So sad it’s hit me this week I have no family or friends

[Theunordinary]

I realised this week I have nobody. No support network. I think I was aware but now that I need a support network the absence of one is hurting. I have my dh but he’s just one person and I don’t want to overburden him.

My DM is narcissistic and emotionally and physically abused me growing up . We are very very low contact.
My dsis was the golden child and they both feed off any misfortune I have so there’s no chance I could try to have any kind of relationship as they are grief vultures and get satisfaction from my pain.

I’ve always been isolated as am emotionally damaged and don’t have any friends also due to having a SEN child I just don’t fit in with anyone I come into contact with as my life is very different if that makes sense .

This week has been so hard. I feel physically unwell, stressed and scared. Anxious. Most of all lonely. I said to dh most people would call their mum or sister , most people would feel cared about and have offers of help with childcare I have none of this. He tries his best he is lovely but here I am on the internet needing words of kindness from strangers 😞

I can’t talk to my child about what I’m going through currently! I don’t have the support of my mum or sister to talk to , for support or for childcare help so that my husband can come with me to appts. I don’t have friends due to past trauma and negative experiences. I feel anxious and isolated. I’m fully aware some may have a worse situation than me but for me right now this feels awful

Maybe I should have specified that I feel I have no adult female friends/ support in my life . It’s just this situation has made me feel that I need that. Maybe I should I have been clearer in my title. It’s not just that my family aren’t supportive it’s that they have destroyed the very basis of who I am and I thought I was ok and didn’t need anyone till this has happened and I feel upset and as if there’s not the support I feel I need right now

It’s ok, tbh I was also a little surprised by the contrast between your title and post, but when we post we’re in general feeling low.

And you’re going through a difficult time.

How old is your DS ?

Did any of my previous activities suggestions appeal to you ?

Id probably have more if needed.

Maybe a counselor could help unpick your emotions, but with the NHS availabilities now I don’t know how that works

I might try to do more reading , I think that will help me as it’s an escape isn’t it and relaxing . I think I’m just stressing all the time and need something to take my mind off it

I’ll ask the gp as I know they can refer for talking therapy

And sorry to hear that @ceecee32 .
My perspectives I agrée have changed a lot since almost dying in ICU, about what matters for me in life : health. My father is also elderly and I’ll (my mum was the problem) and I can’t bear the thought.
My friends I’m lucky to have are my lifeline. Not to derail the thread, do you have a support network. I know it sounds a little grim, but sometimes it’s easier to have ones that are going the same as you (my best friend has a cerebral tumor suspicion, I think she understands my experience better now, although for very sad reasons)

Would you go to Church? I'm not trying to push religion on anyone but there's some really modern Churches where children of all ages and diverse backgrounds are welcomed and free to make as much noise as they like, and afterwards a friendly cup of tea and a biscuit.

Or any other community groups.

You can't change the past and you are allowed to grieve for that but going forward try and reach out and make some connections in your local community, in time something organic will grow.

You’re not alone in the world OP, you have a child and a caring husband. Maybe not the wide group of people you would like but you’re not alone. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mum or dad in many years (won’t bore you with why), so I hope I’m qualified to say this but you need to distract yourself from dwelling on it.

There seems to be a pervasive belief on mumsnet that most women are surrounded by a ‘support network’ of people who are ready to jump in and help them at any given moment. My real life experience tells me this isn’t true - many (most?) people live away from family, have elderly parents, don’t get along with their family, have friends but those friends have their own lives. It does sound like your expectations are a little unrealistic. Plus, if I may, you need to bring something to the table in friendships - it can’t all just be about other people ‘supporting’ you.

Can you join some SEN parent groups with a view to making some new friends? And having a bit of fun?

There are sometimes groups to support parents of SEN children - even if it was virtual, that may help. I am sorry, it is easy to be very isolated when you are a carer.

Could you join a sen support group in your area? Also could you fit in a hobby around your dh so he can look after your child?

Thank you.
I'm not saying this looking for sympathy but I have been very isolated after a transplant 3 years ago. Saying that 4 of us go out for a meal about once a month and this week I went to a local community centre where I knew absolutely no-one for a lunch event. It was OK, not really my thing-we had to sing and bang a drum.
So I'm trying to get out and make new friends

I understand, ICU (and I imagine a transplant would we much harder, you’d have been on a waiting list I imagine? For me it was sudden).
Maybe start your own thread if you wish so that we don’t derail too much this one, I’m sure people would be happy to help, even if for suggestions for other hobbies. You’re doing great by putting yourself out there though, I tried choir for example and absolutely hated it. But tbh ballet does take up most of my time, as it has since I was a toddler

@ceecee32 And no you don’t sound like you’re looking for sympathy at all, you’ve been through something so hard

Sending you 💐 OP as I do understand the realization that you don’t have any family to turn to, aside from your DH

(and like you, I don’t want to overly burden mine).

