I don't think I will ever meet someone

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, but it's something which has been on my mind for a while and I guess I need to talk about how I'm feeling more than anything.

I'm 47 and have an 8 year told who I love to pieces.

I was in a relationship for 15 years with someone until I was 33, made lots of dating mistakes after that as I didn't have a clue how to date. Met the father of my child who I fell head over love with but he had a ton of issues and left me when I was pregnant. Luckily I have a huge support network of family and friends, and I'm very resilient so I got through it.

I have a good job, a lovely house which I own and generally pretty lucky to be in the situation I'm in.

I have wonderful friends who are incredibly supportive and the majority of the time I don't ever feel lonely.

But this is the issue, I've been single for the whole time I've been a mother.

I am incredibly independent and i'm just so bored of internet dating. I make virtually no effort despite men trying to chat to me and wanting to meet up. It just seems like so much effort. Plus my parents are older so I can't expect them to babysit for me constantly and I wouldn't want that anyway. I'd hate for my daughter to constantly be shipped over night to other peoples houses so I could go on a date.

The majority of the time I love my life, not having to think about another person - I can do as I please. But there are times like tonight I just miss being in a relationship. But I just can't see how I can make it work with my situation.

I work full time and I'm a full time parent 🤷‍♀️ I look at my friends who are happily in relationships and I can't help but feel sad, that me and my daughter don't have that. I feel sometimes that I've let her down, that's she doesn't have a dad. But he is so full of issues we are much better on our own.

I think I've almost accepted that this is it for me, who would want a 47 year old when there are lots of young 30 year olds. I don't consider myself to be unattractive, I look after myself and look younger than my age but this is still the reality of my situation. There are much younger women out there.

By your own admission, you're not making any effort. If you truly want a relationship, you have to be open to it.

OLD can be the pits but I think it very much depends on the approach you take. Rather than messaging for ages, which is time consuming and doesn't give you a feel for the person, I prefer to get a date in the diary early on.

When I was newly single. I tried to go on a date every fortnight. I framed it in my head as an opportunity to meet new people, some of whom were quite interesting. I also joined sites where you could go for country walks or to a music gig with a group of singles. It was about broadening my social circle and trying new things rather than looking for "the one".

@Goatbilly I have, but I have health issues, which would make it tricky to be a single parent. And I couldn't afford childcare.

It’s awful isn’t it. I think we all grow up expecting we will find love, and when we don’t it’s devastating. Someone loved me for a few months when I was a teenager, and that’s the only time. So I’ve pretty much spent my whole life being sad because I never found love. I got married and had a baby but we were never in love - we were both pushing 40 and settled for each other so we could at least have a child. I’m approaching 50 now and it’s hard to accept that nobody will ever love me.

You need to go to places where you stand a chance of meeting someone. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Could you join an evening group or a class (assuming you can arrange childcare for a few hours)?

How about a community choir, an amateur dramatics group, a weekend walking group, a cookery class, learn a new language etc?

I know a lovely guy who was a bachelor until his early 50s, then he met a divorcee with 2 children at a group meeting and they clicked right away and were married a year later.

So you'd only be considering this other hypothetical partner to "help" you out with things you can't manage yourself? No man wants to be someone's financial subsidy.

@Goatbilly, no not at all. I work full time as a nurse. On two incomes nursery fees would be ok. On one it's not doable, nor would the hours work out as I work shifts. Parenting as part of a couple would be fine. But as a single parent, not a good idea. I don't have a good enough support network either.

If you are happy 90% of the time, I’d stay as you are to be honest. Relationships are overrated.

How about if you find a babysitter and just look for someone to do the odd thing with at the weekend sometimes? Put it openly in your profile that you just want to meet every two weeks (for instance) to go out to the theatre/cinema/concerts/hiking. You'd have to watch out for married men, but that's the case on any blind date. If you think "can't be bothered", remember that you're not "investing in something that might go nowhere", you're going out and having fun with another adult. Enjoying yourself! That's not an investment with no return. It's a win-win situation: whatever happens, you have a night out. And it could become more.

I met my dp on OLD at 47, looking for someone to have fun with at the weekends. His dd was your dd's age at the time. Thought it would be a summer fling, but we are still having fun at the weekends 6 years later :)

Derailing s little here but @@Toddlerteaplease I'm a solo parent by choice (donor conceived child) on a single salary, childcare is doable on a single income alongside universal credit support (sliding scale support sonit varies on income). It is only the first 3 years that are tough as after that government subsidy kicks in. It's a shame that you'd have to forego having a family due to a lack of a partner (and even those who have done it the "conventional" way can't guarantee that their partners will stick around and help financially). It's worth exploring all kinds of financial support.

