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Original poster

Is it me?

53 replies

Moonchild009 · 04/03/2023 03:03

My bf and I had an argument because he said that my energy towards him doing things, such as eating without me is odd. Today he told me he had joe and the juice for lunch (somewhere I introduced him to) and my response was “I’m jel”. I then went on to ask him questions about what he ate. We started chatting about the food, restaurant and lots of other things. Then he turned around and said he thinks that I am negative because I said I am “jealous”. I literally said it (and have said it many times in the past) as lighthearted banter to places he knows I/we like but he takes it so personally. He thinks jealousy is a terrible trait and doesn’t like me expressing myself in that way. I don’t think it’s that serious. Am I wrong or is he overreacting?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 04/03/2023 04:35

He is telling you that when he does things without you, your reaction is making him uncomfortable.

You need to listen.

Saying you are jealous is an odd and controlling thing to say and it would raise a red flag for me if I were him.

WidthofaLine · 04/03/2023 04:46

What is he accusing you of being jealous of, the food, the time he spent at the restaurant without you. or are you grilling him to find out details of his time away from you.

It doesn't sound like jealousy, more of him feeling controlled.
Do you think you are asking him so many questions so you can keep tabs on him ?

ShippingNews · 04/03/2023 04:48

Maybe drop the "banter" about being jealous. It seems pretty obvious that he hates it . If he has done something without you, try just saying "oh, sounds good" or something appropriate.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 05:48

Saying you are jealous is an odd and controlling thing to say and it would raise a red flag for me if I were him.

Saying she's jealous of him eating somewhere she enjoys isn't a red flag Hmm

BUT I do agree that your use of the word is making him uncomfortable OP

Coyoacan · 04/03/2023 05:55

How odd. I often say I'm jealous when a friend has a nice experience, it never occurred to me that anyone would take it badly

Roseshavethorns · 04/03/2023 07:12

Surely he could tell by your tone that you were being lighthearted.
We often say that to each other if one of us is doing something nice. It doesn't mean that we are a seething mass of negativity, it's normally followed by (a genuine) "have a great time" or "enjoy".
It's just a saying meaning that someone is doing something that you would like, a positive reinforcement.

nc1013 · 04/03/2023 08:09

I think the word "energy" is key - it's maybe not what you say but the way you say it's maybe even if you were slightly annoyed/jealous and tried to hide it with "banter" he's picking up on the tone/change in energy. It sounds like today was just one example of him picking up on you not being happy of him doing things without you.

Even the part that you pointed out it's somewhere you introduced him to is a bit weird to even think never mind say and comes across as a bit jealous that he'd dare to go without you.

Or if you genuinely were happy for him today, Is it maybe part of a sequence? maybe today you weren't annoyed/jealous but have been in the past so he's on high alert? This could then be compounded by the fact you're chatting by text and he's not hearing your tone and it's coming across differently in his mind

pictoosh · 04/03/2023 08:17

Think you need to quit with the banter. You’re making an issue of him doing things without you. You may dismiss it as nothing but you also mention that you introduced him to the eaterie so you clearly feel you’re owed some sort of involvement in him going there. Asking for a blow by blow account of his visit and meal is annoying.
I would feel a bit cornered as well. Bugger off.

BreviloquentBastard · 04/03/2023 08:31

My god don't people on this website joke around with their partner's? Saying "I'm jel" is a red flag, really? So you all just sit in stiff Victorian silence never cracking a smile? Never light heartedly tease eachother?

My husband works away a lot and sends me photos of the hotels and restaurants he's lucky enough to be staying in, "I'm so fucking jealous" is a totally normal way for me to respond. My husband is capable of understanding humour and nuance so he knows I don't actually mean it in a negative way. I am jealous, the lucky bastard, but I don't hold it against him.

OP it just sounds like you might have slightly different ways of communicating and expressing yourselves. I get where you're coming from and think he's being absurdly dramatic about a light hearted comment. He, and apparently a lot of posters on this thread, don't respond well to facetiousness. That's fine, they don't have to like it, but maybe think about whether you want to stay long term with someone who is going to read into and take seriously and personally every tiny light hearted comment you make. That sounds heinously boring and exhausting to me.

ZekeZeke · 04/03/2023 08:45

BreviloquentBastard · 04/03/2023 08:31

My god don't people on this website joke around with their partner's? Saying "I'm jel" is a red flag, really? So you all just sit in stiff Victorian silence never cracking a smile? Never light heartedly tease eachother?

My husband works away a lot and sends me photos of the hotels and restaurants he's lucky enough to be staying in, "I'm so fucking jealous" is a totally normal way for me to respond. My husband is capable of understanding humour and nuance so he knows I don't actually mean it in a negative way. I am jealous, the lucky bastard, but I don't hold it against him.

OP it just sounds like you might have slightly different ways of communicating and expressing yourselves. I get where you're coming from and think he's being absurdly dramatic about a light hearted comment. He, and apparently a lot of posters on this thread, don't respond well to facetiousness. That's fine, they don't have to like it, but maybe think about whether you want to stay long term with someone who is going to read into and take seriously and personally every tiny light hearted comment you make. That sounds heinously boring and exhausting to me.

You need to re read the OP.

It's not just eating its doing things without him.The OPs partner is clearly communicating by telling her that he doesn't like it when she does this.

The OP comes across as controlling and this yes IS a red flag!

