AIBU for asking DH to be selective about what he says to who

[painpoints]

The main issues ruining my marriage relate to our (me and DH's) approaches with regards to people outside our marriage (in-laws, friends, sometimes even random people like someone we spoke to for 20 minutes in a club). Its a complex issue for us with various incidents that have come up and escalated over the years. At the moment, I would like to ask about one particular thing though - AIBU for asking DH not to share certain information about our life with certain people?

An example - I dont want him to tell a friend of his that we have fertility issues, or that my MIL and I have some serious disagreements now, etc. Reason being this friend is rude to me, clearly doesn't like me and has made that obvious through some of his actions (DH himself agrees he wishes his friend didn't do that). I don't feel this friend will be a neutral, well-wishing party to talk about these things with. However, DH wants to nurture his friendships which he says involves feeling free to share information, his feelings, etc (key thing for him he says is having the autonomy and freedom to do so if he wants to, rather than having to agree with me what he can say to who, which he feels is a massive constraint).

Similar issues with DH's family; actually even worse as they operate like some gossip expressway (and a snobbish one at that, particularly towards extended family members or "outsiders" who don't sing off the same page). This dynamic has been particularly nasty in recent years as I have had growing disagreements with MIL (to me, that is a private matter between us and MIL but the family dynamic has meant its a stage set for intense gossiping, shows of power, loyalty, etc from all other family members). So again, in an environment like this, I want distance and privacy; I dont want to give them information about my life that I don't have to (keeping things just polite and minimal).

For DH though, this is his friends and family; he says he loves them and I am ruining everything for him by wanting these boundaries on what is said to them. He says its changing the relationships, making everyone feel guarded and he is going to be "outcast" by his family. DH agrees the family dynamic is dysfunctional but I guess its the only way they know to be close. So he insists he wants to be himself, loving and freely sharing information like he always used to.

DH's point of view - my approach is driving a wedge between him and "people he loves". He needs to have the freedom and autonomy to say whatever he wants, to whoever he wants; that I should just trust him to do the right thing.

My point of view - My DH has blind spots when it comes to "people he loves". I dont stop him from having a relationship with them (I make myself sparse but dont stop him); however I do want the boundaries on what he will be sharing with them. DH has other friends (plus counsellor) who are much more mature, sensible, etc and I feel he has an outlet there for his feelings, advice, etc. That he has to be careful who he chooses to share what with. AIBU?

What it is you fear by people knowing things about you? Why do you need people to like you?

Yanbu. I wouldn’t expect my husband to tell his friends extremely private information about me, and he wouldn’t.
He admits his family is dysfunctional but wants to continue doing things their way. That doesn’t sound at all healthy.

But yet here you are telling millions of people personal things about you 🤣🤣

I think it’s grossly unfair to ask your DH not to seek the support of his friends and family when he is going through a difficult time.

Good question. Well I dont think I fear what people will know about me; I guess I feel I don't want to invite opinions of people who clearly I don't align with. I dont need them to like me but I need them to not annoy me so much that I don't even want to turn up to a polite lunch event or something (which i what I fear will happen if they continue to get private information and do what they do with it).

I am with you OP. He doesn't need to share info with others that they will twist and use as a negative against you.

No I am happy for him to share with others but I just want him to pick people who can be objective. Mature, sensible, well wishing friends; not biased people who dislike me and who are likely to operate for their own agenda, to show loyalty, etc. I have said to DH he can feel free to speak to pretty much anyone else (naming a few other friends of his who are know are level-headed folks). I dont speak to any of them much except in meet-ups with DH so its not like I am trying to rig it.

My mum has always had this weird fear of anyone knowing anything "private" about her. Which basically meant anything true and not the carefully constructed farce she put on for the outside world. As a child I lived in fear of her glare across the room if she felt we where saying something she didn't want us to say. I hated it. It's horrible to not be able to relax and have a conversation with family and friends.

So I think you’re saying you need respect, care, compassion?

I am happy for him to share with others but I just want him to pick people who can be objective. Mature, sensible, well wishing friends;

What made you choose a man who isn’t mature, sensible and well-wishing about the information you share with him?

I agree with you. It’s very important to choose who you trust with private information wisely. If he needs to talk about things then a therapist is probably better.

I do want to trust him to be able to do the right thing himself (ie. make the good judgement on who to share what with, himself) but so far its really not working. He messes it up often so I feel I have to agree the contraints with certain people which then makes him feel he doesnt have the freedom and its imosed on. Its such a hard balance to strike I feel.

Yes we have had couples counselling and the counsellor agreed (understandably but unhelpfully) with both of us. She said to me "have a fuck them attitude and let him share whatever he wants and let the others say what they want" and she then told him "you do need to be careful what you share with others; your life, relationships and prorities are changing, etc.... ".

