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Original poster

Should I break up over money?

100 replies

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 12:49

I have two kids with my partner and we had an argument last night over money (not the first time)
My dad is a mechanic and he’s currently fixing my partners van (saving him hundreds) and is using my car to get to work etc. my daughter is at nursery and goes to swimming lessons every week, I asked what would happen with the swimming lesson and my partners response was ‘I am not paying £45 for a cab for her to just go swimming’ (baring in mind that he is going Amsterdam this weekend with his friend, plays Golf every weekend and football once a week). He also said ‘we can’t afford to waste money like that’. I told him that he won’t be going to my dad the next time his van needs fixing and he blew his top and said how I’m spiteful.
He is now saying I’m ‘silly for having the hump’ and that I shouldn’t over react and trying to be overly nice and back track on what he said.
I need space but he’s not giving me it, what would you do?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 28/02/2023 17:37

I don’t think you’d be breaking up over money OP (although finances are one of the major reasons for divorce). I think it would be because of his attitude. Am I right in thinking the regular disputes over money are because he won’t pay towards the DCs costs and is not interested in a true partnership where you both have equal fun money and all other expenses are shared jointly.

He sounds like a user. Has he suggested a solution to how your DD can get to her swimming lesson this week or is he completely unwilling to compromise on anything?

Id be getting my ducks in a row

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 18:46

He ended up driving back after work and taking her himself but is also trying to brush everything under the carpet

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/02/2023 18:51

So are you saying that he is tight? Why doesn’t he buy them clothes?

Why don’t you go half on childcare costs for the one year old?

I can see why you are resentful he’s off doing his hobbies every week, going on lads breaks, you are working ft and watching a baby (how?) and I bet doing all the housework!

Sorry but you need to put your foot down and Aldi tell him he needs to give your dad some extra money for doing that job on the cheap!!!

honestlyno · 28/02/2023 19:01

Sounds like you resent his golf and social life and have seized on a moment to punish him: 'pay this ridiculous amount for a cab to a kids lesson or you'll never use my dad again'.

You need to have an honest convo about your relationship and what you expect from each other.

Pemba · 28/02/2023 19:19

Nonsense. Instead it 'sounds like' he is not treating his partner and DCs fairly. Plenty of leisure activities and fun for him, not so much for the mother of his very small children, who also in paid employment BTW. The trip to Amsterdam and the weekly golf is probably even more of a 'ridiculous amount'.

However at least he has taken the little girl to her activity I suppose he gets some credit for that.

What is your agenda here @honestlyno?

Jooliusreezer · 28/02/2023 19:56

Are you alright @ibunofit ? Christ, your posts are…extreme.

This guy is going on holiday with his mate, he golfs, he plays football, he’s saving £700 on his van and he’s helped himself to the OP’s car. I know he’s taken his daughter now but Christ, he spends freely but objects to spending for the rest of his family? Prick.

honestlyno · 28/02/2023 20:02

@Pemba, forums are interesting in that we can all express what it 'sounds' like to us. Let's not derail the thread.
As I mentioned in my post, OP, talk to him about your relationship and get to the root of the problems (which I suspect are not about cabs/dads help, but more deep rooted).

WidthofaLine · 28/02/2023 20:35

I had to divorce him or I would have murdered him.

I love this, might get it printed on a T shirt 😂

billy1966 · 28/02/2023 20:55

OP,

I think the swimming lesson and his attitude is part of a pattern of selfishness that you have had enough of.

£45 is an expensive taxi but I think there is resentment underneath the way he happily spends money on himself.

He certainly has plenty of money to spend on himself but not his child.

So yes, you may indeed decide you have had enough.

Don't have another child with a man who is mean with his first child.

He's back pedalling because he has gone too far.

Listen to your gut and be guided by it.

You sound like a good mum.

iamenough2023 · 28/02/2023 21:08

Dear OP I am sorry about all the negative responses that you received here, but I would say, ignore those. Although you did not give us a lot to work with I have a feeling I know the type of a man you described. In fact I lived with one for over 25 years and I know exactly how you feel.

I can tell you that unless you find a way to change things this will wear you down and drive you crazy over time. Good luck op.

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 21:19

Thanks Billy

We have two kids but I’m not planning anymore because I got into debt both times I went on maternity and had to dip into my savings.

I had grace for him because I though maybe he’s not used to sharing and he is new to looking after a family but the bottom line is we view money very differently. I think he loves money and yes he’s careful and saves but I live more in the present, especially when it comes to our kids. Last year when I was on maternity leave, I paid for us to go on a holiday with his family for his grandads 80th birthday and I paid it on my credit card. He didn’t jusify spending money in school holiday (holidays are double at that time) but I saw it differently. I saw it as a holiday where our daughters can bond with his family (they don’t see his family much) and I saw it as it might be his grandads last holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 21:22

Thank you. There is a lot more to the story but I think the bottom line is that his values don’t match mine and I don’t feel like where a team. I’ve brought this up with him a few times and hope that things change but every few months he shows me his true colours. I don’t think he will see it from my side unless I break it off

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 21:23

Yeah this made me laugh haha

OP posts:
C1N1C · 28/02/2023 21:25

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:08

I’m sorry, am I reading the same Op as everyone else?

He doesn’t think 45 quid is a good use of money to take a toddler to a swim lesson one week. I agree. Just skip a week.

You sought to punish him by removing your Dad as a source of help for his work vehicle. He told you that was spiteful. And it was.

He is now making a repair attempt in your relationship.

You have responded by complaining about him on social media.

You are behaving appallingly OP.

This

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 21:27

C1N1C · 28/02/2023 21:25

This

Show quote history

Wowza. Read all the OP’s posts at least!

