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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Smothering me

68 replies

Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 11:00

An ex of mine assaulted me after months of wanting him to show me love. He was hard to cope with, and ended up showing me how unloved I was.
I stayed single for a year and my friend introduced me to her guy friend. I was unsure whether to give him a chance but I got to know him...he's a sweet person, always showing love and is there for me no matter what. But he's smothering me. Keeps saying he loves over and over each day and saying I'm the beautiful woman in the world(I don't believe it) trying to have sex but he never finishes he's either tired or too hot to go on, he follows me round the house when I'm going to get a break.
Keeps saying I'm going to marry you and that he would move in now if he could (7 months together). And he keeps leaving a mess at the side of his bed and not helping properly with housework when he's off work and I am at work.

I joke with him and say stop being cheesy but he still annoys me. I love him and he's sweet but I can't it.

OP posts:
MrsColinRobinson · 26/02/2023 11:07

You don't love him. You barely like him.

Are you just unhappy single? Single is better than this.

If you have to write a thread about someone after a few months they're not for you. Just finish it, it's that simple.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 11:40

You're being love bombed, he irritates you, he's messy and the sex isn't sex. And he's trying to move in after 7 months.

You have said he's sweet and he'll do anything followed by two paragraphs of what you don't like about him. Just end it and be single for a while.

Goodread1 · 26/02/2023 11:44

I think he is incredibly Needy and insecure so love bombing 💣 you, intensely,

I think 🤔 you are still still somewhat vunerable
And he is fulfilling in a somewhat intense child like Needy way, fantasty/ a charade unresolved issues about yourself , and your past ,

Could be ,wouldn't be susprised if it goes back to issues from a messed up troubled childhood of some sort,

I strongly suggest to reflect look at what makes you feel comfortable or not in all kinds of relantships @Op@Alicew00

Also seek good effective therapy or Therapies that address unresolved issues from your past trauma whatever that may be ,
A.s.a.p

Otherwise you will envitabily attract or be acctracted to wrong types of relantships/friendships dynamics , that mascrade as something that appears on surface to be the real genuine thing,

But just under surface/ the reality is only a facade to deflect , what's reality which is toxic/abusive circle (nice/nasty patterns of attitudes/behaviour.

Biscuits1011 · 26/02/2023 11:53

Nothing wrong with wanting to move in with you after 7 months. Also him telling you you’re beautiful, what’s wrong with that. But he’s obviously being a bit much, and isn’t for you… so either learn to like that about him or move on I guess.

Original poster
Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 13:01

I did want to stay single but he turned up at my house and text me wanted to talk. My friend told him not to give up. I like his company. I just don't know why I don't feel that romantic feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 13:03

I didn't want to miss out on the chance of being with someone so nice as well as good-looking

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 26/02/2023 13:06

He's not the one for you! Stop trying to force it.

Isheabastard · 26/02/2023 13:31

Many times the advice on MN is that his actions will tell you what sort of person he really is, not his words.

Talk to him about these things. Tell him to stop following you around the house, clean up his mess and do his share of housework, and to cut down the lovey dovey talk.

How he deals with it will tell you loads about him. However if he gets very offended and says you should feel complimented that he even wants to say these things to you. If he turns it around and says you are unreasonable and ungrateful, then run for the hills.

I should have, and didn’t.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:44

Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 13:03

I didn't want to miss out on the chance of being with someone so nice as well as good-looking

So you want to be single but a) your friend suggested him and b) FOMO. You sound....very young and shallow, sorry to say. Have you any idea what you want from a relationship at all?

purpledalmation · 26/02/2023 13:50

The spark isn't there. What more do you need to know. Remove the crap 'he's good looking etc' and decide what you want.

Agapornis · 26/02/2023 14:38

Just because he turns up at your door doesn't mean you have to keep him. He's not a stray cat.

Original poster
Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 15:00

Agapornis · 26/02/2023 14:38

Just because he turns up at your door doesn't mean you have to keep him. He's not a stray cat.

Lol hahaha 😆 that made me laugh

OP posts:
Chrimbob · 26/02/2023 15:06

He doesn't sound 'so nice'. He sounds like a needy, lazy little boy who's found a new mummy.

NewStartNow · 26/02/2023 15:11

So he won't clean up his mess even while you're in the honeymoon stage. It really won't get better when you're not. Cut him loose now. This has potential abuser all over it.

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 15:29

No, that would turn me off big time. All those love bombing claims, that really would out of me off.
If he is turning up at your door, and its making you feel uncomfortable, its your home, yours, so you can decide who comes in and when, not some lovesick chancer who is looking for a place to stay, conveyer sex, laundry and food provider.
You own him nothing, and least your friend by sticking by her suggested BF material. YOU are allowed to say no thanks, not now, or ever.

Surely you want more from life? and if you feel this way now, and you have done since you met him? then surely its telling you something? You don't own every man that likes you your life. Just tell him. If he is a bright lad then he will take it and leave you be, and if he is not, he will keep bombarding you until you give in, which then you will know its stalking, unwanted attention and that he is a big red flag. He sounds like a red flag to me already.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 26/02/2023 15:55

Why do you say you love him? Do you feel it's expected of you, that you somehow owe him an emotional investment, to pepay his suffocating neediness?

You are either not over the trauma your ex imposed on you, or you have unresolved issues that pre-date your ex, because your response to this ... strange little man is not normal.

