Met my dream man but he’s not sure about kids

[Sosadaboutt]

I’ve been dating a man for a few months and for the first time in my life he is everything I’ve been looking for. I know it sounds cliched. I’m late 30s. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. He said he feels the same about me - he is certain we could have a future together. The only drawback is that he’s unsure about having another child. He said most likely he won’t want one as he doesn’t want to go back to nappies etc but he’s not ruling it out as if we had enough money maybe we could get by. But it’s all hypothetical. He said he wouldn’t want to be the same I end up without a baby. But then he said if it happens, it happens. It’s so tough because he is what I have been looking for in a man. It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for him.

Personally I wouldn't choose a man over having children.

Don't fool yourself on "maybes" or hopes he'll change his mind.

If you want children, don't waste time on men who don't in your late thirties.

If you can afford it you could look to get some counselling to talk this issue through, see ultimately if it's an either/or situation which thing is a deal-breaker. Spend some time thinking about it if you can't, talk to some friends, see if you can work out how you feel, I know it's not simple. I've had friends who know they wouldn't do it alone, and friends who like me know that not wanting kids is a deal breaker. It would be a simpler decision for me because I've always known I'd go it alone if necessary. Probably good given the fact I'm about to end up a single mum anyway. I know it's not that clear cut for everyone. You make the best decision you can at the time with the knowledge you have available.

I think you need to find someone who 100% wants the same thing as you.

I wanted a child but my partner was qupfront and honest and said he didn't. I've had to accept that. I love him and that over ruled that decision. However I already have two children. But I'll admit at time's it's really hard. I couldn't give up wanting a child if I didn't have mine already.

A maybe isn't really a good enough response I would also be concerned about him saying about leaving you a single parent. It's almost like he's already got the idea of bailing out in his head.

I can understand him not wanting more kids. I couldn’t go back now to nappies etc and as you get older that’s quite natural. Also cost of living is ridiculous and childcare costs an absolute bomb. You need to decide how important another child is to you and consider if it’s even the right thing. If it’s a deal breaker then break it off now

This happens to me cousin. He had two children and didn’t want more. Eventually he agreed to have one child and many miscarriages followed in her early 40s until they had a wonderful little girl at 45 and he was 55. He is very glad to have her. My cousin had decided she’s rather have him and no chn though before he changed his mind.

Ugh typos!

I think you need to be realistic about your chances of leaving him, finding another suitable man who you love, and then getting pregnant. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true. You're in your late 30's, and the chances of you finding another worthy partner quickly, then getting to know them for a couple of years, then agreeing to try for a baby, aren't great. If you're happy with this man and want to be in a relationship, you may have to accept you won't have your own kids.

Very true

This is exactly what I was going to say.
Just a few months in, you can't possibly know that he is your dream man - and vice versa.
You will bitterly regret giving up to your chance of becoming a Mother if he turns out to be not so great.
Why did the relationship with his Daughter's mother end btw?
Realise that you will only have one side of the story too

People in dream relationships are too busy being happy to be posting relationship problems on forums, op. Your dream man isn't comfortable with your dream.

He's not a perfect man.

He's clearly telling you he doesn't want more children, he is done.

You have two choices, hear what he is clearly telling you and accept not having a child.

Or pretending to yourself that there is a chance, waste years of your life and be full of regrets.

If you really want a child, this is not the man for you.

So many woman deliberately not want to face the truth and end up bitterly disappointed.

He is absolutely entitled to be done.

Accept and respect the truth.

Lying to yourself will make you the big loser here.

So, give up what you want and settle for a relationship with someone you've only known a short period, because you're unlikely to do better?

That's not good advice.

Op you don't know this man well enough to know he's perfect, and he's not reflecting one of your major needs back to you. Don't waste your time. There's a lot of lovely people out there.

Never give up your desire for a child for any man. It will eat away at you. My aunt did this. When she said let´s ttc he said it will be with another, but not with me. They had been married 3 years. She decided to swallow her desire to have children and he left her at 47 to have a baby with a work colleague (the younger model). We never mention him if we can avoid it, as 30 years laters it still triggers her migraines and she is SO bitter about it all.
The best advice I received was remember there are more men than beer bottles on this planet...

I really feel for you @Sosadaboutt because it's very tricky.

Ideally, you need to meet a man who is very keen to have children asap.
I honestly feel those men are few and far between, especially if they have got to their late 30s or older, without fathering any (yes, some will be divorced and already have kids.)

I don't think men date on the basis of 'I want to be a father' as they don't have that bio clock ticking like women.

You need to get down to brass tacks and say you want kids, pretty soon. It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship in its early days.

If I were you, I'd give any new relationship 3-6 months max, and if the man isn't madly keen on you AND having kids, I'd move on.

You say you are late 30s. 37 is a lot better than 39. How old are you?

I know several women (my mum was one) who conceived easily at 37 and, depending on your egg supply, even 40 isn't too late.

Have you had your ovarian reserve done? Might be helpful.

How do you know he won't just leave you in a few years' time due to a different reason entirely, or you may leave him?