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 04/03/2023 08:58

I pointed out it was “somewhere i introduced him to” for context. It’s also part of the reason why I was “jel”, it’s somewhere I obviously enjoy, it’s now become something we both enjoy and it’s now become relatable to us, so is it bad that kinda see it as “our thing” but in an endearing way. I was excited for him because he is very particular about what he eats so I was happy that he liked something I suggested. Yesterday was the first time he’s mentioned having it since we first had it together, I didn’t really know he liked it enough to get it again so I was surprised and “jel” cause I would’ve liked some too! - but it’s no big deal that I didn’t! I would’ve thought me asking questions about what he ate after would’ve showed my happiness and genuine interest in his experience but he thought it was interrogating.
I use “jel” as a positive reinforcement like @Roseshavethorns said.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/03/2023 08:59

Impossible to say from one example as it all depends on the tone, but to me it sounds like your comment was just a normal jokey response. And chatting about the meal shows interest, not control! Unless there's more to it your bf sounds very precious!

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 05/03/2023 17:57

He is hyper sensitive imo but he doesn’t seem to see it, he sees it as me minimising his issues. He thinks I’m a negative person (which is very upsetting) and thinks my desire to use the word “jel” just reinforces that. I’ve tried to explain that it’s just how I talk, I talk like this with my friends too - there’s no malice in it but he just says I don’t have to use that word/be a sheep. He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.

OP posts:
neitherofthem · 05/03/2023 18:05

Moonchild009 · 05/03/2023 17:57

He is hyper sensitive imo but he doesn’t seem to see it, he sees it as me minimising his issues. He thinks I’m a negative person (which is very upsetting) and thinks my desire to use the word “jel” just reinforces that. I’ve tried to explain that it’s just how I talk, I talk like this with my friends too - there’s no malice in it but he just says I don’t have to use that word/be a sheep. He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.

Seems to me that you aren't all that well suited to one another, and he is policing your language and behaviour.

He says he is trying to help me grow Eh? Grow into what - a different person from the one you are now? Don't tie yourself in knots trying to become the person he wants you to be. Find somebody who loves you for being you.

HollyLolly2023 · 05/03/2023 18:20

I don't like it when people say I'm jel or jealous lightly, I agree with your boyfriend. You should learn to be happy for him. When you say you're jealous you're making the other person feel guilty for enjoying their treat and making them feel like they owe you something to make it up.

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:05

I actually think it sounds like he is gaslighting you op.

He is trying to make you wonder 'am I this jealous and miserable person he keeps saying i am'

It's designed to make you look inwards, and start questioning your own actions...ultimately even potentially your own sanity.

I'd be very wary of anyone who pulls this shit op. It's fucked up. I'm sure you'll see other red flags if you look.

KezzaMucklowe · 05/03/2023 19:16

How long have you been together ?
It does sound like you don't gel all that well.
I'd say something like this to my dp and friends if they go somewhere I really enjoy.
"I'm jealous" is a phrase that's often seen on here when someone orders a takeaway or goes for a spa. It's hardly a marker of controlling behaviour.
Tbh if someone raised this with me I'd be thinking about how compatible we are.
I would hate to make some one feel uncomfortable or controlled but I'd also hate to tread on egg shells around someone.

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:17

Also, in my experience, people who constantly accuse you of being things like jealous are actually the people that are. Because most of us are emotionally healthy and don't spend much time feeling things like jealousy or bitterness - so we don't think about these things. Why is it so close to the forefront of his mind?

As for 'growth as a person', who does he think he is? Budda? Ghandi? Or maybe just the thought police? Whatever, he sounds like an arrogant tosser.

KezzaMucklowe · 05/03/2023 19:18

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2023 19:17

Also, in my experience, people who constantly accuse you of being things like jealous are actually the people that are. Because most of us are emotionally healthy and don't spend much time feeling things like jealousy or bitterness - so we don't think about these things. Why is it so close to the forefront of his mind?

As for 'growth as a person', who does he think he is? Budda? Ghandi? Or maybe just the thought police? Whatever, he sounds like an arrogant tosser.

Totally agree.

gold22 · 05/03/2023 19:20

I get exactly how it was said, you're not actually "jealous" as in green with envy, you're just saying ah I love that place, wish I'd had that for my dinner! It's so lighthearted it's untrue, he sounds like hard work for sure

bloodyeffinnora · 06/03/2023 21:05

wow! sounds to me like your boyfriend is trying to think of any little thing he can to have a go at you. there's nothing wrong at all with saying your "jel".
I agree with others he sounds an arrogant tosser.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2023 21:16

Gaslighting 😖 Always appears within a few posts.

OP, couldn’t you just have said “nice, what did you have?” and resisted your urge to “banter”? It sounds like a disproportionate response to a man going for lunch.

If there are other issues between you then focus on those. Poor communication is a killer.

Perfectlyround · 06/03/2023 21:26

I agree you are being 'policed' OP, I actually think he might be the controlling one, not you. And tbh anyone telling me they were 'helping me to grow' would give me the instant ick, how on earth do you manage not to laugh in his face?!! Highly sensitive but can't tell when he's being patronising and arrogant, that would be ringing alarm bells for me I'm afraid. Do you ever feel like he's using his 'sensitivity' to make you adjust your behaviour OP?

LostGirl7 · 06/03/2023 21:39

Get real, your interpretation is a red flag!

LostGirl7 · 06/03/2023 21:45

@ZekeZeke get a grip, you sound well suited to the OP boyfriend.

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