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 21:28

“because I got into debt both times I went on maternity and had to dip into my savings.”

yeah, as I thought - he sees his money as his and your money as his too!

MyriadOfTravels · 01/03/2023 10:34

It’s nit a different attitude towards money @Bellarosee . He is taking you for a ride.
Happy to be able to use whatever ressources you can give him (like your dad helping, you laying fir his dcs to see HIS side if tte family etc…) but is nit ready to actually SHARE his own ressources beyond the bare minimum. I mean what in earth is this guy thinking to think it’s ok to not pay for any of HIS dcs clothes and activities???

So yay I’m sure he is careful with money and has savings - thanks to you paying for many things he should be contributing to and making the best if whatever support you have around you. And not spending any money if it doesn’t benefit HIMSELF. I mean even actually taking his child swimming himself rather than paying fir a taxi didn’t cross his mind until he was forced to!

fwiw I think you need to ready yourself if/when you separate that he will be a pain in the arse re CM, won’t see tte dcs much and will nit pay for anything for them. He isn’t doing that now. He isn’t going to do it once you’ve separated

Aprilx · 01/03/2023 10:51

I think spending £45 on a taxi to a a swimming lesson is absolutely ridiculous and I am not careful with money! I also agree with him that it was spiteful to say your dad is not fixing his van again because he made this very sensible point about taxi / swimming. I am totally with him on both these points.

Codlingmoths · 01/03/2023 10:59

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 21:28

“because I got into debt both times I went on maternity and had to dip into my savings.”

yeah, as I thought - he sees his money as his and your money as his too!

I too am unsurprised by this. Let’s have a baby! Says this type of man. You grow it and magically continue to contribute financially while you’re on maternity leave, isnt that why you have savings? Your savings are for our family and my savings are for football and jaunts to amsterdam. I will contribute a portion of food and rent, but apart from that you will fund our dc like every other single mother. Fucking wankers.

MyriadOfTravels · 01/03/2023 11:07

Aprilx · 01/03/2023 10:51

I think spending £45 on a taxi to a a swimming lesson is absolutely ridiculous and I am not careful with money! I also agree with him that it was spiteful to say your dad is not fixing his van again because he made this very sensible point about taxi / swimming. I am totally with him on both these points.

But somehow he found a way to take his dd swimming when he was pushed to it. So if he had been more forthcoming, maybe the OP wouldn’t have thought about using a taxi?

And he is happy to get the help from the OP and her dad but doesn’t think it’s ok for him to actually pay his share - his own dcs clothes and activities, holidays to see his family etc…

Funny how people only see one thing and ignore the rest….

billy1966 · 01/03/2023 13:37

Codlingmoths · 01/03/2023 10:59

I too am unsurprised by this. Let’s have a baby! Says this type of man. You grow it and magically continue to contribute financially while you’re on maternity leave, isnt that why you have savings? Your savings are for our family and my savings are for football and jaunts to amsterdam. I will contribute a portion of food and rent, but apart from that you will fund our dc like every other single mother. Fucking wankers.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Utter wasters.

OP, I certainly wouldn't have my father saving a mean man like that money, one that won't contribute towards his own children.....wanker is right.

What a loser.

If it suits you, dump his ass.

He's not good enough for you, and you know it.

LittleOwl153 · 01/03/2023 13:46

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 21:19

Thanks Billy

We have two kids but I’m not planning anymore because I got into debt both times I went on maternity and had to dip into my savings.

I had grace for him because I though maybe he’s not used to sharing and he is new to looking after a family but the bottom line is we view money very differently. I think he loves money and yes he’s careful and saves but I live more in the present, especially when it comes to our kids. Last year when I was on maternity leave, I paid for us to go on a holiday with his family for his grandads 80th birthday and I paid it on my credit card. He didn’t jusify spending money in school holiday (holidays are double at that time) but I saw it differently. I saw it as a holiday where our daughters can bond with his family (they don’t see his family much) and I saw it as it might be his grandads last holiday.

Next time this happens take the kids and tell him if he wants to go he pays for himself!

I think there is also alot more going on here. We all have different views of money but a man who will not contribute to growing kids clothes is a pretty poor show.

If he's always like this then yes I'd probably have to get rid. Tell him his joint account contribution needs to increase and he needs to pay back the 'loan' for his holiday and also half the costs of your maternity leaves whilst he's at it. Will be interesting to see his response to that...

ItsaMetalBand · 01/03/2023 13:57

“because I got into debt both times I went on maternity and had to dip into my savings.”

Why did you have to? Did you talk about how your Mat leave would be funded or how bills would be paid during that time? did he point blank refuse to pay?
Did you not discuss this before you began TTC?

Alpiniste · 01/03/2023 14:04

He’s obviously a sponger.

Your Dad should charge him 45 quid, then ceremoniously hand it over to you “To spend as you see fit”.

for the many who are too thick to work it out. This isn’t about £45, it’s about being a completely selfish fucker, who doesn’t give a toss about his wife or his child. Anybody that is prepared to spaff thousands on treating himself, needs to zip it over small stuff for the people who are subsidizing his lifestyle.

jemimapuddlepluck · 01/03/2023 18:30

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 21:27

Wowza. Read all the OP’s posts at least!

Show quote history

Don't waste your energy, they don't care. It's either men being men or sadly, women in shitty relationships themselves who come on here and say shit to women to justify to themselves that its ok to stay in relationships like this and fuck up their kids up. If neither of those, just very sad men and women who are incredibly lonely who have no one (you can see why) so spout their bile to feel something. I find it fascinating but its shit for the people posting about their issues.

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