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Original poster

Stbxw calling boyfriend, what is 'normal'?

58 replies

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 17:13

Hi all,
Bit of background which is a bit long which I apologise for!
My bf and I have been together for 3 years this month, we don't live together yet.
He is still married at the moment, however the divorce is finally drawing to an end 6 years after they split. His ex has been actively avoiding engaging with the financial side of the divorce until recently and I've seen messages, letters etc that prove this.
She is an alcoholic, this I one of the reasons they split and since then she seems to be on a collision course to trash every relationship with friends and family.
They have 2 kids together, a teenager and a 10 Yr old.
Bf and his ex obviously keep in touch regarding the kids and custody is shared, however social services have been involved on more than one occasion because of her drinking.
Whereas their contact used to be text only, over the past 18 months she has started calling him sometimes ending up in hysterics on the phone and totally pissed.
Any issue she appears to completely breakdown and then calls bf, this has happened increasingly regularly lately, every couple of days, sometimes it's about the kids but sometimes not, just crying saying she's a fuck up, rambling etc.
Any argument she has with the kids she calls him to cry about it.
Anyway, this has been going on again almost every day this week and I said to bf last night that he doesn't have to answer her calls, and doesn't have to stay on the phone for ages listening to her either - his response was that he does have to answer her calls and texts as it could be about the kids, which I understand, but when is it all too much?
For any ladies out there with partners/husbands sharing kids with an alcoholic ex how do you cope with the drama?
I'm being made to feel like I'm a cow for saying it's making me feel really insecure in our relationship, we are supposed to be moving in together and I don't know how to handle it if she's constantly making her presence felt. I'm not a jealous person, or am I???? Should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:06

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 17:56

Did the pair of you ring the police on any of these occasions?

Show quote history

No. A couple of occasions the kids were with us and perfectly safe.
If I suggest calling the police he says she will make his life hell.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/03/2023 18:09

You should end it. Not because of the calls but because of his inability and unwillingness to safeguard his children.

Let's put it this way. If they were your kids, would you leave them living with her?

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:11

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:06

No. A couple of occasions the kids were with us and perfectly safe.
If I suggest calling the police he says she will make his life hell.

Show quote history

What about all the other occasions? Why not then, he sounds a right irresponsible idiot, you seem more worried about his ex ringing him than about his children. What is wrong with the pair of you?

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:12

ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:04

He has actually gone to the house to check on her more than once.

Show quote history

Do you think that is enough? You are either a troll or he is a liar

flutterbyebaby · 02/03/2023 18:13

Worries about his ex making his life hell, but doesn't give a damn about the safety of his kids, what a chump

Neveragain85 · 02/03/2023 18:14

There's obviously lots of things he needs to do to protect his kids, you've had plenty of advice on that

But please consider & think about whether you're with this man because you love him & see a future with him & his kids or because you want to save him or help him through this mess

I've stayed in terrible relationships because of wanting to help someone, when their problem wasn't mine to solve

Sorry I'm not answering your question

Justmuddlingalong · 02/03/2023 18:22

If I suggest calling the police he says she will make his life hell.
So he backs off and leaves his DC to live like that?
He's spineless and I agree with PPs suggesting he's full of excuses.
Poor kids.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 02/03/2023 18:22

OP, as a step mum, I have to say your BF is in a really difficult position. A lot of posters are saying why isn't he getting the kids more often - it's really hard to get full time custody and unless there's been indications from SS to remove the children from her home he'd be hard pressed to get the kids. I think he's done the right thing by letting her stay in the main big home - if she's struggling even in those circumstances then having to move out and still somewhat look after the kids while looking for accommodation would have probably sent her over the edge!

It actually comes down to what YOU can tolerate. I knew the difficulties my partner was having with his ex and how our life would get jerked around because of games she'd play VIA the kids. And I also knew that he was thinking about the kids when he agreed to things that were inconvenient to us. If those circumstances aren't acceptable to you that's absolutely fine - it's perfectly reasonable to state those boundaries to your BF and then if the decision is to split then that's also reasonable. You don't have to go through a relationship feeling irritated and frustrated.

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 18:29

Neveragain85 · 02/03/2023 18:14

There's obviously lots of things he needs to do to protect his kids, you've had plenty of advice on that

But please consider & think about whether you're with this man because you love him & see a future with him & his kids or because you want to save him or help him through this mess

I've stayed in terrible relationships because of wanting to help someone, when their problem wasn't mine to solve

Sorry I'm not answering your question

Thanks Never.
I've suggested he goes for full custody numerous times, and especially when we move in together.
He seems open to this, but I don't really get why he doesn't do this anyway now.
As a previous poster said he could just call her bluff because whatever happens she will rage at him regardless but at least the kids would be settled.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/03/2023 18:46

I'm guessing the reason he answers the phone is because he feels guilty about allowing his children to live in that hell. It is absolutely disgraceful and unjustifiable. And he knows it. So that's why he answers the phone - to "prove" he cares. Selfish, selfish man. I couldn't be with someone like that.

