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Original poster

How to approach this conversation?

62 replies

StrawberryPavlova · 03/03/2023 08:06

So, backstory is: married 12 years, two children, we have always been a stable, solid couple. Had a bit of a blip last year where we'd drifted a bit, just general life stuff, I was feeling taken for granted etc etc but we managed to have a good conversation about it and we have been, as far as I'm concerned, back on track.

I have discovered that a couple of weeks ago my husband appears to have downloaded a 'hookup' dating app on his phone. I didn't discover this by any type of snooping, we all have Apple phones and the apple family set up, so in the App Store on my phone I can see what apps he's downloaded, as it enables you to download apps others in the family have paid for. And this one is on his list, as you can see it was downloaded on the 11th Feb.

How would you approach/start this conversation with him? We are not an argumentative couple, we genuinely don't fight. I'm probably quite passive in that I let a lot of stuff go, but I don't believe in picking fights over the little things.

I have no evidence that he's actually done anything, he goes out maybe once every couple of weeks to the local pubs with his mate, but other than that he's generally either at work or at home. Our sex life dwindled a bit after having our second child, she's still young and doesn't sleep great, but we have been making more effort since our conversation before Christmas and he's not going without.

I just don't know how to have this talk... any help?

How to approach this conversation?
OP posts:
TheAustralian · 03/03/2023 09:04

Maybe say you were looking for a game too download and you noticed someone has downloaded a wham bam app.
who could have downloaded such an app? 🤨

Pseudonamed · 03/03/2023 09:53

I have no idea why you do not go up to his face and ask him why he is intending to cheat on you. Me and my dp are not argumentative but i would break his face if I saw he had done this.

yousilvertongueddevilyou · 03/03/2023 09:54

I'd just honestly ask why he did it and then be silent while he spoke.

growgrowinggrown · 03/03/2023 10:57

What does 'I have no evidence that he has actually done anything' mean to you?

He has actively saught out and downloaded an app used for sex with other people. Is that not 'doing anything'?

You've hit a blip and his first thought isn't to fixing or strengthening your relationship, but to looking outside of it for sex? Maybe more?

Ask him directly to hand over his phone as you know hes downloaded this app. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster
StrawberryPavlova · 03/03/2023 11:14

What does 'I have no evidence that he has actually done anything' mean to you?

Sorry, I just mean I have no evidence that he's actually messaged or met anyone, yet. Clearly this doesn't have any innocent agenda behind it, the intent is enough. Just after 14 years together, 12 married, it's a bit of a shock.

OP posts:
AutisticLegoLover · 03/03/2023 11:17

My approach would be, "I want a divorce and have already got the ball rolling with my solicitor."

Notaflippinclue · 03/03/2023 11:21

If you confront him he will be far more diligent with hiding things in the future, I would hang on a bit

GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 11:28

If you want to broach it, you could say

"Hey love, did you have any luck with that hook up app you downloaded 11th Feb?"

And wait.

This wouldn't be picking a fight, by any means, and it would really reasonable for you to bring it up.

GoodChat · 03/03/2023 11:46

GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 11:28

If you want to broach it, you could say

"Hey love, did you have any luck with that hook up app you downloaded 11th Feb?"

And wait.

This wouldn't be picking a fight, by any means, and it would really reasonable for you to bring it up.

I think this is perfect.

Crispymandm · 03/03/2023 11:54

I’d take my time , watch and snoop if able to see if I find anything else. Then make my decision on next step from there. It would certainly upset me that he had even downloaded it to be fair.

notthisagainforest · 03/03/2023 12:16

How are you so calm about this. Where's your passion ? Your husband is wanting to shag other people. If he hasn't already he wants to. And do t think cause he is at work his not shagging. That's when most build it into their day. Wake up and take some action. He must feel like shaking you himself

Watchkeys · 03/03/2023 12:20

Notaflippinclue · 03/03/2023 11:21

If you confront him he will be far more diligent with hiding things in the future, I would hang on a bit

What would you be waiting for?

