Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stbxw calling boyfriend, what is 'normal'?

58 replies

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:13

Hi all,
Bit of background which is a bit long which I apologise for!
My bf and I have been together for 3 years this month, we don't live together yet.
He is still married at the moment, however the divorce is finally drawing to an end 6 years after they split. His ex has been actively avoiding engaging with the financial side of the divorce until recently and I've seen messages, letters etc that prove this.
She is an alcoholic, this I one of the reasons they split and since then she seems to be on a collision course to trash every relationship with friends and family.
They have 2 kids together, a teenager and a 10 Yr old.
Bf and his ex obviously keep in touch regarding the kids and custody is shared, however social services have been involved on more than one occasion because of her drinking.
Whereas their contact used to be text only, over the past 18 months she has started calling him sometimes ending up in hysterics on the phone and totally pissed.
Any issue she appears to completely breakdown and then calls bf, this has happened increasingly regularly lately, every couple of days, sometimes it's about the kids but sometimes not, just crying saying she's a fuck up, rambling etc.
Any argument she has with the kids she calls him to cry about it.
Anyway, this has been going on again almost every day this week and I said to bf last night that he doesn't have to answer her calls, and doesn't have to stay on the phone for ages listening to her either - his response was that he does have to answer her calls and texts as it could be about the kids, which I understand, but when is it all too much?
For any ladies out there with partners/husbands sharing kids with an alcoholic ex how do you cope with the drama?
I'm being made to feel like I'm a cow for saying it's making me feel really insecure in our relationship, we are supposed to be moving in together and I don't know how to handle it if she's constantly making her presence felt. I'm not a jealous person, or am I???? Should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 02/03/2023 17:17

Honestly I'd leave him. He doesn't give a shit about his mess is impacting you. That says it all.

If he was saying - bloody hell this is a nightmare, she's an utter mess at the moment and I need to have my dc fulltime and prevent the detrimental impact this is having on them - then my answer would be completely different. As it's not I'd leave him to revel in the drama.

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 17:20

His children are extremely vulnerable with an alcoholic parent, how much does he have them with him? It's probably on his radar that they may have to come and live with him as the RP if they don't already.

Depending on what happens with the mum and social services they might not be able to spend much time with her.

It's not ideal, but what if the phone call he doesn't take, because you don't want him to puts his children at risk?

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:28

To be fair he does say she is a complete nightmare and he is sick of the drama, but says he knows how to deal with it and he can't just hang up on her.

'It's not ideal, but what if the phone call he doesn't take, because you don't want him to puts his children at risk?' That's my problem, obviously no-one wants the kids in danger, but where can we set up some boundaries because she is fine trampling over them, and he will do anything for his kids.

I don't know what the next steps are.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:29

Sorry Lunar, re your question, he has them below and one school night mid-week. School holidays are shared more 50/50.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:30

*eow

OP posts:
Fernanfrank · 02/03/2023 17:32

What steps is your boyfriend taking to secure the safety of his children, who are living in such a chaotic house, with an alcoholic mother, most of their time?

Littleflowerseverywhere · 02/03/2023 17:34

I also see why he does this, I don’t understand why he’s letting an alcoholic raise the kids and he doesn’t take primary custody. But he’s totally right, if she’s in this state, for his kids sake, it’s best he supports. It’s the least he can do

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 17:41

You can't draw boundaries with a spiralling alcoholic. Especially one that is the primary carer for your boyfriend's children.

He needs to focus on fighting for his children and keeping them safe from harm.

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:44

When they initially separated she withheld contact with his kids for any reason (according to bf) so he was agreeing to anything just to see them. She has threatened he will never see them again if he ever goes to ss so he hasn't, but she has been reported by neighbours on numerous occasions since the split.
Bf just toes the line.
He would like full custody but only rents a small flat while she has kept the large marital home that he pays for, he keeps saying he can't afford to take her to court to get the kids because all his money is keeping her and the kids afloat.
God this sounds like such a mess.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/03/2023 17:46

I think he should be encouraged to go for full custody of his kids.
Her behaviour isn't good for their wellbeing and he should step up to protect them.

