How to approach this conversation?

[StrawberryPavlova]

So, backstory is: married 12 years, two children, we have always been a stable, solid couple. Had a bit of a blip last year where we'd drifted a bit, just general life stuff, I was feeling taken for granted etc etc but we managed to have a good conversation about it and we have been, as far as I'm concerned, back on track.

I have discovered that a couple of weeks ago my husband appears to have downloaded a 'hookup' dating app on his phone. I didn't discover this by any type of snooping, we all have Apple phones and the apple family set up, so in the App Store on my phone I can see what apps he's downloaded, as it enables you to download apps others in the family have paid for. And this one is on his list, as you can see it was downloaded on the 11th Feb.

How would you approach/start this conversation with him? We are not an argumentative couple, we genuinely don't fight. I'm probably quite passive in that I let a lot of stuff go, but I don't believe in picking fights over the little things.

I have no evidence that he's actually done anything, he goes out maybe once every couple of weeks to the local pubs with his mate, but other than that he's generally either at work or at home. Our sex life dwindled a bit after having our second child, she's still young and doesn't sleep great, but we have been making more effort since our conversation before Christmas and he's not going without.

I just don't know how to have this talk... any help?

How about a calm serious conversation about how you are as a couple and how you feel about each other/plans for the future etc?
I’m hoping he might delete it afterwards?
or am I being foolishly optimistic

For all I know at the moment, he already has deleted it. All I know right now is that on that day, he downloaded it.

I have checked his iPad, there's nothing on there. I can't even access his emails. He tends to use a messaging app called Signal rather than Whatsapp or iMessage. That's not installed on his iPad. We used to have the same passcode on our phones, but I do know he changed his a while back, so I can't unlock his phone without him doing it for me.

OP, he is clearly planning on cheating on you, if he hasn't already. Struggling to understand why you are giving him so much benefit of the doubt...?

I'm not. He's just at work and I plan to bring this up this evening when the children are in bed and I just want to get my head straight first. I've never had to ask a partner if they're planning on cheating on me before so this is all new territory.

So he uses an irregular messaging account, changed his phone code and passwords..... Of course it could be innocent. But what is your gut saying??

I mean, it's not good, is it?

I think personally I would give him one chance to tell you.
I would start a conversation about how the relationship is and ask whether he’s happy and feeling his needs are being met. Best case scenario is he then opens up about not being happy and says he did this stupid thing of downloading this app as was wanting to go outside the marriage…. But I think that’s unlikely.

Him using signal and him changing his passcode recently are also red flags for me

Signal is a big red flag. Sorry. How much time away from you does he have? Hobbies? Golf?

No I'm not scared of him at all. I'm just aware I'm about to possibly blow mine and my girls world wide open and I don't really want to.

No, you're not about to blow their worlds apart. He did. All by himself

Literally none. He will occasionally go for a run. He used to go to the gym etc but now just does workouts at home. He works ten minutes away from home. As I said originally, he goes out on a Friday night every couple of weeks to local pubs with his mate, but other than that he's generally either at home or at work.

The Signal use isn't new, he's been using that a while now.

You can speculate forever and look for things that fit a theory, but you'll drive yourself mad. Stick with what you know, ask him about the reasons downloading the hookup app, and if he found anything interesting on there.

Try and stay calm and curious, you're more likely to info that way.

You seem my kind of subtle 😉

The MN way is wanting sex = bad = LTB

But really there might be competing wants in the mix for each of you and none of them are inherently bad - they’re just maybe not compatible with what you’ve promised to or expected from each other so far. You perhaps want financial security, a two parent home life for your children (and fidelity?), he wants (more?) sex… I don’t see any way out of this other than having a mature conversation about what you’re each wanting, whether you’re happy to meet those wants for each other, and if not, what freedoms you’ll allow each other or whether you need to part ways.

You need courage to have this conversation. That means being okay/secure enough in yourself (emotionally) so that if you both decide to part ways you know you’ll be okay. (You will be okay). What’s stopping you from feeling emotionally secure enough to have the conversation? There your work lies.

Then arrange a hook up

I’m sorry you are in this situation, what a headfuck. I just want to say that by speaking to him, you won’t be blowing your world apart - he has done that already. None of this is on you, whatever he has done or hasn’t, if he’s been struggling with issues in the relationship then he could have come to you.

OP, what do your difficult conversations about other things look like? What is he like under stress? Is he open and straightforward or a bit of a challenge to speak with? Surely there have been other important issues you both dealt with in 12 years? That might give you an idea how or if to approach it.

Definitely divorce him

I'd be wondering if your "blip" last year was actually because he cheated, had an affair or got close to it (quite often distance comes because someone is up to something, not the other way round) and has now got a taste for it.

Don't think he hasn't for lack of opportunity - people take risks and make their own opportunities.

Jesus. In your situation I think I would go batshit….but, with a calm head, I can see that that wouldn’t help. So, I would sit him down, cool as a fucking cucumber and tell him you know. And that he needs to put his big boy pants, be a fucking man and that this is his only shot to be honest. Tell him calmly he has one chance and one chance only to fess up about what exactly has been going on. He will squirm. He WILL lie. They always do. But, you know him, you will know when he’s lying so you can dig further. He hasn’t thought this through op, I guarantee it….but you can bring it home to roost. The ball is in your court now. You have blown up nothing , you’ve ruined nothing, you have no shame in this, absolutely none. This isn’t the man you married, this is a man who was, at least, looking to betray you. See him as such and treat him accordingly…

Can you ask to borrow his phone for something so you can snoop?

5 words to show anyone the state of their relationship are 'Can I see your phone?'

Quite. The need to ask demonstrates a lack of trust. It doesn't even matter what you see; if you feel compelled to ask the question in the first place, the relationship is in trouble.

You don’t need evidence. Downloading a dating app is enough evidence that the intention to cheat is there.

I hope you're okay xx