AIBU for asking DH to be selective about what he says to who

[painpoints]

The main issues ruining my marriage relate to our (me and DH's) approaches with regards to people outside our marriage (in-laws, friends, sometimes even random people like someone we spoke to for 20 minutes in a club). Its a complex issue for us with various incidents that have come up and escalated over the years. At the moment, I would like to ask about one particular thing though - AIBU for asking DH not to share certain information about our life with certain people?

An example - I dont want him to tell a friend of his that we have fertility issues, or that my MIL and I have some serious disagreements now, etc. Reason being this friend is rude to me, clearly doesn't like me and has made that obvious through some of his actions (DH himself agrees he wishes his friend didn't do that). I don't feel this friend will be a neutral, well-wishing party to talk about these things with. However, DH wants to nurture his friendships which he says involves feeling free to share information, his feelings, etc (key thing for him he says is having the autonomy and freedom to do so if he wants to, rather than having to agree with me what he can say to who, which he feels is a massive constraint).

Similar issues with DH's family; actually even worse as they operate like some gossip expressway (and a snobbish one at that, particularly towards extended family members or "outsiders" who don't sing off the same page). This dynamic has been particularly nasty in recent years as I have had growing disagreements with MIL (to me, that is a private matter between us and MIL but the family dynamic has meant its a stage set for intense gossiping, shows of power, loyalty, etc from all other family members). So again, in an environment like this, I want distance and privacy; I dont want to give them information about my life that I don't have to (keeping things just polite and minimal).

For DH though, this is his friends and family; he says he loves them and I am ruining everything for him by wanting these boundaries on what is said to them. He says its changing the relationships, making everyone feel guarded and he is going to be "outcast" by his family. DH agrees the family dynamic is dysfunctional but I guess its the only way they know to be close. So he insists he wants to be himself, loving and freely sharing information like he always used to.

DH's point of view - my approach is driving a wedge between him and "people he loves". He needs to have the freedom and autonomy to say whatever he wants, to whoever he wants; that I should just trust him to do the right thing.

My point of view - My DH has blind spots when it comes to "people he loves". I dont stop him from having a relationship with them (I make myself sparse but dont stop him); however I do want the boundaries on what he will be sharing with them. DH has other friends (plus counsellor) who are much more mature, sensible, etc and I feel he has an outlet there for his feelings, advice, etc. That he has to be careful who he chooses to share what with. AIBU?

Some people are innately very private (you) and some are innately not (he). You are entitled to not want to share things with others, and loose lips is entitled to want to blab. So bottom line, in this regard you are incompatible. Only you can decide if this eclipses all positive parts of your relationship and is cause to finish, or if he has other great qualities that make up for it.

This is pretty rude. I mentioned one friend of his not liking me (there are half a dozen friends of his who like me and half a dozen who are probably neutral). What makes you think I am the common denominator? As for his family, actually I dont have problems with anyone other than his very domineering mother (and have never said an untoward thing) but its their dynamic that makes everyone want to get involved (not my doing). So I'm really not feeling like I need to self-reflect on this stuff; as i said DH himself agrees how dysfunctional it is and actually makes a lot of effort on things he can control.

Ofcourse the struggles are his own too and he can share them. I dont think any of his folks will "side" with me and i am not trying to"rig it"; i am just asking him to pick the balanced ones to speak to about private matters rather than the few that have their own agendas.

You might also want to consider if the issue isn’t simply a temperament issue.
Some people tend to talk about any problem to anyone whilst others are more private.

In which case, neither of you are right or wrong.

But you’d have to find a way for BOTH OF YOU to accept your differences… and compromise.

I'm a bit confused. You said, if they continue to get private information and do what they do with it .

What are they doing with the information?

I'm confused because you then said, When i ask him not to speak to friends a,b,c about x,y,x, the argument starts then and there. I can only imagine he does still respect the ask, but how would I know? I guess I dont know and wont know.