RedHelenB · 02/03/2023 18:51

He doesn't need to go to court. The kids are old enough to vote with their feet and if exw is anywhere near as bad as is being painted they'll jump at the chance to live with Dad.

BadNomad · 02/03/2023 18:55

Or they'll vote to stay with mum because they would feel guilty and scared of what would happen if they left. That is not a decision children should be making. That is what parents are for. In this situation, one parent is too ill to make good decisions, and the other is choosing this life for their children.

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 18:56

RedHelenB · 02/03/2023 18:51

He doesn't need to go to court. The kids are old enough to vote with their feet and if exw is anywhere near as bad as is being painted they'll jump at the chance to live with Dad.

They may not - she may have done a number on them re guilt and how much she loves them and needs them.

He should definitely try, though, no question!

gamerchick · 02/03/2023 18:56

Your bloke is failing to keep his kids safe and you're going on about how he doesn't need to answer her calls?Hmm

He's an arsehole for leaving them there.

B0g · 02/03/2023 18:57

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2023 17:50

I would break up with him. He left his children with an alcoholic. He got out, but left them behind. He won’t have been able to prevent her from shared custody, but he could have made sure those children spent most or at least a good portion of their time in a stable home away from an addict. Why would you want to be with a man who would do that to his children?

money is not an excuse. This is a scenario where he gets a second or even third job and does whatever it takes to protect his kids. Instead he has time to date.

This.
Your boyfriend is a disgrace. Discarding his kids to endure trauma while he dates, and makes up the flimsiest, lazy drivel of excuses to the new girlfriend as to why he hasn’t bothered his arse removing them from the alcoholic. How can you even stand to look at him?

BadNomad · 02/03/2023 18:57

They have been separated 6 years. That means the youngest child was only 4-years-old when your partner left them to grow up with an unstable alcoholic. How nice to be able to walk away from that.

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2023 18:58

The way this is supposed to work is the sober parent packs up the kids and they all leave together . Then the addict has to be the one to petition the court.

how many mothers do you see leaving their kids behind when they flee? It happens, but it is rare. Yet the man gets himself safe and leaves his children behind. I don’t want my post removed so I will refrain from using the appropriate insults that kind of person deserves.

B0g · 02/03/2023 19:06

This man should be striving to get residency of his kids, get them in to therapy (if he hasn’t bothered after all these years), educate himself of parenting traumatised kids, every spare minute he has. Instead he’s dating and planning to move in with you (you find this man appealing? 🤢) and uninterested in getting residency. You ‘don’t get’ why he isn’t bothering? I mean, it’s obvious.

SheilaFentiman · 02/03/2023 22:15

Someone I know grew up in a home where the father abandoned him and his brother with an alcoholic mother and moved 200 miles away. She was abusive and the boys were massively affected. Your BF hasn’t disappeared off the scene, at least, but the children need more.

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 02/03/2023 22:21

Bf moved close to the family house just in case the kids did want to make their own decision and stay at his more often. That's why he gave them keys.
But a previous poster mentioned guilt and both kids defend their mum and won't hear a word against her, they feel loyalty to her which is expected.
And for those saying he walked away and left the kids that is incorrect, she kicked him out, called the police and said she didn't want him back. His friends and family have confirmed it because his parents had to take him in.
Thanks for all your comments though, I will keep pushing him to go for full custody, i think the teenager is due to have some kind of therapy so thank you to the pp for suggesting it.

OP posts:
B0g · 03/03/2023 07:49

Her kicking him out is irrelevant. Every day the man chooses to leave his kids with an addict. You 'encouraging' him to do the bare minimum is embarrassing yourself. How can you even look at him?

B0g · 03/03/2023 07:55

There's no reason at all to choose such a low quality man. Why choose a bloke who's fine with traumatising his kids and lap up his pathetic excuses, when you could simply enjoy life?

perfectcolourfound · 03/03/2023 08:12

I totally understand that it must be very stressful if she's regularly calling, drunk and upset. Not from a jealousy point of view (I don't see any reason for you to be jealous of her) but because it's upsetting and disruptive.

However, the much bigger issues for me is that there are children living most of their time with an alcoholic. This will be really, really damaging for them, and I don't understand why a loving father wouldn't be fighting to have them with him. There have been reports to SS and it's generally known that she is alcoholic, so there is a clear case for it.

The size of his flat or the grief she might give him are details around the edge of the real issue, which is the damage being caused to those children.

Name99 · 03/03/2023 09:17

How on earth does her threat that if he reports her to SS she will stop him seeing the kids work really.
SS will be in contact with him as the other parent and encouraging him to provide stability for them. She will be on their radar and if she trys to stop contact it will seriously backfire on her.

Velvian · 03/03/2023 09:26

If everyone involved wants the DCs to live with the mum, your BF should focus his efforts on supporting his ExW to give up alcohol. That could be staying in the house with the DC while she goes to rehab.

If the ExW won't agree with getting her life back on track, Social Services should be involved. The DC need proper help and intervention, not just a Dad that might step in if the wind is blowing in the right direction.

Something needs to happen that will probably be curtains for your relationship, like your BF moving into the family home, or you reporting to Social Services /school if your BF won't.