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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to approach this conversation?

62 replies

StrawberryPavlova · 03/03/2023 08:06

So, backstory is: married 12 years, two children, we have always been a stable, solid couple. Had a bit of a blip last year where we'd drifted a bit, just general life stuff, I was feeling taken for granted etc etc but we managed to have a good conversation about it and we have been, as far as I'm concerned, back on track.

I have discovered that a couple of weeks ago my husband appears to have downloaded a 'hookup' dating app on his phone. I didn't discover this by any type of snooping, we all have Apple phones and the apple family set up, so in the App Store on my phone I can see what apps he's downloaded, as it enables you to download apps others in the family have paid for. And this one is on his list, as you can see it was downloaded on the 11th Feb.

How would you approach/start this conversation with him? We are not an argumentative couple, we genuinely don't fight. I'm probably quite passive in that I let a lot of stuff go, but I don't believe in picking fights over the little things.

I have no evidence that he's actually done anything, he goes out maybe once every couple of weeks to the local pubs with his mate, but other than that he's generally either at work or at home. Our sex life dwindled a bit after having our second child, she's still young and doesn't sleep great, but we have been making more effort since our conversation before Christmas and he's not going without.

I just don't know how to have this talk... any help?

OP posts:

dalmation4046 · 04/03/2023 08:55

How did it go OP? X

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 11:57

OP, how did it go? Are you still in 1 piece? 😅

Original poster

StrawberryPavlova · 04/03/2023 18:36

I'm here.

So he's basically denied all knowledge, says he's never seen it before in his life. He's looked down the list of apps it says he's downloaded and says he doesn't recognise half of them.

No apology though, no acknowledgment of the fact that this has upset me. Just 'wasn't me, I didn't do it, I'm as confused as you are' and that's the end of it apparently.

OP posts:

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 18:45

Ah, lies

GreyCarpet · 04/03/2023 19:57

Yeah, I've been using mobile phones for a good while now and the number of apps I've not downloaded that have mysteriously appeared on my phone equals, um, let me count them up... zero.

What a coincidence that the one he has no recollection of downloading is the hook up one. I mean, I think we can discount that he doesn't recognise half of them. Unless his phone is a sentient being that opens up the app store and downloads at will...

A loser and a liar.

GreyCarpet · 04/03/2023 20:02

I think my starting list for the next concersation would just be, "I don't believe you because it's not the truth. Try again."

Because he will continue to deny until he finally admits that one of the blokes at work uses it and it came up as a pop up on his phone and it's have mysteriously downloaded from there where he took a curious look.

And he won't have wanted to download the app but he had to because you couldn't see anything on the Web version. Or there won't he a Web version.

And then the reason he didn't delete it will be because he forgot about it because it was such a non event.

And then it will be that he has looked at it a few times so he can join in the banter at work. But he's never engaged with anyone on there.

And then it wil be that he did download it and he has looked and no, no one at work has ever mentioned it but it'll be your fault that he did.

That's pretty ugh how it went in experience and that of others given threat I've read on here.

They think we're stupid.

GreyCarpet · 04/03/2023 20:02

Point not list

DigitalTranny · 04/03/2023 20:40

StrawberryPavlova · 04/03/2023 18:36

I'm here.

So he's basically denied all knowledge, says he's never seen it before in his life. He's looked down the list of apps it says he's downloaded and says he doesn't recognise half of them.

No apology though, no acknowledgment of the fact that this has upset me. Just 'wasn't me, I didn't do it, I'm as confused as you are' and that's the end of it apparently.

The lying little toad 🐸

Buildingthefuture · 04/03/2023 21:02

“I don’t believe you. I was born at night, not last night and I’m not interested in any of your bullshit. Get out and and do not even try to come back until you can find your balls and tell the truth. Goodbye” then grey rock until he left, would have been my response. Fuck him op, he’s lying, you know it and he knows it. Into the bin he goes unless and until he can be a big boy and be honest. And at that point, you probably won’t want him anyway.

GoldDuster · 04/03/2023 22:13

that's the end of it apparently.

I think this is him being wildly optimistic OP**

Snazzysausage · 04/03/2023 23:21

Happens all the time. You remember downloading the Wilko app or a different weather one but mysteriously it's always the Bonking for Beginners or HotNHeavyHookup type app which has
A) downloaded itself without your knowledge and
B) You don't realise it's there until your partner points it out.
Totally innocent - not.

category12 · 05/03/2023 07:23

StrawberryPavlova · 04/03/2023 18:36

I'm here.

So he's basically denied all knowledge, says he's never seen it before in his life. He's looked down the list of apps it says he's downloaded and says he doesn't recognise half of them.

No apology though, no acknowledgment of the fact that this has upset me. Just 'wasn't me, I didn't do it, I'm as confused as you are' and that's the end of it apparently.

Is it the end of it for you?!

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