TotallyLosttonight · 03/03/2023 12:30

From my own experience, I'd say nothing and do a lot more digging. I suspected something at Christmas, asked my STBXH about it and he explained it away. A few weeks ago I stumbled across some truly awful things. I should have trusted my gut.

Seaoftroubles · 03/03/2023 12:32

I agree with@growgrowinggrown. Ask him to hand over his phone as you know he has downloaded a hook up app. You have evidence of his intention to cheat already, and you need to know if he has acted on it.

Brightshinylight · 03/03/2023 12:35

Casually ask him if you should download it as well? Ask if it is any good?

Catch him off guard and see what he says. Go in all guns blazing and you will just get a defensive answers & my mate did it.

nc1013 · 03/03/2023 12:41

Casually ask him if you should download it as well? Ask if it is any good?

I'd do this.

I honestly don't know how you're so calm OP and worried about how best to bring it up. That wouldn't even cross my mind, especially with no snooping involved. It's like you're tip toeing around him even though he's clearly cheating/wanting to cheat? Are you scared of him?

OhwhyOY · 03/03/2023 12:46

Can you get access to his phone to look on the app and see if he's messaged anyone? I think if you confront him just based on this he will deny/lie about it, even if it was fairly innocent (by fairly innocent I mean no actual plans to cheat but a speculative interest in e.g. messaging women to get his kicks). Either way it's not good but I'd want more evidence before firmly deciding on action. People do stupid things. The question is how far has he gone with it? If he just has the app and nothing else I'd be talking to him about why he felt the need to do it, what's missing for him etc and pursue counselling. If he's actively used it to message people and/or physically cheat I think for me the relationship would be done.

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 12:59

I am in two minds, I think my immediate reaction would be to explode and question DH straight away. But there is also the outside chance he was just curious, so a bit of me would maybe want to find a way to dig further first.

Original poster
StrawberryPavlova · 03/03/2023 13:04

nc1013 · 03/03/2023 12:41

Casually ask him if you should download it as well? Ask if it is any good?

I'd do this.

I honestly don't know how you're so calm OP and worried about how best to bring it up. That wouldn't even cross my mind, especially with no snooping involved. It's like you're tip toeing around him even though he's clearly cheating/wanting to cheat? Are you scared of him?

No I'm not scared of him at all. I'm just aware I'm about to possibly blow mine and my girls world wide open and I don't really want to.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 03/03/2023 13:08

I discovered similar and kicked my husband out with no more evidence than what you have.

Unsurprisingly, I later discovered he'd been having an affair.

I'd do the same again. With noose evidence than that

We had two children (13 and 6 at the time) and I wasn't working but there's no way I would stay where I wasn't respected at the very least.

PinotPony · 03/03/2023 13:10

I'd calmly tell him that I'd seen the app on the list of downloads and insist that he hand his phone over there and then so I could see exactly what he'd been doing.

If he's nothing to hide, he won't object.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 03/03/2023 13:11

I'm just aware I'm about to possibly blow mine and my girls world wide open and I don't really want to.

Your consideration here isn't how to mention it to him. It's whether you want to, or if you want to turn a blind eye to it to "protect" your world.

Obviously noting that choosing to ignore this doesn't mean that things will stay as they are; he could step it up, or decide to leave, etc.

Brightshinylight · 03/03/2023 13:15

I have found been calm is generally far more scary for men then screaming and shouting (which is what you like to do). It’s a power thing- say little and keep them guessing what you think. Let them do the talking- not you.

men can shout louder than you-it gives them perceived power.

Badger1970 · 03/03/2023 13:17

Download it yourself, register and see if he's on it?

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2023 14:52

I'm just aware I'm about to possibly blow mine and my girls world wide open and I don't really want to.

OP, he has already done that when he downloaded the app. Not you. You have done nothing, except find out about it. He will be fully responsible for blowing your worlds apart.

Even if he didn't act on it, he had intent to.

This is what you need to ask him. Not IF he did it. But WHY he did it.

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