Boyfriend and other women

[Leopardlives]

Hello. I want to know if you think I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve been seeing someone for a year and a half. We both have kids and live a little distance apart. I really like him and he likes me, but we haven’t said “I love you.” An issue keeps persisting that I think is going to end it.

While he was single he developed lots of different attachments to women— some of which stayed technically friends but others which crossed the line or were non-starters. However, he’s stayed “friends” with most of these people, including one which he admits he was (unrequitedly) in love with. He’s adamant I should accept these “friendships” and that to express concern over them is controlling. He thinks that any emotional stuff is fine as only physical is cheating.

I just don’t feel like that though. WWYD? We have spoken about it, but are at a brick wall.

I do wonder whether I find it hard to be safe and secure. But yes

If you do find it hard, then what you need in a relationship is a very gentle and respectful partner. It's not about you enduring feelings you don't like due to your failings. It's about finding a partner who meets your own specific needs.

Yes, I think I do need to be told by someone that I am their special person. My current BF started off like that but stopped.

What do you do regularly that makes you feel that you are special?

You are definitely looking for external validation. You are looking for someone else's actions to make you happy/keep you secure. This is a common mistake. You are the person who is responsible for you, and so you are the one who has to do things to make you happy. This may include choosing people to be around who make you feel happy, but it involves a lot of other stuff too, and you are in charge of all of it. You have to take care of your feelings as if they were a child you had responsibility for. You are a human being, and as such, you need a lot of looking after. You need feeding and clothing and you need adequate rest and appropriate pastimes and means of obtaining enough money to afford what you need, and you need love and affection and emotional and mental security. You need to feel safe with all aspects of your life. You need to design these things yourself, and then facilitate them. Looking for a partner is something you can do once you have all this stuff taken care of. For now, work out what someone could do for you that would make you feel special to them. Then do it for yourself.

When I started doing this, I hugged myself. It felt absurd, but even just that small action helped me to feel a little bit more in control, and therefore a little bit more safe and secure.

If you get used to treating yourself well, you will stop tolerating anything less from anybody else. If you are doing things that make you feel good, and then you meet someone who treats you poorly, their behaviour will stand out like a sore thumb, and you'll immediately walk away. This isn't about you and how you have relationships with people. It isn't about other people's behaviour. This is about you, the way you feel about you, and the way you behave towards you.

he’s saying physical stuff is cheating but not emotional? Is he saying emotions are involved then in these friendships ?

Yes, he is

You’re being a mug and his treating you like one too.

ok so he seems to be saying he has feelings for someone else…

@Watchkeys such wise words

I think he was just saying that he expects to be able to have emotional intimacy with any friend, but yeah it doesn’t make great sense to me

Watchkeys that was useful thank you

Love isn’t words, OP, it’s actions. The words are nice to hear but they mean nothing if they’re not backed up by his behaviour.

Is his behaviour telling you that he loves you?

@BenCoopersSupportWren
he is loving towards me, which is why I haven’t straight dumped him over this

I met more than one man like this, they have these women circulating just out of view, that they may or may not have feelings for, but it's very convenient because unless you're secure and confident it leads to a pick me dance. Which benefits them hugely.

The thing is, he can tell you what you want to hear. He can tell you he loves you and he can tell you how special you are to him.

But I've learnt that unless someones actions mimic their words, thats all they are. Just words. So easy to say. The effort is in the actions.

If you tell him you love him and he says it back. And then continues to disregard your feelings over these intimate friendships with other women, what will you choose listen to?

Personally, for me, I could not be in a realtionship with someone who put my feelings last like that, or refused to even consider them and talk it through/reassure me. You have a bad feeling about these friendships for a reason. Its not like an old friend who goes back years, who he has introduced you to and feels no threat to your position with him. These are multiple women he had feelings for/relations with/tried to date. Its not controlling to want to be your partners number one person.

Yes.

Yes, I might give it a bit of time but this is our final reckoning point

Being loving is a consistent action, not one that can be neglected over certain issues, and then picked up again with others. He is disrespecting you, here. It's like saying that if someone is loving most of the time, but every now and again they call you a cunt-whore-from-hell, they're a loving partner. It's not the case. It's unsettling when someone is great most of the time but then has areas where they're disrespectful. You can't assume that your feelings will come high on his priority list with anything, if there's an area where he dismisses your feelings.

A relationship can't be judged on its good times. Lots of people can have a great time together for a while, but things change when, as a couple, you have to deal with conflict, and that's where you find out how loving and respectful a relationship is. We're all lovely when we get what we want. But when things go wrong, do we get angry? Violent? Abusive? Rude? Dismissive? Or do we choose the respectful path of taking everyone's feelings into account, and figuring out a solution that works for everybody?

Hitler was apparently a kind, loving and respectful man, as an extreme example. Great to have coffee and a cake with. Good conversationalist, great sense of humour. It doesn't mean anything if it's not backed up with respectful conflict resolution styles, as I'm sure you can see.