Need help

[Sharetheheart]

Hello, I’m a mother of three lovely children. I’m married and I’m seriously thinking of ending it. He is deep down a good man . He has never hit me but when we argue , he calls me names , says such hurtful things, and mimics me taking the piss out of me . He then goes into a mood for days and this really effects the family . Once over , for years , I would beg, and cry , and then get annoyed at him because he wouldn’t talk about the argument , reason with each other and move on . So nothings ever gets solved . He would wait till I was so annoyed and then blame me and the cycle would start again . It would spoil so many times as a family .
I can’t give too much detail as someone may identify.
He is so good in many other ways .
He really struggles with compassion , with the children and myself and get very defensive so easily.
I just don’t know what to do ! I have tried for years n years to talk to him but I can’t . He can be so verbally nasty when he is on one . I wouldn’t mind so much if he the came and apologised as I understand we can all say things when we angry , hurt , etc but he never shows any remorse. Is this normal in a marriage? How can we improve our marriage if we can’t talk about it ? I don’t want a divorce but I can’t take anymore, what should I do ?

This sounds awful, and completely intolerable. You say he is so good in many other ways, I can't imagine what they might be, but it seems that he's certainly not able to offer any of the the fundamentals of a respectful relationship.
You don't say how old your children are or how long you've been married but what do you think this relationship is teaching your children? Your reference to him having no compassion for them is disturbing.
The prospect of leaving will be absolutely daunting, but this is no kind of way for you or your children to live.
Can you consider whether you have somewhere you and the children could move to? Even temporarily?

My children are 8, 10 and 13 . When I say he has no compassion, i mean , he is loving to them but when they argue with him ( typical kids stuff ) he has no empathy at all. Can never verbalise understanding. He is very closed off but not in a spiteful way to them . He never validates me or the children if the subject involves him .

How on earth is this man good in other ways?. Please stop deluding yourself that he is a good man. I would think your kids do not think of him as a good man.

What example of a relationship did your parents show you when you were growing up?. Your relationship bar here is pitifully low; the only "good" point you've written yourself re him is that he has not hit you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?. I think you missed that memo or were never taught that valuable lesson.

You cannot ever reason with an abuser so stop trying and help your own self and your kids get away from him for good. How can you be helped into doing this?. Would suggest you seek legal advice asap as knowledge here is also power. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid.

Not merely content with just abusing you and you also becoming inured to his abuses of you, he is now actively starting on your kids and harming them too. This will seep into how they conduct their own adult based relationships particularly if you choose to stay with him. Divorce is not failure OP, living like this is.

Whenever I read “he’s good in other ways”, it nearly always means he works and she’s a SAHM. If that is the case, you are getting nothing out of this relationship.

Hes good by he is very helpful around the house , I don’t work atm havnt for a while (he’s happy with that so i can do all school runs etc and we do not know childcare at all ) makes life much easier but he’s not resentful in me not working. That’s kind . He ll go places I book like trips / days out / weekends away etc . He’s supportive if I have any other problems like my cancer scare / family issues etc depression etc He’s never jealous of me . He encourages me to go out with friends etc . He can be kind , leaves me little small gifts every now n then . He’s supportive in our life . I’m not perfect tho either , I’m very insecure (my past) I need a lot of reassurance (I’m working on that) I’m sensitive (my past) I can get very anxious (which is difficult to live with) I can be very short fused (hard to live with) I worry about Everything (very hard to live with ) and I can be critical to him ( I’m working on that too ) but I’m compassionate, loving , easy to talk to , always wanting to learn , grow , grow as a family etc . I was abused by my mother .

A man who verbally abuses you is not a good man deep down…

It’s not kindness that he wants you to stay at home. Its to give you less power to ever leave.

I really don’t think it’s a power thing at all me staying at home . It is a makes life a lot easier thing and a kind thing . He loves hearing if I’ve had a good day , meeting friends for lunch , swimming , running etc

Sorry OP but I think you are wrong. How would he react if you said you were going to go back to work?

I think the key here is you were abused by your mother as a child.

This has been your blueprint for relationships. And now you are in an abusive relationship with your partner

Stop finding faults with yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like this. It's not your fault

More importantly you know and can see your children being affected. If you don't stop this now this will also become their blueprint for their future too.

Speak to womens aid. I know you want advice on saving this. But i don't think it is salvageable.

