Need help

[Sharetheheart]

Hello, I’m a mother of three lovely children. I’m married and I’m seriously thinking of ending it. He is deep down a good man . He has never hit me but when we argue , he calls me names , says such hurtful things, and mimics me taking the piss out of me . He then goes into a mood for days and this really effects the family . Once over , for years , I would beg, and cry , and then get annoyed at him because he wouldn’t talk about the argument , reason with each other and move on . So nothings ever gets solved . He would wait till I was so annoyed and then blame me and the cycle would start again . It would spoil so many times as a family .
I can’t give too much detail as someone may identify.
He is so good in many other ways .
He really struggles with compassion , with the children and myself and get very defensive so easily.
I just don’t know what to do ! I have tried for years n years to talk to him but I can’t . He can be so verbally nasty when he is on one . I wouldn’t mind so much if he the came and apologised as I understand we can all say things when we angry , hurt , etc but he never shows any remorse. Is this normal in a marriage? How can we improve our marriage if we can’t talk about it ? I don’t want a divorce but I can’t take anymore, what should I do ?

All your husband cares about is his own self and getting his needs to control you met. He certainly does not have your interests at heart and in fact never has either.

He’s more like a millstone around your neck than a rock.

I ll say it again, Thankyou so much for taking your time out in helping me here . It means a lot .
as for my children - can I ask , you say I need to set the example (I totally agree) but because he twists things so much to be my fault , will blame me for the marriage break up , etc How do they see me as a good example? I can’t tell them the truth as that would make them think bad of their dad (not fair on them) I can’t tell them how verbally horrible he could be coz that’s slagging him off to them and omg he would make sure we e we old go to war and he’d make sure he would make his kids believe he is a victim of me . That I fear ! And that would destroy me . So how do I teach my kids how to stick up for yourself and learn them to set your bar higher if I can’t tell the truth ? So I’m left with leaving my 3 kids very hurt n confused why the hell my mother broke up with my great dad . She’s nuts isn’t she . And very hard to please obviously!! That thought kills me .

OP, it sounds as though you both have behaviors that could be improved . You feel that you are being emotionally and verbally abused, and based upon your description of your own behaviors and responses you too may very well be abusive towards him.

There is no prize for being the less abusive of the 2 ; nor is saying that your parent was abusive towards you an excuse or justification for your behavior. You seem to feel as though you are a victim and that you are morally and emotionally on the high ground. There are no prize winners or better persons in this situation.

You seem to be 2 people who are both damaged and damaging towards each other. If you truly care about the relationship , you will both seek therapy or counseling.

If you don't want therapy to possibly improve your relationship then do it to ensure that you are not damaging your children.

I would think they know on some level that their friends parents relationships are not like their parents relationship. They see and hear far more than either of you realise, they know something is badly wrong here between you and dad and I sincerely hope they do not blame their own selves for their dads private based war against you.

You can and should tell them the age appropriate truth here. They need one parent who has their interests at heart, a parent they can fully rely on and trust and that person is patently not their father. As mentioned all he cares about us his own self. Not you and certainly not his children.

Therapy re your childhood and contacting Women’s Aid is recommended here. Do not ever embark on any joint counselling with your husband as it is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through in your marriage. It takes a lot of courage to recognize that something isn't working in your relationship and seek help. It is not normal for a partner to be verbally abusive, and it is not okay for your husband to call you hurtful names or mimic you. It is also not okay for him to refuse to talk about the issues in your relationship and blame you for everything.

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Without it, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment can build up over time, leading to bigger problems. It sounds like you have been trying to communicate with your husband for years, but it hasn't been successful. It may be helpful to seek out a marriage counselor or therapist who can help you both learn how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. A professional can help you identify patterns of behavior that are not serving your relationship and give you both the tools to build a stronger, more loving partnership.
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Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. Op can communicate very well, this is not the issue.

Perhaps counselling (on your own) will help you gain perspective.

He is nice/not nice and thats how it works, its a cycle. He calls you names, makes up for it, you think its not so bad and so it goes on. You identified it with him cleaning up, then using it against you to say you are lazy…

Mari9999 . Thank you for taking your time out with your response.
You are right, we are both damaged, or at least I know I am, and that’s because of my mother. I’m still working on myself , my self esteem and my confidence. I know I can be sensitive too .
I mentioned this, because Attila asked me what my relationship was like growing up with my parents. I don’t use it as an excuse at all . It is a reason why I am sensitive, I need reassurance alr and worry alot . I mentioned this to make clear that I’m not easy to live with. Not because I was trying to be a victim.

Of course there is no price , I’m on the verge of a divorce in which I’ve tried and tried to make work , improve myself, I’ve questioned myself over and over again , asking him often how I can help the situation in the marriage. I’ve cried so many tears over this for our sake and the children’s (ps I’m not trying to find pity there or sound like a victim, just saying the truth ) So I find you suggesting that I’m seeking a prize very unfair of you and quite insulting.