I think it's easy to be like your husband if your spouse isn't telling her friends and family stuff that is private or sensitive. I wouldn't like it either but I can see why he doesn't want to be told what he can or cannot say.

I really appreciate your sharing this and its already making me think about this differently. I do want to say one thing though - I dont feel I am someone who wants to put on a carefully constructed farce (and I dont think my DH feels this is what I want either). I am not asking him to lie. I am saying be sparse with the truth. I have told him if someone grills us then obsviously we would speak the truth but why should we offer up?

But by you saying "be sparse with the truth" it could be making him feel completely on edge when talking to his family. Honestly it's not a nice feeling.

I think it is straying into controlling territory tbh. Yes, you can ask him not to speak to friends a,b,c about x,y,x but if he still talks to them, what happens next? Do you sulk? Does it cause an argument?

which i what I fear will happen if they continue to get private information and do what they do with it

What do they do with it?

Yes I agree with this and i guess this is why he sees it as a wedge; so what do you suggest? That he does what he wants and I further descrease my attendance at things (his ability to be super relaxed with his family will come at the exact opposite price for me)?

Your husband is a disloyal big mouth. People like that gossip about others as a way to be interesting. They know people will hang onto their every word for all the juicy titbits of your life. Unfortunately as youve found, people will then judge and dislike you based on what he's told them, which will be in the main negative. Big mouths dont gossip about positive stuff, they know they wont gain an audience because positive isnt interesting and drama-filled enough.

You're being gaslighted on here by people who wouldnt like or accept it at all if this happened to them in real life. MN can be like that at times, feeding off others' unhappiness. Also by your H, who knows very well he's causing people to dislike you, but doesn't care.

You can ask your H to stop but I doubt he will, he's made it a part of his persona so he'll be anxious that he'll no longer be interesting to other people. He's right, in that respect.

Whats the betting that the people he blabs to will take in his gossipy drama whilst making sure they dont tell him a thing about themselves or their extended family etc...because they know he's a big mouth.

So there's a difference between "I'm sharing because I need advice/support" and "I'll tell anyone who will listen because I'm attention seeking". There's also the question of if the situation is reversed how does he feel about you sharing information? There are people out there who think it's ok to say whatever they like to anyone, but if anyone says anything about them then they can't handle it and play the victim. So the question lies with which one is he, and which one are you? It's ok to be a private person, it's ok for you to set a boundary if you need to, and it's ok for you to walk away if he can't respect your boundaries.

When i ask him not to speak to friends a,b,c about x,y,x, the argument starts then and there. I can only imagine he does still respect the ask, but how would I know? I guess I dont know and wont know. I mostly don't ask him when he comes back whether he honoured the ask or not (I assume he did) but the argument has already happened and the resentment is there; we both know that.

”Me and DH are having some problems, one of those is that DH says that he should be allowed to tell me who I can talk to and what I say to them.”

How do you think that looks OP.

If you were writing as a woman that your dh had told you who you can speak to and what you’re allowed to say and more to the point was telling you who you couldn’t speak to you would be told to run for the hills.

So in essence, yes yabu. And controlling.

If it’s unreasonable for him to talk to friends and family then it’s far more so to broadcast your problems on the internet where they could end up in the daily mail. But you presumably don’t think you’re unreasonable for doing so or you wouldn’t be here.

I think you have missed something fundamental in my post. I am not saying who he can or can't talk to. I am saying what i would prefr he did not say to certain people. I think there is a big different, albeit i do agree as @thimblewomble879 has rightly pointed out that this is likely unrelaxing. This is why I am asking for thoughts here on MN.

It sounds like an awful lot of people don't "like" you, his friends, his Mother, his family. You seem to have a problem with them all. I would be taking a look as to why that is rather than trying to control what your husband discusses about his life (and you are part of his life). He might want to talk about the struggles BOTH of you are having with fertility as it affects him too. He might want to discuss your ongoing beef with his mother with his family to see how things can improve.

It seems he is only allowed talk to people you know would side with you. That's controlling.

Madness.

YANBU

Just ask him to respect your need for privacy.

Ok maybe I’m reading things wrong but this is what I hear from your posts

• you BOTH want to win. He wants to talk to whoever he wants about whatever he wants and you want some control. It’s become a situation where not only you can’t find a compromise but you aren’t actually wishing to find a compromise
• Neither if you actually have an idea of what would be the situation if you actually tried what the other person wants. You dint seem to be able to express clearly what you are fearing form sharing too much and he is convinced it would affect his relationship with his family and will make things hard for him but hasn’t tried to do so.

You both need to step back.
It’s ok for you to have boundaries - let’s say we don’t talk about our fertility struggles.
But you first need to have an idea of what it is that you fear/is an issue of your DH carries on talking to family and his friend. Atm it’s too nebulous for you to be able to say exactly what the issue is - which might be the reason why your DH is also baulking at the idea!