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Original poster

Is it me?

53 replies

Moonchild009 · 04/03/2023 03:03

My bf and I had an argument because he said that my energy towards him doing things, such as eating without me is odd. Today he told me he had joe and the juice for lunch (somewhere I introduced him to) and my response was “I’m jel”. I then went on to ask him questions about what he ate. We started chatting about the food, restaurant and lots of other things. Then he turned around and said he thinks that I am negative because I said I am “jealous”. I literally said it (and have said it many times in the past) as lighthearted banter to places he knows I/we like but he takes it so personally. He thinks jealousy is a terrible trait and doesn’t like me expressing myself in that way. I don’t think it’s that serious. Am I wrong or is he overreacting?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 06/03/2023 21:45

Well he sounds a sensitive serious wet drip of a bunny doesn't he. Oh my word, spiritual, negative words.

Life isn't all rainbow clouds OP. Althoughlong discussions about what you have for lunch is boring as well.

Franticbutterfly · 07/03/2023 00:30

Sounds like a total prick, throw him back!

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 00:37

Moonchild009 · 05/03/2023 17:57

He is hyper sensitive imo but he doesn’t seem to see it, he sees it as me minimising his issues. He thinks I’m a negative person (which is very upsetting) and thinks my desire to use the word “jel” just reinforces that. I’ve tried to explain that it’s just how I talk, I talk like this with my friends too - there’s no malice in it but he just says I don’t have to use that word/be a sheep. He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.

Massive huge red flag using ‘spirituality’ as a reason to diss you. He sounds like a prick. Don’t continue in this relationship if you have any sense. He is negging you.

Moser85 · 07/03/2023 04:51

Lots of people say "I'm jealous" with a smile on their face. It's more like oh wow...oh yum...that sounds amazing, enjoy" kind of thing.

He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.

Knob! And I use that word intentionally with purpose 😂

I get what you mean about the power of the spoken tongue, I do believe in that stuff myself to an extent, but like you. I think intent is important.

For example I went through a period of being sick all the time....and at the time I was saying "I'm sick of this", "I'm sick of that". Very much using the power of the tongue in a negative way because I was expressing frustration and anger all the time and spiritually I do think it was harmful.

But if for example I was messing with my dog saying "I'm sick of you being so cute because every time I see your face I have to give you a treat" there's no negative emotions behind that, it's all good.

Your boyfriend sounds like a very negative person himself and pretty sheepish himself if he thinks your language should be policed so rigidly because no doubt he read it in a book somewhere and was told to watch his language.

I mean I've probably read some of the same books myself 😂but growing spiritually is an individual journey, you don't have to blindly follow what someone else says like a sheep!

pictoosh · 07/03/2023 06:45

“He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.”

With this update I’m going to switch sides and say he’s a twat…and a patronising one at that. Trying to help you grow? Moulding you, you mean…

I believe in the power of the tongue too and I’d be using mine to tell him to pull his head out of his own arse. Make that association you bellend.

pictoosh · 07/03/2023 06:50

I now also suspect his prickliness over this is because the eaterie is something you showed him. He won’t have wanted to acknowledge your good taste because you know, he’s trying to help you grow.

Why does he think you need his help btw? Did you request it or is he a self-appointed teacher?

Shawaddywaddeee · 07/03/2023 06:53

I think he's being over sensitive and not getting your bants.
Tbh I couldn't be with someone like that it would do my head in.
Is he a bit socially awkward in general?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 10:08

He is socially awkward but so I am I! I have definitely thought that his lack of social life/awareness/dynamics makes him misunderstand things and have mentioned it to him but he things I’m just digging :/

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 10:26

Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 10:08

He is socially awkward but so I am I! I have definitely thought that his lack of social life/awareness/dynamics makes him misunderstand things and have mentioned it to him but he things I’m just digging :/

He isn’t so socially awkward that he can’t bully you though. Think very carefully before proceeding. Your best advice is to finish with him. He isn’t a good guy.

Fuckstix · 07/03/2023 10:41

Hmm.. I'm torn on this one. In all honesty you both sound a bit controlling and intense.

Joe and the Juice is a chain cafe. It's like making a big deal of introducing someone to Cafe Nero and grilling them on their sandwich order. You can of course say 'jel' as a light hearted positive comment but you giving the context of how you've made going to a widespread chain your shared 'thing'. Not in a snobby way, nothing to do with cost or exclusivity, it's just not really that much of a big deal. He probably feels smothered.

I had an ex who would often stare with a huge irritating grin at my plate of food and have to try it before I did. I'd think 'fuck off and let me eat in peace'. Reminds me of that somehow.

And yet, the 'spiritual' stuff and claiming to be too delicate to tolerate any negative language is deeply worrying. Life is sometimes negative or upsetting. If you were taken seriously ill or had say, a difficult childbirth, would you be expected to plaster on a smile at all times to appease his lordship?

Fuckstix · 07/03/2023 10:52

I suppose the upshot is that in your case, many a true word is clearly said in jest. Perhaps it comes across as wheedly.

In his case, he's banning what he doesn't want to hear and policing your language and tone so as to avoid any sort of challenge or difficult conversation.

I think you both need to learn better communication and management of emotions yourselves rather than expecting others to shape the world to your liking.

