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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship ending, on group holiday

54 replies

NeedAHand88 · 03/03/2023 03:34

I'm on a holiday with friends (all couples, in a villa). My 5 year relationship is ending and I need to somehow hold it together for 2 more days. I'm devastated. Nothing major has happened, he's selfish and a bit of a dick, I put up with too much and explode when I can't take it anymore. He puts on such a great front, everyone absolutely loves him and I'll probably lose all my friendship circle now (they were all my friends to begin with so it will hurt).

He does nothing at home, contributes to no bills, i fund our whole lifestyle and generally carry all the burdens. He's carefree and cheerful and everyone loves him. I'm the working bitch who doesn't have as much time and energy for people.

We should have ended this like 2 years ago but life stuff got in the way so it's a long time coming.

Due to age and health issues I realistically won't have a chance at a family anymore. I live on a small island so no immediate dating opportunities. I'd essentially need to move back to mainland UK to be able to start dating again, not that I even want to right now.

I just need a hand hold. I'm so lonely right now.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 03/03/2023 14:58

OP, you are very brave.

He sounds like an absolute loser and the truth is they are always a disaster to have a child with.

Get his shit together asap and get him out.

Absolutely no giving him time.
Get rid of him.

We are here for you.

Chocolatecoinsba · 03/03/2023 14:58

Hope you are ok OP . Don’t end the relationship on holiday wait till you get home - it will be easier long term not to bring other people into the drama especially if you all live near one another . Stay strong - at the moment he is holding you back - who knows what opportunities lie ahead

frozendaisy · 03/03/2023 15:02

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2023 14:51

Think I'd pack up and go, it'll be shit to stay for two more days.

Or the total opposite of this, find a nice view with a wine, take a book, feel sand between your toes, get totally dressed boho classy for dinner. It's two days more holiday you can face reality on return home.

petridishmystery · 03/03/2023 15:05

no advice but a hand hold - dunno if we are on the same small island but I’m also on a small island so I know exactly what you mean re dating opportunities - it’s just not the same as on the mainland. But at least you’ll be in a better position than if you were in an unhappy relationship

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 15:08

What a difficult situation. If you can, ride out the end of the holiday and wait to act on your return home. If at all possible you really don’t want to break up in front of all these extra people.
After the holiday you can take action on your own terms and communicate your decision to friends on your own terms and in your own way.

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 15:12

In your situation, after the holiday, I might quietly and confidentially inform one or two trusted friends or family members about the split, so they can support you.
Think ahead a bit. What practical things will help you to separate? What is the set up with finances? Do you need to see a solicitor?

Sexypyjamas · 03/03/2023 15:18

Hand hold 💐
Take some deep breaths, you will get through this x

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/03/2023 15:34

Big hand hold to you. And a massive hug.

Helloits2023 · 03/03/2023 15:48

Handhold from me 💐I was in a similar situation some years ago, we broke up one night and didn’t tell anyone. Really horrible and lonely. Take each minute/hour/day as it comes. Opt out of group activities if you need to (just say you’re tired or whatever). You will get through it 💪

Stillcountingbeans · 03/03/2023 15:51

How much will it cost to change your flight home? If you can possibly bear it, I would just wait out the two days and come home as planned.
Maybe change your seat on the plane so that you are not next to him, if possible.
Spend the next two days looking after yourself - go alone for the day to the beach/town/countryside/wherever, take a picnic or buy yourself a lunch, and have a little cry if you need to. Put on a brave face in the evening - it is only two more days until you start taking action.

lostinfusion · 03/03/2023 16:00

Does he have any idea how your feeling OP?

MimiSunshine · 03/03/2023 16:09

you need to tell your friends what tou wrote here. They only all love him because they don’t know the real him.
you’ve protected them and him from that truth.

why?

stop now and tell them what it’s been like and why you’ve ended it. If you don’t open up and tell them how you’re feeling about your future they can’t be there for you.

Bunnyishotandcross · 03/03/2023 16:11

How old are you op?

scoobydoo1971 · 03/03/2023 16:12

I did exactly the same a few weeks ago. The holiday summed up why I prefer not to have him around. Energy drain. I drew that conclusion on the second day of the break, but had 5 days left and no escape. He was grumpy on holiday, I paid too much towards it, he never said thanks for anything, and he was rude to me and moaned about the food, the weather, the hotels, the locals, his life, my life and so on. It was just terminal boredom listening to his joyless ranting. Also useless at travelling and not wanting to go out sightseeing much. He needed me to organise all trips, all directions to get there and just moaned more when he got there. Honestly, sometimes it is for the best to call it quits. I even booked flights home where we were 20 aisles apart 'by accident' so I didn't have to sit there making polite chat. I feel a huge relief that I have finally done something about a relationship that wasn't very bad, but not great either. Life is too short for people to make you miserable. I hope you feel better soon, and remember you are heading home soon for the next chapter of your life!!!

