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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I break up over money?

100 replies

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 12:49

I have two kids with my partner and we had an argument last night over money (not the first time)
My dad is a mechanic and he’s currently fixing my partners van (saving him hundreds) and is using my car to get to work etc. my daughter is at nursery and goes to swimming lessons every week, I asked what would happen with the swimming lesson and my partners response was ‘I am not paying £45 for a cab for her to just go swimming’ (baring in mind that he is going Amsterdam this weekend with his friend, plays Golf every weekend and football once a week). He also said ‘we can’t afford to waste money like that’. I told him that he won’t be going to my dad the next time his van needs fixing and he blew his top and said how I’m spiteful.
He is now saying I’m ‘silly for having the hump’ and that I shouldn’t over react and trying to be overly nice and back track on what he said.
I need space but he’s not giving me it, what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:07

Yes I also work. I work full time from home whilst looking after our 1 year old too.
I agree that £45 is expensive but I am more upset that the principle is the fact that he has saved around £700 by getting the van repaired by my dad and he is moaning about a £45 cab to get to swimming. We live in an area with limited public transport, I would need to walk miles with my 3 year old. We have a joint account to pay for rent , bills and food but that’s it. I basically buy all the clothes for our daughters and every thing else that they need (days out) etc.

OP posts:
ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:08

I’m sorry, am I reading the same Op as everyone else?

He doesn’t think 45 quid is a good use of money to take a toddler to a swim lesson one week. I agree. Just skip a week.

You sought to punish him by removing your Dad as a source of help for his work vehicle. He told you that was spiteful. And it was.

He is now making a repair attempt in your relationship.

You have responded by complaining about him on social media.

You are behaving appallingly OP.

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:09

1

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:10

I’m on here asking for advice and I’m not plastering on any social media?

OP posts:
yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 13:11

Yes I also work. I work full time from home whilst looking after our 1 year old too.

Well that's just stupid you shouldn't be doing that, that's not fair on your employer or child

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:11

Seen your update. You need a joint account for all family expenses. If he won’t share these, then is that the real issue behind why you are upset?

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:12

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:10

I’m on here asking for advice and I’m not plastering on any social media?

Mumsnet is social media.

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:14

That’s quick to judge. U don’t even know what my job is to make a judgement like that

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 13:15

The joint account needs to cover clothes etc for the children as well.

queenieq · 28/02/2023 13:15

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:07

Yes I also work. I work full time from home whilst looking after our 1 year old too.
I agree that £45 is expensive but I am more upset that the principle is the fact that he has saved around £700 by getting the van repaired by my dad and he is moaning about a £45 cab to get to swimming. We live in an area with limited public transport, I would need to walk miles with my 3 year old. We have a joint account to pay for rent , bills and food but that’s it. I basically buy all the clothes for our daughters and every thing else that they need (days out) etc.

Oh. A once a week pre school, hobby level, swimming class for a three year old then £45.00 is ridiculous! Must be more than term fees!

If it had been several classes or serious swimming training then understandable. It's not.

You sound petty, I'm afraid.

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:15

No it’s an Internet forum

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 13:15

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:12

Mumsnet is social media.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous, it’s an anonymous forum where many post for advice

Original poster
Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:17

Petty? He’s fine to pay £45 on a cab to go to a football game? I’ve also saved him hundreds on his van repair so please tell me how i’m being petty?

OP posts:
queenieq · 28/02/2023 13:17

The other inequalities in your relationship probably need addressing, however. Hobbies, finances.

yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 13:18

That’s quick to judge. U don’t even know what my job is to make a judgement like that

I can guarantee there isn't one job WFH full time with a 1 year old that would make me think you're not being stupid, except maybe childminder perhaps.

Pemba · 28/02/2023 13:18

No, I think he is selfish. You might as well say 'we can't afford to waste money like that' about his weekly golf and trips to Amsterdam (?!) with his friends, sounds quite self indulgent. A decent father would put his child first, not carry on like a single man.