I'm interested in this thread from a sociolinguistics POV.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 10:52

It’s not a big deal and quite cringe to think about but it’s more so because hes quite particular about what he eats so to me finding something he actually likes is a big deal, and one I feel happy about. Even a cafe. With me it’s literally the little things, that so happened to put a smile on my face, yes tell me what you ate I’m interested and want to know!

OP posts:
Fuckstix · 07/03/2023 11:00

Cross post. If he's a fussy eater you don't need to make a big deal of it. He's not your kid. Honestly, I don't love his behaviour, I really don't, but I do think you need to back off. That would be very smothering.

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 11:02

Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 10:52

It’s not a big deal and quite cringe to think about but it’s more so because hes quite particular about what he eats so to me finding something he actually likes is a big deal, and one I feel happy about. Even a cafe. With me it’s literally the little things, that so happened to put a smile on my face, yes tell me what you ate I’m interested and want to know!

Your whole relationship sounds less than healthy, but clearly you are determined to continue it so 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 11:05

Really? Interesting. I never thought that trying to make someone to feel good about their choices would be smothering but will take it onboard thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 11:07

I would like to continue but not at a detriment to myself. If we can’t align and accept our differences then i would walk away. What makes you say it’s unhealthy?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 11:10

Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 11:05

Really? Interesting. I never thought that trying to make someone to feel good about their choices would be smothering but will take it onboard thanks

You are both too involved in the other’s lives. It’s not sustainable. Plus he is a prick.

Eyerollcentral · 07/03/2023 11:12

Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 11:07

I would like to continue but not at a detriment to myself. If we can’t align and accept our differences then i would walk away. What makes you say it’s unhealthy?

You are too concerned about what he thinks about a cafe. You are literally hanging on his every word. He is abusive and using ‘spirituality’ 🙄 as a stick to beat you with. He sounds like an utter prick but he has convinced you he is the bees knees. He is a huge red flag saying he wants to help you ‘grow’ 🤮 get away from him asap and learn some boundaries.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 11:14

So he's spiritual, therefore beyone reproach, and you're negative? Got it.

I think your attachment to being the one to find a place to go for lunch that he actually liked so much he went back again, is a bit like you looking for his approval, and you got it because he returned, you were a bit excited, but he cut the conversation off instead of sharing the experience with you.

It all sounds a bit like hard work to me to be honest, and someone believing me to be negative would be enough for me not to want to stick around.

GoldDuster · 07/03/2023 11:19

He is hyper sensitive imo but he doesn’t seem to see it, he sees it as me minimising his issues. He thinks I’m a negative person.

He explains his behaviour as trying to help you grow, which makes my frigging toes curl.

I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've been together but none of this is sounding very aligned with either of your higher purposes to be honest. Set his spirit freeeee!

furryfrontbottom · 07/03/2023 11:30

I think you and your boyfriend need to talk about more interesting things than where he had lunch, if you don't want to end up very bored with each other.

NCMum79 · 07/03/2023 11:44

Gyahhhh! As soon as you said 'spiritual' person who doesn't like 'negative' words I balked. My ex like this, goddamn awful. I couldn't even say I didn't like something in the end.. He doesn't even read texts with negative words in them. Positivity police - nightmare people

neitherofthem · 07/03/2023 15:32

Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 10:08

He is socially awkward but so I am I! I have definitely thought that his lack of social life/awareness/dynamics makes him misunderstand things and have mentioned it to him but he things I’m just digging :/

Whether or not he is socially awkward and all the rest is totally irrelevant.

There is only one thing that matters. Only one, and that is you and your happiness. Put yourself first and think long and hard about whether being in this relationship is making you happy. You deserve a loving relationship with someone who doesn't drag you down, criticise you, try to change you or whatever. He is not making you feel good about yourself, is he?

You were not put on this earth to sacrifice your own needs in favour of his.

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 20:54

Moonchild009 · 05/03/2023 17:57

He is hyper sensitive imo but he doesn’t seem to see it, he sees it as me minimising his issues. He thinks I’m a negative person (which is very upsetting) and thinks my desire to use the word “jel” just reinforces that. I’ve tried to explain that it’s just how I talk, I talk like this with my friends too - there’s no malice in it but he just says I don’t have to use that word/be a sheep. He is quite spiritual and has a strong belief in the power of the tongue (which I do too) and doesn’t want to be associated with any negative words, but I knew and know my intent and just don’t see it as a big deal. He says he is trying to help me grow but it makes me feel I’m being policed.

You're ill matched. Nobody loving and respectful would say that their partner was hyper sensitive but didn't see it. What you're saying is that he is more sensitive than you would like him to be; there is no objective level or sensitivity that we're all supposed to be at. Same goes for what he thinks of you.

Accept that you're too different to be in a relationship. It's fine. We don't all have to be the same. But you'd be wise to acknowledge that someone being different from you isn't the same as someone being wrong.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 07/03/2023 21:14

“What you're saying is that he is more sensitive than you would like him to be.“ That’s good insight and something that I was unaware of thank you. I think I struggle because I’m actually very sensitive and feel like it’s difficult for the two of us (being similar in that way) to coexist :(

OP posts: