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Original poster

Boyfriend and other women

68 replies

Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 14:21

Hello. I want to know if you think I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve been seeing someone for a year and a half. We both have kids and live a little distance apart. I really like him and he likes me, but we haven’t said “I love you.” An issue keeps persisting that I think is going to end it.

While he was single he developed lots of different attachments to women— some of which stayed technically friends but others which crossed the line or were non-starters. However, he’s stayed “friends” with most of these people, including one which he admits he was (unrequitedly) in love with. He’s adamant I should accept these “friendships” and that to express concern over them is controlling. He thinks that any emotional stuff is fine as only physical is cheating.

I just don’t feel like that though. WWYD? We have spoken about it, but are at a brick wall.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 04/03/2023 14:25

Tbh can't see much hope or point continuing with this relationship. He refuses to compromise with his 'other' women for whatever reason.
He's not a keeper move on...

Zanatdy · 04/03/2023 14:29

If he’s not said I love you after 18 months I’d be worried. He doesn’t seem to respect your feelings if he’s not prepared to give up these women

DowntonCrabby · 04/03/2023 14:31

Oh love you are worth so much more than potentially being his forever second choice. If she snaps he’ll go running. Flowers

Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 14:39

So you don’t think I’m being controlling? It’s quite a specific type of friendship

OP posts:
username1722 · 04/03/2023 14:41

Leave him before you fall any further. He has no morals or boundaries. He's already set the scene to be able to gaslight you by saying that you're controlling if you express concern.

Why would you want to be with someone who is so attached to all these women and openly admits to being in love with one of them?

It'll only get worse and I wouldn't surprised if he does cheat in the future.

Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 14:43

He said he was in love with one of them, like years ago. I suppose the real issue is why he doesn’t seem to love me.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/03/2023 14:52

After 18 months if you're not in love but he told you he's previously been in love with one of his friends it's time to walk away.

Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 14:53

I think I am in love— I’ve just stopped from telling him because of this

OP posts:
TedMullins · 04/03/2023 14:54

If it isn’t working for you it’s much less hassle to end it rather than cling on and expect someone to change when they’re showing no signs of being willing to do so. Having said that, one of my good friends is someone I met on tinder almost a decade ago. We had 2 dates but both decided we didn’t fancy each other and have been friends ever since. However we didn’t even so much as kiss and never declared feelings for each other. If these women genuinely are just friends he chats to and no romantic feelings remain that’s different/less of an issue than women he does still hold a candle for.

Josette77 · 04/03/2023 14:58

He isn't in love with you. The other friendship isn't the issue. You deserve better. 💗

Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 15:01

Josette77 · 04/03/2023 14:58

He isn't in love with you. The other friendship isn't the issue. You deserve better. 💗

how do you mean it isn’t the issue? a red herring you mean

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 15:01

I think I’m definitely looking for things that might be up, yes

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 04/03/2023 15:02

He’s adamant I should accept these “friendships”
Is he, by gum? I know a phrase for that, it goes "Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more."

He thinks that any emotional stuff is fine as only physical is cheating.
😂😂😂
Prick.
What he really thinks is that you're a dozy mare who will believe his nonsense. You're not. Dump him.

I think I am in love— I’ve just stopped from telling him because of this
The great thing about 'thinking' you're in love is that you can 'think' yourself right out of it again. Every time you get mushy about him, remember what a prick he is.

he doesn’t seem to love me
Then walk away! Very quickly. We call it 'running'. Get the fuck away from him. Slam all doors behind - you don't want him following you. You'll be well rid of him. Go on. Today's a good day for that.

baileys6904 · 04/03/2023 15:03

A man can have friendships with women, whether they started out as such or not. Just because they keep in touch now means nothing

However if he hasn't said he loves you, and if you don't feel he does, stop putting up with it and fine someone that does

Original poster
Leopardlives · 04/03/2023 16:22

:-( ok thanks

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 04/03/2023 17:49

He thinks that any emotional stuff is fine as only physical is cheating.

Leopard, your narcissistic BF has engineered quite a set-up to maintain his ego supply. He feels entitled to use you and his harem to eat all the cake he wants, and he expects you to suck it up. He thinks he can keep you in line with his manipulative ‘you’re controlling’ tactic.

After 18 months he flaunts his other women and won’t say he loves you. His agenda is keeping you on the back foot so you’ll keep doing the pick me dance.

You really do need to bin this guy asap. You’ll never feel safe and he’ll destroy your self-esteem.

SleepySlumber · 04/03/2023 18:06

Yeah I wouldn’t be happy with this. Sadly you can’t change a person and if he is right for you then he will ditch these other women who he clearly just enjoys having around him to boost his ego. The fact he hasn’t said he loves you shows that unfortunately he’s just not there with you and tbh id cut your losses.

He probably also enjoys that you aren’t such a fan of these other girls - I dated a guy like that once who would constantly throw into the conversation all his other girl friends and how they’d flirted with him via text and show me to get a reaction. He strangely had no male friends - unsurprisingly lol.

Now I’m with a guy who yes he has female friends but I don’t have any concerns as he makes me feel loved and cared for and would never prioritise them over me.

There are plenty of decent respectful people out there who won’t treat you like this.

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2023 18:07

Someone who doesn't care that you are hurting and tells you you don't have the right to be upset, hangs around anyway and continues to repeat that behaviour and tell you basically to put up and shut up...that's not a nice person op.

Why would you date someone who isn't nice?
Nice should be the bare minimum in a partner.

Also, your boundaries are YOUR boundaries. You are entitled to be 'not ok' with whatever you want. You have the right to leave.

Don't hang around with anyone who tells you you don't have the right to your feelings. Or that disrespects and direguards your feelings so monumentally.

Stop trying to convince him that his obviously shitty behaviour is shit. He KNOWS. He just wants to gaslight you into feeling you are wrong to call him on it.

But you're not. And even if you were, so what? His behaviour still hurts you. So leave! You don't need to prove to him he is hurting you. You don't need to justify leaving. You just need to get away ASAP from anyone that makes you miserable.

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2023 18:10

Ps: it's called narcissistic triangulation (when abusers, YES abusers, play you off against other woman. Or the idea of other women).

It's emotional abuse.

And it's the domain of the psychopath and similar cluster b personalities.

So, run.
There's no fixing evil.

winterbegone · 04/03/2023 18:13

He's shutting his feelings off from you, emotionally unavailable, he would of told you he loved you by now if he did.
No way would I accept a man with female friends he's been involved with, don't be naive, he's not giving you what you want and I'd say probably a player that doesn't like to settle down and enjoys the company of plenty of women around him.

Original poster
Leopardlives · 05/03/2023 11:15

Do you think some men are like this always? Or do you think it is just to do with me? I’m

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 05/03/2023 13:05

It doesn't matter how many people are like this .... you only need to know that he is like this. It isn't you. It's him.

You deserve better.

Iusethem · 05/03/2023 13:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2023 13:08

Raise your standards. Yours are currently on the floor. This man is being quite clear as to how little he values you.

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 13:23

Leopardlives · 05/03/2023 11:15

Do you think some men are like this always? Or do you think it is just to do with me? I’m

It is only something to do with you to the extent that you are one of the two people involved. It has been 18 months and he hasn’t said he loves you but has told you that he was in love with someone else. It is time to cut your losses, this is going nowhere.

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