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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad it’s hit me this week I have no family or friends

62 replies

Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 16:25

I realised this week I have nobody. No support network. I think I was aware but now that I need a support network the absence of one is hurting. I have my dh but he’s just one person and I don’t want to overburden him.

My DM is narcissistic and emotionally and physically abused me growing up . We are very very low contact.
My dsis was the golden child and they both feed off any misfortune I have so there’s no chance I could try to have any kind of relationship as they are grief vultures and get satisfaction from my pain.

I’ve always been isolated as am emotionally damaged and don’t have any friends also due to having a SEN child I just don’t fit in with anyone I come into contact with as my life is very different if that makes sense .

This week has been so hard. I feel physically unwell, stressed and scared. Anxious. Most of all lonely. I said to dh most people would call their mum or sister , most people would feel cared about and have offers of help with childcare I have none of this. He tries his best he is lovely but here I am on the internet needing words of kindness from strangers 😞

OP posts:
chocolateisavegetable · 25/02/2023 16:28

I hear you OP. I don’t have any words to make it ok, but I do care 💐

PermanentTemporary · 25/02/2023 16:31

I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope that you will soon find a place or a group that is more supportive and fun - perhaps something purely for you, maybe about an interest that you have,

flowertoday · 25/02/2023 16:35

So sorry to hear you have had such a difficult week.

It isn't in anyway your fault that your mum and sister are not the kind of people who be relied on for support. You have been strong enough to realise that and protect yourself by being low contact. That isn't an easy thing to have coped with, but you have made the right decisions for yourself 🌻

You have a family of your own and that is alot. You say that your dc has Sen, and that you don't feel you fit in because of this. Many ( fabulous and lovely ) children have SEN and I wonder if you could find a tribe/ like minded parents online. The good thing about online support groups is that you can dip in and out at your own pace. Really helpful if you are shy. Also wonder if you have any hobbies / interests outside of being a mum where you could make some connections.

We are all surrounded at times by media images of happy families / groups of friends. Not the most realistic representation of real life.

You sound like a lovely person, hang in there - things can and will get better.

Valentinesquestion · 25/02/2023 16:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 25/02/2023 19:27

I second trying to find something for you. I'm in a choir and one of my friends there has two kids with sen

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:34

Do you have any specific interests (even unusual ones - Several of my friends are from ballet, I’m 32, more around the age of ten)

Does your child have any specific (same : unusual is actually great for meeting friends).

Also, there must be quite a decent amount of parents with SEN children at your child’s school ?

I’m same family situation exactly except it’s a brother. Getting rid (I’m not actually rid physically, they’re close by, just from my head, has been great)

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:35

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:34

Do you have any specific interests (even unusual ones - Several of my friends are from ballet, I’m 32, more around the age of ten)

Does your child have any specific (same : unusual is actually great for meeting friends).

Also, there must be quite a decent amount of parents with SEN children at your child’s school ?

I’m same family situation exactly except it’s a brother. Getting rid (I’m not actually rid physically, they’re close by, just from my head, has been great)

Sorry I meant a lot lose interest in ballet around the age of 10

Quitelikeit · 25/02/2023 19:38

Hi op

sorry to hear you are feeling this way it’s so hard to form successful relationships with others when our main caregivers harm our inner self

Have you looked on local FB groups for support with SEN, or looked at local carer groups? As you are a carer?

Are there any hobbies you could take up?

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:42

Also, you mention being isolated, I don’t know if that translates into isolating yourself.
To make friends you really have to put yourself out there. Try tons of people before you find your little tribe. It takes time but very worth it
💚

frozendaisy · 25/02/2023 19:45

You and your husband have a sen child it's not just you.

You don't need the grief vultures who feed off your misfortune.

You can be enough. Your H can be enough.

Don't worry OP. It will come don't judge new people by past people's mistakes.

You have more than some, less than some.
You have a building base.

Original poster
Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 19:46

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:42

Also, you mention being isolated, I don’t know if that translates into isolating yourself.
To make friends you really have to put yourself out there. Try tons of people before you find your little tribe. It takes time but very worth it
💚

Yes I think I do. Multiple times friendships have been sabotaged throughout my childhood and as an adult by my dm that I think I gave up. Even when she wouldn’t have known my friends it’s like that part of me that had the will to try gave up just in case. She would actively try to turn people against me I think as she sensed my shift away to trying to make friends and she couldn’t cope with it .
I need to change my mindset as she wouldn’t know anyone now that I chose to connect with but it’s like I’ve given up as had so much trauma around this previously.

Currently I’m going through a medical issue (ectopic) and feel so alone

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 25/02/2023 19:48

Same but with no husband but do have children with sen. I feel sad I don't have family and like you have found it impossible making friends as my children don't have friends and most people make friends through their children. Don't even have a partner to talk to in the evening.

DrSalome · 25/02/2023 19:51

So sorry to hear this, and about the ectopic. Is it maybe the best time to think about it?.maybe you could just pop this to one side whilst you recover, and come up with a plan to build a support network when you feel stronger?

I say this because I have chronic illness and whenever I have a flare up the thoughts become extremely negative and I know now that's a really bad time to dwell on things or try to make anything happen because my frame of mind is so low. Better to just snuggle up with whatever comforts you and focus on the present.

