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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship ending, on group holiday

54 replies

NeedAHand88 · 03/03/2023 03:34

I'm on a holiday with friends (all couples, in a villa). My 5 year relationship is ending and I need to somehow hold it together for 2 more days. I'm devastated. Nothing major has happened, he's selfish and a bit of a dick, I put up with too much and explode when I can't take it anymore. He puts on such a great front, everyone absolutely loves him and I'll probably lose all my friendship circle now (they were all my friends to begin with so it will hurt).

He does nothing at home, contributes to no bills, i fund our whole lifestyle and generally carry all the burdens. He's carefree and cheerful and everyone loves him. I'm the working bitch who doesn't have as much time and energy for people.

We should have ended this like 2 years ago but life stuff got in the way so it's a long time coming.

Due to age and health issues I realistically won't have a chance at a family anymore. I live on a small island so no immediate dating opportunities. I'd essentially need to move back to mainland UK to be able to start dating again, not that I even want to right now.

I just need a hand hold. I'm so lonely right now.

OP posts:
Coteeee · 03/03/2023 03:44

Handhold here....
Slow your mind down.....
Your not alone, you have us lovely mumsnetters. We can't tell you what to do or how things are going to turn out....but we're here

Coteeee · 03/03/2023 03:46

Between us all we have a collective experience of good bad, downright ugly and absolutely hilarious experiences of relationships

PotKettel · 03/03/2023 03:54

Don’t jump to the conclusion you’ll lose your friends. They may just be being nice waiting for you to realise he’s a freeloader. Often when the scales fall from your own eyes, you discover other people have seen what you see for ages and are waiting in the sidelines to support you. I do hope it turns out this way for you.

Coteeee · 03/03/2023 04:01

My own two pennies worth is

First-hand foremost focus on your body, all the cliches - now's the time to drink water, eat some food you know will make you feel alright not the crap that leaves you feeling cruddy and rest.

You my darling haven't met everybody you are going to meet. And life has some funny twists, turns and plot twists.....you never know just quite how it's going to turn out.

Stay open and look out for people who make you feel recharged and when you come across them grab onto them.

Your understandably worrying how things will turn out, who will stick by you aftershock decision. The good ones will, trust in that.

You never know this time next year you could've sold up and got a job on the other side of the world doing things you'd never dream of.

All that will come but for now, I'm afraid is the but about getting your body through this trip, through tomorrow and the next. Be kind to yourself. Rest, eat, drink.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 04:09

Why do you need to hold it together?

What is wrong with saying to friends " he isnt what you think he is, I paid for everything and he treated me like shit. I am lonely and I need you"

Maybe they are acting like they love him because you have been acting like you love him and they love you.....

Bansheed · 03/03/2023 04:12

Breaking up is shit. Try not to catastrophize about your friends, stop disliking yourself.

The relationship itself sounds terrible so breaking away from it is a good thing. But it sounds like you have much more going on, so your future feels bleak it isn't.

It is very hard to imagine the life you haven't lived yet but the bad days will go.

You will be happy again, but you have a grim couple of days first. Then a while to sort out the parting of ways. After that you will no longer be in a terrible relationship , which would have made you even unhappiest, and you make decisions about your own life.

One day at a time.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 03/03/2023 04:39

Who owns the house? If it’s you I’d throw his sorry arse out.
I imagine your friends already know what he’s like.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 04:50

What @PyongyangKipperbang said.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.

Your friends are probably not as bewitched by this man as you think they are.

Codlingmoths · 03/03/2023 05:13

Don’t you think you can have a quiet chat to one of your friends? ‘I know he always seems so lovely and so much fun but if you had to pay for everything all the time and do everything at home for the two of you and he was frankly horrible to you… well after ten (or whatever) years I think you might think his significantly less charming. I am not sure you believe me but he is actually an asshole to me and I’ll be leaving him as soon as I get my act together. I look forward to being so much happier, and maybe he will magically remember how to shop or cook or do laundry or book a holiday or clear a plate once muggins here isn’t available.’

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2023 05:43

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 04:09

Why do you need to hold it together?

What is wrong with saying to friends " he isnt what you think he is, I paid for everything and he treated me like shit. I am lonely and I need you"

Maybe they are acting like they love him because you have been acting like you love him and they love you.....