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 16:41

I think you need to push this feeling away and just enjoy yourself as much as you can as this is your holiday too.

When you get home then leave

Forget about dating etc as you’ll want to enjoy bring single for a while anyway.

PrinceHaz · 03/03/2023 16:48

If it’s not too expensive to do so, I’d make my excuses, tell him to stay and say you’re not feeling well.
Then go home, pack up his things and ask him to leave when he returns.

furryfrontbottom · 03/03/2023 16:55

How are you getting home? Maybe you can dump him at the first service station.

Farastrawberry · 03/03/2023 16:59

I was dating a guy for 6 months. We are both 30. We were casual but I told him I wouldn’t date him if he was dating others cause I want something potentially serious. After some time I noticed odd behavior from him. our dates were 2–3 weeks apart. He insisted on only texting instead of calling. He said he didn’t like being on the phone so I went along. He was inconsistent and didn’t put enough effort into the relationship. I got tired of his inconsistency and told him it was over. He came back after a week saying he was sorry and he’ll put more effort in. I forgave him and started seeing him again. Not long after, I found out through social media that he was seeing someone else. I got upset and confronted him, he said it was a misunderstanding. He says he was dating but not in a relationship. I was upset because early on I told him that I did not want to have an open relationship. well it turns out they were together for a while and I was just the other girl. I’m crushed, I fell for the guy. when I confronted him again after finding out more info he completely ignored me and now I feel like a fool. Not only was I lied to but I’m being punished for finding out the truth. I know he’s a coward but I can’t help but feel extremely sad and embarrassed. I text him twice and he ignore me. I know it’s silly to ask will he text me again? I just want to confront and say the things I want to say. I feel like I’m suffocating with anger and sadness. It’s been a week and I cry nonstop everyday. Any advice on how to move forward and do you think he’ll reach out again?

roarfeckingroarr · 03/03/2023 17:00

Is the 88 in your name relating to 1988? If so, you have plenty of time for kids. Do it solo if you don't meet the right man.

Ooompaloopa · 03/03/2023 17:42

You have had some fabulous advice on here. Keep re-reading it over the coming days, weeks and months.

Holidays are a classic breakup time as the scales fall from your eyes.

Do you have a practical plan to eject him from your life?

Once that is done I would get some therapy to understand why / how this freeloader inserted himself in your life.

What are your personal boundaries like? Were you raised to have little needs / self worth but to serve others instead? You need a shift in attitude to value yourself. You deserved much better and when you believe this it will happen for you.

Your friends are waiting for you to see it - but they won’t unpick it on holiday.

Good luck. You have made an important decision so congratulations. Next step is actions. You will have your babies and family. Believe that.

drpet49 · 03/03/2023 17:50

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 04:09

Why do you need to hold it together?

What is wrong with saying to friends " he isnt what you think he is, I paid for everything and he treated me like shit. I am lonely and I need you"

Maybe they are acting like they love him because you have been acting like you love him and they love you.....

This

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 17:59

Nothing stopping you communicating with friends in future and giving details of what he has been like in the relationship. However I would really advise against telling everyone during this trip. It’s just too risky, too many other people and opinions and people will probably be shocked if he is as popular as you think he is. Your messages about what’s happened and why might get lost in the confusion leaving you with more difficult feelings afterwards and possibly more misunderstandings to try and clear up.
If the break up happens in public and if you are tearful or angry or complaining about him, while he is puzzled and saying he doesn’t know what’s up, who do you think is going to look bad?
If possible break up after the holiday

JussathoB · 03/03/2023 18:04

Hope I’m communicating this ok. You are entitled to shout anything you like at him on holiday if you really want or have to, but I just don’t think it’s the best idea. Everyone else’s opinions right there will just create more of a mess, which you don’t need.

Newstartonwards · 03/03/2023 18:07

gamerchick · 03/03/2023 08:19

You could always end it, go home early and pack his shit up. The friends, still in holiday mood will cluck around him and one will offer him a bed. Might be the quickest way to get rid of him.

If you're expecting them to ditch you anyway like.

This.

would you want him as a dad?

if you want a child - do it alone with donor sperm!!!! Give yourself until the summer to grieve then go for ivf alone.

go home pack his shit up and leave it in the garage

Bananalanacake · 03/03/2023 18:07

Does he work. How long has he lived with you without contributing towards anything, can you see what a loser and user he is, well done on getting rid of him. Hope you can keep the friends.

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