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Original poster

Met my dream man but he’s not sure about kids

64 replies

Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 13:49

I’ve been dating a man for a few months and for the first time in my life he is everything I’ve been looking for. I know it sounds cliched. I’m late 30s. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. He said he feels the same about me - he is certain we could have a future together. The only drawback is that he’s unsure about having another child. He said most likely he won’t want one as he doesn’t want to go back to nappies etc but he’s not ruling it out as if we had enough money maybe we could get by. But it’s all hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t want to be the same I end up without a baby. But then he said if it happens, it happens. It’s so tough because he is what I have been looking for in a man. It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for him.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 26/02/2023 13:52

You say he is everything you’ve been looking for, but you haven’t actually mentioned how important having a baby is to you?

JanglyBeads · 26/02/2023 13:53

Sounds like he's not your dream man then -presuming you want children?

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 13:54

What do you want? How old are you both exactly?

JanglyBeads · 26/02/2023 13:54

What does this mean?
He said he wouldn’t want to be the same I end up without a baby.

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/02/2023 13:54

Assume that this is a no. Is he still your dream man?

If you know you want another baby then you need to find somebody else who also wants mother baby, not somebody who may, at best, reluctantly say yes one day and, most likely, will spend a couple of years saying “maybe” but really meaning “no” by which point it may be too late for you.

Original poster
Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 13:56

i haven’t said anything until now because I wasn’t sure as it was / still is early days and also he did keep saying he would be open. When I questioned him he said ideally it would be lovely … but practically it may not be.

OP posts:
AnnaTortoiseshell · 26/02/2023 13:57

He doesn’t want more children, so fundamentally he’s not your ‘dream man’ if you do want children. I would think carefully before you take this any further. If you are late 30s and really want kids, without wanting to be unkind, you don’t really have time to waste to see if he changes his mind.

Original poster
Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 13:57

I’m worried if I let him go, I don’t find someone I like even half as much as I like him

as I said it’s like I’ve waited my whole life for someone like him

and at my age, options will be limited

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 14:00

Sorry typo JanglyBeads
he said he wouldn’t want to the reason I end up without a baby if that’s what happens

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 26/02/2023 14:02

He doesn’t want kids op. He’s clearly fudging it to kick the issue away for now. How much do you want kids? Do you want him more? Because I don’t think you can realistically have both..

CornishTiger · 26/02/2023 14:02

Walk away. Tell him you 100% want a child.

Dont waste your time further.

Goatbilly · 26/02/2023 14:05

I'd be considering go it alone Op @Sosadaboutt . Your ovaries are on fire and you're seeing him through this fired up lens. How would you feel if he changed his mind about children (I don't think he wants them, but is stringing you along to run down your fertilility clock). Also, go and get a fertilility check done, it will arm you with a snapshot of your current fertilility status (at least give you some indication).

BeetleyCarapace · 26/02/2023 14:06

Assume that this is a no. Is he still your dream man?

Yeah @ComtesseDeSpair is right, it's thought experiment time.

Assume he categorically does not want kids. Not now, not ever. Gut reaction: how would you feel about this?

rubyslippers · 26/02/2023 14:07

He isn’t your dream man
him saying he’s not sure is the same as a no in this situation
out of interest what age is his daughter and does he see much of her / good co parent?

AIBUNo · 26/02/2023 14:08

He said most likely he won’t want one as he doesn’t want to go back to nappies etc but he’s not ruling it out as if we had enough money maybe we could get by

I don't understand this comment.

Get by (financially) and wanting no more nappies are not connected, unless he's talking about employing a f/t nanny to do the nappy changes!

What's money got to do with it?
Does he assume you'd give up work?

He's fudging a lot of comments.

If you are pushing 40, and you want a child, you need a man who is 100% on the same path.

WatieKatie · 26/02/2023 14:09

OP it’s early days. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want more children. You either accept that if you stay with him children won’t happen for you, or you enjoy it for what it is.

In my late 20s I enjoyed a 2.5 yr relationship with what I then thought was my ideal partner. He was divorced with 2 children and didn’t want any more. I hoped he’d change his mind. He never did. It broke the relationship and looking back I wish I hadn’t wasted 2.5 yrs of my life.

when relationships end many of us worry that we’ll never meet anyone else, rarely is this the case and wasn’t for me. I went on and met someone who was my perfect partner.

GodspeedJune · 26/02/2023 14:11

He doesn’t want kids and will refer back to this conversation in time to come as proof. If having a family is important to you, don’t waste any more time in this relationship.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 26/02/2023 14:11

I think you need to be very straight with him on this if you are certain you want a child. You need to have control over this and not just wait until he makes up his mind, so spell it out.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 26/02/2023 14:13

Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 14:00

Sorry typo JanglyBeads
he said he wouldn’t want to the reason I end up without a baby if that’s what happens

Well he has given you an easy out of the relationship.
He does not want any more children.
He is saying it without using those exact words.
How long do you have left to conceive?
It's not uncommon for people (usually men although I do know one woman who did this) to do this. They are waiting for it to be too late for you, then when it's too late they say, "well I did say I didnt know/wasnt sure/you could have called time back then/whatever will hurt most. And still you dont have a child.

Is he worth that childlessness?
Do you even want children badly?
Could you live without a child? If not, find someone else.
Even if you run out of time at least it wasnt for want of trying.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/02/2023 14:21

He sounds sensible. You've got a kid, it sounds like he's got some already as you say he doesn't want to 'go back to nappies', and practically he's right, adding another DC into the mix would have its challenges. After a few months, it's good that he's not throwing caution to the wind and thinking clearly about the reality of having more kids. That may be a dealbreaker for you but then it means he's not your dream man after all so you've not really lost anything. If he is your dream man, then you'd be step-mum to his kid(s) as well as having your own so it's not like you've missed on parenting. Even if he said he wanted DC at this point, it'd just be words and he could be wasting your time and change his mind later. I think you'd be lucky to find a guy who already had kids who genuinely wanted more with a newish partner who already had kids - and tbh I don't think that guy would necessarily be a good bet. Would be more like the guys who get called lovebombers on here when it doesn't work out and they head off to the next partner.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/02/2023 14:22

Sorry - ignore that I read it wrong that you'd got a DC already. Re-reading it I see you haven't. In which case, he's not the guy for you. Better to know now.

Justalittlebitduckling · 26/02/2023 14:24

I think you need to be very clear about what you want as it’s pretty make or break.

Treetopviews · 26/02/2023 14:26

I also think you need to be clear. You’re not even clear on here

how important is having a child. Is it more important than this relationship? And what does he mean if you had enough money. At your age surely you both know if you’ve enough money , child care costs, housing costs etc is easily available.

Treetopviews · 26/02/2023 14:27

Sorry also can you clarify exactly how long a few months is?

Treetopviews · 26/02/2023 14:28

the reason I ask is if you’ve been with this guy three months you can’t be asking him to have kids with you . As such he’s given you the answer. He likely will not want more kids.