I would also get some therapy. To work through what happened to you as a child. To understand this isn't normal. And that you deserve much much better.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

You were abused by your mother (not your fault and that is all on her) and now you people as a family unit are being abused by your husband. That is no coincidence OP; your mother set you up good and proper into tacitly accepting abusive treatment as an adult. She thought that was all you deserved. BTW where is your dad here; is he still around?.

He is trying to buy you off with non apologies in the form of gifts ; this is his nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. This cycle of abuse also is a continuous one.

Your abuser H will take your compassion and beat you about the head with it. You cannot rescue him nor save him from his own self. Such men too hate women and ALL of them. You can only help your own self and your children ultimately. Sadly for you as a child, no-one bothered to help you or show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like but your children do not have to suffer similarly now. You have a choice re this man and they do not.

The fact that you say he doesn’t hit you as if this was some sort of achievement is worrying

Have you ever had therapy re your abuse at the hands of your mother?. It appears now but you need this like yesterday frankly. As I've already mentioned its no coincidence you are with an abusive man now; she indeed set you up good and proper into tacitly accepting abuse from others. She damaged your blueprint for relationships.

And keeping you at home is what he wants too; he can keep tabs on your there. Its not done by him as a form of kindness.

So sorry you were abused by your mother. How awful. Sadly this sets your expectation for your relationship with him. Its not your fault and I dont think you should make excuses for your behaviour.

He is manipulating you - being nice, not nice… You deserve better, you really do

But is it this Black n White . I speak to a few close friends who know him and they say ( everyone calls / says things they don’t mean in arguments) I understand this but it’s what goes on afterwards that truely bothers me . I’m sensitive, so when he takes the mic out of me and calls me horrible like lazy cunt (he apologised straight away for it) only coz he knows he went too far with that one , then I struggle to get over it . And he certainly doesn’t show any remorse. That’s the hard bit . He doesn’t call me bitch or things like that . He pushes and pushes me till I get frustrated then he looks me up n down and always blames me for shouting . I have zero family , only some good caring long time friends . I kills me to think I’m affecting my children’s future . Omg that’s gut wrenching . They are the most precious thing to me and I’ve stayed soo long because I didn’t want to break the family up which he will blame me for . I scared of being on my own too (how pathetic) but I am

So your friends husbands call them lazy c’s and take the piss out of them as well and they think its ok? It is NOT ok. This makes me so sad. Does he call you names in front of DCs?

No , never . He’s called me abusive and violent before infront of them which really hurt , that was when I pushed him away in a argument, I pushed his body .

Sharetheheart
re your comment in quote marks that I have separated out

"But is it this Black n White . I speak to a few close friends who know him and they say ( everyone calls / says things they don’t mean in arguments) I understand this but it’s what goes on afterwards that truely bothers me" .

His friends have a low bar also when it comes to relationships and what you're describbing here is domestic abuse, not just mere arguments. He manufactures arguments to put you on the defensive and make you look mad/bad..

"I’m sensitive, so when he takes the mic out of me and calls me horrible like lazy cunt (he apologised straight away for it) only coz he knows he went too far with that one , then I struggle to get over it."

You do not have to get over any insult he calls you. After all he does not call the neighbours or his work colleagues lazy cunts; no its for you and in turn your kids this abuse of you is aimed at. Yuor H hates women, ALL of them.

"And he certainly doesn’t show any remorse. That’s the hard bit."

Abusers never apologise nor show any remorse for their actions. Its always someone else's fault, never their own.

"He doesn’t call me bitch or things like that.

That does not make what he does any better either; its no consolation. Did your mother call you this?. That was my first thought on reading your comment.

"He pushes and pushes me till I get frustrated then he looks me up n down and always blames me for shouting".

Any he is manufacturing arguements and making you feel mad or bad.

"I have zero family , only some good caring long time friends."

Use only the friends you can trust as a further means of support as well as writing on here and using Womens Aid

" It kills me to think I’m affecting my children’s future . Omg that’s gut wrenching. They are the most precious thing to me and I’ve stayed soo long because I didn’t want to break the family up which he will blame me for . I scared of being on my own too (how pathetic) but I am"

He will blame you indeed but that is what his MO is anyway. He will never accept fault; in his head he has done nothing wrong when it comes to you.
You are not pathetic at all; you've been hard wired into tacitly accepting abuse from your mother and she and your husband are the ones who are pathetic; not you. You have a choice re this man and you should not stay with him any longer now. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What you're teaching your kids here about relationships affects them too; you two are providing the reference points for their own adult relationships.