Totally this. Say you need a bit of girly time today and tell your friends what is going on. Even if I really liked someone’s partner, they would immediately go down in my estimation if they told me what is happening.

Put more trust in your friends and realise that you are loveable. Not wanting to tell them is symptomatic of how this man has made you feel.

Original poster
NeedAHand88 · 03/03/2023 08:12

I tried to tell one of the girls who I'm very close to and she brushed it.over and changed the topic. It's too awkward while we're all in a villa together, no one wants their holiday ruined by someone else's drama.

Having to start over and most likely give up on having kids is really shit. I have absolutely no family close to me and never will as I'm from a different country you wouldn't want to live in once you've made a life in the UK so go

I know everything will be fine. I'm pretty independent already, I'm just really lonely right now and needed to say it/write it somewhere.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/03/2023 08:19

You could always end it, go home early and pack his shit up. The friends, still in holiday mood will cluck around him and one will offer him a bed. Might be the quickest way to get rid of him.

If you're expecting them to ditch you anyway like.

anthurium · 03/03/2023 08:22

How old are you op@NeedAHand88 Have you considered using a sperm donor to create your family? I'm a solo mother by choice and it's th best decision I've made (for me).

Basecampzero · 03/03/2023 08:29

I'm so sorry OP. Being on holiday when you're relationship isn't good is one of the loneliest feelings in the world.

Also some friends only want the good times and aren't great at supporting you when things aren't going well.

You sound very strong and I'm sure you'll be able to turn things around. He doesn't sound like a good partner or friend. It's easy to be fun when you don't have any responsibility for anything. You deserve better.

You can get through this. Hang out with your friends, even if you don't talk about your relationship it may help just having their friendship.

Basecampzero · 03/03/2023 08:30

*your not you're

Mummys · 03/03/2023 08:32

You might be surprised how little your friends actually love him. I thought mine all loved my ExH, turns out they could see what I couldn't all along.

One step at a time, I know it's hard but don't catastrophise, you will be Ok.

Emmamoo89 · 03/03/2023 08:33

Sending love and hugs x

Dudum · 03/03/2023 08:38

"You could always end it, go home early and pack his shit up. The friends, still in holiday mood will cluck around him and one will offer him a bed. Might be the quickest way to get rid of him."

Wtf? You write some absolute tripe @gamerchick but this is ridiculous. Women "cluck" now do they? And regardless of their upset friend and their partner they just keep clucking until they've slept with the nearest single bloke.

Watchkeys · 03/03/2023 08:45

Can you simply tell him it's over, and go home, op? What stops you doing that? I don't know why you think you should hold it together for the benefit of friends who you think will drop you shortly anyway?

Watchkeys · 03/03/2023 08:47

gamerchick · 03/03/2023 08:19

You could always end it, go home early and pack his shit up. The friends, still in holiday mood will cluck around him and one will offer him a bed. Might be the quickest way to get rid of him.

If you're expecting them to ditch you anyway like.

Also, they might all invent time travel, and go to live on the moon.

Why on earth suggest such an unlikely outcome, which wouldn't make op feel good anyway?

Giggorata · 03/03/2023 08:48

I think that being lonely whilst in a relationship is worse than being alone.

Your friends may already know that he isn't that great, or the ones that are caught up in his allure may drop off when you split, but then you may not want to keep those ones anyway.

You are on the verge of a new life, and new people will come along as it changes. Good luck.

Igmum · 03/03/2023 08:57

Sending love - though it sounds like you are well rid ❤️ and yes, sperm donation is an option

SavBlancTonight · 03/03/2023 09:38

This might not be helpful right now but if you can't even try to talk to your friends and they brush you off, they're probably not friends you're going to miss.

He sounds like the classic cocklodger, possibly narcissist and if you're finally at the point of wanting to end it, I'd expect that your friends to have some idea of what's going on. I mean, it's hard to miss this level for financial abuse.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 09:42

gamerchick · 03/03/2023 08:19

You could always end it, go home early and pack his shit up. The friends, still in holiday mood will cluck around him and one will offer him a bed. Might be the quickest way to get rid of him.

If you're expecting them to ditch you anyway like.

Well that's just a deeply weird thing to write!

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2023 14:51

Think I'd pack up and go, it'll be shit to stay for two more days.

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