I agree that joining a group where you’d meet other parents of sen children could be a good step. Also cultivate any hobbies you might have. It’s hard, but I’ve managed to make some few new friends in my 30’s and 40’s and you only need a few good ones, IME.

Thanks the suggestions of Sen groups and hobbies will be helpful and will probably help in that area but I think my real issue was that feeling of loss at no female support in a situation I felt I needed it ? If that makes sense. Probably like when you’re a child and. You’re unwell and just want your mum or when you’re older and if you have a sister talk to each other about things and all I have where those two relationships should be is a huge void and past trauma and just that lonely feeling and longing to have not just my dh but also a dm/dsis that actually cared . I don’t know if I’ve worded things wrong somehow or come across wrong but I was doing ok or so I thought and a medical emergency has just thrown me totally and I wasn’t expecting to feel that need to have the support of people I don’t have in my life

Sorry you're feeling down and isolated.
You've identified a need for female support. I feel exactly the same at times (I don't have a sister and my mum is too unwell to be any support).

You've realised what it is you want now, so when you can, start planning more situations that open you up to meeting others. You never know what might happen when you least expect it.
I also think there are apps you can download for meeting people for friendship in the local area.
Good luck OP. I'm sure you will make a brilliant friend to someone out there who also needs support (you're not alone).

But you do have a DH. You're not alone. And you can always make friends.

Yes I know I’ve got a dh but for whatever reason when I’ve been under stress this week I’ve felt that I needed female support and I don’t have that . I can’t make friends now for this occasion maybe in the future it’s something to low work towards but it doesn’t help me right now.
I’m not being ungrateful I known others have it worse or that some people have nobody at all but right now I don’t have the support I need for my circumstances

Thank you x

I'm the same, but with no husband. I'm a single parent with a SEN child aged 6, never had a break. No friends, narcissistic mum, stressful job. I enjoy simple things to help me cope, such as meditation, audiobook, walks in the fresh air. I worry about what would happen to my son of I was ill as I wouldn't have anyone to take him. That's why I try to stay healthy physically and mentally.

Firstly lots of people don’t rely on family for support - siblings, parents. You’re making yourself feel worse by assuming everyone has a family network around them. I love my family, they are nice people but we don’t have that supportive sort of relationship.

Get some counselling.

Do some self care daily. Google self care ideas.

Take up hobbies that either help your peace of mind or enable you to meet others. Walking groups, knitting, community volunteering.

talk to your GP about your anxiety. Do you need medication?

talk to your DZh about how you feel

Her mother and sister are abusive and that is so isolating ( I know what it's like)

She's also going through a very traumatic time and feels low.

💐 OP. I'm so sorry your recent experience is compounded by your rubbish family. Hopefully one of the suggestions here will be helpful.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re feeling low at the moment. My parents and sibling died young so I have no family support but I do have lots of female friends that I adore. I’ve met some amazing ladies through a support group relating to my DD’s SEN and I meet up with a few of those regularly for coffee and bike rides etc. In my area there are a lot of carer’s groups that meet up with and without children so it might be worth seeing if you can find similar.

Hi Op
I think 🤔 you need to look into having effective therapy, specifically for complex childhood trauma issues, that will support your to start healing from your dysfunctional trauma of childhood,
It's not a quick fix, but will help you in long term,

Also I second that too, Seek support from online/or face to face groups specifically for families with SEN children,

You can find out about these kinds of support groups online / at your local/ main town / city libarey/ ask at Doctors surgery

Also I rember when I was growing up we used to look after a child who was SEN who used to suffer with epileptic fits often,
We would give her parents respite care, so her parents would have a break,
So her parents could have some energy to give one to one care for their other child who had normal care needs too,

Could you seek this kind of support through social services family support services for children with needs Op@Theunordinary

Also there is a well known Day care centre for Adults with Speacial needs nearby my town centre,
Is there children's with SEN needs equivalent like this Day care in your neck of woods or could this arranged for you to have regular temporary respite care breaks somewhere elsewhere?
@Theunordinary

Also rember there was a social families group with people with SEN called Breakthro,
I don't know if it's still around or similar kind of thing,

I used to come along somestimes/quite often ,
In which social activities were arranged such as a disco, fetes daytrips,
in which SEN children families mixed socially with families in community,
it had good reputation, positive vibe I rember as a child/teenager too in the 80s