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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accused of Cheating. Then Dumped By Text

59 replies

neverknowwhattoput · 26/02/2023 21:27

Hi everyone! I am new here and would love some advise as I am a bit heartbroken and need some support. And to be honest, I just need to get this out of my system.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We were seeing each other almost everyday and it was going great. He was talking about futures, marriage, kids, moving in with each other etc.... and I wanted it all with him and started to plan for it.

Fast forward to this month, I went on holiday with family (This was planned before we met and he was okay with it) But when I came back, he seemed off and distant. Then yesterday I get a text saying .... I've heard you had a great time on holiday with another guy. We are over. Don't contact me ever again.

I am so blindsided. I have never even looked at another guy since meeting him let alone cheated on him! I tried to tell him this and he just replied. Leave me alone. Then blocked me.

I'm heartbroken. I have no idea where he's got this idea from. He's been cheated on in the past and I've always made sure to reassure him I would never, ever do this. I've been hurt too and we've always had such an honest relationship.

I have no idea what to do. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm literally the most softest, kindness women you could ever meet. And he loved that about me. How could he think I would do this? Do you think there is something going on that I don't know about? I just don't understand how you can go from loving someone to cutting them off so abruptly.

OP posts:
BCBird · 26/02/2023 21:31

Emotions can.be switched off if you think someone has cheated. Is there any way you can see him.face to face to talk about it? He may have seen a picture of u laughing with a man he doesn't recognise. This obviously does not mean you have been.cheatung ,however if he is insecure he has jumped to the wrong conclusion. Good luck.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/02/2023 21:35

He's met someone else and is projecting the blame onto you. It really isn't you, it's him. Don't give him the satisfaction of even asking for an explanation of his shitty behaviour.

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 26/02/2023 21:37

I think he can't handle his own jealousy.

He's worked himself up into this ridiculous state.

When he realises his worst fear has come true and it's over expect some bullshit story about an anonymous text he deleted.

He's got issues.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 26/02/2023 21:37

It’s hard to say. It could be he wants to break up and is doing this to project blame on you, or he could have saw or heard something to make him think this. Both don’t show him in a good light.

pog100 · 26/02/2023 21:40

You don't want to be with anyone this dramatic and unreasonable. Consider it a good thing that he's done it early and obviously. I know if hurts but if he is so certain you cheated, and you didn't, then he is obviously a hot headed unreliable idiot.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2023 21:46

It's projection. If HE was on holiday without you, he'd definitely sleep with someone else. He can't imagine that other people wouldn't. He's probably met someone else while you've been away.

parrotonthesofa · 26/02/2023 21:46

This is very strange behavior.

Maybe someone has told him tou cheated on holiday. Is this possible?

If not he obviously has some issues and has either convinced himself you have cheated OR has decided to do this as a cowards way to dump you.

I would have to try and see him face to face to talk it through and get to the bottom of it.

MargaritMargo · 26/02/2023 21:47

Either way he sounds way too messed up to bother with. You can’t fix him. It’s not your job to fix it.

either he’s just invented this whole thing because he wanted to dump you and it’s a convenient way to do it. Or he’s some how convinced himself you have cheated on him, because he’s an absolute mentalist.

Neither of these options are attractive because they both show him to be a total fuck up.

Have a cry, draw a line and chalk it up to experience. People do such weird shit things, it’s not you.

Original poster
neverknowwhattoput · 26/02/2023 22:01

Thanks everyone! He's definitely not seen anything. (I've been abused by men so I don't tend to hang around with them. My boyfriend was the first man in a very long time that I have chatted to, let alone dated. He knows this. I also don't do social media)

I asked to see him face to face to discuss it all, but that's when he told me to leave him alone. He is stubborn. I know I will never hear from him again. And I am not strong enough to chase him.

Horrible thing is … all through the relationship HE was the one pushing for the love, the future. He sold me a lie and I think that’s what hurts the most. I'm in my late thirties and really thought he was the one for me because that is what he told me.

I think most of you could be right, he was just being a coward and used me cheating as a way to end it.

OP posts:
SomeareDeluded · 26/02/2023 22:03

Projection. It will be him that's been unfaithful.

UnicornsDoExist · 26/02/2023 22:04

I think he’s projecting and that he is the one who has cheated.

Jollyhoho · 26/02/2023 22:07

I'd just be worried someone was stirring something.

I'd send him an email, or write a card and post it. Nothing too over the top but I'd just say - I don't know what happened but I absolutely 100% have not cheated on you. I didn't so much as even met anyone else on holiday. I don't know why you're saying this.

Get yourself together and come and talk to me about what I'm supposed to have done within the next week. If not fine, I'm not interested in being with someone who is going to ghost me over something I haven't done.

Upto you.

I'd be pissed off if someone did this to me. If he doesn't contact you just forget him - it's a sign of his immaturity and you don't need that shit.

Jollyhoho · 26/02/2023 22:10

Oh if he's in his 30s ignore what I wrote!

Sorry I made an assumption that you were early 20s - my bad - just thought of a younger person going on hols with their parents etc. And I shouldn't make that assumption because I'm in my 40s and still go on hol with my family, haha

Fuck that if he's in his 30s though! So immature.

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 26/02/2023 22:17

Be very wary if he does get back in touch. This could just be a ploy to control you

Original poster
neverknowwhattoput · 26/02/2023 22:18

Jollyhoho · 26/02/2023 22:10

Oh if he's in his 30s ignore what I wrote!