So you don't know if he's said anything you don't want him to or not then? But the first quote makes it sounds like they're using the information he's given him in some way.

I'm just trying to clarify as, to me, it makes a difference. I talk to my friends about problems me and DH are having, but I trust them not to bring them up with DH. He knows I talk to them, as I know he talks to his friends, but I'd be embarrassed if one of his friends brought up our problems in front of me, and vice versa.

I actually think the problem is more fundamental than who he shares with. Why on earth is he friends with someone who is openly rude to you? That suggests to me that he doesn't have your back at all and I'm not sure I'd be willing to stay in the relationship tbh.

And your issues with MIL, it isn't unreasonable for him to want to talk to his family. But if you're uneasy about it you need to work out why. If it's general paranoia you need to work on it. If it's because you don't trust him to be fair to you then you need to decide whether you choose to stay in the relationship. If it's similar to the friend (ie they don't like you and don't bother to hide it) then, again, you need to ask why you're in a relationship with someone who is happy for you to be treated that way.

In short, my "nearest and dearest" wouldn't stay that way if they were openly rude or hostile to my partner. And I wouldn't be with someone who thought me being treated badly was okay.

It’s weird and controlling to police who he speaks to and what he says. However there is a genuine issue if you don’t like those he is close to who he talks to and how he talks to them, but that is much bigger and wider than”please don’t talk to x about y.” It would be a massive red flag for me if DH told me to limit or change who I spoke to or what I said. It would be game over for me.

Thank you; I agree. I have been trying to weigh up "great qualities that make up for it" - some days I despair and some days I see the bright side.

But not all of the truth needs to be shared with others. We all have a right to keep personal things private. Surely you’d be ok with your husband telling his friend “thimble has a new job” but not “thimble has a terrible vaginal infection at the moment”.

@DeeCeeCherry I agree. His loyalty should be to his wife. He shouldn’t be putting his family’s ways above loyalty to her, especially when he’s admitted they’re dysfunctional.

Even reading your post I got confused what you want him to not say to who.
And I can’t imagine how difficult it may be for your H. It does sound controlling.

Ok - some ‘couple’ things - like infertility can be sensitive - and I get you not wanting him to discuss it.

But your stuff about his communication with his family - you are being quite unreasonable there.
You have an issue with your MIL. Feels like you are trying to control your H in order to win some battle with her.
It seems petty.

I think you’re different people. He’s open and doesn’t care what people know. And you do. That’s quite a fundamental difference. I think for the sake of your marriage you need to unclench and just let it go. What worries you about people knowing about your infertility issues? If they’re friends - even if you don’t think they’re good ones, if dh does then that’s as much his news to share as yours.

Whats the background with the mil? What’s happened there?

Well you can’t control his friendships, but yes it is odd if he feels the need to talk about your problems with the friend who doesn’t like you.

How come you even know he does this?

Do you discuss your MIL issues with anybody other than your husband?

How do you know what he's sharing with his friends? Does he relay their bad feelings to you?

Hmm... yes I think you're on to something here.

On the first point, we are trying to find compromise but its a such a touchy topic. We have definitely each compromised here and there.

On the second point, agree yes I think we struggle to try each other's suggestion. To be honest, think he is trying by sticking to my requests resentfully. I am the one who probably tries less in this matter.

I agree I struggle to articulate the issue. I guess I am sensitive and I just like to keep to myself when I find people capable of causing a lot of hurt. My side of the family are critical, callous and his side snobbish, cliquey so I guess I just kind of want to keep them all at bay. Maybe I lack self-esteem or self-confidence or something to be able to let things roll off my back. There is also the deep longing for my DH to empathise with me; tried of being held to a different standard by him, than he holds others dear to him.

I couldn’t have put it better than this.

It sounds like his family likes gossip and is a high conflict/drama bunch. He is also a gossiper and gets a high off of the attention that he receives when he overshares. This is likely why he kicks off immediately when you ask him not to tell someone x or y, he was already anticipating the attention he’d get from it and gets upset when he feels that you’re denying him that.

