are not alone.stay strong.

It's as if they physically can't stop themselves despite how much it hurts us or what they could lose. An addiction.

1Fedup2023 · 07/03/2023 13:21

You sound just like me, and 17 years later the husband has decided he cant hide any more and wants to separate so he can be his "true self"
I thought it was a faze but it just turned into more more serious relationships online

Insertnameheree · 07/03/2023 15:41

Alright I just went from childish to next level childish. F

OP posts:
Insertnameheree · 07/03/2023 15:42

Alright I just went from childish to next level childish. Found out my husband often logs out from his Facebook, meaning he has another account that I don't know about.

*sorry I acidentally clicked post without finishing my post

OP posts:
Insertnameheree · 07/03/2023 15:44

I am really sorry you have to go through that, wishing you a lot of strength... You too will get over it and will mentally feel better. Thank you for giving me the realization that this isn't going to change

OP posts:
1Fedup2023 · 07/03/2023 15:54

@Insertnameheree The sad thing is about this addiction, is before the internet and smartphones this behaviour / addition was so much harder to sustain, they only had magazines and videos not all this live interaction thats what makes me sad about the whole thing

Insertnameheree · 07/03/2023 16:08

Honestly, let him leave. You will be so much better off without him. Havent caught my man doing that but I would be in pieces. This is no way to love. I know how you're feeling, feeling numb. Not even suprised anymore after all of that. Feeling like you have to investigate every little thing. I get it. A 100%. But the only right answer to this is leave... How much strength it may take

OP posts:
JessieLongleg · 10/03/2023 14:14

@Moser85

I'm the kinda woman that loses 20 kg and only an inch off the thighs. I'm curvy and thick every person I have been with tells me I am so soft and strong at any weight. I'm gutted with my health problems with my back and leg having to ask for help lifting I'm just not used to it. Also 5ft10 smallest hips a size 16.

My husband is into skinny women and and makes it clear he doesn't find me attractive. Called my tummy disgusting at 6 months pregnant. When I got to hospital the nurses said i didn't look look 9 months. Even the midwife that looked after me got with the double heart shape bum, curves, big lips and natural golden hair in the UK I'm less attractive to men.

Most of the influencers and porn workers have had plastic surgery even if the curves came natural they have had tummy reduced. As eventually they get offered a discount for the cosmetic surgery if they share it on the profile

QueefQueen80s · 10/03/2023 18:11

JessieLongleg · 10/03/2023 14:14

@Moser85

I'm the kinda woman that loses 20 kg and only an inch off the thighs. I'm curvy and thick every person I have been with tells me I am so soft and strong at any weight. I'm gutted with my health problems with my back and leg having to ask for help lifting I'm just not used to it. Also 5ft10 smallest hips a size 16.

My husband is into skinny women and and makes it clear he doesn't find me attractive. Called my tummy disgusting at 6 months pregnant. When I got to hospital the nurses said i didn't look look 9 months. Even the midwife that looked after me got with the double heart shape bum, curves, big lips and natural golden hair in the UK I'm less attractive to men.

Most of the influencers and porn workers have had plastic surgery even if the curves came natural they have had tummy reduced. As eventually they get offered a discount for the cosmetic surgery if they share it on the profile

Why are you still with someone like that!? 😢

JessieLongleg · 11/03/2023 13:08

@Moser85

When we were first together I stayed between size 18-20 and was always dieting so I suppose that fitted in with his views. Now I'm a size 22, 8 months breastfeeding after a c section he doesn't like it because I'm not apologizing to no one. Totally get that a long term balanced diet is better than fad diets and my body is not going to balance out till 6 months post breastfeeding. He doesn't like that I don't give a shit about my body in the same way as he does. He is totally grossed out at a pregnant body having boobs full of milk freaks him out. Was hoping to get some marriage counseling to talk it out and/or get a plan of divorce for the future.

Back to what the post is about my husband has always watched porn but it's never been something I find degrading to women. And it was never in the way of our sex life. Same now the views he has are pushed through all kinds of media and he isn't any more into porn. But I've lived with girls in a sex industry and they are more interested in money, just like most any other business, then anyone's husband. And in 10 years time, whatever the trend is then for popular bodies, sex workers will adapt themselves to fit into what their audience wants to make more money. I have more respect for women that don't change themselves to fit in. Like my friend who is thick thin working in sex industry in the late 90s and didn't get her curves reduced. It's very sad but women were then in terms of cosmetic surgery it was more popular for women to reduce their lips than pump them up.

ehsouh · 11/03/2023 13:29

'Thick' or 'thicc' is an internet slang term for curvy. Nothing wrong with OP's usage.

No one has pointed out that men can be attracted to a range of body types, it does not mean he is not attracted to you.

With that said, you don't have to be OK with porn, content or frequency is irrelevant.

I have no advice, sorry. 💐I sympathise. Majority of women take issue with it at some point and many would love to have a porn-free relationship.

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