Ive tried for years to communicate with him , in which he tells me I’m boring him , constantly sarcastic, childish , invalidating , turning things around and is impossible to reason with .

Now , all I do , is leave him to sulk , can’t address anything, and just wait , till he decides to start speaking again .

As for I seem to thing I am a better person , erm yes , your right I do think that . I have never said such hurtful , nasty , disgusting things to him , ever . I couldn’t, and I’m proud I’m not like that . I better than than .

Your H targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you further. People like this do that and your mother failed you abjectly as a parent by abusing you.

You are a lot easier to live with than your H; you've basically been conditioned by others to think otherwise and that its all your fault.

I think I would easy to live with tbh if I was with a reassuring , loving , compassionate person . Or worked on myself so I don’t need reassuring at all (even better) or abit of both I guess would be nice . What do you mean he targeted me ? When ? I just don’t see him as a deliberate abusive , nasty person . Even tho he can speak like that sometimes.

Thankyou Floyd , and Channeling. We’ve tried counselling years ago . The counsellor wasn’t very good at all . Gave us no tools or advice what so ever . Just listened and listened week after week , it was draining. We both felt the same about it . I do think I need some though .

You probably did not think of your mother as being a deliberately nasty person either but she was and remains so because she abused you.

He targeted you because he sensed your vulnerabilities and poor boundaries associated with your childhood and has honed in on those to further bash you about the head with. Your children are also caught up in their father's private based war against you; they are also being harmed here by they seeing you as their mother being abused.

People with shark cages that need work will weigh any potential new relationship against the terrifying prospect of being alone. Some of the things that contribute to having a shark cage that’s a fixer-upper are:
1 Believing that you are fundamentally not good enough in some very important way. (Not pretty enough, or smart enough, or sophisticated enough, etc. )
2 Being raised with unhealthy relationships, especially domestic violence, as your primary model.
3 Being abused as a child, especially sexually abused.
4 Having your wants and needs continually disrespected as a child
5 Believing that you owe anyone who is “nice” to you a portion of your time and attention above a simple “thank you”.
6 Thinking that saying “no” is rude.
7 Being so starved for touch and/or love that you are willing to accept being treated as an object in exchange for touch and occasional affection.

The wrong counselling quite apart from being useless and a waste of time also does harm. Was this person a Relate counsellor?.

What you did not know then is that abuse is NOT a relationship problem.

While there can be benefits for couples who undergo couple’s therapy, there’s a great risk for any person who is being abused to attend therapy with their abusive partner.

Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship.

Please do not embark on any form of joint counselling with him ever again. Such men can and do manipulate counsellors quite easily into getting them into taking their side and you were not emotionally safe in those sessions. These types of men after all are master manipulators and you also have one of those in the shape of your H.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He's only a 'good' man when things are going his way!

Being with a man like this is bad for your dc - what kind of relationship are they seeing you model??

Do you have RL support?

Yes it was relate . It was terrible, every week we just sat there talking , getting annoyed tbh and she just sat n said to us , how did that make you feel ? Omg . That was it . We put a complaint in about her .

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That (download on kindle app and read discreetly)

so sorry this is happening to you

What is RL support ?

When we met , I don’t think I looked vulnerable . I was very independent, very successful, confident on the outside and in some ways I was on the inside . I had a good circle of friends and full of life . So I really don’t think he saw me as easy target .

Real life support

Only off a few close friends , that’s all .

How are you doing today OP?

Thankyou for asking , I’m feeling tearful and very alone . I know what I need to do . I’ve re read the messages on here again and I realised now that I’ve been making excuses up for him for years , believing him that I deserve his treatment because of x y z that he always makes me feel when he turns things around . I worried I’m going to regret leaving him because it will really upset my children , I worried about if I ll be able to be strong enough that my children won’t resent me for doing it and hopefully understand my decision. I think he ll make me pay for wanting to separate. He ll make things hard I think . He ll also make out he’s super happy and he ll enjoy see me suffer . My oldest can be challenging at times (just normal children’s stuff) but I’m worried he won’t support me in parenting the difficult times . He ll still want to see them and be part of their life which is brilliant . I probably worrying too much ahead .

I can imagine it’s very upsetting, but I’m glad you are seeing the light. You deserve better you sound a lovely person. The reason for your indecision is that sometimes he’s nice and then other times not. But thats how the manipulation works… Its easy to recall good times, focus on bad times to give you strength.

I think you need to make a plan. Dont tell him but work on how you’d manage financially. Could you get a job now the children are a bit older? What benefits could you be entitled to? If you have a good trusted friend, perhaps you could talk through a plan with them? I’d see a solicitor/talk to womens aid and citizens advice.

Children adapt - how do you know they are happy in this environment?

keep posting here for support