Sorry I made an assumption that you were early 20s - my bad - just thought of a younger person going on hols with their parents etc. And I shouldn't make that assumption because I'm in my 40s and still go on hol with my family, haha

Fuck that if he's in his 30s though! So immature.

He's 39!

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 26/02/2023 22:22

It's definitely not you. I agree with the pp apart the drama. Far more likely he's cheated on you and is blaming you as an excuse rather than being truthful. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it sounds as though it could be for the best. It sounds as though he love bombed you with the talk about the future.

WeAreTheHeroes · 26/02/2023 22:24

About, not apart

Seapearlstar · 26/02/2023 22:28

I dealt with this kind of thing with a boyfriend once, told me I liked someone else who he was friends with, who I never met in person, just joined a zoom meeting my then boyfriend invited me to, and this guy was on it. I didn’t speak during the meeting and didn’t find this guy at all attractive, or give any impression I did either. Dumped for 3 months. Cried the whole time, got back together and it didn’t get much better. Turned out he liked a lot of women and had lots of conversations behind my back. Like you I was single for years, history of abuse, he was the first guy I spoke to or had anything with in years. I’m sorry but unless there’s some terrible mistake and he believes he has evidence it sounds like he is a control freak and abusive, and possibly projecting his own stuff onto you. You’re way too nice for this. Do what another poster suggested. Tell him you didn’t do anything wrong, to meet to talk within a set time, or you’ll move on. Tell him you can’t be with someone who isn’t mature enough to converse and who will drop you like that. Good luck though

ImAvingOops · 26/02/2023 22:36

I think you've dodged a bullet if you never hear from him again. No woman needs an unstable man child in her life. Proper adults have conversations and don't accuse and block the person they are in a relationship with and not even have a discussion first!
He's sounding like the kind of man you would never be able to relax with - you'd be on edge waiting for the next time he has done random accusation.

Opentooffers · 26/02/2023 22:38

He's got issues and you've had a lucky escape. However, if you are late 30's, and after DC and marriage, then that explains why you allowed him to suck you in. After only 5 months, a man planning all that is most likely love-bombing rather than genuine - men work slower than that in general. Your haste due to time running out and hope, lead you to not see it. He's done you a favour by not wasting any more of your time as his empty promises would never of happened.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 26/02/2023 22:52

Consider this a lucky escape.

Fuckstix · 26/02/2023 23:08

It seems plausible that he's either projecting or has been future faking and this is his way of ending things. Surely most people would at least let you say your piece.

I do wonder though, if all has been well so far, whether someone has been stirring and has made something up? Can you think of anyone who might have done that? An ex of yours maybe?

Point is though at this stage he won't hear you out, he's pulled the shutters down. I wouldn't chase him or entertain any attempts to get back in touch unless you can think of a reason he might be behaving this way- shit stirring ex with form for trying to ruin your new relationships, pictures on SM of you with another man that look too cosy out of context.

If he's just gone into a rage about what might have happened then you really don't want to leave the door open for that sort of jealousy and control in your life. Block and delete him back.

TeaCosyApplePie · 26/02/2023 23:13

Given his age I wonder if he's not long split from a spouse or partner he was with long term and maybe not told you about? If there is an ex lurking it could be he's gone back and wants to make sure that there is no chance of her finding out about you - hence the abrupt end/blocking. Run like the wind OP- I didn't listen to the warning signs in a very similar situation, and it led to a year of pain and emotional destruction as the bloke flip flopped. You have had a lucky escape, although appreciate it hurts.

Escapingafter50years · 26/02/2023 23:27

Sorry for what you're going through OP. He was love-bombing you and future-faking (please read online about these behaviours).

The him you saw is a fake. He is working hard to find someone to believe his bullshit as early as possible. Then once that person has been reeled in, his true self will emerge.

For that reason, I would be very concerned if he contacts you with some sort of "explanation". If he does, this is a test to see how far he can push you. Please ignore any such communications, there are plenty more fish in the sea, but for now I think it would be good for you to look after yourself, maybe do the Freedom Programme to help you build healthy boundaries.

RedDeath614 · 26/02/2023 23:51

Escapingafter50years · 26/02/2023 23:27

Sorry for what you're going through OP. He was love-bombing you and future-faking (please read online about these behaviours).

The him you saw is a fake. He is working hard to find someone to believe his bullshit as early as possible. Then once that person has been reeled in, his true self will emerge.

For that reason, I would be very concerned if he contacts you with some sort of "explanation". If he does, this is a test to see how far he can push you. Please ignore any such communications, there are plenty more fish in the sea, but for now I think it would be good for you to look after yourself, maybe do the Freedom Programme to help you build healthy boundaries.

Agree with this wholeheartedly.

OP he knows you're vulnerable as you've already told him you've been abused in the past. I wouldn't disclose anything like this to a man for a very long time. It only attracts abusers to you and I'm afraid that's what he is. This behaviour is straight out of the narcissist's playbook. He's angry and jealous that you dared to go away without him. Now he's dumped you to try and punish and control you.

Please let this one go. The 'perfect man' image is all an act. He lovebombed and future faked you. You're now in the devaluation period. See Prince Harry for reference. This man will destroy you and make you thoroughly miserable if you allow him to.

Please don't run after him or try to contact him. That's what he wants. He will contact you again, wondering why you've not taken his bait. When he does block and ignore. Even better, I'd change my number and all my contact details so he can't reach me again. He will keep doing this to you if you let him.

Good luck OP, you can find a decent and non abusive man 🙏🏼💖 But you must be wary of anyone's behaviour at this early stage. You need to give it a lot longer than 5 months before you can really trust someone.