£45 is quite a lot for a cab though, would it just be for the one week? Of course it has to be taken in context with the savings that your father is helping him make on his vehicle repair. He is leaving you with no vehicle for your needs and the children's, so he should probably suck up the cost

Sleepinatent · 28/02/2023 13:19

OP I think most PPs are missing the point that you only need £45 for a taxi as he's got your car. I agree with other PP's that you tell him you need the car that day and he'll have to sort his own way to work. I'd probably be really awkward and find a reason to need the car every day now but that is a less than helpful approach (but I also know what it's like hence why I would do that!)

Bigmummaof2 · 28/02/2023 13:21

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:08

I’m sorry, am I reading the same Op as everyone else?

He doesn’t think 45 quid is a good use of money to take a toddler to a swim lesson one week. I agree. Just skip a week.

You sought to punish him by removing your Dad as a source of help for his work vehicle. He told you that was spiteful. And it was.

He is now making a repair attempt in your relationship.

You have responded by complaining about him on social media.

You are behaving appallingly OP.

This response is so dramatic.

queenieq · 28/02/2023 13:21

Bellarosee · 28/02/2023 13:17

Petty? He’s fine to pay £45 on a cab to go to a football game? I’ve also saved him hundreds on his van repair so please tell me how i’m being petty?

Sorry, I'm not trying to insult you. It sounded like tit for tat rather than getting to the real problems.

No it's not fine, but it doesn't make the £45.00 for one pre school class less ridiculous. But do it if you want to make a point, you don't need permission, but surely the money would be better used elsewhere.

He sounds selfish and there are obviously inequalities with his hobbies and the distribution of the finances. Those are the issues to focus on.

Get your car back from him, too.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 28/02/2023 13:22

I wouldn't agree to pay £45 for a cab either, but I can get up the motorway to the airport for that fee so what bloody taxi service are you using if its 3 miles away?? Is it gold plated?

He shouldn't speak to you like that, and you have been nice to lend him your car. But the comment about using your Dad was spiteful.

Catch the bus or miss one week.

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 13:24

I would probably say “I need the car Thursday for the swimming lesson, you’ll need to get a lift/the bus that day”

You aren’t being petty, OP, I think this is just the last straw. In my household, we would not get a cab and would skip a lesson if we were down to one car cos of repairs - but that’s in the context of properly shared finances etc.

Crutcher · 28/02/2023 13:27

You were being spiteful. He didn't want to spend £45 on a cab for a single swimming lesson for a young kid, and you when you couldn't browbeat him into agreeing, you turned nasty.

In a relationship you don't always get your way, and people need to learn to accept it. The solution is not to say hurtful things.

Naunet · 28/02/2023 13:28

Just use your car OP, and he can use public transport to get to work. And for the love of god, stop funding your daughter solo, why the hell isn’t he sharing these costs?

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 13:29

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 13:15

Don’t be ridiculous, it’s an anonymous forum where many post for advice

Show quote history

If you look up definitions for social media you’ll see Mumsnet fits into them.

Anyway, that’s not the point.

OP your first post painted you in a bad light. Your update makes clear that you are upset by the £45 because it feeds into your, justified, resentment that you pay for all of your child’s costs.

it’s not acceptable that all falls on you. It effectively means your partner is using you to subsidize his living costs whilst making you pay all the costs related to being parents, ie those for your child.

if your partner won’t put this right, you have a problem and need to decide if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

Naunet · 28/02/2023 13:30

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 28/02/2023 13:22

I wouldn't agree to pay £45 for a cab either, but I can get up the motorway to the airport for that fee so what bloody taxi service are you using if its 3 miles away?? Is it gold plated?

He shouldn't speak to you like that, and you have been nice to lend him your car. But the comment about using your Dad was spiteful.

Catch the bus or miss one week.

No, HE can catch the fucking bus, it’s HER car for god sake.