None of this is meant as a criticism of you. I am just concened that you are letting this leech impose his terms on you, & not getting what YOU want in return (a self sufficient & normal man, presumably - which this guy is is NOT).

You need to dump him, & start getting some counselling.
Have the "sorry its not working for me, bye" chat, then book yourself in with a therapist to understand what has gone on in your past life to allow you to tolerate an annoying pest & call him your b/f.
Take a year off dating to really get to know yourself, & set yourself up for healthier relationships. Flowers

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 26/02/2023 15:57

Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 13:01

I did want to stay single but he turned up at my house and text me wanted to talk. My friend told him not to give up. I like his company. I just don't know why I don't feel that romantic feeling.

Your "friend" can fuck off as well.

None of this is normal or right OP. I feel a bit sick just reading about it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 26/02/2023 16:01

NewStartNow · 26/02/2023 15:11

So he won't clean up his mess even while you're in the honeymoon stage. It really won't get better when you're not. Cut him loose now. This has potential abuser all over it.

Yup.

Really worrying NiceGuyTM vibes emanating from this needy tosser.

Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
He's already disregarded OP's "no" & can't even clean up after himself.
You need to dicth him pronto OP, or you'll be stuck with him for life Then you'll find out hiw "nice" he is, He sounds selfish & as if he sees you as a convenient girlfriend-shaped object to project on, while giving nothing back but meaningless drivel about "love".

Does he even work?

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 16:08

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 26/02/2023 16:01

Yup.

Really worrying NiceGuyTM vibes emanating from this needy tosser.

Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
He's already disregarded OP's "no" & can't even clean up after himself.
You need to dicth him pronto OP, or you'll be stuck with him for life Then you'll find out hiw "nice" he is, He sounds selfish & as if he sees you as a convenient girlfriend-shaped object to project on, while giving nothing back but meaningless drivel about "love".

Does he even work?

Show quote history

He sounds like a love bombing creep, and has abuser written all over him.

Dump him ASAP.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/02/2023 16:19

Let me guess - he lives in a shitty flatshare or bedsit.

Lots of complaining about the cold and damp, people keeping him awake, scary people knocking on his door? Evil landlord says he's not allowed to turn the heating on or dry his washing?

He's after your home and income. Probably an alcoholic and as he's already coerced you into a relationship, is trying to coerce you into financially supporting and housing him and is clearly not that interested in whether you feel sexually attracted or satisfied by him, will likely not have that much interest once he feels you can't get rid of him in securing enthusiastic (or any) consent for sex.

Oh, and a quick heads up - he's going to threaten suicide when he doesn't get his own way. Probably a few faked asthma/heart attacks or a stroke, things like that. Because he reckons that'll get you feeling so bad that you'll scoop him up and facilitate his cuckooing of your home, income and body that way.

Original poster
Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 16:20

I feel bad because I've wasted his time. It's only come up on me that I'm angry at him as the last few days he's been off work, he stayed in bed all day and didn't even do the pots. He took one bag of rubbish out and then said he can't put a new bin bag in the bin then back to bed to watch tv. He's sat there eating my food now and it's annoying me. The way he walks and looks at me and I think please don't come near me.
It's so creepy. On our date on valentine's I got him a card and presents. He said I didn't get you anything because I'm taking you out for dinner.
I've introduced my family to a couple of bfs the last couple of years but they ended up being abusive or Cheaters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicew00 · 26/02/2023 16:21

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/02/2023 16:19

Let me guess - he lives in a shitty flatshare or bedsit.

Lots of complaining about the cold and damp, people keeping him awake, scary people knocking on his door? Evil landlord says he's not allowed to turn the heating on or dry his washing?

He's after your home and income. Probably an alcoholic and as he's already coerced you into a relationship, is trying to coerce you into financially supporting and housing him and is clearly not that interested in whether you feel sexually attracted or satisfied by him, will likely not have that much interest once he feels you can't get rid of him in securing enthusiastic (or any) consent for sex.

Oh, and a quick heads up - he's going to threaten suicide when he doesn't get his own way. Probably a few faked asthma/heart attacks or a stroke, things like that. Because he reckons that'll get you feeling so bad that you'll scoop him up and facilitate his cuckooing of your home, income and body that way.

He shares a flat with his best friend and said he doesn't want to leave him in the lurch so he'll wait til September to move in :-/

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 26/02/2023 16:24

Maybe embrace single life for a while

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/02/2023 16:29

He's already abusing you. He's just doing it in the way that you can be lied to and told that you're being cruel and abusive to poor little, defenceless him.

You haven't wasted his time. He has stolen yours, just as he's stolen your money (the food you paid for, the heating, the council tax bill), your effort, your body, everything.

Fuck him back off to his best friend's (bet he'll announce that his best friend has decided to move a girlfriend or other friend in/the landlord wants to sell/there's a flood, fire or other disaster that renders his room uninhabitable) and completely and utterly cut him off.

He'll resist and be clingier than the facehuggers from Alien. Because he's got a sniff of a cushy life. But you need to do it now.

notsurewhichisbest · 26/02/2023 16:30

Do you have anyone who can support you moving him on? (not the friend who introduced you).
Can a family member come to stay so he has to go home, and then you can message him 'I'm sorry 'insert name', I've enjoyed our time but this isn't working for me now and I won't be seeing you again'. Get family/friend to fend off any calls or visits.
Remember, this is your life poppet. Learn to like your own company, set boundaries and think about what you want. No person is much better than the wrong person. (but I am willing to bet there is a fabulous person out there for you).

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