Original poster
Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 19:54

DrSalome · 25/02/2023 19:51

So sorry to hear this, and about the ectopic. Is it maybe the best time to think about it?.maybe you could just pop this to one side whilst you recover, and come up with a plan to build a support network when you feel stronger?

I say this because I have chronic illness and whenever I have a flare up the thoughts become extremely negative and I know now that's a really bad time to dwell on things or try to make anything happen because my frame of mind is so low. Better to just snuggle up with whatever comforts you and focus on the present.

I just felt so strongly when I found out that I wanted to call ‘my mum’ but not my actual mum if that makes sense ! Or ‘my sister’ but not my sister. Just really needing female support and not having it. Dh has been amazing but I feel a big loss where I don’t have that ‘village’ around me if that makes any sense at all.
I’ve posted on here and that’s been helpful . The drs and nurses have been so kind to me too but it’s really hit home that I don’t have the type of support I need

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 19:59

Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 19:54

I just felt so strongly when I found out that I wanted to call ‘my mum’ but not my actual mum if that makes sense ! Or ‘my sister’ but not my sister. Just really needing female support and not having it. Dh has been amazing but I feel a big loss where I don’t have that ‘village’ around me if that makes any sense at all.
I’ve posted on here and that’s been helpful . The drs and nurses have been so kind to me too but it’s really hit home that I don’t have the type of support I need

Show quote history

When I was really critical in ICU last year my mum didn’t come to visit once, barely called, my brother nothing at all. I think that was the ‘enough’ factor. My friends were lovely, and I realised I just didn’t care about this type of ‘family’ any more.

I think you may need to let go of the calling family ideal. I feel much better without them.

As a PP said maybe for now take the time to heal.

There are online groups also for pretty much any hobby/interest, maybe have a little look at those from time to time while you recover.

Original poster
Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 20:03

Yes I think under pressure my mind has just made me feel as if I needed support and my first thought was ‘most people would call
their mum/sister’ and feeling sad I can’t

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:04

Also, I find audiobooks soothing when I’m unwell. You can get the first one free. Personally I like ‘inspirational’ people autobiographies. There’s pretty much everything available in audiobooks now. Or you could also read Spare☺️
💚

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:08

If you could choose three (or one) hobbies/interests you’d like to explore right now if life had no constraints, is there anything that comes to mind ?

Cinecitta · 25/02/2023 20:10

You’ll get through this, stay strong. 💪❤

Original poster
Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 20:10

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:08

If you could choose three (or one) hobbies/interests you’d like to explore right now if life had no constraints, is there anything that comes to mind ?

I’m not sure. I feel so out of touch with myself. If I had to choose something maybe something relaxing , reading / writing/ walking something like that

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:12

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:04

Also, I find audiobooks soothing when I’m unwell. You can get the first one free. Personally I like ‘inspirational’ people autobiographies. There’s pretty much everything available in audiobooks now. Or you could also read Spare☺️
💚

And I’m actually not kidding that much about the Spare type of stuff. I sometimes watch reality stuff I couldn’t care less about (wife swap, I even tried a couple of Kardashians!) when I’m bed ridden. They’re funny. All free on YouTube

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:17

Theunordinary · 25/02/2023 20:10

I’m not sure. I feel so out of touch with myself. If I had to choose something maybe something relaxing , reading / writing/ walking something like that

Show quote history

I do yoga although the more intense types, I can’t really relax with the gentle type, but that really depends on people. It’s a great opportunity to try out different types. I find yoga groups quite nice, sort of a united spirit.

Walking you could definitely join a specific meetup group.

Maybe volunteering to read in primary or something like that for extra support for SEN children. How old is your DS ? If older, you could become a sort of big sister mentor for younger parents, I’m sure they’d be thrilled to have you.

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:20

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:17

I do yoga although the more intense types, I can’t really relax with the gentle type, but that really depends on people. It’s a great opportunity to try out different types. I find yoga groups quite nice, sort of a united spirit.

Walking you could definitely join a specific meetup group.

Maybe volunteering to read in primary or something like that for extra support for SEN children. How old is your DS ? If older, you could become a sort of big sister mentor for younger parents, I’m sure they’d be thrilled to have you.

Show quote history

And obviously I’m extremely biased but adult ballet classes are really nice (I don’t do them, although my body is obviously not the same (!) I’m still not beginner, I do sometimes pop in just to chat or help a bit ( free), the people are lovely ime. Or any type of dance. If you’re interested in dance in general I can type out a huge paragraph about quite a few different types, but I’ll spare you that if not☺️

ceecee32 · 25/02/2023 20:23

Sorry to say that I get so annoyed at these types of threads
You say you have nobody - then go on to say that you have a lovely husband, a child and a mother and sister (albeit family that are not supportive)
I would love to have what you have. I only have my 91 year old mum and when she has gone will have absolutely nobody.
Be thankful for what you have

Godlovesall26 · 25/02/2023 20:26

ceecee32 · 25/02/2023 20:23

Sorry to say that I get so annoyed at these types of threads
You say you have nobody - then go on to say that you have a lovely husband, a child and a mother and sister (albeit family that are not supportive)
I would love to have what you have. I only have my 91 year old mum and when she has gone will have absolutely nobody.
Be thankful for what you have

I can see what you mean tbh, but OP is going through a difficult moment, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes, it happens to go through a rough patch