You mention that the counselor told him that his life/priorities are changing. Does that mean he’s young? Have you been married long? I’m not sure that there’s much chance of him changing. Frankly I feel that he’s gaslighting you by claiming that he needs to be “open” with everyone and knows darn well that that’s not what he’s doing. He just wants to shut you up by insinuating that you’re being controlling when really you’re just asking for a bit of respect and privacy.

It’s a crappy situation for sure and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it OP.

I totally get why you're bothered by this Op.

Although he should be able to confide in people he trusts, if he needs to talk to other people for some reason, why would he want to confide in someone who he knows doesn't like you and might do something with that information that hurts you?

As you say, it isn't like he has noone else to talk to.

And whilst he has a right to confide in who he likes, if it's personal information relating to you, then you have a right to ask him not to. That's your personal information, and I'd expect someone who cared about you would respect why you don't want specific people to have that information.

In a marriage, your first loyalty is to each other. There are ways of maintaining friendships and seeking appropriate advice from outside people without hurting each other. It's basic loyalty and respect.

In this case, it seems as though he's deliberately seeking out the people who have an axe to grind against you... why? To prove he can and you aren't in charge of him? To get a response that he knows will 'side' with him? To give them more ammunition against you?

There is also the deep longing for my DH to empathise with me; tried of being held to a different standard by him, than he holds others dear to him.

Ok now that’s a big issue there!
Are you still seeing your couple counsellor and could you bring that as an issue?

Are you sure this relationship is for you? There seems to be quite a few issues and you’re trying to bring children into the middle of it. Having kids will amplify any problems by a thousand and then the poor children become collateral damage…

I think I get it OP. Just sounds like he makes you feel less safe with each day of the relationship. The safety he can count on from this friend, whose rudeness towards you he tolerates, from his family etc is not under any threat. This puts you on the back foot and depletes your resilience holding up against those who don’t have your interests at heart.

Hope I’m wrong, but it sounds like you’re being scapegoated and isolated by him and his family, and gaslit when you try and talk about it with him. Casting around trying to make sense of it. Starting to look paranoid and unreasonable when trying to explain it in such a way that he’ll suddenly get it and want to make you feel safe.

If any of this rings true please please please go to individual counselling and don’t do any joint. Discuss this with someone who is there for just you and work with them in privacy.

Wishing you all the luck

Hi I'm exactly like you I think some people are just more private than others. My family we never talk about things or anything so I'm quite closed. My fiances family are the complete opposite and I find it suffocating becouse they literally tell each other every thing and then explode if you don't do the same. I've stood my ground it's not in me to share personal information I'm not comfortable with. It's ok if he wants to discuss certain things but fertility that's between you two and if your not comfortable telling people he needs to respect that. When things discussed are about your relationship it's obvious you'd think that he talks to Somone impartial not people who don't get on with you who will be one sided.

To a degree you can't tell him exactly to stop but you certainly can say I don't want my fertility struggles known as I'm not ok with that.
Anyone on here not understanding that is being unfair. Not everyone wants people to know or discuss it. If he does than he should find someone who's not going to blab it to the family or who the op isn't uncomfortable with.

@painpoints I completely get what you mean- I had an ex who had a blog which people knew was his, and he would slag me off on this blog, knowing outright enemies of ours were probably reading this. He refused to stop. I should've dumped him then. It was disrespectful.

He also talked to his sister about our sex life and then recounted back to me what she said to justify his sex pestery.

I think part of your problem is you don't think some of these friends/family are on your team, so if he tells them things it's like he's giving them ammunition against you.

You wouldn't be acting in this 'controlling' way if you didn't feel they were already anti-you. If you felt they were decent people you wouldn't mind him telling them things.

I think you could consider if it's worth separating from him over these nasty family and friends. They're causing you a lot of stress, and he is too.