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one and you're in a marriage of one in this marriage. You are alone now within it. You would not be on your own necessarily going forward because you have your children but staying with this man will stop you from finding happiness with another.

He calling you abusive and violent is wrong; he is this and its DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender) from him. Look up DARVO; this is one of many techniques abusers use on their chosen target.

This is DARVO and this is one technique amongst many he is using on and against you.

First you have Deny – that’s pretty self-explanatory. You’ll see the person accused of wrongdoing simply denying that that’s the case; ‘I do not hold those views’, ‘I never said that’, ‘I did not do that bad thing’.

The Deny stage is where gaslighting starts to come into play, with the person often trying to simply deny someone else’s lived reality. ‘No, that doesn’t happen’, ‘no, you’re making that up’, or ‘that might have happened, but it’s not as bad as you say it is’.

Then there’s Attack bit. This is when the accused person will turn around the
criticism to focus blame on the person calling them out. So let’s say a celebrity was called out by someone on Twitter – they might go into attack mode by accusing that person of just being jealous, or bitter, or a liar.

Finally, you’ve got the Reverse Victim and Offender stage. This is where things get sneaky and subtle. Suddenly, the accused person will turn things around and say that actually, they’re not guilty of doing something terrible. In fact, they are the ones being treated poorly.

In this stage, you might see someone introduce their own trauma as an excuse or a distraction tactic. They’ll respond to accusations of racism, for example, with a story about how they faced gender discrimination when they were younger. Or they might focus their statement on how they feel ‘bullied’ by the accusations, so those reading feel that the person who has been called out is actually the victim, facing online abuse rather than being challenged on their actions.

Thankyou for your response, it really does mean a lot . A lot of that makes sense to me but I don’t feel like I’m reading about him . I have told him many times I feel verbally and emotionally abused by him and he is disgusted at that accusation! Because he does so much around the house and for me and children , he finds my feelings a insult . I find him very confusing. As for an apology , I do often get one but it always feels like I forced a one off him . That’s after days of stone walling , trying to talk through our arguments (because the argument wasn’t a healthy one)
I understand and believe, everyone argues from time to time in marriages but there’s a difference between a fair arguement with respectful outcome (or is that a fairytale way of thinking ?) and a abusive, nasty, unfair argument with no way of moving forward. Hope that makes sense . But this is my confusion, am I being realistic?

also , because of the nasty things he’s said to me in the past , I struggle to trust him , I don’t know who he really is deep down . Is he the nice man , supportive, caring man I know or the other . I honestly don’t think he is intentionally abusive , and certainly not a narcissist of anything like that , I think he has serious issues with confrontation, being questioned, called out on stuff . He holds so much in . He’s very confusing . Like he supported me with family issue. Tried his upmost to get us speaking again (very kind of him and I was always grateful of that) he cares about me health, etc etc so is this not a possibility that he really takes it to heart and feels badly fine by (because of his own insecurities) when I’m not happy with him . For years I’ve tried n tried to change myself . I wish I could laugh of his ways when we argue but I can’t . Sorry if this doesn’t make sense .
i feel so sad atm .

He doesn’t let me do much around the house , he insists , but then calls me lazy , don’t do anything! Confusing
he’s supported me with my family , but then in arguments, says no wonder people don’t like you . Confusing
He doesn’t want me to work but then calls me a lazy Cxxt for not working ! Confusing
Honestly, I’m not lazy at all , I love being out n about , sometimes feel I’m the only one who does and feel I drag my family around to try and have some ‘Family quality Time’ if I didn’t do this / arrange this I actually think we would do nothing .
I so don’t want a divorce but I can’t life like this anymore or should I just count my blessings and learn to deal with the rest

Who did your husband try to get you to speak to again?. I sincerely hope it was not your mother.

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course. ALL the words you write are all words an abused woman would write. No wonder you feel sad, he’s put you also this hole. Your mother started that process by abusing you as a child.

Why do you not want a divorce?. Where does that thinking come from?.

You cannot indeed live like this any more. It’s no life and the power and control balance is well in his favour.

Please DO NOT count your blessings and or learn to live with the rest. That option will surely destroy you and in turn your kids.

i can’t say , it’s too outing but because I missed this person so much (who was a actual narcissist, but I couldn’t see it back then) my husband tried for my sake . He honestly cares for me sometimes. A lot . He didn’t like my mother because of the way she spoke to me , treat me etc but helped me look after her when she was ill . She died 2 years ago . (I know , that’s a didnt story) He has been my rock at times , a lot of the years , so confused