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Original poster

Met my dream man but he’s not sure about kids

64 replies

Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 13:49

I’ve been dating a man for a few months and for the first time in my life he is everything I’ve been looking for. I know it sounds cliched. I’m late 30s. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. He said he feels the same about me - he is certain we could have a future together. The only drawback is that he’s unsure about having another child. He said most likely he won’t want one as he doesn’t want to go back to nappies etc but he’s not ruling it out as if we had enough money maybe we could get by. But it’s all hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t want to be the same I end up without a baby. But then he said if it happens, it happens. It’s so tough because he is what I have been looking for in a man. It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for him.

OP posts:
JJ8765 · 26/02/2023 14:34

If you want a child go it alone. You can still date whoever you like including this man if he’s up for that. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to create a new family. If you want a father for your baby then he is not your dream man. My ExH didn’t want dc when we met in early 20’s. Changed his mind by 30 but probably mainly because I wanted them. Was a great dad in early years and then checked out when he got bored and frustrated about impact on his life / hobbies / our relationship. Has been occasional parent since we split - he is better parttime parent than he was a fulltime one. He doesn’t regret being a dad but he also isn’t willing to make dc the centre of his life or make the necessary sacrifices either. I have always been financially independent and able to provide for dc on my own and so being a single parent while not I wanted things to turn out also isn’t a disaster for me. He’s right to worry you would resent not having a baby, only you know how important it is to you to be a parent. I’m fine being single but I would have been devastated not to have dc.

Upsidedownagain · 26/02/2023 14:37

You have to assume 'maybe' means 'no' otherwise you are likely to become bitterly resentful. If you really want a baby, he's not for you. If you can accept not having one, then maybe he is.

FrogFairy · 26/02/2023 14:39

I have seen similar situations with colleagues and friends. It generally goes one of two ways. He strings you along then when it is too late gives a definite no to a child. Or he “gives in” and “let’s” you have a baby but you end up doing all the grunt work, childcare etc as after all, this was what you wanted so he will not be restricted by anything related to the baby/child.

The likelihood of him saying yes to a baby and you all live happily ever after is slim imo.

ibunofit · 26/02/2023 14:43

Yeah, the problem with ' he would be so perfect if only...' is that in reality this actually means, ' he's not right because...'

Original poster
Sosadaboutt · 26/02/2023 14:52

I think I want a baby. But I’m scared of being a single mum if it doesn’t work out.

I was always told it’s best to find the right man and relationship, rather than focussing on kids etc

I am confused

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 26/02/2023 14:56

If you're late 30s then sticking with this man is likely to mean saying goodbye to having children. It's up to you whether you can accept that.

Spottycarousel · 26/02/2023 15:02

Time isnt on your side so what's ideal may not be an option now. You need to priotise what is most important in your life and what you would most regret ten years down the line. If kids are important to you, make it clear to this guy and say you'd want to be pregnant within x timescale (all being well biologically of course). If he's cagey you will have your answer and need to weigh up whether he is more important or having a baby is. You may not be able to have both.

Any relationship may not last. My advice is if you want a baby take steps to have one before it's too late.

Asummersday · 26/02/2023 15:14

Id tell him id deal with the nappies and baby stage 🤣 dont let your dream man go without thinking seriously

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2023 15:42

GodspeedJune · 26/02/2023 14:11

He doesn’t want kids and will refer back to this conversation in time to come as proof. If having a family is important to you, don’t waste any more time in this relationship.

This. It's odd that he can't say a definite yes or no, and his reasons why, "It probably wouldn't be practical" sound quite mealy-mouthed.
He is avoiding a clear direct answer to the question - so he's leaving it up to you to decide what he means and covering himself - so that in future he can say "I never said I wanted more children." It does sound like he's hedging his bets, - but given how you feel it doesn't sound like that's right for you.

Theoretically. How would he feel if you were actually pregnant right now?
Would he be delighted or rather fed up?
Would he be making the "practical" adjustments or leaving or asking you to terminate?

Either way - he doesn't sound thrilled at the idea. I'd take my lead from that really.
He's just not into having more kids and you would like some.

TicketBoo23 · 26/02/2023 16:10

FrogFairy · 26/02/2023 14:39

I have seen similar situations with colleagues and friends. It generally goes one of two ways. He strings you along then when it is too late gives a definite no to a child. Or he “gives in” and “let’s” you have a baby but you end up doing all the grunt work, childcare etc as after all, this was what you wanted so he will not be restricted by anything related to the baby/child.

The likelihood of him saying yes to a baby and you all live happily ever after is slim imo.