In that case, you'll have to keep dating (which must be very frustrating)

You will never regret the child, you made a sensible choice considering, rather than childless not by choice and bitter. At least some women are going it solo so don't have to out themselves through the settling part.

sounds like you are making excuses OP! My DH was divorced because his exW cheated. You are single because a man was awful to you. Doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or my DH!

persevere with the online dating. Give the men a chance and if you think there might be a spark with one then you can go on a date, Presumably your 8 year old isn’t a massive chore for grandparents to have overnight every now and then and is now reaching the age where they might be invited to sleepovers etc.

@anthurium it's not just the financial issues. My parents are about to move 200 miles away. I would have absolutely back up. I have friends but they are busy with their own lives. My best friend is also 100 miles away. I love my job. So changing would be a last resort. My single parent colleague only managed by palming her daughter off on a variety of people.

Each solo parent by choice is different, I'm not sure if you friend was a solo or single by circumstances but either way when children come along a lot of things can change, as we can't predict the kind of child we will get. I'm certainly not palming off my child to anyone "to cope" and as far as I know, most of solo mums by choice aren't doing that either. I wanted this very badly and made my adjustments accordingly. My life is happy and thriving, and so is that of my child.

How old are you @Toddlerteaplease ?

41

Your fertilility could already be compromised, considering your age

@anthurium she was not single by choice. She did what she had to do. The other single parents by choice cut their hours or found a more family friendly role.

Sounds like you could date if you wanted to, but you actually don't want to. Not surprisingly it sounds like you are pretty scarred by previous experiences which may have been quite traumatic. But assuming that because you've encountered dickhead men before, they're all like that, that's not going to help you.

Perhaps it's worth doing some work to try and unpick any patterns in your previous relationships to see whether (for example) your floor-low expectations of men have meant that you don't set good boundaries in relationships. It may be nothing like that and you just got really unlucky with your DD's father, it happens (a lot).

I agree with a PP that meeting another busy person who just wants to hang out every now and again is probably a good medium path. Lots of people out there with commitments (I don't mean married!)

Some people need to accept they're not relationship material. I mean, for someone to enter a relationship with you, they have to invest in you. But, you're unwilling (and unable, due to parental responsibility, which is absolutely right) to invest. So, now isn't the time to seek a relationship.

You're coming to the table with apathy, cynicism and negativity. You want someone for the "10% in the weekends" and got annoyed because the last guy wanted to talk to you (aka build a connection with you). So that's not leading to a relationship. That's a FWB. Without the B. At best.

Perhaps pursue a short term casual fling instead, then you retain your time and "freedom" whilst having your 10% need met and not wasting the time of any quality man seeking a serious relationship.

I've spend time over the past 8 years reading books, watching videos and seeing a counsellor to work out my issues and put the past to rest. I've done the work, and I'm happy with myself. I go to the gym regularly, I'm very active go camping, walking, kayaking and have a great social network. So in terms of who I am and what I like etc I'm there. I also used to have bad boundaries, I didn't really understand it all when I was younger. But that's all changed now, I don't put up with bad behaviour and can see red flags early on.

It literally is a time thing for me. I just want to focus on being a mum 😊 This is why I'm finding dating hard work, my heart isn't in it.

I'm going to stay single for a while. If the right man pops up IRL then that was my destiny!

Why not, after all? You've got it all without a partner.
As for your comments in your OP about men wanting 30-year-olds ... I'm 53 and to be honest, most men my age are kind of past the time when a 30-year-old might be interested. Pre-50, a few still had a chance, now less so.
In any case, considering your self-description, it's amazing you haven't had more real-life offers. I would guess you've been giving off "not interested" vibes.

Sounds like a plan @Cherryblossom200 and well done for doing all that stuff.

I do think in your OP it sounds like you lack confidence a bit as - for example - you worry about younger women being around. Just remember that for someone who's 60 you're the younger woman they'll be worrying about! (and more seriously, just remember that no one is like you - if you meet someone who likes you, they won't find an alternate reality with a 30 year old version of you knocking out, they will like you for you)

Hi OP! I feel like I've found a kindred spirit! I too can't be bothered. Very occasionally when I have a fellow single friend around in the evening for wine, gossip and a takeaway Ill download tinder for a laugh, but it always gets deleted the next day.
Full time working and ex lives overseas, so no childfree weekends. Yes I could date, but I don't want to go to the effort or expense of babysitters. I'm also really happy with our little set up, wouldn't in a million years want a man moving in and upsetting my DC.

Goldencupid, I guess my opening post did sound a bit like I was lacking in self esteem. It's not that really, it's more the reality of my situation and trying to find love later in life. It's not what I had planned!

This post is really helping me, because I've felt stuck for a few months now trying to work out what it is that I want. And maybe at times thinking there is something wrong with me for not pursuing a relationship. Sounds strange I know!

But it's have to explain, I just feel happy with my situation with my little girl. We have a really lovely life together, really I don't feel anything is lacking. But I think it's just when I see my friends in relationships going home with their partners that I feel something 'might' be missing. It's weird, it's little triggers which I wouldn't normally think about.