Thanks @JemimaTiggywinkles . Yes we have some fundamental issues on approach with people outside our marriage as I said (which probably point to fundamental issues with what 'marriage' means to each of us in itself). I am trying to not go into all that detail now to 1. focus on the specific aspect of selectiveness in information sharing and 2. confidentiality.

The friend is a childhood one from school so I can see why that friend will always be a friend and its ok (he was one of the best men at wedding and please note I am in pleasant terms with the other best men). So i dont expect DH to ditch the friendship over rudeness to me, but I would have liked if he gently held fort a little bit (eg. hold your chin up when I dont go along when you visit him and you have to make an excuse for me, rather than row about my not wanting to go). After a lot of arguing DH doesn't force me now to go along, but he resents it and thinks I am not being the bigger person/cool person who lets it roll off my back. So yes, not having my back is definitely the biggest underpinning marriage issue.

My MIL is like a news broadcaster of the extended family so I really dislike DH sharing private matters with her; when she is not broadcasting, she is trying to use the information for her agenda. DH admits this is all true but he says "why bother, why care? I have lived my whole life like this with her and i just do my own thing regardless of what she tries to say or do". I can see that logic, but its just not me. I am sensitive I guess and I can't help that it hurts and I want space. There is some general paranoia in there too I'm sure as I think i have a tendency to feel very protective of myself.

I guess they are not openly hostile towards me (to say DH puts up with that); they just text DH about things, gossip extensively, organise themselves, etc. I do think there is a constant theme of my feeling like I am expected to be "cool" with all these maladaptive people/relationships in DH's life but its just not "cool" (for me). There was someone here who talked about people projecting constructed farce and not truth; this is what I think DH's family engage in and I am not able to do that. In my heart I value humility a lot (and try to live like that).

I don’t see the issue. It’s like a friend telling you something and then asking you not to share it, surely you’d respect their wishes?
There are some things my DH wouldn’t share with his friends or family about us and me, but the difference is that I don’t have to tell him what is private. Equally there are things DHs friends share with him and he won’t tell me, because he’s just a trustworthy person, and I think that’s what it boils down to.

I get it Op I really do,

Your husband and some people can be over sharers they will tell people most private of matters
Yet if you said anything they deemed personal about them, at all

They would either act as a victim or would half joking retaliate they will get their own back
Or.
Warn you not to do that by a glare that they bloody well mean it,

Have you ever noticed over sharers kind of people who share anything that is private about other people /friends or family members or next door neighbours are happy to do this,
to get this off their chest,

And yet they these over sharer types are hyper sensitive 🥺 about ensuring you keep quiet about sharing intimate stuff about themselves,

It's interesting , they seem to know all about boundaries when it comes to themselves ,

But when it comes to others , people they seem to develop instant selective Amnesia verbal 💩💩💩 direaherra syndrome,

I know what you mean
It's about keeping healthy boundaries based on respect in a relationship,

It's a balance between not being controlling,

But everyone needs for healthy emotional well being,
someone who you feel is trustworthy, who you can talk about your problems or issues to get perspective on this,
as you can be too emotionally close to problem, this can cloud your judgement,

What Op partner has got a counsellor he can talk to,

She doesn't want to be slagged off or run down by her partner,
She is also entitled to some privacy like everyone is,

I give an example
I had a really shit partner who revealed when I had just given birth, to a random stranger that, that, I was suffering Consipation problems,
He also revealed to a former friend I was struggling with post birth depression issues,

Ok everyone goes to the toilet but there somethings/sometimes you keep to yourself,
for e.g how much money you have in the bank,
You don't want your partner to talk about your love /sex life to all and sundery,

You don't want your partner to tell people people all your medical problems

Just saying this for the posters who struggle to understand Op@painpoints
View points,

She is worried especially his family are Dysfunctional that him revealing her problems will be used against her

@painpoints
I think his attitude is Disrespectful as I can amagine he would not be happy for you to reveal all his problems personal ones or insecurities ect, to your family,

It's a two way street of mural respect

Not you do what I want you to ,
But I will not live by these rules