Yes ... Or he's already had a vasectomy he forgets to mention or he goes and gets one.

TicketBoo23 · 26/02/2023 16:10

ibunofit · 26/02/2023 14:43

Yeah, the problem with ' he would be so perfect if only...' is that in reality this actually means, ' he's not right because...'

And this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 16:15

He’s not your dream man, he literally doesn’t share your dream of having children. He’s after a step mum for his daughter who won’t get to be a mum herself. That’s a huge ask and a major incompatibility.

cardboardbox24 · 26/02/2023 16:22

The problem is OP that you have only known him a few months and therefore can't possibly know if he is your "dream man". You are both at the stage of showing each other your best sides. Maybe he turns out to be boring, annoying, unkind etc. Or maybe he is great but in a year's time breaks up with you. I do feel for you as if you decide to date him and forgo having children, you have to take a leap of faith that you won't end up without kids AND your perfect partner.

ImissLemmings · 26/02/2023 16:24

Well how old are you?

If you’re 36-7 and serious about children, bin him and look for someone else asap, or do IVF alone.

If you’re 39, truth is you’d probably find conception difficult anyway and need to start trying immediately to have much chance of success. And if he doesn’t particularly want children right now then sounds like it isn’t an option at all for you sadly unless go adoption route etc.

And stop calling him your dream man, he isn’t your dream, no one is perfect and that sounds like you’re in love with an idealised illusion.

Onemyownhere · 26/02/2023 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Fireflies23 · 27/02/2023 22:19

I think it’s early days to be making a decision. He could be just unsure, honest communication and wanting the same things are vital in any relationship. I would maybe consider looking into your fertility as that way you know where you are at. Whichever decision you come too.

Billslills · 27/02/2023 22:59

What is more important to you? Being a mother or being in a relationship?

Do you want a baby with a man who doesn’t 100% want it and in turn probably isn’t going to be excited to go to scans, be excited by all of the baby’s firsts etc etc.

He has been pretty clear he didn’t enjoy his first round of being a father/having a baby, don’t think it will be different second time round with you.

Sorry if this comes across harsh, it isn’t meant to. I really feel for you being in this situation.

DuckDuckNo · 27/02/2023 23:01

He doesn't want kids and you do. Walk away now, it'll hurt more later.

kenne · 27/02/2023 23:06

I wouldn't give up my chance of a child for a man. How would you feel if you did that, you get beyond your fertile years, and then he dumps you? Potentially goes on to have another child with a younger woman (you see threads about this often.)

If it were me, I'd be having a firm conversation. You don't have time to wait, so in your position I would need a firm commitment to TTC if you are still together in ? 6 Months, or whatever you think is reasonable.

kenne · 27/02/2023 23:07

Whoops, posted too soon. If he can't give you that, and it's fair enough if he doesn't want any more kids, but you need to be clear that this is a requirement for yiu. If he says no then don't waste any more time with him.

HaggisBurger · 27/02/2023 23:09

Pinkdelight3 · 26/02/2023 14:21

He sounds sensible. You've got a kid, it sounds like he's got some already as you say he doesn't want to 'go back to nappies', and practically he's right, adding another DC into the mix would have its challenges. After a few months, it's good that he's not throwing caution to the wind and thinking clearly about the reality of having more kids. That may be a dealbreaker for you but then it means he's not your dream man after all so you've not really lost anything. If he is your dream man, then you'd be step-mum to his kid(s) as well as having your own so it's not like you've missed on parenting. Even if he said he wanted DC at this point, it'd just be words and he could be wasting your time and change his mind later. I think you'd be lucky to find a guy who already had kids who genuinely wanted more with a newish partner who already had kids - and tbh I don't think that guy would necessarily be a good bet. Would be more like the guys who get called lovebombers on here when it doesn't work out and they head off to the next partner.

Eh? Have you read the op. She’s got no kids. He’s got a DD.

KeepingItReal2017 · 27/02/2023 23:11

Sorry to say it, but he isn’t your dream man then.

Guavafish1 · 28/02/2023 01:23

He might be Mr Right now but he won't be in the future...

He is not being honest. You need a straight answer quick as you have limited time. Not something vague.

I think go it alone...with or without him.

Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 01:25

Then he's not your dream man? Unless you're negotiable on having kids

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2023 01:40

I think you need to be realistic about your chances of leaving him, finding another suitable man who you love, and then getting pregnant. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true. You're in your late 30's, and the chances of you finding another worthy partner quickly, then getting to know them for a couple of years, then agreeing to try for a baby, aren't great. If you're happy with this man and want to be in a relationship, you may have to accept you won't have your own kids.

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