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:47

Why isn't he looking to have the kids with him if she is that bad. Are you actually witnessing these conversations or is he just telling you about them?

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:48

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:44

When they initially separated she withheld contact with his kids for any reason (according to bf) so he was agreeing to anything just to see them. She has threatened he will never see them again if he ever goes to ss so he hasn't, but she has been reported by neighbours on numerous occasions since the split.
Bf just toes the line.
He would like full custody but only rents a small flat while she has kept the large marital home that he pays for, he keeps saying he can't afford to take her to court to get the kids because all his money is keeping her and the kids afloat.
God this sounds like such a mess.

It sounds like a lot of excuses

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 02/03/2023 17:49

Sorry OP I would expect him to be doing a lot more than what he is doing considering you have stated she is a Alcoholic. What is he actually doing to safeguard his kids? Instead of answering the phone to her why has he not gone for custody of them?

lunar1 · 02/03/2023 17:49

I can really see what find attractive about him, can't protect his children, or fight for them. At least the neighbours give a shit.

ShakespearesBlister · 02/03/2023 17:50

He needs to call her bluff I think. If he went to SS she can't stop him seeing them. That's just control and abuse. He can take her to court for access. He needs to stop letting her control him and in fairness it doesn't look like he is going to be Aude he is trapped in her drama. There's always the what if the call he doesn't answer is the one where the kids are at risk but aren't they always at risk if she's always on the phone drunk and incoherent?

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2023 17:50

I would break up with him. He left his children with an alcoholic. He got out, but left them behind. He won’t have been able to prevent her from shared custody, but he could have made sure those children spent most or at least a good portion of their time in a stable home away from an addict. Why would you want to be with a man who would do that to his children?

money is not an excuse. This is a scenario where he gets a second or even third job and does whatever it takes to protect his kids. Instead he has time to date.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 02/03/2023 17:51

Why can’t he give DC phones so they can ring him directly and make ex communicate only via written communication and block calls. DC will ring if problem. Maybe he will go for full custody and get his home back?

Can2022getanyworse · 02/03/2023 17:52

'It's not ideal, but what if the phone call he doesn't take, because you don't want him to puts his children at risk?' That's my problem, obviously no-one wants the kids in danger, but where can we set up some boundaries because she is fine trampling over them, and he will do anything for his kids.

She's a spiralling-out-of-control alcoholic and he's worried that not taking one call is putting the kids at risk?!? Because she might do something REALLY stupid?

If the situation is as dire as you say, the kids are already at risk and he needs to step up MASSIVELY to support them until they are not living with an alcoholic parent. This should mean him applying for residency until she is sober and capable.

Any man NOT stepping up needs to rethink his priorities and I would be ending the relationship with him if he left his kids in this situation.

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:55

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:47

Why isn't he looking to have the kids with him if she is that bad. Are you actually witnessing these conversations or is he just telling you about them?

Yes, I've been with him when she's called sometimes and she sounds very drunk, slurred speech etc.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:56

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:55

Yes, I've been with him when she's called sometimes and she sounds very drunk, slurred speech etc.

Show quote history

Did the pair of you ring the police on any of these occasions?

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:57

You have been together 3 years and have had her off her head ringing you numerous times and never got anyone involved to go see if the children were OK, wtf

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/03/2023 18:01

Poor kids. Do they know any responsible adult?

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:02

His kids do have phones and his eldest can call him whenever she wants, but the ex did something to the youngests phone so he can't call out on it.
Bf has also given them a key to his flat so they can go whenever they need to, he moved to a flat a few minutes walk from the family home.
Yes, I've told him to take her to family court for full residency.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:04

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:57

You have been together 3 years and have had her off her head ringing you numerous times and never got anyone involved to go see if the children were OK, wtf

He has actually gone to the house to check on her more than once.

OP posts:
OriGanOver · 02/03/2023 18:06

He's as bad as her leaving his dc in this mess. If SS have already been involved then why is he not reporting the drunk phone calls to them and getting their support.

I'd be informing SS that I'm keeping my dc full time as they're at risk. Then if she took me to court I'd have all the evidence.

Your bf is a weak dad. Not someone I'd want to be with. Who leaves their dc in a mess like that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread