Boyfriend and other women

[Leopardlives]

Hello. I want to know if you think I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve been seeing someone for a year and a half. We both have kids and live a little distance apart. I really like him and he likes me, but we haven’t said “I love you.” An issue keeps persisting that I think is going to end it.

While he was single he developed lots of different attachments to women— some of which stayed technically friends but others which crossed the line or were non-starters. However, he’s stayed “friends” with most of these people, including one which he admits he was (unrequitedly) in love with. He’s adamant I should accept these “friendships” and that to express concern over them is controlling. He thinks that any emotional stuff is fine as only physical is cheating.

I just don’t feel like that though. WWYD? We have spoken about it, but are at a brick wall.

Ok, thanks for your direct views

Did you mean to post that link? Do you have any other tips or comments?

It depends if the relationship with other women was sexual or they had feelings for him in a way u do then it would be a problem

Healthy boundaries don't involve any kind of controlling. He can do what he likes, as can you. He can do stuff, emotionally/physically with other women, and call it cheating or not. As he wishes. You get to choose whether to keep him or not.

You are mixing this up. He is trying to get you to change, and you would like him to change. Healthy relationships don't work like this. Love him as he is, or leave him. Trying to change someone is controlling.

It’s quite likely that people might try to work these out isn’t it though @Watchkeys — possibly even have a row about it

But he's not prepared to work anything out is he.

His view is it's fine. You have to put up with it

He thinks as long as he doesn't fuck anyone it's okay to have someone he loves/loved kicking around.

But it's been 18 months. He doesn't love you. What are you waiting for?

In all honesty he probably still loves the unrequited love.

Yes, in the same way it's quite likely that lots of people will drink too much alcohol or eat too much sugar. Just because it happens a lot, it doesn't make it healthy.

Tell him what you need. Ask him if he'll give it to you. If he says yes, then stay and see if it works. Any other outcome is dismissive of your needs, and then you have the question: 'Do I want a partner who is dismissive of my needs?', and hopefully you'll have a healthy response to that question.

There doesn't have to be any wrangling when it comes to boundaries. Be clear, and talk about you. What you want, and what you need. Then ask the other person if they're up for the role.

Yes, good idea. I need emotional safety and private emotional space, and to be his strongest (with a woman) connection; his first choice

It sounds like he's already shown you that he isn't up for offering this, doesn't it?

What you're doing is a bit like saying 'I need to eat some ice cream', and then sitting down with a bowl of peas and hoping it'll change. He is who he is. He thinks it's ok to have these close emotional bonds with these women, and he's happy to accept that it makes you unhappy. His need for these friendships is more important to him than your happiness.

You've done your research. He's not offering what you want. It's time to move on.

Sounds complicated. Try but to lose any ire precious time on this.

Just tell him you love him and see what happens. He might feel the same. If he doesn't say it back then you can start to move forward with your life and find someone who adores you.

*try not to lose anymore precious time

That is such good advice. I might try it. Humiliating if he doesn’t though

It's not humiliating if he doesn't love you. It's not humiliating to say I love you to someone and for them to not say it back. It might not feel very nice, but it doesn't say anything about you and who you are, except in his opinion, which has no authority except the authority you assign to it yourself.

Yes, it's totally not ideal if he doesn't say it back. Hopefully he does!

It makes me sad that it seems you're not sure he will say it back.

You deserve to be loved and to feel loved and as humiliating as it would feel short term, long term you may actually meet someone who would shout it from the rooftop and you'll be so happy you made the decision to tell him no matter if it's the answer you want right now.

If he says 'I love you', will that make you feel fine about him seeing these other women, OP? I don't see the link between the two things, really. Surely you'll be just as unhappy with someone who says he loves you whilst having inappropriate relationships with women, as you are now?

So he hasn't said I love you but has said he did love his friend.... prick.
He's gaslighting you with the you're controlling comments. Walk away.

Yes, it would make a difference if he said he loved me. It’d make me feel much more secure.

And then you'd be fine with his relationships with the other women? 'I love you' would make everything as you want it?

Maybe, if he meant it, yes

If he says 'I love you', how will you know if he means it or not? If he keeps having these emotional relationships with these other women, which he knows cross your boundaries?

How can he love you when he doesn't respect or care for your feelings?

Words are meaningless if he doesn't follow them up with actions.

I do see what you mean. This is a new way of thinking about it for me

A healthy relationship is just that: 2 people relating to each other in a way that feels and is healthy to them both. It's not based on 3 little words. If he loved you, he wouldn't be dismissing your feelings, and you wouldn't need to hear the words because the relationship would make you feel safe and secure in the first place.